Dear Sir/Madam,
Congratulations! You have won the presidential election and are now considered the most powerful person on Earth. I am assuming that you are the newly-elected president of the United States of America. If you are not and are merely a very lost secretary or clerk trying to find the papers on the new nuclear policy, they are at the back of the third drawer near the pink and yellow cabinet in the kitchen. Yes, I know, a terrible colour choice for a cabinet.
Who am I? You are probably wondering why the former president gave you this yellowed envelope on the first day you stepped into the White House, basking in the glory and relish at disposing of your rival, then proceeded to dash off with a sombero on his or her head and a milkshake in one hand to somewhere peaceful. In fact, I know that you are already questioning yourself and going "Why oh why must they insist I read this letter before I get started on anything?". I'll try to be as brief as possible. The key word here, sir or madam, is 'try'.
My name is Alfred. F. Jones. If you want a complete list of names that I have used, please see me for furthur details. Why Alfred? Why choose that name? It was the name of one of my favourite navy ships, the S.S Alfred. A great ship she was. My official name though, is the United States of America.
Now, before you get up and press that little blue button over there on your desk to summon somebody and ask them if this is the former's president idea of a joke, let me assure you that this is not a joke. And trust me, I have seen my fair share of reactions from former presidents. Nixon was an idiot though. He tore up my original letter and I had to rewrite the entire damn thing.
Still reading? Good, please do continue. If you are feeling faint though, I suggest a day of bed rest and a cup of nice, hot coffee. Okay, back already? Let's go on.
Greetings again! I assumed you had a great day pondering on whether to throw this letter into the shredder and incinerate the pieces. If you are reading this, it means that you have not done anything with it yet and are still willing to hear me out.
America has always been a proud nation, a nation standing tall, a beacon of light to the rest of the world and you, sir or madam, will continue to carry on that job, the job of leading the world, a feat that many have failed to pull off successfully. Let me reassure you though, that I will always be by your side. It is my duty to guide every single president that has walked through the corridors of the White House and ensure that they know that what they're doing is for the good of the American people and the world, never for personal gain.
And now, a list of do's and dont's. Lovely old George insited on it. Over the years I have edited some of the contents.
-Give me a daily allowance. How did you think I got the money to buy my daily supply of healthy McDonalds burgers?
-Whenever a guy calling himself Molossia comes over, please do not hesitate to cower behind your large mahogony desk in the Oval Office. Or you could just hide in the broom cupboard.
-If England (or the United Kingdom) comes over, please do not enter the room when I am conversing with him. Personal matters and stuff. And no, not that way! I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING AND IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!
-If I am in a meeting with all fifty of my states, do not come in unless I have given you prior permission. Remember, not all Americans voted for you.
-Please, if a guy comes into your office weilding an iron pipe and going "Kolkolkol", press that shiny red button there. It's specially designed for these kind of emergencies.
-I like to watch scary movies. I might pull you out of your important security meetings at any moment and plop you down on the couch to watch the movie with me.
-I have a pet alien called Tony. Don't ask.
Good luck with your term, sir or madam! Random fact though: Most of your predecessors only choose to remain for one term before quitting.
Yours sincerely,
Alfred. F Jones
The United States of America
Might do another one for another nation. I don't know. :/