How Rocket Met Groot
Unlikely partnerships can start in unlikely places.
Rocket hefted the gun into the holster on his back. He sighed. This planet was obviously not built for ... short creatures.
He had not been to this bar for a while. The last time had ended in, shall we say, a certain level of disruption. Not his fault. Honestly, not his fault. Even the owner of the place had accepted that. Eventually.
Anyway, this was the only lead he had for the job. So he went in. At least the bar had the type of seats that could be raised. It was kind of embarrassing when he couldn't see the top of the counter.
"Hey, if it isn't my favourite little package of destruction!" said the bartender/owner, Uncle Sally. No really, that was his name. "Haven't seen you in a coon's age! Haha, get it?"
"Uh, no," said Rocket. He looked around. "You've remodelled the place, eh?"
"Had to," said Uncle Sally. "Since your last visit."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," said Rocket. He pulled out a padd and scrolled to a particular picture. He showed it to Uncle Sally. "I understand this guy comes in here," he said. "B.S. O'Malley."
Uncle Sally looked at the image. "Yeah, I heard he had some sort of job on yesterday, and after he does that he usually comes in here," he said. "Due any time."
Rocket nodded. "Yeah, that's what I heard too," he said. "Well, I may as well have a beer while I wait." He glanced around the half-full bar. "Hey, what happened to that waitress, the one with the big – "
"Left when we doubled our drinks list," said Uncle Sally. "Couldn't take the pressure."
"Doubled, eh?" said Rocket. "So how many choices do you have now?"
"Two. Beer. And ... a different beer."
"Then ... I'll have a beer." He gestured towards the ... thing ... who was collecting empty glasses from tables. It appeared to be some sort of ... tree. That moved. Big critter. It was wearing a greasy apron.
Uncle Sally gestured for it to come over.
"Nice outfit," said Rocket to it.
"I am Groot," said the creature, Groot. He put down the tray of glasses he was holding.
"Huh," said Rocket.
"That's all he – I think he's a he – says," said Uncle Sally. "Just walked in one day and started clearing tables. Lives in the back room, sort of, all he needs is a bucket of water every now and then."
Rocket finished his beer and put the glass down. Groot picked it up.
"Beats paying someone," said Uncle Sally.
Rocket and Groot both looked at him.
"I am Groot," said Groot.
Rocket nodded. "Yeah, I know, but what can you do, eh?" said Rocket to him.
There was a commotion at the door. A bunch of guys came in, loudly. Big guys. B.S. O'Malley in the middle, wearing some sort of oh-so-pretentious overcoat.
"Damn," muttered Rocket. "I was hoping he'd be on his own."
"Hey, O'Malley!" called out Uncle Sally. "This bounty hunter here has been waiting for you!"
"Not really necessary," said Rocket.
"Don't forget that you busted up my place last time," said Uncle Sally. "And you still haven't paid your tab."
O'Malley and his boys lurched over to them. O'Malley looked at Groot.
"What the hell are you?" said O'Malley.
"I am Groot," said Groot.
"Yeah?" said O'Malley. "Well, stay out of my way, or you'll be woodchips." He turned to Rocket, and said: "Bounty hunter? Really? Aren't you a little short to be a bounty hunter?"
Groot was staring at O'Malley. He shook his wooden head. "I am Groot," he muttered.
"Yep, a major one," said Rocket in agreement. "Well, B.S., let's get this show on the road." In a moment, he had pulled his multi-barrelled gun from the holster, extended it into a truly fearsome-looking piece of ordinance, and pointed it at O'Malley.
Immediately, O'Malley's boys had their guns out and pointed at Rocket.
"Let me see, that's three pointed at you and one pointed at me," said O'Malley. "You lose, rodent."
"It's Rocket," said Rocket. "And I never lose. Let me tell you how this might play out. First option: I kill you, they kill me. Second option: I kill you, they run away. Third option: I kill you, they cheer and buy me drinks. You see the common thread here?"
O'Malley grunted. "Or we could simply kill you first," he said. "Did you think of that?"
"Er, no," said Rocket. Slowly, he raised his gun, until it was pointed straight up. O'Malley's boys relaxed, their gun's drifting away from Rocket.
Rocket closed his eyes. And then pulled the trigger, for the barrel of the gun that held the shock cartridges. The cartridge shot up to the ceiling and exploded in a flash of white light.
