This goes without saying, but the characters in this story are the property
of Joss Whedon. Feedback is welcome (and even desired).
Wake and Rise, part one
Spike didn't recall how he got back to their house. Correction: her house- there was only one now. The memories of the night before rushed through his head, his ears pounded and his eyes strained. He was in the basement; whoever helped him to the house must have put him there. He remembered the sun beginning to rise as they looked over Buffy's body. He had felt his skin begin to burn but didn't care. He was too shocked and pained to think of anything but Buffy's dead body there on the ground.
Spike got up to go upstairs-check on Dawn. Not much good he'd been for the past day or so. He had failed to protect her from Doc and had slept the rest of the day. The living room was deserted. He looked around at the familiar things lying around, the chest still opened from where he had gotten the weapons only hours before. He heard muffled voices in the kitchen. He sat for a moment to prepare himself before facing the others.
In the kitchen were Giles, Xander, Willow and Tara-all bleary-eyed. "Where's Dawnie?" he asked. Giles looked startled. "She's asleep, Spike," Tara replied. "It's 11 at night," Xander said uncharitably, "you've been out for a while." Spike suddenly felt more at odds with them than ever before. An awkward silence passed.
"Well, let me leave you to whatever." Spike said meanly to the group.
Giles stopped him, "Spike, don't leave. Dawn asked that you stay."
"Has anyone called Angel?" Spike asked. Everyone looked shocked, that they had not thought to but he had (he figured). Willow said, "I'll start calling."
Spike walked over to the counter and poured himself a cup of coffee, "anyone want some?" he asked. They all shook their heads.
Giles began first, "We need to find Buffy's father-to let him know what happened."
"That will be difficult," Xander said, "We never found him after Joyce died."
Anya came downstairs then.
"Is Dawn asleep?" Tara asked.
"If you could call it that," Anya replied.
"This will be so hard for her," Tara whispered. Xander reached over and put his arm around her.
Willow came back in the kitchen-"There was no answer at the hotel or at Cordy's. I left a message . . . for them to call." Again, the awkward silence.
"I don't want to cause problems," Spike began, "but who's going to look after little sis?"
"Tara and I are going to stay here for a while," Willow said, trying to hold back tears.
"Good," said Spike, "It's going to be important for you all to be here with her. She can't do this alone."
"And what would you possibly know about it, Spike?" Xander shouted.
"A lot actually." Spike replied.
Willow intervened, "Xander, this is no time to start this. We need to be thinking as clearly as possible."
"Sorry, Will. I just have a hard time accepting him here now." Xander defended himself.
"Alright, lackey. I'll leave. [to Giles] I'll be in the basement when Dawn wakes up."
"That wasn't fair, Xander," Willow said, "He's trying to help-trying to help Dawn, in fact."
"Again, not getting the vampire/help thing here," Xander said.
Tara left to go to the bathroom. As she rounded the corner to go upstairs, she heard noises from the basement.
Downstairs in the basement, Spike was hitting the wall and crying.
"Get out, witch," he snarled at Tara, sensing she had come in.
"Spike, it's alright to grieve-vampire or not-we all are grieving."
"But you heard them, what right do I have to be here? I am a monster to all of them."
"Not them, Spike, him. Xander. Besides, Dawn asked for you to stay. She is the woman of the house."
"I don't even know why I care, I spent as much time hating her as I did . . ."
"Loving her?" Tara finished.
"Whatever it was, maybe love. She didn't think so. I'm not sure. I respected her . . . even when I hated her, I respected her. She was so different from any of the other"
"Slayers?" Tara asked.
"Yes, no. Any of the other women I knew. I mean . oh why the hell am I sharing this with one of you. And what right does she have to make me feel any of this? Doc summed it up perfectly 'I don't smell a soul anywhere on you' and he was right. That's supposed to be the beauty of it, no conscience, no remorse."
"That's not true," Tara started.
"It bloody well is true, I am a vampire. I may not walk the walk but still, a vampire with all the trappings."
"No the conscience and remorse thing-it's not entirely true. Maybe you haven't suffered the consequences of your own actions since.you became a vampire, but conscience, remorse, they hit us all the harder when its got nothing to do with our actions." Tara said.
Spike looked at her hard, probably the hardest he has looked at her ever. "Willow is lucky she got you back."
"There are two things that bother me the most, and for whatever reason I feel like I should tell you," Spike said-frankly uncomfortable with the situation he now faced. "I feel like I should have fought harder, kept Doc from hurting Dawn-that Buffy's death could have been averted."
"No, Spike." Tara started.
"No let me finish. The other thing, is that without this chip in my head, I would never have been asked to accept such a huge burden as defending that little girl. And what's more, I wish I didn't have this goddamned chip in my head. Because then, I wouldn't care about her death-or any of you. In fact, I would probably celebrate, or plan some other.Oh god." and Spike abruptly turned and ran upstairs.
