I Wanted To Kill Them

by steph45

To Fall or Not To Fall Book One. "You don't know what it's like to look at yourself in the mirror and see someone you're ashamed of. You don't know what it's like to always see the people you love most and be filled with guilt because you nearly killed them out of pure selfishness." Can you truly change? Can you go from being evil to a good, just King? Edmund is about to find out.

1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer:

This story is inspired by the world and characters of C.S. Lewis. I do not own Narnia, though I wish I did.

Song lyrics included belong to the artists.

Preface:

To Fall Or Not To Fall is going to be a four-book series. Each story will focus on a different Pevensie and his or her biggest insecurity or temptation. Two of them will be connected, but other than that, it is not necessary to read the stories in order (if you choose to even read more than one). Only one of them will follow everything that happens in the Narnia books.

This is my second story about The Chronicles of Narnia. If you read it after reading Life in Narnian Court: Secrets, Love, and War, please know that this will be a lot darker. If you enjoy this story, here is a link to my first one: s/9329887/1/Life-in-Narnian-Court-Love-Secrets-and-War

The idea for this story came after I watched The Voyage of the Dawn Treader movie, more specifically the scene in which Edmund is tempted on Deathwater Island and fights with Caspian. I thought about how hard it must have been for him to transition into his life as a King while living with his past and not letting his old faults continue to hurt him. I knew then that I needed to write about Edmund's transition.

Chapter One

Susan pulled open the door to Edmund's room. She tip-toed in, feeling very guilty. She couldn't dislodge the thought that her brother would open the door, see her looking through his belongings, and get mad at her for violating his privacy.

But this had to be done. Susan needed to know.

"Come on, don't be afraid," she encouraged herself. "He can't find out what you're doing."

Heart beating fast, she looked for something. Finally, she found it under a loose floorboard. She took it out slowly, almost reverentially. She stared at it for a second, unable to decide if she was happy about finding the object that held the answer to the questions that tormented her or afraid of what those answers would be.

Silently, she stood up, replaced the floorboard, and exited the room as quietly as she had entered.

Outside, a young man about Susan's age was waiting for her.

"Did you find it?" he asked. She nodded.

"Good. I'm glad."

"Thank you," she said, smiling slightly.

"I have something else for you." He reached into his pocket. "It might help clear things up."

Susan realized what it was and opened her eyes wide. "I... I can't accept this. It's yours, and I have no right to..."

"I insist," he cut her off. "It's the least I can do."

Susan saw in his eyes a desperation. He needed to so this. She nodded.

She wanted to thank him, but the words got stuck in her throat. He put his hand on her shoulder to show her that he understood.

That evening, Susan didn't sleep. She sat at her desk, reading. And crying.

In the morning, when she had cried her last tear, she slipped out of her room. She made her way through a series of corridors and knocked on a large, intricately carved wooden door. A girl wearing a nightdress opened, rubbing her eyes.

"Yes?"

"Lucy, I have something I need to share with you and Peter."

Ten minutes later, Susan was sitting opposite her siblings.

"I snuck into Ed's room..." she began.

Peter immediately interrupted her. "Why did you do that? It's a complete violation of privacy. You shouldn't have done that."

"We need to understand why this happened." Susan said simply.

The little group was silent for a few minutes. Then Lucy said, "Do it. Tell us what you discovered."

And so Susan started reading a stack of papers she had gone through during the night, the ones that had made her so sad. They had a similar effect on her siblings.

She read the following:

Edmund's Journal

Narnian Time April 1, 1000

This is surreal. Just a few hours ago, I was nothing. Now I have been crowned King Edmund the Just. During the entire ceremony, I tried to look prim and majestic, solemn, like Peter, but I couldn't stop from smiling.

After the coronation, there was a ball, and everyone, humans, fauns, centaurs, dwarves, and more, were there. Lucy and Susan both made me dance with them, which I did to please them. It wouldn't do to make Susan angry the day of our coronation.

As the evening drew on, I got tired of the party, so I wandered off into another room. Then, I couldn't help it. I started crying. And I threw my crown at the wall. Since it's such a sturdy piece of metal, it was unharmed. This angered me even more, and I threw it again. And again. I needed to get rid of it. I didn't want it. This crown was staring at me, mocking me, daring me to wear it, when in reality, I don't deserve it. I don't.

