BUFFER: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
CONGRATULATIONS!
You are now the proud owner of a BUFFER unit!
Follow the guidelines in this manual and your BUFFER will give you decades of quality performance.
INSTALLATION
Your BUFFER should arrive fully assembled and charged. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued with the correct edition of the BUFFER unit.
BUFFER (copyright McElroy/Lindsay Taylor, 2006)
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Name: Peter Tomaszewski
Nickname: Buffer
Rank: Petty Officer Bosun
Warship: HMAS Hammersley
Country: Australia
Parents: Mr and Mrs Tomaszewski
Height: 6 ft 2 in
Weight: insufficient data
Hair Color: Dark Brown
Eyes: Brown
OPERATING PROCEDURE
Your BUFFER unit has been designed to be user-friendly and proficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your commands clearly in English
Remember that your BUFFER is not just aesthetically pleasing; he has multiple functions.
Intelligence Quotient:
His IQ is off the scale! He can recall facts and complex formulas on cue, so if you want to dazzle your friends, take him with you to your next geek party. He will be a guaranteed winner at Trivial Pursuit.
Combat:
Your BUFFER unit is programmed with multiple defense techniques, including Karate and Judo. While he abhors violence on principle, he will not hesitate to use force if someone tries to threaten someone he loves. Remember, "yo-mama" jokes in his presence are a no-no, especially those that start with "yo mama's so dead..." Please endeavor to remember he has the strength to crush your windpipe if he so chooses.
COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS
The maintenance of a BUFFER unit as an attachment to a KIRK unit is generally not problematic after the first few hours. The BUFFER unit has three modes of interaction:
(a) Hostile
(b) Friendly
(c) Down-right Angry
ACCESSORIES
The items with which your BUFFER comes equipped with:
BUFFER: Wears standard Navy DPNU's. Cigarrettes optional.
CLEANING
Depending on the uses to which you put your BUFFER, you may have to clean him on a regular basis. Use a shower to clean him.
LUBRICATION
To ensure that your BUFFER remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.
RECHARGING
After long periods of use, your BUFFER's energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your unit
Food:
Your BUFFER will eat anything and everything if you leave it there. He will also eat the sandwich that you just put on the table to eat.
Drink:
If your BUFFER's energy is almost spent, give him plenty of water to drink.
Sleep:
You may be surprised by the minute amount of sleep your BUFFER needs to function.
REPROGRAMMING
The BUFFER unit can be issued with a revised Navy combat training manual program from NAVCOM.
SECURITY
Thanks to the popularity of the BUFFER unit it essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your unit
* Have your BUFFER micro-chipped. Choose a doctor who is experienced in the handling of stubborn Vulcans to carry out this procedure. (Any nearby SWAIN unit would gladly volunteer.)
* Do not leave your BUFFER unattended in public.
* Do not lend your BUFFER to anyone.
TROUBLE SHOOTING
Problem: Your BUFFER keeps angsting over the death of his mother
Solution: Locate your SWAIN unit and instruct him to give your BUFFER something to help him. Don't worry the SWAIN unit can handle this, after all he is a doctor and knows what he is going through.
Problem: Your BUFFER keeps making noise until the wee hours of the night and it's interfering with your sleep. You have politely asked him to refrain, but he still refuses to desist.
Solution: Blast Aqua's "Barbie Girl" on a continuous loop directly into his room. He'll stop after that.
ADDITIONAL INFO
For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at mailing address:
NAVCOM
PO BOX 1701
CAIRNS, QLD
THE END
A/N: Any questions, comments, concerns about the BUFFER model? Review and I will do my best to answer/fix them.