This is my first attempt at writing again for over a year, and I know a lot of people have been asking why I haven't finished my stories, so I would like to finally explain.
As some of you already know, especially those of you who follow me on Twitter, the last year has been heartbreaking for me. My Wife, soul mate and best friend lost her battle against Heart failure, Kidney failure and lung problems last Oct after being in and out of hospital for almost a year.
We were due to marry in August and had to cancel when she was rushed into ICU. We finally got married in Sept on the hospital ward as she was too ill to leave. It was a perfect day surrounded by family and friends and so much love.
We were married for a month when she got a serious infection and never recovered.
I lost all interest in a lot of things writing being one of them. But over the last week I thought I would give it a go again and see how I got on. I know it's not perfect but it's a start. As for the other stories I will see what happens. It may take me a bit longer to get back to those.
Elliot walked into his living room form the kitchen and slumped onto his couch. He knew he needed to get changed out of his work clothes, have a shower and go to bed, but a beer seemed more important right now. He hadn't slept properly for a while the pressure of the trial and then having to be there when Kathleen was arrested for drunk driving.
"Fuck!" he cursed as images of her being driven away in the car flashed through his mind. The look of hate Kathy had given him, it wasn't like he had a choice. He had then tried to talk to her about the pregnancy but she closed the door on him and told him she would speak to him tomorrow. He had headed to the station to be there for Kathleen and to take her home after she the paperwork was done. She hadn't spoken or looked at him on the drive. When he dropped her off she had gotten out the car, slammed the door shut and headed straight into Kathy's arms for a hug. They had gone back into the house without even acknowledging him.
He jumped when he heard the knock at his door and put the beer down as he looked at his watch it was almost midnight. He stood up and went to the small drawer where he kept his gun and took it out quietly cocking it. The area he had moved to was okay but he wasn't going to take any chances. The person on the other side of the door knocked again a little louder this time. He unlocked the door and keeping his weapon hidden he opened it slightly looking outside.
"Hey," said Olivia quietly. "I hope I didn't wake you?"
"Liv?... No I was still up, I wasn't all that tired," he said opening the door wider, and stepping to the side inviting her in. "I had too much on my mind to even try," he said as she walked in. He put his weapon back into the drawer.
"Yeah me too," she said giving him a small smile. "I got suspended for 6 weeks."
"I heard," he said closing the door. "I tried to call earlier but your phone went straight to messages. You okay?"
"I just needed time alone to think."
Elliot nodded and picked up his beer finishing off the bottle. "You want one?" he asked her heading into the kitchen.
"You got anything stronger?" she asked not moving from where she stood.
Elliot reached up into the cupboard and took out a bottle of whisky and poured them both one.
"Only thing I have apart from beer," he told her handing her the glass.
"Its fine," she said still not moving from just inside the door as she took the glass from him. "You heard from Kathy?"
"Yeah," he sighed. "I was there when they arrested Kathleen. I tried to talk to her but both her and Kathleen hate me right now. She wants to meet up tomorrow and discuss me going home. I still can't believe she is pregnant again….."
"Is that what you want to go home to her, to get back together?" she interrupted.
"We are having a baby Liv…"
"But is that what you want?" she asked again. "Do you still love her enough to go back."
"I can't, not be there for the baby. What type of father would that make me?" he walked over to the kitchen and topped up his glass. He watched Olivia as she finished her drink and he took the bottle over to her and topped up her glass. "I mean I haven't done to well on the dad front with Kathleen and I was there for a lot of her life."
"El you tried so hard when Kathy left, and you are a great father. You can't stop kids from getting into trouble whether you are home or not. You tried everything to get back with her and she didn't want it. You finally get your life back on track and start living and suddenly she is pregnant again, she snaps her fingers and has you running back to her like a little lost puppy. It's pathetic, I mean how do you even know the kid is yours?"
Elliot glared at her. "What the hell is that supposed to mean!"
Olivia glanced at him when he raised his voice. "You have been separated for almost 2 years…."
"And?"
"You know what, just forget it," she said finishing her drink. "It's been a hard few days with the trial and all the other shit…. I'm tired and shouldn't have come here, I just wanted to make sure you were okay, as you seemed shocked when you told me about Kathy. I thought you might have needed someone to talk to….I'm just going to go," she said putting the glass down and walking towards the door.