O'Malley had realised what was going to happen and had covered his eyes with his coat. But the goons, taken by surprise, were temporarily blinded. One of them hefted his machine gun and fired at where Rocket had been. But by now Rocket was on the other side of the bar, next to Uncle Sally, on the floor.
The bullets whacked into Groot. One of them smashed into the empty beer glass he was still holding.
Groot, unfazed by the bullets, gave a grunt. He looked at the handle of the broken glass, still in his hand. Then he reached out and grabbed the goon by the throat. He lifted him up ... and then threw him down. Then, for good measure, he did the same with the other two.
"Hey, peckerhead!" shouted O'Malley to Groot, as Rocket climbed onto the bar. "Don't you know how hard it is to find decent help?"
"I am Groot," said Groot.
"Yeah? Well, I'm B.S.! And here's what it stands for!"
He pulled something out from the back of his coat. It was a portable buzz-saw. He started it up, and it gave a savage snarl.
"I don't get it," said Rocket. "I thought it stood for Bull – "
"And you call yourself a bounty hunter," said Uncle Sally.
Groot stared at the saw, as if some weird race-memory was stirring in what he had for a brain. He began to back away, into a corner. O'Malley gave a vicious laugh and began to advance on him, swinging his weapon.
Rocket ran along the bar-top, towards O'Malley.
"Hey, asshole," he said to him.
O'Malley turned towards him, and started to say: "Wait your turn, rodent, I'll get to you – "
And then Rocket hit him. On the face. With the tray Groot had been carrying. It made a klong!
O'Malley swayed, swayed ... and then went down.
Groot looked at Rocket, still holding the now severely-dented tray. "I am Groot," said Groot.
"Yeah, I know I could have, but this seemed much more ... poetic," said Rocket. He turned to Uncle Sally. "Guess I owe you one," he said.
He hefted his gun. He swivelled, firing a long burst around the bar. The remaining customers dived for cover. Various things fell off the walls and broke.
He surveyed his handiwork. Not bad, as minor destruction goes. Not great, but not bad.
Behind him, O'Malley was struggling to get to his feet. He might have even pulled his gun out, except that a large wooden fist crashed down on the top of his skull. He went down again.
Rocket looked at Groot, who gave a tree-type shrug.
Rocket re-holstered his rifle. "Well, my work here is done," he said. "Now to get this moron back to the ship and then to the nearest Xandar police station so I can collect the bounty on him." He took hold of O'Malley's leg and started to pull.
Nothing. Not an inch.
He tried again. Zip.
He looked at Groot. "Little help here?" he said.
"I am Groot," said Groot.
"I don't play well with others," said Rocket.
Groot said nothing.
"If you're thinking a fifty-fifty split, forget it," said Rocket. "But I might go, oh, eighty-twenty."
Groot looked down at O'Malley. Massive, heavy, comatose O'Malley. Rocket looked at him too.
"Okay, seventy-thirty," said Rocket.
Groot picked up O'Malley's unconscious leg. It was a very big leg. He let it fall back to the floor.
"Okay, okay, sixty-forty, but that's my final offer, and you do all the heavy lifting," said Rocket.
Groot took off the apron he was still wearing and hung it carefully over the back of a chair. Then he picked up O'Malley and slung him over his shoulder.
"I am Groot," said Groot.
"Yeah, yeah, and you're cutting my throat," muttered Rocket.
Uncle Sally was standing in the middle of his half-wrecked bar, looking around. "And who is going to pay for this?" he said.
Rocket reached into O'Malley's pocket and pulled out his wallet. He threw it to Uncle Sally. "Try this," he said.
Uncle Sally opened it. It was full of bills. Large bills. Lot of them. Lot of large bills.
"Yeah, this should do it," said Uncle Sally. "And even cover your tab. And then some."
"Damn," said Rocket.
"You're welcome here any time," Uncle Sally called after Rocket and Groot as they left.
They headed towards Rocket's little ship. "I guess you could come in useful," said Rocket. "To, you know, reach things on high shelves. Stuff like that. Don't start thinking of us as partners, though. Or a team. Or as friends."
Groot said nothing.
"But I guess we could ... hang out," said Rocket. "A bit."
Groot nodded. After a long while, he said: "I am Groot."
"Yeah," said Rocket. "Maybe it will."
END