Ownership: * I don't own Glee, but this story I do.
Rating and Warning: ** M and TRIGGER WARNING. This piece is quite dark and there is a little swearing.
~ Temporary A-Lister ~
"More coffee?"
I look up and can't help from gushing out, "You're Finn Hudson!"
He starts pouring hot black liquid into my cup, before I've even answered. "Yes I am, I'm Finn Hudson. Would you like milk and sugar with that?"
Hand to my heart, "Are you serious? How come you're serving me?" I look around the room, "How did I get here? Where am I?"
My mind is swimming with my eyes looking around so quickly, seeing all the celebrities that I know should be here, but they're all too good to have me here with them.
"Is that Patch Adams?" I point over at the table two down, Finn answers, "Yeah, that's him. He came here about a week ago now."
"And that's the girl from the fourteenth floor building!"
"Yeah, it's better that you choose a name for those you don't really know, much rather than where you know them from."
"What do you mean?"
He checks around for any boss of his, or someone he doesn't want to see him with me. It must be okay because he sits down with me.
"Oh my God, Finn Hudson is sitting with me." I feel like a total idiot, but Holy Hell, Finn Hudson is sitting at my coffee table.
He puts the coffee pot down, and I so do not want coffee, like ever again. Looking around again, we both observe Patch Adams being served by Groucho Marx.
"You don't remember how you got here do you?" he asks oh so quietly.
"No, I have no idea." I answer back, just as quietly.
"What is the last thing you remember?"
I have to really think hard, squeezing my eyes closed, like that might help. Hit my forehead with my palm, nothing is coming to mind. I look at him and shrug, "I have no real idea. Something about the coffee makes me sick though."
"Yeah, I thought it might. But I have to ask the questions I'm prompted to by the Boss, and give the new arrivals what the Boss says to."
"The Boss, who's that?"
"You'll meet him soon enough."
"I used to love coffee, why don't I now."
"Are you sure of that? I'm pretty sure that every item I'm asked to serve and ask about, has something to do with why you and the others are here."
I think of the drinks I like and those that I don't. "Oh, well there is this one coffee that I can't have."
"Why's that?"
"It makes me really depressed, like really upset. It totally screws with my mind."
And then a memory flash blinds me, the darkest blend of coffee, Noir. I remember when I first had it, and about twenty minutes later I felt a hot surge wave of regret, deep sadness, wanting to not exist, wash over me. I don't search for a better solution to end this life, I just want it over, I want a newer one, a fairer one.
The memory must show in my face, Finn takes my hand. "It's going to be alright." He kisses the back of my hand so tenderly. "You're going to be alright."
I look up at him, in to those beautiful eyes of his. "You shouldn't be doing that. It will hurt Rachel, and I, I have a boyfriend."
He holds my hands tightly in his, "You had a boyfriend. And comforting you won't upset Rachel. Besides, Rachel is back on Earth. So she's free to be herself and I'm free being myself."
Patch has the celebrities around him laughing, they create a lovely distraction from my situation. But Finn still has my hands held tight, I try to pull them back, but that brings him back to look at me.
"Please let my hands go?" I ask, and he does just that.
I look around, searching for my boyfriend. "He isn't here." Finn says.
"Who?" says I.
"You're boyfriend, you're looking for him, aren't you?"
"Yes, but how did you know?"
"I know because the Boss told me to try and distract you from him. There must be a reason for him saying that."
"Are you supposed to be giving me such details?" I wouldn't want him in trouble.
"Oh, I've been here long enough to know what I'm allowed to do. That's fine, I just can't divulge certain other information, like how you got here."
Which makes me remember, I have no idea where I am and how the hell I got here.
I stand up and walk to the big window, it's dark outside, there seems to be a galaxy of stars up above and below the window. "Where has the ground gone?" I ask as I turn around to Finn.
"What someone took the ground?" Patch comes and stands alongside me. "Where will we be buried then?"
I look at Patch with my eyes questioning and brows furrowed. "I can't believe I'm standing here with you."
He looks to me, "I can't believe I'm standing here with you either."
"You know me then."
"Know you, of course I know you, we all know one another, don't we?" He looks around the room to ask the same question to the others, Finn nods to him.
Oh Patch Adams is just so cute. I touch his arm, checking that he's the real deal. "Yes, I'm real, and if you squeeze hard enough I can still feel it."
We both look out the dark window. Suddenly it dawns on me and I turn to Finn.
"This is the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, isn't it?"
Marcel Marceau waddles over and claps his hands in my face. I swat him away playfully.
"I thought this was all make believe, and you are all the celebrities that I've been watching on the television, reading in books and listening on the music machines."
Finn comes over and offers his arms for us to dance. I agree and fall in.
We start to waltz, and he starts to sing.
"How am I supposed to breathe with no air? ….. "
Suddenly I realize how icy cold I am, and I haven't taken a breath in or pushed one out. This doesn't make any sense and I just want to cry.
Finn sees my distress and we stop dancing. He very gently, carefully wipes the tears that were sitting on my cheek.