Elliot watched her walking towards the door the anger building up in him. "Yeah, you can't keep Porter waiting. I'm surprised he let you come over here, what did you do sneak out when he fell asleep. I bet he couldn't wait to get back here and be the hero defending you."
Olivia stopped but didn't turn around. "Porter came back to help me out of a tight spot after everything that happened with my brother, and you know that, if he hadn't I could have lost my job."
Elliot huffed out a laugh. "You keep telling yourself that. Your like a teenage girl around the high school football team captain when he is around, and you say I'm pathetic."
Olivia bit down on her lower lip, she hadn't come here to argue with him, but everything between them lately turned into an argument, ever since she had got back from Oregon and he always seemed to know the right buttons to press to piss her off. Well this time she wasn't going to take it. She was going to tell him a few home truths and see how he liked it.
"What's pathetic Stabler," she turning around to face him. "Is using your ex wife for sympathy sex and then believing her when she tells you she is knocked up by you. Jesus, are you that desperate to have her back in your life."
"No more desperate than you were when you fucked your handler on an undercover job."
"I suppose it's better than fucking your partner!" she snapped. The moment the words left her lips she regretted it. She picked up the glass of whisky and downed it, keeping her eyes fixed on Elliot waiting for him to explode.
Elliot's eyes narrowed. "What the hell you on about?" he asked and she could hear the shock in his voice at what she had said.
"Forget it, go back to your wife if that's what you need to do," she said turning back around and heading for the door. She went to open it but Elliot's hand slammed against it shutting it.
"No I won't forget it, what did you mean by that comment."
Olivia sighed. "Everyone knows you were fucking Beck, it was top of the gossip list when I back to the station. I mean it was so obvious the way you acted whenever her name was mentioned. Dani this, Dani that."
"If that's the case," he said moving closer to her and bending slightly so his mouth was close to her ear. "If we are listening to the station gossip….Then I must have been fucking you for the last 10 years, in the cribs, interrogation and the squad car."
Olivia couldn't or didn't dare to move, he was so close to her and she could feel his breath on her ear and smell his aftershave. "You shouldn't listen to rumours Benson," he said moving away from her. Olivia closed her eyes and took a deep breath, before turning around.
Elliot had moved back over to towards the table and was pouring another drink his back to her.
"I never had sex with Dani," he told her without looking in her direction. "And I'm not that stupid that I don't wonder if the baby is mine or not," he told her without looking at her. "But I will never know until the baby is born and we can get a DNA test. So I guess until then I just have to believe her, go home and play happy families. It doesn't make me pathetic or desperate, I just need to do what is right by my family."
"And going back to someone you don't want to be with is doing the right thing?" she asked him. Getting over the shock at what he had said about the rumours.
Elliot shrugged as he leaned onto the table. "Sometimes I think it's got to be better than being alone." He turned his head to look at her. "Isn't that why you keep going back to Porter? So your not alone all the time."
Olivia walked towards him and picked up the bottle and poured herself another drink, before resting against the table next to him.
"I only slept with Porter once," she told him. "I was having a tough time when I was undercover and he was a bit of a release, nothing more."
"And does Porter know this?"
"He wants more, I don't."
"Why not? I mean apart from the fact he is a sleazy fed," he said a small smile on his face. Olivia smiled back glad the tension had eased a little.
"Because unlike you, I would rather be alone, than settle with someone I don't want to be with. I told him this earlier and sent him on his way. I always seem to settle for second best."
"Wish I had been there to see the look on his face," he said smirking and Olivia just looked at him and shook her head.
"I'm sorry for what I said," he apologised. "Like you said it's been a hard and stressful few weeks. I shouldn't be taking it out on you."
Elliot stood up right and leant back against the counter so he was facing her.
"Do you still love Kathy?" she asked him.
Elliot didn't answer straight away opting instead to take another drink.
"Like I said, it's better than being alone," he finally answered.
"Not all the time and that's not answering the question Stabler."
Elliot took another drink without answering her.
"Okay, let's put it this way, would Kathy had asked you to come home if she wasn't pregnant? Because I don't think she would have, not after the way she begged me to get you to sign the divorce papers."
"What you on about?"
"When I came back from Oregon she asked to meet me. She asked me to talk to you and to get you to sign the divorce papers, so she could move on. That's why I was so shocked when you told me she was pregnant and it was yours. Plus it seemed like you had finally accepted the separation and were getting your life together."
