Me: An Autobiography

(I swear, it all happened, man, actual events that actually happened… really)

Chapter One:

It was not a hot and sunny day as I arrived in London. I had left dust and heat behind in Arizona, along with my family, my friends and everything else I had ever known. When my parents first started mentioning a boarding school in England, I laughed it off, but here I am, traveling to Yubaba's Academy For Distinguished Young Folk. It sounded more like a correctional institute than a school. Oh well, I was almost there now so I might as well make the best of it.

After what seemed like years later, I practically fell out of the taxi and onto the school lawn, chucked some unknown amount of money at the taxi driver and ran toward the school through a light drizzle. I found a large wooden door before me with an equally large man standing next to it. He was very hairy and looked ominous.

"Is this the entrance to the academy?" I asked, trying to breathe like a normal human being who didn't become embarrassingly out of breath from running ten feet.

"Aye, that it be." He replied and opened the door for me.

Before me was a hallway of polished white stone with arching wooden walls closing together in a domed ceiling high above me, but I didn't have time to admire architecture right now. I was already five minutes late to the entrance ceremony.

"Excuse me, which way is the dining hall?" I turned around, but the large ominous man was no longer there, "Great, now I'm late and lost."

I jogged hurriedly down the hallway. Somewhere ahead, I could see a map.

"Thank goodness!" I panted as I reached it, musing aloud, "Now, where is the dining hall?"

I was tracing a finger along the map when it suddenly began to sing at earsplitting volume, "I'm the map, I'm The Map, I'M THE MAP, I'M THE MAAAAAAAAAAAP!"

I shrieked in horror, backing away from the singing map and falling over, but not before I caught sight of an open door down the right side of the hall from which drifted the sounds of voices.

"Aha!" I exclaimed, getting up and charging like a wounded wildebeest to the door. However, the door seemed to have vanished and been replaced by a bright red haze, "Hey, what the eminem?! Who moved the door?"

I headed uncertainly in the direction of the door as the voices grew louder. Suddenly, a hand seized my shoulder and a male voice spoke, "Ah, there you are."

"Unhand me, Man-Beast!" I shrieked, whirling around and karate-chopping my unfortunate captor.

There was a slight gurgle from the man as he collapsed to the ground. Attack averted, I hurried onwards. The sound was much louder here, so I must have reached the doorway by now. Now, if only I could see it.

"Umm, is that a new hairstyle?" A voice in front of me asked.

Assuming the voice was addressing me, I demanded, "Who the heck are you?! Where am I?! And what's wrong with my hair?!"

The red haze obscuring my vision cleared, and I saw a man in front of me brushing my hair out of my face.

"Oh, no wonder I couldn't see anything." I muttered, "I thought it was some sort of test."

The man shook his head, amused, and swept his hair elegantly from his face, "I am Mei Tian, the school doctor, and you must be Kitty Divine, one of the new girls."

"Oh! There are others?" I asked, feeling relief at not being the only one.

"Yes, there are two others." Mei Tian replied, "Their names are -"

But he was interrupted by a voice from the hallway behind me, "Professor Mei Tian, I think Legolas is dead."

I looked back to see the large hairy man there and further behind him, down the hallway, lay the presumably dead Legolas. I felt a slight pang of guilty realization. That must have been the guy I karate-chopped earlier.

"Well, make your way over to the far left side of the dining room." Mei Tian instructed, "There, you will find two very tall professors in black cloaks. They will assist you further. I must go tend to Legolas."

He gave me one last look, eyebrows raised as though he knew what I had done. I hung my head, hiding my face in my hair and walked across the dining hall. It probably wasn't advisable to kill my fellow classmates on the first day of school. Oh well, at least that meant that things couldn't really get much worse.

I made it across the dining hall without event until I reached the two professors. They were cloaked in black and immensely tall. I could not see the face of one of them, and the other wore a mask that was scary beyond all reason.

The one with the mask looked at me and held out his hand, "Uh uh uh."

Gold suddenly appeared in the middle of his hand, but the other figure waved him away with … a skeleton hand? I had to blink a couple of times to see if it was still there. Yep, definitely a skeleton hand.

HELLO, SMALL HUMAN. The tall professor with the skeleton hand said, looking down at me, I AM PROFESSOR DEATH, AND THIS IS PROFESSOR NO FACE.

I looked at the other professor in disbelief. He had somehow retracted the gold back into his hand and now looked distinctly guilty around the mask-area.

"Nice to meet you." I managed.

IF YOU WILL COME THIS WAY, PROFESSOR YUBABA WILL PRESENT YOU TO THE SCHOOL AND YOU WILL BE SORTED INTO YOUR DORMITORY.

Professor Death lead me over to two other girls, one with dark brown hair and the other with short blonde hair. They stood nervously, trying not to look around the hallway or make eye-contact with anyone.

Now that we were assembled, the chatter died down, and silence fell. I began to feel distinctly uncomfortable. Were we expected to say something? However, we were saved by a figure who swooped down from the rafters and onto the ground before us. She was hideously ugly with an enormous nose, small eyes and a huge bun of grey hair. The rest of her body appeared to be that of an enormous black bird. She flapped once and her wings dissolved and the bird's body was replaced by one of a very short and very squat woman.

"Good evening, everyone." She greeted, "I am your principal, Professor Yubaba. You may call me Professor Yubaba. Now, I don't like speeches, and I don't really like any of you either, so I am going to introduce our transfer students quickly and return to my favorite activity, which is not being with you whiny little, cry-babies."

There was silence.

"Good, now first here, we have Elmo Pasty." Professor Yubaba continued, "Elmo Pasty, you have been placed into dorm one. Please, go and join them at the far table on the left."

The girl with the dark hair, who definitely didn't look like her name was Elmo Pasty, opened her mouth to say something, but Professor Yubaba waved her away before she could even speak. Elmo headed over to the table on the left that had burst into applause, and she sat down next to a boy with black hair and glasses and a girl with bushy brown hair.

"Next, we have Pika Bill," Professor Yubaba said, "and you have been placed into dorm three. Please, take your place at the table in the middle of the hall."

The girl with short blonde hair stumbled over to the middle table and sat down amid cheers.

"Last, we have Kitty Divine." Professor Yubaba continued.

I stood up, heart pounding and joined Yubaba facing the hall of students, feeling the eyes of everyone burning into me.

"You have been placed into dorm two. Please proceed to the table at the right side of the hall."

The table at the right broke into applause and cheers. I walked self-consciously down to the table and sat between a lamp with a pole and a foot attached to it and a squat, hairy man with a red, braided beard.

"Hello." The red-bearded man greeted me.

"Hi." I said.

"I'm Gimli," he said, "and this" here he gestured to the lamp with the pole and foot, "is The Foot Bonk Stick."

"Eh-eee." The Foot Bonk Stick creaked.

"Nice to meet you," I said, feeling as though my life had descended into some strange and unknown realm of Hell.