Charge: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
CONGRATULATIONS!
You are now the proud owner of a CHARGE unit!
Follow the guidelines in this manual and your CHARGE will give you decades of quality performance.
INSTALLATION
When you receive your CHARGE unit, for optimal performance, be sure to tell him that he will have access to the Enterprise's engines any time he wants. It is not necessary to remove any clothes at this time.
Your CHARGE should arrive fully assembled and charged. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued with the correct edition of the CHARGE unit.
CHARGE (copyright McElroy/Batchelor, 2006)
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Name: Andy Thorpe
Nickname: Charge
Rank: Chief Petty Officer, Chief Engineer
Warship: HMAS Hammersley
Country: Australia
Parents: Mr. and Mrs. Thorpe
Height: insufficient data
Weight: insufficient data
Hair Color: Brown
Eyes: Hazel
OPERATING PROCEDURE
Your CHARGE unit has been designed to be user-friendly and proficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your commands clearly in English
Remember that your CHARGE is not just aesthetically pleasing; he has multiple functions.
Intelligence Quotient:
This Engineer's IQ is off the scale! He can explain the intricacies of a warship engine. If you want to dazzle your friends, take him with you to your next engineering seminar. Just don't get him started on the Hammersley – his eyes will glaze over as he praises her engines.
Diffusing Tense Situations:
Your CHARGE is an expert at cracking a joke or making a funny quip when the tensions between the crew of the Hammersley are at an all time high. You can always count on him to help you get people to relax and laugh. Well… not the RO unit.
Combat:
Your CHARGE unit is programmed with multiple defense techniques, as all Starfleet officers are trained in hand-to-hand combat. But if you really want to see how effective he is in a fight, just insult the Hammersley or her engines. He'll knock you right out.
Eating:
Your CHARGE unit absolutely loves to eat! If you are short on cash, enroll him in an eating contest. He will be sure to win!
COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS
You will find that your CHARGE is compatible with most other humans, especially the NAV model. However caution should be exercised with respect to using your CHARGE in conjunction with male models.
The maintenance of a CHARGE unit as an attachment to a NAV unit is generally not problematic after the first few hours. The CHARGE and NAV models have several modes of interaction:
(a) Romantic
(b) Friendly
(c) Hostile
ACCESSORIES
The items with which your CHARGE comes equipped, depend on which edition of the human you have purchased.
CHARGE 1.0 : Wears standard Navy DPNU's. Comes with kilt and sporran.
The Charge unit is equipped with pistols and radios
Note: The Charge unit also comes with a Spider Monkey
CLEANING
Depending on the uses to which you put your CHARGE, you may have to clean him on a regular basis. Use either a shower. Just make sure to wash off all the grime that goes with working in the bowels of the Hammersley.
LUBRICATION
To ensure that your CHARGE remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.
RECHARGING
After long periods of use, your CHARGE's energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your engineer:
Food:
Your CHARGE will eat almost anything that is edible. He is fond of Australian delicacies, such as Meat Pies. He also really loves sandwiches. A word of caution – unless you want him to expand around the waistline, keep him away from donuts.
Drink:
If your CHARGE's energy is almost spent, give him plenty of water to drink. He sweats a lot down in Engineering, and needs replenishing on a regular basis. If he has a long night duty shift, give him some coffee.
Sleep:
You may be surprised by the minute amount of sleep your CHARGE needs to function. However, he needs five hours to function, and seven hours to function well.
REPROGRAMMING
The CHARGE unit can be issued with a revised engineering skills program from NAVCOM. Be sure to update his knowledge regularly, as technology is always changing.
SECURITY
Thanks to the popularity of the CHARGE unit it essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your engineer.
* Have your CHARGE micro-chipped. Choose a doctor who is experienced in the handling of stubborn engineers to carry out this procedure. (Any nearby SWAIN unit would gladly volunteer.)
* Do not leave your CHARGE unattended in public.
* Do not lend your CHARGE to anyone.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: My CHARGE informed me he has two children he hasn't seen in years. Is this normal or have I been given a faulty unit.
A: Your CHARGE is not faulty, he does have two children that he hasn't seen in years. To fix this problem, send in the PATTERSON unit help.
TROUBLE SHOOTING
Problem: Admiral Archer called your house, claiming that your CHARGE unit lost his beagle.
Solution: Buy a new beagle, send it to the admiral, and hope for the best.
Problem: Your CHARGE unit keeps swimming around in the cooling system, even when it doesn't need repairing.
Solution: Remind him how dangerous it was the first time he did it. The KIRK unit may not always be around to save him. If he wants to swim, tell him to use the Enterprise pool like everyone else.
Problem: Crew members keep gossiping that your CHARGE has a secret stash of food somewhere in the Engine Room. Is he going to get kicked out of the Navy if the Captain finds out.
Solution: How is this a problem? Sure, it's against regulations to have food in the Engine Room, but it's only food.
Problem: Your CHARGE is refusing to go out and play with you in the snow.
Solution: Unfortunately, he has an extreme aversion to cold weather, he was born in the tropics, get the point.
Problem: I want to breed my CHARGE unit with the NAV unit, but she is dating the ET unit. How do I accomplish this?
Solution: You can't There is a non-fraternisation rule in place. Unless you want the CHARGE unit to get kicked out of the Navy.
ADDITIONAL INFO
For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at mailing address:
NAVCOM
PO BOX 1701
CAIRNS, QLD
THE END