Thought you'd gotten rid of me, did you? Well you were wrong! Albus Dumbledore will never be gone, not as long as those who remain are loyal to him! I mean… pudding…
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling OWNZ.
And for future reference: no, I do not "ship" Draco/Ginny.
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The Lazy Author VS The Obsessive Harry Potter Shippers
And this time, it's fictional.
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Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Harry Potter Fandom sits a small unregarded lazy author.
In front of this author, being written at a speed of roughly sixty words per minute are the beginnings of a story whose main concept is so incredibly reasonable that it is a wonder it was thought up at all.
This author has- or rather has… well that was redundant- a problem, which was this: most of the Harry Potter fans were shippers, and many of them were unhappy. Many solutions were offered to this problem, but most of them regarded careful analysis of some 2000 + pages of fantasy literature, which is odd because on whole it wasn't the literature that was unhappy.
And so the problem remained; not much more of this epic story could be put into the context of the prologue of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
And so, it will become, a puppet show!
-cue Harry Potter music-
The Lazy Author: I love the Harry Potter books, but I hate how vicious these "shippers" have become. I don't even know why they call themselves "shippers" because as far as I am concerned, relationships, except on, like, Baywatch, have nothing to do with boats.
-Enter Ron/Hermione Fan-
Ron/Hermione Fan: Yay! Canon proof!
The Lazy Author: Canon?
Ron/Hermione Fan: Yes! You don't actually get what it means or where it came from, but everyone uses it so you do too!
The Lazy Author: Okay.
-Enter Harry/Hermione Fan-
Harry/Hermione Fan: I'm so devastated! I was sure it would be Harry/Hermione! I hate Ron! Oh I will never recover; two fictional characters didn't end up in the relationship I wanted them to!
Ron/Hermione Fan: HAHA! We were right and you were wrong!
-Ron/Hermione Fan then pulls down their pants to show an image of Ron and Hermione kissing painted on their ass-
Harry/Hermione Fan: Oh how will I overcome the grief?
-Harry/Hermione Fan exists to stage left, loud sobs heard from the stage-
Ron/Hermione Fan: Those Harry/Hermione Fans, they're delusional! How could they think Harry and Hermione would end up together? It was so obviously Ron/Hermione all the way! They're handling it like babies!
The Lazy Author: First off, wouldn't you be upset if you found out your "ship" "sunk"? And what does it really matter, I mean isn't the story supposed to be about Harry saving the wizard world?
-Enter Draco/Hermione Fan-
Draco/Hermione Fan: I'm so upset, Draco and Hermione seemed to be so perfect for each other!
The Lazy Author: Um.. why?
Draco/Hermione Fan: Because they were complete opposites!
The Lazy Author: Right…
Draco/Hermione Fan: Besides, you never really liked the pairing so you don't really know what goes on inside the head of a Draco/Hermione Shipper!
The Lazy Author: True… Now, get out of my sight.
-Ron/Hermione Fan and Draco/Hermione Fan exit to stage right-
The Lazy Author: Good, now I can get on with my life.
-Enter Snape/Hermione Fan-
The Lazy Author: Did you ever actually think that Snape and Hermione would end up together?
Snape/Hermione Fan: … But they were so perfect for each other!
The Lazy Author: You are sick and twisted.
-Enter Harry/Draco Fan-
The Lazy Author: Did you ever think that your favorite pairing would actually end up together?
Harry/Draco Fan: What do you know? You never read Harry/Draco or Snape/Hermione fics!
-The Lazy Author sniffs disdainfully-
The Lazy Author: Fine, then leave.
-Enter Draco/Ginny Fan-
Draco/Ginny Fan: HARRY AND GINNY ARE ALL WRONG FOR EACHOTHER! GINNY SHOULD BE WITH DRACO BECAUSE OPPOSITES ATTRACT!
The Lazy Author: You and the Draco/Hermione Fan should start a club.
-Draco/Ginny Fan scowls and leaves-
The Lazy Author: Finally, some peace and quiet away from these murderous "shippers"!
-Enter Harry/Ginny Fan-
Harry/Ginny Fan: I'm so happy! I knew they should end up together, and HBP proves it!
The Lazy Author: MORE SHIPPERS? AND WHAT THE HELL DOES SHIPPER EVEN MEAN!
-Enter Remus/Sirius Fan-
The Lazy Author: I'm not even gonna start.
-Enter Albus Dumbledore-
Albus Dumbledore: (whispers indistinctly to Lazy Author, who grins)
-The Lazy Author claps her hands and all the "shippers" appear-
The Lazy Author: Okay, do we have any more shippers who would like to join us?
-Off in the distance the lone Crookshanks/Mrs. Norris Fan shakes their head-
The Lazy Author: Okay, to all of you whose "ships" "sunk": I know how you feel. My ship sunk, too, but you're blowing this WAY out of proportion. It's just a book! Albeit a very good book, but it doesn't really matter! I sincerely doubt any of your lives depended on it! And those of you whose "ships" "sailed," don't rub it in, it's just childish and stupid. It's JUST A BOOK!
-The shippers look down and shuffle their feet, and all disappear-
Albus Dumbledore: So, what happens now?
The Lazy Author: We make fun of all the fanfiction, of course!
-Albus Dumbledore and The Lazy Author disappear to go write more parodies-
The End.
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I would like do dedicate this story to all the sane "shippers" of the world. Those who did not get distraught when their "ships" "sunk" or who did not rub it in the faces of others when their "ships" "sailed."