A/N: A short one-shot starting during the scene in 4x08 when Brooke knocks on Lucas' door.
It's depressing. Please don't hate me, because I love all of you
Numb
He wants to pretend that it's all her fault. That she just came into his room and seduced him and he had nothing to do with it. That he was powerless.
"Lucas I miss you."
But then she had sat down on his bed, whispering those words that made her seem so childish, and yet so appealing.
Like he had held the power.
"I was just thinking about you, and us, and I guess I thought that was enough."
And she had stood up, running a hand up his arm almost accidentally, staring up at him with her hazel (broken) eyes, leaning up to whisper into his ear that she wanted him so badly.
She had sent chills down his spine, leaving him wondering how it had been a month since they kissed, and yet she still had the power to make him need her so fucking much.
So she shut his bedroom door, locking it behind her, and she had come right up to him and kissed him fully on the mouth. It took him a minute to respond, to open his eyes and make sure that, yes, it was Brookekissing him.
Only this kiss wasn't full of love - it wasn't gentle. It was harsh, angry, hurt.
She had pushed him back on the bed before he knew what was happening. And he hatedher in that moment, because he knew as soon as she kissed him, that he would neverbe over her.
He wishes he knew what happened to the girl he loved. The one who held him close and let him cry on her shoulder. The one who never needed to be saved.
It's not this girl. The girl he's making moan as he slips his hand under the waistband of her jeans, unbuttoning them in the process. The girl that's pulling up his shirt, dragging her nails across his back. The girl who stopped kissing him minutes ago, which makes him remember that scene in Pretty Woman (which she had made him watch a hundred times with her) where Julia Roberts says kissing is too personal.
Now he feels dirty. And he pulls his hand away and pushes her off him. She looks at him, with swollen lips, and moves a hand to the bulge in his pants.
And he doesn't wantto want her, but he does. So he lets himself be enraptured by her. He lets his inhibitions go, only this time he pins her beneath him and kisses her forcefully, because he wants to makeit mean something.
Somehow she's pushing down his jeans and he prays to god his mom has already left for the cafe because he knows what's going to come next, and he doesn't have the strength to pull away again.
When he harshly thrusts into her, she grabs the headboard and shuts her eyes, and he wants to make her feel good, and he wants to make her forget. So he pushes into her harder and she cries out into his neck, dragging a hand across his hair, letting herself go.
This isn't like anything they've done before because both of them are so angry. And he has to remind himself as she breathes his name and clenches herself around him that she isn't his anymore. That he can't love this body anymore. The one he's holding beneath him as she arrives quickly and loudly.
He's shocked that they've gone this far, and once it's all over, and he stays, breathing raggedly on top of her, he realizes how careless they were.
"Are you still on..."
She pushes him off of her and shakes her head. She leans back against his pillow for a minute, her chest rising and falling.
Then she picks her clothes off the bed and, after dressing quickly, leaves without another word.
He doesn't hear from her again until a week later when she calls him.
"I got it."
"What?"
"My period. I'm not pregnant."
And then she hung up. So, instead of logically calling her back, he picks up his car key and drives all the way to her house (despite the fact that it's 3 AM on a Thursday).
She knows its him before she even answers the door and he almost feels bad about kissing her so forcefully, because she looks so innocent in those flannel pajamas. But the skin under them is so soft, so warm, and he doesn't worry about them for another second as he pulls them off of her and takes her right there against the door to the living room. Only this time, he's brought a condom, and when he realizes it's ripped she tells him it doesn't matter, she went back on birth control.
And for a moment, standing there in the dark foyer, as she steps back into her pajamas, he wonders if maybe there's still a chance. But then ascends the stairs without a backward glance, and he begins to accept that it's really over.
The third time it happens they're both drunk. It began with him joining in on a game of I Never at a party, and then her brushing her knee against his. And he touches her under the table, feeling the soft skin of her thigh against his rough hand, and they both stand abruptly.
They drive to his house without another word, and this time when it's over, she's too tired to go home, so he lets her stay. She crawls under his sheets and pretends to fall asleep. From the other side of the bed he can hear her crying.
By now he's with Peyton, a relationship he had only started to piss the brunette off. He doesn't really realizes he's cheating on his girlfriend until he wakes up the next morning next to Brooke, dry tears staining her face.
She gets pregnant a month later, after forgetting to take the pill 2 days in a row, and aborts the baby without telling him. She assumes he would tell her to keep it, but doesn't really want to hear his reaction. Lucas Scott, boyfriend, would be caring, generous, telling her that everything would be alright and that if she wanted to have this baby, then so did he. But this isn't Lucas Scott, boyfriend. That Lucas Scott would never agree to meaningless sex with the girl he loved, because that's not who Lucas Scott is. Or was.
She doesn't know who he is anymore, because he's changed so much.
She figures it's probably her fault.