Hipster Rugrats: What Have You Done?
A hipster teenager's gotta do what a hipster teenager's gotta do. Hang on to your diapies, babies- it's about to get weird. Please read and review!
Chapter 1: Tommy's Story-
Tommy hardly ever woke up to the sound of Stu's screams anymore; he was far too used to it. But tonight was an exception. Stu had been shrieking Howard's name and banging his head against the window for 35 minutes now. Tommy stirred in bed and let out a long sigh. Chuck felt his lover's distress and rolled over in bed to lay a tender, sympathetic hand on his shoulder.
"I think you should go help your dad" said Chuck.
"He's not my dad, anymore," Tommy said bitterly with a bitter tone in his voice. "My dad died in the fire with yours."
"Yeah, well he's bugging the shit out of the rest of us!" shouted Cockblock Phil. "Go shut him the fuck up!"
Tommy let out another heavy sigh and reluctantly got up. Then he sighed heavily and went upstairs to find Stu sobbing violently and flashing his dick to That Arnie Grape Kid through the giant window that Stu had installed because he is an exhibitionist.
"Stu, what the fuck are you doing? He's a child!" Tommy twisted his "father" away from the window and pulled his pants up for him.
"Tommy," said Stu, dead eyed "Do you remember that time that you and your gay boyfriend, Chuck, thought I was a robot and tried to unscrew my nipples?"
Tommy sighed heavily and said, "No, Stu, I don't. Because I was a fucking infant!"
Stu starred down at his son's crotch. "Well, you still look like and infant to me. Take that fucking diaper off; it's fucking creepy."
"Stu, it's who I am." Said Tommy, really pissed off and shit. He violently grabbed Stu by the shoulders and led him to the couch and pushed him down onto it. "Go the fuck to sleep! You're keeping everyone up. Suzie has to do surgery in the morning." He marched back downstairs, eagerly anticipating Chuck's warm embrace and understanding words.
He got into bed and complained to Chuck.
"Yeah, well at least you still have a dad, Tommy."
Tommy sucked in air through his teeth. "Don't do this to me, Chuck," he warned. "You KNOW how that makes me feel. I keep telling you he's not my dad!"
"Yes he is, Tommy. Like it or not he is." Said Chuck in a defiant manner.
Tommy stared at Chuck in the darkness that was dimly lit by the buzzing neon PBR sign. "I don't need this bullshit, Chuck."
"Tommy, all I'm saying is that you still have a fambily." Tommy stared at his lover in the dim light of the buzzing PBR sign and resisted the urge to sock him right in the mouth. "I don't need your BULLSHIT RIGHT NOW, CHUCK!" he quickly got out of bed, took the comforter, and slept on the couch that night. His only comfort was the feel of his diapee on his skin.
Tommy awoke at around 4 PM in the afternoon. He woke up because Spike was barking at him to let him to let him outside. He got up and walked upstairs, passing behind Chuck, who was writing on his Macbook compooper, unnoticed. He stared at the back of Chuck's orange head for what seemed like a long time and smiled. He just couldn't stay mad at his one true love, but he wasn't ready to swallow his pride and apologize just yet. He continued silently up the stairs without making a sound. He got outside and heard Stu yelling at something in Spike's doghouse.
"Tommy!" screamed Stu. Tommy tried to ignore him, but Stu kept screaming. "I need your help! Spike just isn't getting this!"
Tommy walked up to Stu. "What?" he said, confusedly.
"Tommy, I'm trying to teach Spike to hunt, but he must be retarded or something because he isn't getting it at all. Even when I scream in his face."
"Stu! Spike's over in Phil's garden taking a dump."
"Spike! That's my bathroom, Spike!" Stu began to stomp toward his overweight, geriatric dog, but Tommy stepped in his way.
"Tommy," said Stu, "remember that-"
"No, Stu."
"But Tommy!"
"Fuck off, Stu!"
Stu fell to his knees. "Tommy! Come back, Tommy! I just want to talk to you! You're the only thing that I have left!"
Tommy stared at the pitiful creature in the fetal position and felt a pang of guilt and grief.
Thomas Q. Pickles had a flashback to the day of the fire. It was a Monday in June. Dil had asked Tommy if he could go to the movies with him and his friends, but Tommy said no because Dil always screamed through the entire movie. So Dil was forced to go with the adults to the party at Grandpa Lou's Loyal Order of Wombats clubhouse. They were having their annual "Rugrats Parents" dinner. The fire had started when Grandpa was sautéing baked apples in the kitchen with the other wombats, and fell asleep. And so did the other wombats because they were all old. The pan that sautéed the baked apples exploded! The fire spread extremely quickly because the walls of the clubhouse were made of dry crepe paper and were covered in gasoline-based paint. The Wombats were all old and not in possession of all of their faculties when they built the clubhouse. The Wombats were all trapped in the kitchen and everyone else was trapped in the Great Hall, except for Stu- who was outside BBQing and singing scat. Stu sprang into action when he saw the building go up in flames. He rushed in and looked for his wife and son. He could not find Didi, but he did see Dil huddled in a corner crying. "Dil!" screamed Stu, "Stay right there! I'm coming for you!" His son looked up and saw his father valiantly coming to the rescue. A burning beam fell between them and Stu lost sight of his child and could also not hear him, anymore either. He searched and searched for a way to get past the beam, but he began to feel tired and soon passed out.
Tommy and his friends were blissfully unaware of the catastrophe as they watched the latest Reptar movie- "Reptar Goes to College." After the movies, Tommy checked his cellphone and saw that there was a number that he did not recognize. There was also a voicemail. The voicemail was from the hopsicle. It said that Stu was admitted for smoke inhalation and that they needed to come right away. When they arrived, there was a police guy there that told them the horrible news.
Boris and Minka came to pick them all up in a cart that was drawn by a mule- just like in the Old Country- so they could stay with them while Stu was in the hopsicle. But all the kids broke out of the house and went to Tommy's house because there was nothing to do at Boris and Minka's. also, whenever they tried to do anything fun, Boris would grab them and hang them up on the coat rack by their belt loops.
For about a year after The Fire, Stu held up remarkably well he became the legal guardian of Chuckie, Phil, Lil, Angelica, Suzie, and Kimi. He comforted them when they were sad (which was always), he sent them to grief counseling, he took a couple of extra jobs so he could pay for their upkeep. He cooked, he cleaned, and he turned the basement from his inventing area into a hangout/bedroom/communal bathroom for them all. He rarely showed his own grief. Tommy had admired his father's strength and courage. Until one morning when Tommy woke up to some strange noises. He went to investigate and found his father on the roof, completely nakie, howling like a wolf and saying to himself: "My name's Stuie" and "I'm not Stu!" From that day on, Stu kept going in a downward spiral, slipping further and further into inanity and despair. At first Tommy felt badly for his father and tried hard to get him help, but he grew more and more frustrated with Stu's irrational, erratic behavior and racist remarks until he could tolerate it no longer.