I am a traitor. I am scum. I am the lowly sibling who was selfish and wanted to kill for his own personal gain. Then, I realized that the means I was going to use wouldn't lead to the end I wanted. So what did I do? I ran back to those I had betrayed.

Would I have gone back if the Witch had kept pretending to be willing to make me King? I can't answer that question for sure, but my instinct is to say no. The bullying in school had made me vicious, and I couldn't stand being less good than Peter. I am proud, too proud.

But what bugs me is that I will never know. As Aslan says, "You can never know what would have happened." And for that reason, I don't see what claim I have to the throne of Narnia. I am just some bratty kid who was born into the right family. But I'm not like them. I can't accept the crown. But I'm too selfish, too proud, to refuse it. I should have. I should have told Aslan to find someone else to be the fourth ruler.

I heard the door creak open and Susan popped her head it. "Everything alright?" she asked.

I didn't answer.

She saw the crown lying on the floor and picked it up. "You probably want this back," she said simply.

I shook my head. "Take it. Lock it up. Burn it. I don't care. Just don't let me have it."

"Why not?" she asked calmly.

"Because I don't deserve it! You know what I did! You know who I am! You can't possibly believe that I'm fit to be a King!" I was angry at her now, for being so calm, so collected, so rational, while I wanted to break something.

"That's not true," she replied softly.

"And why not?" I yelled. "Look at me. I'm a mess. I'm just some idiot who doesn't deserve to be alive, let alone to be forgiven and a King."

Now she was worried. "No, Ed, that's not true. You shouldn't feel that way."

"Give me a reason why I shouldn't."

"Everyone makes mistakes. That's a fact of life, and if you don't accept that, there's your biggest problem. Some people make small mistakes, ones that maybe even go unnoticed. That doesn't make it any less of an error. It just means that you are the only one who can motivate yourself to make amends. Others make big mistakes that affect themselves or other people greatly."

"That's me," I said sourly.

"True, you are in the second category. But that's not what's important. What's important is which category you are in for how you deal with the mistake. Some people ignore their mistake and will keep making similar ones, which is especially easy to do if you make small mistakes and no one really notices or judges you for it. Others realize what they've done and want to stop. They look for a way to fix their error. This can be especially difficult for those who made a big mistake whose damage may be irreparable. But your character is determined by how hard you try to make up for the error and never do the same thing again. I know you will never turn against us."

"But how do I make up for it?"

"How you do that and when you have succeeded is entirely personal. After all, an error is personal. It's about you. Whatever good act or sacrifice that you think is enough to repay for your sin is enough. It doesn't matter what others think you should do. I personally think that sacrificing yourself in the war is penance enough, but the way you tried to mutilate your crown shows me that you disagree. So go do whatever you have to. Once you are confident that you have done what you must, people will forgive you."

"How can you be sure that they will?"

"People judge, and that's a fact. You will get negative comments from time to time. But if you have forgiven yourself and have put the matter behind you, so will they. You just need to be confident about your good character and they will agree. It is only if you doubt yourself and let on that you are afraid of your past that they could judge you negatively for it."

"Speaking of that, I do have a concern," I said.

"Yes?"

"Aslan said, 'there is no need to speak about what is past.' But I don't think I can ever forget about her and what I did with her."

"That's not what Aslan meant. He meant that we should not try to make you pay or punish you. Probably because he knows you will make amends yourself. But he doesn't expect you to forget. That would defeat the point. You are supposed to learn from mistakes and become a better person as a result. You need to accept your past and be at peace with it, but you should never forget it."

"Thanks… I guess I may be able to forgive myself," I told her. The truth was, I did really think that what she said made sense and I was less angry as a result. "But I am still unsure about becoming a King."

"I have faith in you. So do Peter and Lucy. So does Aslan. I know you have grown and matured in the past few days. You will be a good leader. After all, you are now King Edmund the Just. And you are Just because you know what it is like to sin and repent. In any case, you won't have to do it alone. You have us. We are a family, and we'll always stick together from now on. Never forget that."