"I was," he sighed. "It was a heat of the moment thing, a stupid mistake that shouldn't have happened. After what had happened I needed someone and the person I wan….Let's put it this way, I couldn't get away quick enough after it happened. Kat caught me sneaking out of the house and had a go at me, told me to stop using her Mom as a booty call. I hadn't seen Kathy again till she came to the station and told me she was pregnant. It felt like I was back in high school when she told me she pregnant with Maureen, I felt sick knowing I had screwed up again."
"You didn't screw up the first time El, you have four great kids."
"I know and I love them more than anything but it wasn't how I saw my life, there was so much more I wanted to do," he huffed out a laugh. "You want to hear something I have never told anyone before? The day Kathy asked to meet me to tell me about Maureen I was going to break up with her. I had met someone else at the local fair that I went to when Kathy was out of town with her parents, and I wanted to ask her out. But I hated when guys on the football team would cheat on their girlfriends and because me and Kathy had been together for so long I decided to do the right thing and break up with her first. Before I could do it she told me she was pregnant and in that moment everything changed."
"Wow, and you have never told anyone this before."
He shook his head. "I just stayed with Kathy and got on with it. It was like déjà vu when she told me about the baby this time, everything got screwed up again. Not able to go for what I really want," he said looking down into his almost empty glass.
"You mean making a go of it with Beck?"
"What no," he said snapping his head up. "What is it with Dani? I told you I never slept with her."
"You don't have to sleep with someone to develop feelings for them. It's obvious something happened, between the two of you."
Elliot poured another drink and topped up Olivia's.
"We were friends and that's all. She was there when it seemed like I had no one else. We kissed once but that was as far as it went. I didn't want anything more with her. She wanted me to ask her to stay on as my Partner but I couldn't."
"Why not? From all accounts you both worked well together."
"Because I already had a partner, I just had to wait for her to come back to me," he said his eyes locked onto hers. "I didn't need anyone else Liv…. I don't want anyone else."
Olivia's heart raced at his words. "Well you have your Partner back now."
"Yeah I do," he said his eyes staying on her.
"I should go, it's getting late," she whispered, breaking eye contact with him. "I didn't mean to stay so long," she told him as she reached the door and twisted the handle to open it.
"I don't love her," she heard as she opened the door stopping her. "Kathy, I mean….. I don't love her, and I don't want to go home." She nodded but didn't turn around. "And your right, I do hate being alone and if I did go home I would be settling for second best…..again. Instead of going after the person I want to be with. She left me once before and I should have told her then how I felt, but I was too much of a coward"
"You…. You should go after the person you want to be with," she said her voice cracking. "Tell Kathy you will be there for the baby but not moving home, you can still be a good father to the baby without moving home, El. Stop settling for second best," she said walking through the door and slamming it closed behind her.
Elliot stood and stared at the closed door not moving for a few minutes.
"Shit!" he said putting his glass down. He quickly pulled on his sneakers and grabbed his wallet and keys before running out after her. Her car was still parked up but she was nowhere in sight. Knowing she wouldn't have had time to call a cab, he took off in the rain that had started, and headed in the direction of her apartment. As he rounded a corner he saw up walking briskly down the almost empty block up ahead of him as the rain got heavier.
"Liv!" he yelled. "Wait up!" He saw her stop and turn towards him.
"El…..What's wrong?" she asked him as he came to a stop in front of her.
"Who do you want to be with?"
"What?"
"Before, you said you would rather be alone than settle with someone you don't want to be with. Who do you want to be with?"
"It doesn't matter," she said going to turn around and walk away.
"Yes it does," he said grabbing her lightly to stop her and turning her to face him. "It really matters Liv."
"Why, why does it matter?" she asked him getting angry. "What difference would it make if I told you? Go home, El, go back to your wife, call Dani do whatever you need to do and I will see you in six weeks after my suspension," she said going to walk away from him.
"I can't do that Liv. The reason I am so confused and torn about going home to Kathy because of the baby, is the same reason why I don't love my wife anymore and why I didn't ask Dani to stay," he shouted after her over the noise of the rain making her stop. "The same reason why I put you before going after Ryan when Gitano cut you, why I fell apart after you left for Oregon and I didn't know where you were or if you were coming back….I have fallen in love with you Liv….I'm in love with my Partner and it scares the hell out of me. That's …That's why I need to know who you want to be with. So I know I haven't screwed everything up even more than it already is," he said stopping just behind her. "I love you Olivia Benson."