Bursting into the kitchen, he shouted, "No one! No one can know of Buffy's death!"
Everyone turned in shock, "Why?" Willow asked.
"Because every baddie on the block will show up looking for his or her piece. It'll make Glory's plans look like a surprise party."
Giles, Willow, Tara, Anya and Xander paled with the realization.
Willow interjected, "What about the next slayer? Buffy's death will certainly call another."
Before Giles could answer, Spike said, "No it won't. She called hers when the Master killed her. That slayer called Faith when Dru.well, past history and all. Fact is, Faith is very much alive, and in gaol. It's her or nothing."
Everyone turned to Giles, "Surprisingly, Spike is right."
"Well, it's his business to know about calling slayers and all." Xander said. "Yeah, I know. Non-productive commentary unwelcome here."
Everyone fell silent again. Spike pulled out his flask from his pocket and poured some in his coffee, took a sip and then poured some more.
"Angel," Willow said, "he needs to know. In fact, he could help-if he comes."
"He'll come," Xander said.
"I'll go to L.A. and bring him back." Willow said. Tara started to say something, but stopped herself.
"Be careful," Giles admonished.
"I will."
It was one day later, they were preparing for Buffy's wake tomorrow. The group had decided on a very small funeral-daylight-which meant neither Spike nor Angel could attend, if Angel made it. Willow had gotten to the hotel a couple of hours after she left, but neither Angel, Cordy or Wesley were there.
Spike had been with Dawn nearly every waking moment-hers, not his. He had sat with her, in the basement mostly, talking about every inane thing they could think of-to avoid talking of her death.
And Spike had thought his guilt had been heavy and limitless. It couldn't compare to the burden that she carried. He wanted to say something reassuring, but he didn't have the humanity to tell her lies, and he wasn't cruel enough to tell her the truth, so he said nothing.
Just after dark, Willow and Angel showed up.
"What's he doing here?" Angel asked, referring to Spike.
"A lot has changed, old man," Spike answered.
"Is Cordy with you?" Xander asked.
"No." Angel said.
Dawn came out of the kitchen, saw Angel and frowned. "What's he doing here?" She asked petulantly.
"Who's she?" Angel asked.
"Buffy's sister." Anya answered.
"Buffy doesn't have a sister," Angel retorted.
"Long story, Angel," Xander added, "Willow, you didn't fill him in on the way back?"
"Angel, come with me to the kitchen." Spike ordered. Angel stood there. "For god's sake, man. You need to come into the kitchen."
Angel followed Spike, clearly confused by everything.
As soon as they were out of earshot, Angel turned on Spike. "What the hell do you think you're doing here?"
"Dawn asked me to stay?"
"Who the hell is Dawn?"
"It's a long story Angel. Want some blood? Picked up some from the butcher shop. Oh, I don't kill anymore."
"Way I hear it it's you can't kill anymore." Angel shot back.
"Whatever, point is, I've stocked up-and seeing as.anyway-it's in the fridge if you want it."
Spike then sat down and filled Angel in on what had transpired in the past months.
"You mean she, Dawn, remembers me?" Angel asked incredulously.
"Aye bro, she does. And she has some trust issues with you."
"But not with you?"
"Well, what can I say?"
Angel grabbed Spike and pushed him against the wall.
"Whoa, wait a minute there," Spike said, "Let's remember why you are here."
Angel sobered and put Spike down.
"You know, even when you were evil, I never liked you much. God knows I couldn't stand you after you got your soul. But whatever, I can put it aside. She would have wanted you here."
Angel looked at Spike for a moment, trying to figure his angle.
"Got none, really old boy. Wish I did-I really do. It would be a lot easier." Spike answered, as if he knew exactly what Angel was thinking.
"How is this hard on you, I would like to know?" Angel asked.
"Me too," Xander added. Not accustomed to siding with Angel, Xander stood next to the counter, squaring off against the two vampires.
"Well, lackbrain, that's none of your business. Fact is, Buffy asked me to protect Dawn, and that is what I intend to do. You both can just piss off for all I care-after tomorrow."
"I need some air," Angel said, getting up and leaving the room.
Outside, Angel sat on the back porch. Willow and Tara came outside to see if he was ok.
"Are you.?" Willow started, but it just didn't feel right to ask him if he was ok, considering.
Angel looked at her, the anguish on his face evident, even in the dark.
"How, Willow? How did this happen?" Angel asked.
Willow began to explain the events at the tower, but Angel interrupted her. "No, I don't mean, well I do mean, but how did he."
"Oh, well, you know, he's kind of changed in the past year.the chip.you do know about the chip?"
"Yeah, I had heard. But that doesn't change who he is.How could Bu.how could she have asked him to protect Dawn?"
"Angel, he was the only one besides Buffy who would have had a chance against Glory. Buffy knew that, what else could she have done?"
