My Immortal doesn't belong to me, and so is Harry Potter. What I own is everything in bold.
Chapter 1.
AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)
(Yes, I get it, and to be honest it's a lame pun. An incredibly lame pun.)
2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling.
(Obviously she didn't help much.)
U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!
(THE SMITHS ROCK TOO!)
Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way
(Her parents actually named her Dementia?)
and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears
(Whoa, whoa, girl, that's one hell of a description.)
and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).
(I know who she is, I'm not dumb. Holy Rassilon.)
I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.
(INCEST.)
I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white.
(It's not that vampires have wavy, green teeth either.)
I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England
(HOGWARTS IS IN SCOTLAND.)
where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen).
(Yeah, Captain Obvious.)
I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black.
(Oh, yes, of course, I can't tell, even though in the author notes you have stated that you're "goffik".)
I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots.
(I don't think such clothes are allowed in Hogwarts.)
I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.
(Is describing your make-up necessary? I don't think so.)
I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about.
(Snowing and raining.. at the same time?)
A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
(That's a bit rude, don't you think?)
"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was….
(Your mum?)
Draco Malfoy!
(Oh.)
"What's up Draco?" I asked.
"Nothing." he said shyly.
(Shyly? Shy? A shy Draco Malfoy?!)
But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.
(Wow, that was such an interesting conversation.)
AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!
(No, it's not.)
What do you think about this commentary? I've wrote a Jo Belle commentary before and I think it's pretty rubbish, so that's why I'm writing another commentary, because I want to write a better one. Reviews are welcome, flames aren't.