"El, what….. What are you….." she sniffed trying to getting her words out, as she took in what he had just confessed, her heart racing in her chest.
"I'm not settling for second best again and I'm going after what I want," he said resting his trembling hands lightly on her waist. "And I want you Liv, and I'm really hoping that Porter was second best to me….. Please turn around."
Olivia didn't move or attempt to turn around, but she didn't pull away from his hands either.
"Olivia I told you that the night I went to see the kids and slept with Kathy was because I couldn't go to the person I wanted to go to. That was you. Everything was so screwed up between us at the time. We were fighting all the time and I knew coming to you and telling you how I felt then, with everything that was happening…. The timing was just wrong. I was waiting for the right time and made a huge mistake by staying with Kathy. I should have just got in my car and come to you."
"And tonight after I get suspended, Kathleen gets arrested and Kathy tells you she is pregnant is the right time?"
"Maybe not," he chuckled. "But I can't hide how I feel any longer. I lost you after Gitano by not telling you then. When Porter came back I could have lost you again."
"I told you Porter means nothing."
"And neither did Dani and I don't love Kathy… I love you Liv. And I'm really hoping you feel the same. Otherwise I have just made another massive fuck up."
She turned around to face him, her hair soaked from the rain. "Porter and every other person I have been with was always second best to you," she said her voice just above a whisper.
"Yeah," he smirked smugly.
"Yeah," she smiled.
"Well that's really good to know," he said reaching up and gently brushing her wet hair from her face. "At last something I haven't screwed up today."
Olivia bit her lip and looked down. "I … Love you Elliot…..but nothing can happen….."
Elliot felt his heart racing in his chest, he suddenly felt sick.
"Liv, you can't…please don't do this, you can't tell me you love me as well then say nothing can happen…."
She reached up and put her fingers to his lips to silence him.
"Nothing can happen until you talk to Kathy," she told him.
"If we are going to do this and take things further, I want it to be done right. We are going to have a lot to manage and go through at work without the added pressure of your ex wife."
Elliot smiled down at her and let out a long breath. "I should have told you months ago. I wanted to at the hospital after Gitano, then in the cribs after the fight with Blaine, but I was so scared you didn't feel the same," he said dropping his head to hers and cupping her cheek.
"I wish you had then I wouldn't have spent all those weeks undercover and leaving you with Dani."
"Being Partnered with Dani just made me realise how much I needed you."
"So you being a complete prick when I first returned."
"I don't know my head was all over the place, I guess I was scared if I let you get close you would leave again."
"I came back because I didn't want to do the job without you, I missed you so much."
"I guess we both really fucked up," he smiled.
"Yeah, I guess we did."
"So what now?"
"You go and talk to Kathy tomorrow morning. Once everything is sorted and she knows you aren't coming home….."
"I'm going to tell her why."
Olivia lifted her head to look at him. "Elliot why, she doesn't need to know that just yet."
Elliot shook his head. "Yes she does. I don't want any more secrets or lies. I will tell her I will be there for the baby but I won't be coming home and I still want the divorce."
"She is going to hate us."
"Liv, she done this. She left and allowed me to finally explore my feelings for you. I couldn't help it or stop it when I fell in love with you, I tried. But I couldn't. Kathy needs to know the truth about why I can't go home and so do the kids."
Olivia nodded.
"Come back to mine," he said. "We can talk a little more and get dried off."
"No, I'm just going to go home," she told him.
"Liv…."
"I can't trust myself to go home with you."
"Oh really," he grinned wiggling his eyebrows.
"Yes really," she laughed. "But I have waited 10 years one more night won't make a difference."
"Can I at least give you ride home, the rain is getting heavier."
"No its fine, the walk home in the rain will be nice."
"Liv its late….."
"And I have my gun. Don't worry I will stick to the busy areas."
Elliot nodded knowing it was no good arguing with her.
"Okay, but call me when you get home."
"I will," she smiled at him and stepping back slightly. "Goodnight," she said turning to walk away.
Elliot reached out and grabbed her wrist spinning her back to face him their chests colliding. "Not so fast Benson," he said before his lips met hers soft and gentle. Olivia moaned into his mouth as his hands ran through her hair and he pulled her to him deepening the kiss. They finally separated gasping for breath.
"Damn it El," she said trying to catch her breath.
"Let me walk you home," he breathed against her. "I'm not ready to be alone tonight just yet."
"Me either," she said kissing him again. "I never want to be alone more second bests."