"But Spike?"
"Angel, whatever you may think of the reason, Spike can't harm people anymore. He may not have a soul, but regardless he's not trying to hurt us anymore. I think, in some small way, Buffy felt sorry for him at first, then disgust (Willow stopped, not wanting to reveal Spike's crush at this moment), but I think she may have forgiven him in some way."
Xander calls from inside, "Willow!"
"Sorry Angel, I'll be right back." Willow went outside, but Tara stayed.
"I'm sorry," Angel said, "but who are you?"
"I'm Tara, Willow's.roommate."
"Oh.oh!" Angel said, remembering what Cordy had confided in him before.
"You're different than what I had expected," Tara offered.
"How so?" Angel asked.
"I pictured you, more Irish, I guess." Tara finished.
Angel just stared at her for a moment. "How are you doing with all of this?"
"Me? Well, I sort of p-play a tangential role in all of these things. In fact, been pretty much out of my mind for the past couple of weeks," she said.
"Well with what Willow and Spike told me, that's understandable."
"No, really out of my mind. Glory did this brain-sucking thing on me and many others. Willow saved me with a spell."
"She's gotten pretty powerful then? I mean, wasn't this Glory a God or something?"
"Uh, yeah," Tara said and nodded.
They sat awkwardly for a moment before Tara spoke.
"I-I don't usually come right out with things like this, but."
"But what?" Angel asked.
"It, it just seems to me that if Buffy did forgive Spike, ask him to protect Dawn, you should accept that," Tara began to stammer slightly as Angel was obviously uncomfortable with what she was saying, "w-well I mean, she forgave you. She forgave Giles when he.anyway, she was an amazing person. Slayer aside, she had.has the capacity to forgive anything. That's what made her special-that's why she sacrificed herself. I-I'm sorry. I-I shouldn't."
"No, it's alright," Angel said, deeply touched by what Tara had said. "You're right, and regardless of what I think, I need to respect that about her, and respect her wishes."
Angel stood to go back inside, "Are you coming?" he asked Tara.
"I'll be there in a moment." Tara said.
Xander and Anya sat in the living room with Giles. Anya was crying softly.
"Do you expect trouble with Angel and Spike here?" Xander asked.
"Expect?" Giles said, "More like counting the minutes."
"Yeah, just as long as they both realize that Dawn is the one who is going to be most affected if they start fighting." Xander said.
"Well Xander, it wasn't very long ago that you were picking arguments with Spike." Giles retorted.
"Stop it," Willow said, coming into the room. "I swear, every time I walk into a room, there's another argument I need to put out. Just stop it."
"You're right, Willow," Giles said, "we really do need to stop this."
"Well, what do you expect us to do?" Anya asked, still crying, "I mean, I just have all of this rage that she's dead. And then I feel so grateful that it isn't Xander, or me that's dead."
"Anya!" Xander chided.
"And that's just it, how can I possibly be glad to be here when I feel so awful that she died?" Anya cried, "It's just not fair, it's not fair. She should be here with us, and we should be celebrating that she defeated Glory and that the world is safe. And, and it's not right that we're here when she's not."
Xander put his arms around Anya and held her while she wept.
Spike came in the room with Dawn, who seeing Anya crying began to cry as well. She hugged Spike, who patted her reassuringly whispering, "sshhh."
Angel walked in and stared uncomprehendingly at Spike. Spike glared at Angel above Dawn's head. Dawn, seeing Angel, pulled away from Spike and wiped away her tears.
Angel approached Dawn, "I'm sorry.I am so sorry." And Angel didn't know what he was sorrier for, Buffy's death, or for intruding on her here.
Willow moved between Angel and Dawn, putting her arm around them both. "We should all get some rest before tomorrow, and it will be sunrise soon."
Giles stood up to leave and Angel followed him. "Where is he going?" Anya whispered to Xander.
"He's staying at Giles's." Xander whispered back.
Dawn spoke out, "Angel, please stay here. Buffy would want you to stay."
Angel looked tentatively at everyone, who nodded their affirmation. Lastly, he looked to Spike who shrugged his shoulders. "If you don't mind bunking with your old mate, the basement's about as safe from sunlight as anywhere." Spike said.
Angel did not look as if he relished spending the night with Spike, but nodded.
"Has anyone seen Tara?" Willow asked.
"I'm here," she replied. Willow went over and put her arms around her.
Downstairs, Spike said to Angel, "There's a cot in the corner."
"Gee, thanks." Angel said, and after a moment, "Why does she distrust me?"
"Kid sis?" Spike asked, "Way I figured it, the monks built her memories on what Buffy knew. And you'd left her twice. First when you lost your soul and then when you left for L.A."
"Alright, but why does she trust you?"