"Thank you Susan," I said, and I hugged her, as tears of joy came into my eyes.

"I love you Ed," she answered. She then handed me my crown. "You managed to dent it here." Indeed, there was a small dent, just a bit to the right of center. "It isn't noticeable to anyone standing at a distance, but you will always know it's there. It will be a reminder for you, and when you see it, you will remember not only this conversation but also the lessons you learned from siding with the Witch."

I smiled. "So it is a physical representation of my sin."

She frowned. "I suppose so. But as you can see, it doesn't stop you from being King."

"I see that." The weight on my shoulders had been lifted. I knew it would come back later, but at that moment, I was ready to rejoin the party. "Come on, Su, the party is still going on." We left the room holding hands.

Now I'm in a huge and lavishly decorated room in Cair Paravel. MY room. I am exhausted, so I'm going to get to bed. Oreius said it's important to get a good night's sleep, because tomorrow we'll have a lot of work.

Jack's Diary

April 2, 1000

I just heard from my father about the new Kings and Queens. They came, just as the legend said, to free us from the Witch. Father was at Cair Paravel for the coronation, and he said that they did look royal and majestic. He also said that he heard rumors about King Edmund, that he is a traitor and tried to ally with the Witch to kill his family, but when he failed, he came crying back and they were too kind to refuse him. My mother was stunned when she heard this. She said that a traitor should not run our country. Father, however, disagrees. He says that he doesn't believe the rumors because Aslan wouldn't make a traitor a King. Apparently, not many people agree with him. All the neighbors are angry about this new King, and some say he will be no better than the White Witch.

I don't know what to believe, but I do know that I am intrigued. I want to learn more about this King. I will go to Cair Paravel by horse and see what all the commotion is about. Mother won't like it, so I will have to sneak away… Well, Mother can't control my life. I've always wanted something more than to be a poor farm boy. At Cair Paravel, I will have a chance to make something of my life.

Goodbye, home. Hello, new life.

Edmund's Journal

April 5, 1000

Phew. I learned that being King is not just fun and parties. Today we had to choose the members of the Council. It is apparently a tradition that the monarchs are helped by a group of a dozen men and women, all humans, who come from all parts of Narnia. Well, during the Witch's reign, the humans all moved to the Southern Border, near Archenland, so they could escape if the Witch. So they all arrived, at Cair Paravel this morning, saying they would like to be in Council and since they were going to move, they were willing to live in any section of Narnia we want to put them in. Needless to say, I was overwhelmed. So were the others. It was Susan who solved the problem by asking everyone to answer a few questions on a sheet of paper. She also stated that only one member of a family may apply. This let us sort through a somewhat reasonable amount of applications during the afternoon to find our twelve choices.

I don't really like saying this, but… I feel like the people don't like me. All throughout the day, many tried to plead their case in front of Peter. Then there are some who went to Susan, hoping that the Gentle Queen would favor them in the decision process. Some even went to Lucy. But very few came to me.

I was going to tell Susan, but she would have brushed it away and called me paranoid. And maybe I am. But that doesn't mean that it's not true. After all, everyone has heard that I'm a traitor. Why would they now pledge allegiance to me and respect me?

Oh dear, why did I have to side with the Witch? Okay, I know why. Because I hated Peter and I wanted to be better than him. I didn't like Lucy because Peter and Susan always protected her and yelled at me. And I disliked Susan because she was always cynical and spoke to me harshly when I didn't get along with Peter. But she never told Peter that he was wrong. No, only me.

Anyways, that's all in the past. I do love them, but I guess I didn't realize just how much I need them until I nearly lost them. Until I nearly killed them.

A/N: Thank you for reading this chapter! I hope you liked it, and if you do please review, follow, or favorite.

A few important things to know: Jack is a farm boy who may seem insignificant now but will become important later. The story will be pretty much all diary excerpts, since that is what Susan is reading to her siblings.

Also, for each chapter, I will post a quote from a song (always by a male artist since this is Edmund's voice) that gives a hint about what will happen in the next chapter. In reviews, you can tell me your ideas about what it means as well as your thoughts on what you just read. The Quote Hint for Chapter Two is:

"Sleep now and dream of the ones who came before" - Will Martin, "Into the West"