"Your fingers are so warm." Still feeling the dill, with stating the obvious to him.
"Yeah, when you've been here long enough, …." God his voice is still the same that I've ever heard him on the telly and computer screen. "You'll start to warm up to how you used to be."
I blush as a sudden request hits my mind. He must've noticed 'cause he steps back and says, "What?"
"I was just wondering, you know, how people ask for your autograph?"
"Yeah, I used to get that a lot." He looks down coyly. And I think again, how darn cute he is when he looks like that.
"Well, I was wondering if I could just stand on tippee toes and kiss your cheek. If you wouldn't mind, could I please do that?"
He feigns surprise and fills a cheek up with air, bends down for me to reach. Inside I feel a thousand butterflies release, also wishing he were Blaine, or Kurt, I reach up and kiss his offered cheek.
He expels the air like a crazy balloon and I laugh at his silliness.
Then I instantly wish he weren't Blaine or Kurt or anyone else that I know hasn't gone on before me.
He offers his arm to me for a walk, I accept. "I shall take you to your next port of call for this trip."
I hold his arm firmly, look at my hands that have dancing gloves on. The gloves are long white ones, they match the sections of my red dress. I walk in the loveliest white bold shoes, enjoying the clip clop sounds they make.
I feel so good, like a princess should. As we walk through the crowd, some turn and bow, some nod agreement, acceptance.
I can't hear their thoughts, but I can feel them, feel the good messages that they're conveying.
I catch a glimpse of myself in a shiny glass door's reflection. I look regal, beautiful, not like I remember I used to look like on Earth. I look like I feel inside, I appear the confident strong woman of my home.
Stopping to see my back, Finn twirls me around. "I look like someone so different."
"You look how you really are."
"But this isn't the me from down there." Already accepting I'm in Heaven and not on Earth, Heaven is above and Earth below.
"Yes it is. Yes you are."
"But if that's the case, why am I knowing you as Finn, him as Patch, and why is Groucho Marx serving drinks?" I stumble back, he catches me and escorts me to a waiting chair.
"Your transition is yours alone. You are what the Boss has destined you are."
"And you?"
"I am what you want of me, I am what I can give to you. We are all, what we can be for one another."
"But I was really a nobody, an unknown fan." My throat is searching for that mouth full of coffee drink, right now would be good.
"And I have too much living to do, to be up here just yet." I pull at my neck, wanting to remove any collar or device that has transported me here.
There's nothing on my neck, searching my wrists and ankles, there's nothing there either. I check behind my neck, at my spine, may be I'm in a sci fi nightmare, there's nothing but my own skin.
And yet still I don't breathe in and I don't breathe out. The air is comfortably warm, we're now walking down a heavily carpeted hallway, cream walls with occasional flame lamps to guide our way.
We turn a corner, the next corridor goes on and on and on for so long. I stop and look at it's length, Finn guides me to walk further.
"No, I don't want to go down there, I want to go back."
He guides me forward, I try yanking my arm from him, he stands so much taller than before. He blends in to that arsehole Karofsky.
Now I know I'm in hell, my breathing resumes and I bite my bottom lip and lift my leg to kick at him.
He grabs my leg and just holds it.
We lock eyes. Anger from me and annoyance from him. His stupid red beret tilted on his head.
"I hate you so much." I spit at him.
"Fun, I hate you too."
"But you don't know me." I say bewildered that he of all people would dislike me, and he of all people has turned into Sebastian. Sebastian my hero!
"I know enough about you. And if I had my way, I would not be escorting you right now."
I pull my leg from his grip, I point my foot and kick his shin, then I stomp on his other foot.
He lets go of me, and grabs his shin. "Ow! What did you do that for?"
My heart is pounding, my head is swishing side to side, my ankles are messed in material that threatens to hold them still.
My ears regain sense of my dvd player, and I calm down as my real world reappears.
Tears stinging my cheeks, my pillow is sufficiently wet to know I've been crying in my sleep again and my throat is sore from calling out.
I sit up, pull my knees up and turn over in to a comforting foetal position. Thumb in my mouth, finger tapping the side of my nose.
I sob away the bad thoughts, reach over and press repeat for Blaine to sing Cough Syrup.
As Karofsky's father calls for help, I can hear the rooster calling outside, wanting to see relief I strain my eyes around the player and see the sun grabbing at the edges of the curtains.
Truth of the matter is, some things, like dark coffee, induce unhealthy thoughts. Just like some medications have hallucinogenic properties.
The screwing of thoughts can drive a person to not be themselves, and when that happens …
Extra Author Notes, from a Kute Little Author: Kind of sorry if this was too dark for you. Sadness overwhelmed from Robbin Williams' death and still trying to come to grips with the death of Cory Monteith and others that I've known in my real world. A small piece of my reality, bites hard. Dark coffee does that to me, takes my mind to a very horrible place. I avoid that strength of coffee, just like I avoid risk taking behaviours. But I hadn't been made aware of my drink, and an hour later, I was somewhere I didn't want to be, …. But I'm still here, so good things are what I want to share, and I'm still here, so yay!