"Me? Well aside from pubescent/rebellious admiration of me-don't give me that look-I never tried to hurt the kid. I always kinda liked her. Anyway, I already had the chip by the time she came around-no bite, no threat."
"Yeah but she has to know what you were like before, I mean the monks certainly would have added that."
"What can I say, guess I didn't warrant enough a chunk of the slayer's mind to base any fake memories on."
"That bothers you doesn't it?" Angel asked, rather cruelly.
"Yeah, okay, I am bloody well not about to play share the feelings with you."
"Right, because that game would be so one-sided. What could you possible share?"
"You know, I thought you were bad playing whipped-boy, then it was dejected- hero. This is the worst, by far. Where do you get off? Where were you when this all went down? In fact, where have you been when any of the Slayer's shit went down in the past-two years? You've been playing hero-boy and leaving her to fight all kinds of nasties. That's all fine and good, being the Slayer and all-kind of her job-but for all the stuff I did do, I never gave her the impression that she had a partner in me and then split. That was all you."
"God, do you actually kid yourself that you loved her?" Angel asked. Spike was startled, had Willow spilled that?
"You aren't capable of love, William," Angel said in his Irish brogue.
"What do you know soul-man? You think you need a soul to love someone? Do you need a soul to feel bad when someone's gone?"
"Yes you do, Spike."
"Wrong, Angel. You needed the soul to love someone. You were the coldest bastard out there, but I will let you in on a little secret, it's not because you didn't have a soul or because you were a vampire. You were incapable of humanity when you were still human. And if you ask me, you're incapable of it still."
"I didn't ask you."
"Well, I don't give a damn. You are incapable of any real happiness."
"You know damn well what would happen."
"Oh bugger that, I don't mean 'that one moment of true happiness' I mean everyday things. You are damned afraid of what happiness would do to your tortured soul bit that you refuse to even try. Face it, if you had a pair, you would have stuck around this town just to be with the woman that you loved."
"It would have been worse had I stayed.for Buffy. She needed a normal life."
"Oh and what approximation of normal life do you suppose she had? No, you left because it was too hard for you to stay. Well you know what? Love is hard, it hurts, it tears you apart and you're battered because of it.but what am I saying? You're the one with the soul; you already know this anyway. Now bugger off, because I want to sleep late."
The next night. The wake. No one wanted to think of it and yet it loomed in everyone's mind. Giles had gone to bring Buffy's body back to the house. The silence was thick like a fog that settled over everyone.
When Giles returned, Spike, Angel and Xander helped him bring in the casket. Since the funeral tomorrow would be small, and during the day, this would be Spike and Angel's last chance to say goodbye.
For everyone, seeing the casket brought home the finality of what they were doing. They all sat in the living room.
Giles began, "We are here to say goodbye to our friend Buffy. She.she was the person who mattered most to me in all my years as Watcher. I-I can't do this."
Willow was next, already openly weeping. "Buffy was a friend, a lover, a sister, and a daughter. She was also a Slayer. And yet, it wasn't this that makes.made her so special to me." Tara put her arms around Willow, and said, "I only wish I had more time to know you."
There was a knock at the door. Giles, wiping his eyes, answered the door.
"Cordy!" Xander called out. Angel looked up in surprise. Cordelia walked over to Angel and put her arms around him. "Are you okay?" she whispered to Angel. He nodded.
"I took this a couple of years ago, and then well. Anyway, I thought she might like it." It was a photo Cordelia had taken of the group at Prom.
"I think she would want that." Dawn said, "and this too." It was Buffy's diary.
Giles went to the casket and lifted the lid. Buffy lay there, lifeless and waxen; cold. Silence fell over the room as everyone, shocked by the body, stared in. Angel placed the photo in her hand; Dawn lay the dairy over her stomach.
Xander went over to the casket and whispered something to Buffy. Then he sat down with Anya and wept openly for the first time since Buffy had died. "I know," Anya soothed, "I love her too."
"I wasn't very nice to you," Cordelia began, crying, "and I am so sorry. Buffy, I will miss you. We all will. We also thank you for everything that you did for us. You saved the world-a lot. But more than that.you.I'll miss you."
Spike put a small envelope in Buffy's casket, took her hand and kissed it. "Thank you," was all the eulogy he could give.
Angel leaned over and gently kissed Buffy on her forehead, trying to forget how cold her skin felt. "I love you.always" he whispered.
The night lurched into day as everyone stiffly rose. Giles closed Buffy's casket as Anya, Tara, Willow, Xander, Cordelia and Dawn stood to prepare for the funeral. Spike went to the basement to sleep.
Cordelia walked over to Angel, "Are you going to be okay?" she asked.
"I don't know," he answered. "I need to go away for a while. Tell Gunn and Wes.tell them I'll be back."
"Okay," she said, "I will. Take care of yourself, please."
As everyone left, Angel knew there was one last thing he needed to do. He walked up the stairs to Buffy's room.
