August 18, 2014
I have a secret that I'm about to share with the world. My name is Miley Stewart and I don't know what I am. All my life I was raised to like men. My family has one gay uncle, but it comes from my dad's side of the family and it is hard I think for my own father to take in the fact that his brother is gay. My parents have been married for twenty six years and still going strong. I have no siblings and was raised in the faith of being a United Methodist. I grew up in many places, of which were Montana, Washington, Kansas, hell even Idaho. Most of my childhood we moved from place to place finally settling down in Idaho by the time I turned 10 years old.
As for knowing who I am? Well I've dated three guys, slept with two of them, and only one of them had become a boyfriend. I was hurt in different ways by at least 20 guys growing up and I was just sick of it all. I'm now a junior in college and my fear is that if I allow my secret to be known to the world I would be looked at completely differently then the average American. You see my secret only few few people know about. And they are the three of my best friends. Also my parents, but they only know that I'm interested and curious about other woman. I never told them I was bi or gay, I don't even know that myself. Alls I know I have fallen for at least 4 woman in my life and I'm quickly falling for a fifth right now as we speak. She is the reason I'm going to tell my story.
I met her through my church through the bell choir, yes I play handbells in my church, and she came last year as a freshman and I was a sophomore. At the time I was with my first boyfriend and so didn't think anything of it, but time passed and it came to festival and so we had to drive all the way back to Idaho Falls from Missoula. (Oh btw I attend the University of Montana in Missoula, MT if you people were wondering.) So on the trip down I rode with the handbell director and this girl. This girl is what started these thoughts. Her name is Lilly Truscott and man she was a real pretty girl. She grew up mostly in Springfield, Missouri. And then by high school she had transferred with her family to Lewiston, MT and that's how she attend the University of Montana with me. Whereas I was a music major going into organ performance (yeah call me a weirdo) she is a theater major and wanting to become an actress even though she mostly just likes to write and be a director eventually.
Anyways we sat next to each other (on opposite sides of the car) and by this point of the festival I had just recently split with my only boyfriend, I had realized that I only loved Jake as a brother, nothing more. But anyways traveling down wasn't the awkward part for me. Not even traveling back was awkward either. It was just a few moments in the hotel room that got me to think more. She didn't sleep in the same bed as me but we had a whole room to ourselves. I took one bed and she grabbed the other. One night we stayed up late just talking to Siri on my phone trying to get her to say funny expressions and what not. We stayed up till like 1-2 am just giggling our heads off. It was the next night that I had the first thoughts about her.
We had just finished doing our rehearsals all day at the bell choir festival and we were now in a different motel room with the other members of the bell choir and we were playing a pictionary type of game and Lilly was sitting next to me and she wasn't exactly trying to stay off of me or away from me. It seemed like she was trying to sit close to me. At the time I didn't mind I enjoyed the company for she was the closets to my age and the next oldest was married and probably around 26ish. At the time I was still 19. As we played that game that night I kept aware of how she subtle touched me had her leg brush mine as she stood up to grab more food or what not. It was a weird feeling I fit in the pit of my stomach that I hadn't felt for a very long time. Not since when "Semester happened" in high school dealing with my teacher that I liked. But that's for another time. As we walked back to our room later that night I felt awesome we talked till the wee hours of the night again and at the time I figured it would just be a phase that would pass. The year was coming to a close and I would not see her again till the new school year.
But that night did affect me and strange enough she had actually turned me on that night as I let thoughts creep into my head. Of course I could do nothing about it because she was in the same room, but I still wanted too. I wanted to kiss her I wanted to feel her. I wanted Lilly Truscott.