We can't," she sighs into my neck as my fingers wander down towards the promises lying behind the top button of her trousers. My fingers know the way so well they continue working the plastic and fabric until the button pops free and her hands fly down to shoo mine away. "You know we can't."
"We both had complete physicals," I argue even while I know that's not the heart of the issue.
"John," she corrects me with that softly scathing look that means I'll never get to have sex. "We can't."
Pulling my hands back I stuff them into my pockets and focus my mind on calculating the correct approach vector from Saturn. I stop when I hit the integration and stretch out my shoulders as she returns apologetically to the window and stares away from me.
"Do you want to talk?" I ask pathetically trying not to choke on the words. They aren't really that distasteful, usually I love talking to her. I like watching the way her lips smile a moment or two after her eyes crinkle up.
"Thank you," she chirps dryly as she inclines her head just enough towards me to act like she's paying attention. "No," Elizabeth finishes as she lowers her head to the window frame. She's tense today, again, and unlike me, I don't think it's about the lack of physical contact. I can still taste her on my lips and I would quite contentedly go back to kissing.
"John," she begins again after an eternity as I lean against the wall and try to convince myself that vector calculus can always take my mind off the stubborn wishes of my body.
I want her. I stare up the slim lines of her back and study the way her bra is just a little tighter than the red t-shirt clinging to her. She never wore red before we left the SGC.
"I'm not rejecting you," Elizabeth tries to explain. "I can't—"
Shrugging and pulling myself up on the desk in her quarters, I fold my hands in my lap and nod once. "Of course not," I agree without being entirely sure what I'm agreeing to. Her hair's curlier today and I wonder if it's about to rain. The last time that curl on the back of her neck was so tight…
"It wouldn't—" Elizabeth continues while I keep nodding towards my hands.
Pull up when you break out of the atmosphere, John, coast your way down.
"Hey," I offer as politely as I can. Running my hand through my hair just reminds me how good it feels to run my hands through her hair and the blood starts rushing away from my brain.
Ease up on the throttle just enough to keep from flattening yourself out like a pancake in the snow.
"I don't come to your quarters just so I can rip off your clothes and drag you down on the bed," I offer lightly hoping she'll realize we're not seriously talking about having a baby. "Your view is better than mine."
"I have the best," she agrees softly and the smile that threatens to light up her eyes starts to glimmer a little bit. "What would we talk about?"
"Football?" I ask hopefully and chuckle when she shakes her head sadly.
"I know it's a tremendous part of the US entertainment economy that they haven't been entirely successful exporting to other countries," Elizabeth attempts to contribute pathetically.
Her breasts move when she speaks and the softly changing curve of the left one as she moves her hand over her arm is more distracting than trying to remember the starting line up of the '76 Dolphins.
I fumble out of my black fleece jacket and try not to look like I'm about to boil out of my turtleneck. "Basketball?"
Same politely blank look.
"Polo? Water Polo? Golf?"
The smile finally breaks and she giggles slightly as she shakes her head. "Economic development?" she offers half-heartedly and when I force myself to nod, she starts to laugh in earnest. "Seriously?"
"I can't stand baseball," I admit as if I was telling McKay black holes really do lead to other galaxies. "I didn't loathe economics. The math bits were all right. Kind of simplistic though."
"I had to be tutored on the math bits," she admits with a slow shake of her head.
I lean my head against the wall hard enough to feel the crack of my skull against the plating. It actually helps me stop thinking about the straining of my blood vessels. "What did you do on your last vacation?"
"Simon-" and there's the abrupt stop that comes after each time she actually voices his name out loud. "I went to India," she corrects herself without repeating his name.
"I haven't been there," I wait for her to elaborate on the story, but her eyes are staring out over the ocean again. Maybe I should be glad we're stuck without condoms. It's hard to be with her when she's in one of her distant moods. Not that she's any less beautiful, there's just something missing when she won't look into my eyes.
"It's lovely," she answers simply rubbing her hands over her arms as she tries to think of something else to say. Her struggle tightens her lips and as much as I want to slide off the desk and kiss the seriousness out of her face, I don't think it would do anything for her heart. "Where did you go?"
"Chile," I shrug slightly and decide to see if she needs me to go there first. "After Nancy and I got divorced—"
Divorced runs over her face like cold water, but there's sympathy in her eyes. "You ran off to Chile?"
"I went skiing," I correct her with a tiny grin. "There was some running away involved I guess. I didn't go to another galaxy though."
With her mind back on Simon, she stiffens again, and this time I'm brave enough to reach out my hand. "Elizabeth—"
Luckily for me, it becomes one of the moments where I don't need to say anything more than that. She takes my hand with surprising ferocity and brings it to her chest. Her lips move for a moment; she stops and just holds my hand. Two sets of thin fingers wrap around my own and keep it close to her heart. This side of her always surprises me. I can't quite figure out how powerful, intelligent, indomitable Elizabeth coexists with this softer almost fragile woman staring down at my lap.
The slow curling of her lips makes me realize exactly what she's seeing just above my thighs.
"I am sorry," she apologies again releasing my hands and putting both of hers on my chest. "First we can't, then I get—"
I don't even have to shake my head this time. Elizabeth leans in and her hair touches my face an instant before her lips cover mine. Her quick fingers reach down and start working the button at the top of my pants.
Kissing my chin before her eyes turn wicked, Elizabeth rubs her forehead against my cheek, silently assuring herself that I- well- am whatever it is I am to her. I rest my hand on the small of her back, then let it fall and grab her ass.
"Cheeky—"