To be continued.
Wake and Rise, part one
Spike didn't recall how he got back to their house. Correction: her house- there was only one now. The memories of the night before rushed through his head, his ears pounded and his eyes strained. He was in the basement; whoever helped him to the house must have put him there. He remembered the sun beginning to rise as they looked over Buffy's body. He had felt his skin begin to burn but didn't care. He was too shocked and pained to think of anything but Buffy's dead body there on the ground.
Spike got up to go upstairs-check on Dawn. Not much good he'd been for the past day or so. He had failed to protect her from Doc and had slept the rest of the day. The living room was deserted. He looked around at the familiar things lying around, the chest still opened from where he had gotten the weapons only hours before. He heard muffled voices in the kitchen. He sat for a moment to prepare himself before facing the others.
In the kitchen were Giles, Xander, Willow and Tara-all bleary-eyed. "Where's Dawnie?" he asked. Giles looked startled. "She's asleep, Spike," Tara replied. "It's 11 at night," Xander said uncharitably, "you've been out for a while." Spike suddenly felt more at odds with them than ever before. An awkward silence passed.
"Well, let me leave you to whatever." Spike said meanly to the group.
Giles stopped him, "Spike, don't leave. Dawn asked that you stay."
"Has anyone called Angel?" Spike asked. Everyone looked shocked, that they had not thought to but he had (he figured). Willow said, "I'll start calling."
Spike walked over to the counter and poured himself a cup of coffee, "anyone want some?" he asked. They all shook their heads.
Giles began first, "We need to find Buffy's father-to let him know what happened."
"That will be difficult," Xander said, "We never found him after Joyce died."
Anya came downstairs then.
"Is Dawn asleep?" Tara asked.
"If you could call it that," Anya replied.
"This will be so hard for her," Tara whispered. Xander reached over and put his arm around her.
Willow came back in the kitchen-"There was no answer at the hotel or at Cordy's. I left a message . . . for them to call." Again, the awkward silence.
"I don't want to cause problems," Spike began, "but who's going to look after little sis?"
"Tara and I are going to stay here for a while," Willow said, trying to hold back tears.
"Good," said Spike, "It's going to be important for you all to be here with her. She can't do this alone."
"And what would you possibly know about it, Spike?" Xander shouted.
"A lot actually." Spike replied.
Willow intervened, "Xander, this is no time to start this. We need to be thinking as clearly as possible."
"Sorry, Will. I just have a hard time accepting him here now." Xander defended himself.
"Alright, lackey. I'll leave. [to Giles] I'll be in the basement when Dawn wakes up."
"That wasn't fair, Xander," Willow said, "He's trying to help-trying to help Dawn, in fact."
"Again, not getting the vampire/help thing here," Xander said.
Tara left to go to the bathroom. As she rounded the corner to go upstairs, she heard noises from the basement.
Downstairs in the basement, Spike was hitting the wall and crying.
"Get out, witch," he snarled at Tara, sensing she had come in.
"Spike, it's alright to grieve-vampire or not-we all are grieving."
"But you heard them, what right do I have to be here? I am a monster to all of them."
"Not them, Spike, him. Xander. Besides, Dawn asked for you to stay. She is the woman of the house."
"I don't even know why I care, I spent as much time hating her as I did . . ."
"Loving her?" Tara finished.
"Whatever it was, maybe love. She didn't think so. I'm not sure. I respected her . . . even when I hated her, I respected her. She was so different from any of the other"
"Slayers?" Tara asked.
"Yes, no. Any of the other women I knew. I mean . oh why the hell am I sharing this with one of you. And what right does she have to make me feel any of this? Doc summed it up perfectly 'I don't smell a soul anywhere on you' and he was right. That's supposed to be the beauty of it, no conscience, no remorse."
"That's not true," Tara started.
"It bloody well is true, I am a vampire. I may not walk the walk but still, a vampire with all the trappings."
"No the conscience and remorse thing-it's not entirely true. Maybe you haven't suffered the consequences of your own actions since.you became a vampire, but conscience, remorse, they hit us all the harder when its got nothing to do with our actions." Tara said.
Spike looked at her hard, probably the hardest he has looked at her ever. "Willow is lucky she got you back."
"There are two things that bother me the most, and for whatever reason I feel like I should tell you," Spike said-frankly uncomfortable with the situation he now faced. "I feel like I should have fought harder, kept Doc from hurting Dawn-that Buffy's death could have been averted."
"No, Spike." Tara started.
"No let me finish. The other thing, is that without this chip in my head, I would never have been asked to accept such a huge burden as defending that little girl. And what's more, I wish I didn't have this goddamned chip in my head. Because then, I wouldn't care about her death-or any of you. In fact, I would probably celebrate, or plan some other.Oh god." and Spike abruptly turned and ran upstairs.
