A/N I'm English so I apologise in advance I don't American-ise things. :) Hope you enjoy it.
Title: Hollow Talk
Main Pairing: Meredith/Derek
Other Pairings (Mention or otherwise): Alex/Izzie Mark/Lexie Callie/Arizona
Rating/Warning: K+ Mention's of death.
Summary: And everything goes back to the beginning. She knows she shouldn't do this, look at photos and watch videos of him so soon after losing him. Even thought it makes her feel better she knows that in the long run it just makes the pain worse. - Meredith isn't coping with the death of her husband, Alex tries to help. Meredith/Derek Alex/Izzie Oneshot
And everything goes back to the beginning
- 'Hollow Talk', Choir of Young Believers
Meredith is sitting cross legged on the floor of her apartment, the TV screen in front of blaring out pictures and sound. A photo album rests on her knee and a glass of wine sits on the floor next to her. It's hardly been drunk and a plate that used to have a piece of lasagna on it lies next to it. The scene on the TV changes; a small boy wanders in to view, he's crawling and she hears a voice of screen say, "How long do you think it's going to be until he can walk?'. She smiles and looks up from the photo album on her lap. Her son smiles down at her from the screen, just 7 months old. Derek speaks again "Do you think it's going to be long?" She stares at the screen – and even though she can't see him she can imagine his face and his smile, creased with laughter.
He's dead now.
She knows she shouldn't do this, look at photos and watch videos of him so soon after losing him. Even thought it makes her feel better she knows that in the long run it just makes the pain worse. Her eyes drift back to the photos in her lap. The one at the top of the page shows Derek standing by the house, a bottle of beer in his hand. The one below has her there instead of him. She's smiling. They're both so happy.
Look at her now.
She's not happy, not anymore. But she knows that in six months or a year it will get better, it did all the other times. All the other times she lost people. She's suddenly reminded of something Derek said – so long ago now. We have survived an unusual number of bad things. So many. Too many. Then, she hadn't thought it could have got much worse after that, after the plane crash. It had though – it had got so much worse.
The scene on the TV changes and Meredith watches Derek reading a newspaper. It could be a normal morning at their house, except he's not real, she's sitting on the floor and it's 10 o'clock at night. She was so happy then; it was his birthday and they went out for morning coffee and she filmed him at breakfast 'just in case' and he told her not to be so silly.
She's snapped out of her stupor by a knock at the door. She closes her eyes and closes the photo album. She places it next to the wine and the plate and slowly stands. She doesn't have a clue who it is – she's had so many people come and tell her how sorry there are. Addison even turned up last week. She's tired of it, of all the people saying sorry, apologisng for something they couldn't have stopped.
She swings the door open and Alex stands there. He's not smiling, nor seems like he's going to start telling her how sorry he is. It's like he knows she's sick of it. "Owen has them tonight." Alex had been looking after Bailey and Zola, but obviously he's handed them over to Owen. She knows it's not fair on them but it's only been a week and she can't cope. Next week, however she feels, she's looking after her children. She's only capable of a nod, and opens the door more to allow Alex in.
It's as he takes his coat off that they hear Derek's voice, spilling out of the living room and into the hall. "Videos," she replies to the question she can see in his eyes. He follows her in to the living room and they stand and stare at the TV for a moment. Meredith watches his gaze as it sweeps the room and finally ends on the photo album on the floor. She moves away and starts pouring him a drink of wine. She doesn't ask if he wants it, but when she hands it to him he takes it without hesitation. After taking a sip or two, Alex moves over to the wine glass on the floor. He picks it up and passes it to her. She manages a smile and takes it.
She goes back to the wine bottle and finds the TV remote hidden behind it. She aims it at the TV and presses the next button half a dozen times. And then she freezes the moment she sees the man's face and hears the words being spoken. "Meredith won't mind." Her sister's voice floods through the apartment and Mark Sloan's face lights up the screen. She feels tears sting her eyes and regards Alex as he watches the scene play out. He smiles and lets out a small laugh when Mark takes the camera and makes a joke as Lexie finally appears in shot. Alex looks back at her and she allows herself a laugh too. The screen turns to black and the next video starts to play. Meredith has no idea what order they're in and is surprised when Alex himself comes into view. The date stamp tells her that it was recorded on the 12/23/05. The camera turns and Alex is gone. George O'Malley stares at them. The camera turns and Izzie enters the room. Meredith can hear her own voice say, many years in the past, "Hey, it's nearly Christmas!"
She presses the next button. On the screen, Alex sits on the sofa, Mark stands near the TV and Lexie's there - too standing behind the camera so they can't see her in shot, but they can hear her. The date stamp has jumped forward a few years. Derek enters from the kitchen and smiles at Mark. "Where's Mer?" he asks. The camera moves to show Arizona standing in the door way. The blonde takes the camera and then they can see Callie – who had obviously been holding the camera. "Look at Alex, he's all alone!" Callie says to her girlfriend. The Alex on the TV turns at the words and cautions Callie.
"Pause it," Now-Alex croaks. Meredith does so and they stand in silence for a second or so but it feels so much longer for the both of them. "We talk about Izzie," He's not looking at her, but at the floor. "In the video. We talk about Izzie." Meredith remembers it clearly - Mark brought it up – as a joke of course. They all had someone; Mark and Lexie, Callie and Arizona, her and Derek. Apart from Alex. He'd left soon after, talking about something he had to do before the next day.
Meredith presses the next button and then play.
That's how they spend their evening. Watching videos that appear in a jumbled order – one minute it's 2015, next it's 2005. George makes a reappearance and Alex and Meredith talk about him, how much they miss him. Izzie too is seen a handful of times more and it's while they're watching a video shot in 2006 in which Izzie makes a starring appearance as 'person badly flipping pancakes' that Meredith asks the question. "Do you still love her?"
"Yes," he answers. "Especially now."
They watch the next video like all the rest, in silence. Of course Derek appears – more times than Alex himself, but Meredith was expecting that – and in the videos, they watch him grow older and they track the development of Zola and Bailey. Sometimes people Meredith had forgotten about make an entrance, like Sadie or Julia. Or people she forgot she filmed in the first place, like April dancing in her kitchen or Cristina shouting at a Christmas tree while drunk.
When Owen turns up in the morning with Zola and Bailey, Meredith lies asleep on the sofa and Alex is asleep on the floor. They left the videos running, neither of them having the heart to turn off the past when the future hurts far too much.
Derek stares down at them all from the TV, words falling from his mouth.
"I love you Mer, I will always. Don't forget that, yeah."
Of course she won't.