Bursting into the kitchen, he shouted, "No one! No one can know of Buffy's death!"
Everyone turned in shock, "Why?" Willow asked.
"Because every baddie on the block will show up looking for his or her piece. It'll make Glory's plans look like a surprise party."
Giles, Willow, Tara, Anya and Xander paled with the realization.
Willow interjected, "What about the next slayer? Buffy's death will certainly call another."
Before Giles could answer, Spike said, "No it won't. She called hers when the Master killed her. That slayer called Faith when Dru.well, past history and all. Fact is, Faith is very much alive, and in gaol. It's her or nothing."
Everyone turned to Giles, "Surprisingly, Spike is right."
"Well, it's his business to know about calling slayers and all." Xander said. "Yeah, I know. Non-productive commentary unwelcome here."
Everyone fell silent again. Spike pulled out his flask from his pocket and poured some in his coffee, took a sip and then poured some more.
"Angel," Willow said, "he needs to know. In fact, he could help-if he comes."
"He'll come," Xander said.
"I'll go to L.A. and bring him back." Willow said. Tara started to say something, but stopped herself.
"Be careful," Giles admonished.
"I will."
It was one day later, they were preparing for Buffy's wake tomorrow. The group had decided on a very small funeral-daylight-which meant neither Spike nor Angel could attend, if Angel made it. Willow had gotten to the hotel a couple of hours after she left, but neither Angel, Cordy or Wesley were there.
Spike had been with Dawn nearly every waking moment-hers, not his. He had sat with her, in the basement mostly, talking about every inane thing they could think of-to avoid talking of her death.
And Spike had thought his guilt had been heavy and limitless. It couldn't compare to the burden that she carried. He wanted to say something reassuring, but he didn't have the humanity to tell her lies, and he wasn't cruel enough to tell her the truth, so he said nothing.
Just after dark, Willow and Angel showed up.
"What's he doing here?" Angel asked, referring to Spike.
"A lot has changed, old man," Spike answered.
"Is Cordy with you?" Xander asked.
"No." Angel said.
Dawn came out of the kitchen, saw Angel and frowned. "What's he doing here?" She asked petulantly.
"Who's she?" Angel asked.
"Buffy's sister." Anya answered.
"Buffy doesn't have a sister," Angel retorted.
"Long story, Angel," Xander added, "Willow, you didn't fill him in on the way back?"
"Angel, come with me to the kitchen." Spike ordered. Angel stood there. "For god's sake, man. You need to come into the kitchen."
Angel followed Spike, clearly confused by everything.
As soon as they were out of earshot, Angel turned on Spike. "What the hell do you think you're doing here?"
"Dawn asked me to stay?"
"Who the hell is Dawn?"
"It's a long story Angel. Want some blood? Picked up some from the butcher shop. Oh, I don't kill anymore."
"Way I hear it it's you can't kill anymore." Angel shot back.
"Whatever, point is, I've stocked up-and seeing as.anyway-it's in the fridge if you want it."
Spike then sat down and filled Angel in on what had transpired in the past months.
"You mean she, Dawn, remembers me?" Angel asked incredulously.
"Aye bro, she does. And she has some trust issues with you."
"But not with you?"
"Well, what can I say?"
Angel grabbed Spike and pushed him against the wall.
"Whoa, wait a minute there," Spike said, "Let's remember why you are here."
Angel sobered and put Spike down.
"You know, even when you were evil, I never liked you much. God knows I couldn't stand you after you got your soul. But whatever, I can put it aside. She would have wanted you here."
Angel looked at Spike for a moment, trying to figure his angle.
"Got none, really old boy. Wish I did-I really do. It would be a lot easier." Spike answered, as if he knew exactly what Angel was thinking.
"How is this hard on you, I would like to know?" Angel asked.
"Me too," Xander added. Not accustomed to siding with Angel, Xander stood next to the counter, squaring off against the two vampires.
"Well, lackbrain, that's none of your business. Fact is, Buffy asked me to protect Dawn, and that is what I intend to do. You both can just piss off for all I care-after tomorrow."
"I need some air," Angel said, getting up and leaving the room.
Outside, Angel sat on the back porch. Willow and Tara came outside to see if he was ok.
"Are you.?" Willow started, but it just didn't feel right to ask him if he was ok, considering.
Angel looked at her, the anguish on his face evident, even in the dark.
"How, Willow? How did this happen?" Angel asked.
Willow began to explain the events at the tower, but Angel interrupted her. "No, I don't mean, well I do mean, but how did he."
"Oh, well, you know, he's kind of changed in the past year.the chip.you do know about the chip?"
"Yeah, I had heard. But that doesn't change who he is.How could Bu.how could she have asked him to protect Dawn?"
"Angel, he was the only one besides Buffy who would have had a chance against Glory. Buffy knew that, what else could she have done?"
"But Spike?"
"Angel, whatever you may think of the reason, Spike can't harm people anymore. He may not have a soul, but regardless he's not trying to hurt us anymore. I think, in some small way, Buffy felt sorry for him at first, then disgust (Willow stopped, not wanting to reveal Spike's crush at this moment), but I think she may have forgiven him in some way."
Xander calls from inside, "Willow!"
"Sorry Angel, I'll be right back." Willow went outside, but Tara stayed.
"I'm sorry," Angel said, "but who are you?"
"I'm Tara, Willow's.roommate."
"Oh.oh!" Angel said, remembering what Cordy had confided in him before.
"You're different than what I had expected," Tara offered.
"How so?" Angel asked.
"I pictured you, more Irish, I guess." Tara finished.
Angel just stared at her for a moment. "How are you doing with all of this?"
"Me? Well, I sort of p-play a tangential role in all of these things. In fact, been pretty much out of my mind for the past couple of weeks," she said.
"Well with what Willow and Spike told me, that's understandable."
"No, really out of my mind. Glory did this brain-sucking thing on me and many others. Willow saved me with a spell."
"She's gotten pretty powerful then? I mean, wasn't this Glory a God or something?"
"Uh, yeah," Tara said and nodded.
They sat awkwardly for a moment before Tara spoke.
"I-I don't usually come right out with things like this, but."
"But what?" Angel asked.
"It, it just seems to me that if Buffy did forgive Spike, ask him to protect Dawn, you should accept that," Tara began to stammer slightly as Angel was obviously uncomfortable with what she was saying, "w-well I mean, she forgave you. She forgave Giles when he.anyway, she was an amazing person. Slayer aside, she had.has the capacity to forgive anything. That's what made her special-that's why she sacrificed herself. I-I'm sorry. I-I shouldn't."
"No, it's alright," Angel said, deeply touched by what Tara had said. "You're right, and regardless of what I think, I need to respect that about her, and respect her wishes."
Angel stood to go back inside, "Are you coming?" he asked Tara.
"I'll be there in a moment." Tara said.
Xander and Anya sat in the living room with Giles. Anya was crying softly.
"Do you expect trouble with Angel and Spike here?" Xander asked.
"Expect?" Giles said, "More like counting the minutes."
"Yeah, just as long as they both realize that Dawn is the one who is going to be most affected if they start fighting." Xander said.
"Well Xander, it wasn't very long ago that you were picking arguments with Spike." Giles retorted.
"Stop it," Willow said, coming into the room. "I swear, every time I walk into a room, there's another argument I need to put out. Just stop it."
"You're right, Willow," Giles said, "we really do need to stop this."
"Well, what do you expect us to do?" Anya asked, still crying, "I mean, I just have all of this rage that she's dead. And then I feel so grateful that it isn't Xander, or me that's dead."
"Anya!" Xander chided.
"And that's just it, how can I possibly be glad to be here when I feel so awful that she died?" Anya cried, "It's just not fair, it's not fair. She should be here with us, and we should be celebrating that she defeated Glory and that the world is safe. And, and it's not right that we're here when she's not."
Xander put his arms around Anya and held her while she wept.
Spike came in the room with Dawn, who seeing Anya crying began to cry as well. She hugged Spike, who patted her reassuringly whispering, "sshhh."
Angel walked in and stared uncomprehendingly at Spike. Spike glared at Angel above Dawn's head. Dawn, seeing Angel, pulled away from Spike and wiped away her tears.
Angel approached Dawn, "I'm sorry.I am so sorry." And Angel didn't know what he was sorrier for, Buffy's death, or for intruding on her here.
Willow moved between Angel and Dawn, putting her arm around them both. "We should all get some rest before tomorrow, and it will be sunrise soon."
Giles stood up to leave and Angel followed him. "Where is he going?" Anya whispered to Xander.
"He's staying at Giles's." Xander whispered back.
Dawn spoke out, "Angel, please stay here. Buffy would want you to stay."
Angel looked tentatively at everyone, who nodded their affirmation. Lastly, he looked to Spike who shrugged his shoulders. "If you don't mind bunking with your old mate, the basement's about as safe from sunlight as anywhere." Spike said.
Angel did not look as if he relished spending the night with Spike, but nodded.
"Has anyone seen Tara?" Willow asked.
"I'm here," she replied. Willow went over and put her arms around her.
Downstairs, Spike said to Angel, "There's a cot in the corner."
"Gee, thanks." Angel said, and after a moment, "Why does she distrust me?"
"Kid sis?" Spike asked, "Way I figured it, the monks built her memories on what Buffy knew. And you'd left her twice. First when you lost your soul and then when you left for L.A."
"Alright, but why does she trust you?"
"Me? Well aside from pubescent/rebellious admiration of me-don't give me that look-I never tried to hurt the kid. I always kinda liked her. Anyway, I already had the chip by the time she came around-no bite, no threat."
"Yeah but she has to know what you were like before, I mean the monks certainly would have added that."
"What can I say, guess I didn't warrant enough a chunk of the slayer's mind to base any fake memories on."
"That bothers you doesn't it?" Angel asked, rather cruelly.
"Yeah, okay, I am bloody well not about to play share the feelings with you."
"Right, because that game would be so one-sided. What could you possible share?"
"You know, I thought you were bad playing whipped-boy, then it was dejected- hero. This is the worst, by far. Where do you get off? Where were you when this all went down? In fact, where have you been when any of the Slayer's shit went down in the past-two years? You've been playing hero-boy and leaving her to fight all kinds of nasties. That's all fine and good, being the Slayer and all-kind of her job-but for all the stuff I did do, I never gave her the impression that she had a partner in me and then split. That was all you."
"God, do you actually kid yourself that you loved her?" Angel asked. Spike was startled, had Willow spilled that?
"You aren't capable of love, William," Angel said in his Irish brogue.
"What do you know soul-man? You think you need a soul to love someone? Do you need a soul to feel bad when someone's gone?"
"Yes you do, Spike."
"Wrong, Angel. You needed the soul to love someone. You were the coldest bastard out there, but I will let you in on a little secret, it's not because you didn't have a soul or because you were a vampire. You were incapable of humanity when you were still human. And if you ask me, you're incapable of it still."
"I didn't ask you."
"Well, I don't give a damn. You are incapable of any real happiness."
"You know damn well what would happen."
"Oh bugger that, I don't mean 'that one moment of true happiness' I mean everyday things. You are damned afraid of what happiness would do to your tortured soul bit that you refuse to even try. Face it, if you had a pair, you would have stuck around this town just to be with the woman that you loved."
"It would have been worse had I stayed.for Buffy. She needed a normal life."
"Oh and what approximation of normal life do you suppose she had? No, you left because it was too hard for you to stay. Well you know what? Love is hard, it hurts, it tears you apart and you're battered because of it.but what am I saying? You're the one with the soul; you already know this anyway. Now bugger off, because I want to sleep late."
The next night. The wake. No one wanted to think of it and yet it loomed in everyone's mind. Giles had gone to bring Buffy's body back to the house. The silence was thick like a fog that settled over everyone.
When Giles returned, Spike, Angel and Xander helped him bring in the casket. Since the funeral tomorrow would be small, and during the day, this would be Spike and Angel's last chance to say goodbye.
For everyone, seeing the casket brought home the finality of what they were doing. They all sat in the living room.
Giles began, "We are here to say goodbye to our friend Buffy. She.she was the person who mattered most to me in all my years as Watcher. I-I can't do this."
Willow was next, already openly weeping. "Buffy was a friend, a lover, a sister, and a daughter. She was also a Slayer. And yet, it wasn't this that makes.made her so special to me." Tara put her arms around Willow, and said, "I only wish I had more time to know you."
There was a knock at the door. Giles, wiping his eyes, answered the door.
"Cordy!" Xander called out. Angel looked up in surprise. Cordelia walked over to Angel and put her arms around him. "Are you okay?" she whispered to Angel. He nodded.
"I took this a couple of years ago, and then well. Anyway, I thought she might like it." It was a photo Cordelia had taken of the group at Prom.
"I think she would want that." Dawn said, "and this too." It was Buffy's diary.
Giles went to the casket and lifted the lid. Buffy lay there, lifeless and waxen; cold. Silence fell over the room as everyone, shocked by the body, stared in. Angel placed the photo in her hand; Dawn lay the dairy over her stomach.
Xander went over to the casket and whispered something to Buffy. Then he sat down with Anya and wept openly for the first time since Buffy had died. "I know," Anya soothed, "I love her too."
"I wasn't very nice to you," Cordelia began, crying, "and I am so sorry. Buffy, I will miss you. We all will. We also thank you for everything that you did for us. You saved the world-a lot. But more than that.you.I'll miss you."
Spike put a small envelope in Buffy's casket, took her hand and kissed it. "Thank you," was all the eulogy he could give.
Angel leaned over and gently kissed Buffy on her forehead, trying to forget how cold her skin felt. "I love you.always" he whispered.
The night lurched into day as everyone stiffly rose. Giles closed Buffy's casket as Anya, Tara, Willow, Xander, Cordelia and Dawn stood to prepare for the funeral. Spike went to the basement to sleep.
Cordelia walked over to Angel, "Are you going to be okay?" she asked.
"I don't know," he answered. "I need to go away for a while. Tell Gunn and Wes.tell them I'll be back."
"Okay," she said, "I will. Take care of yourself, please."
As everyone left, Angel knew there was one last thing he needed to do. He walked up the stairs to Buffy's room.
To be continued.