Summary: AU; Light isn't Kira. "As he lay in bed, listening to his silence, Light contemplated the one thing his new situation couldn't take away from him. One thing that it had, in fact, given back." Light tells L about his stars and constellations, and L contemplates what this hidden side of his suspect means for the case.
The constant tap-tap-tap of fingers against keys was Light's new definition of silence. He wasn't even sure he knew what real silence was anymore. He'd known silence in its' whole and overwhelming emptiness back in the cell, for sure, but here? Tethered to the greatest detective in the world twenty-four hours a day, Light didn't know anything else anymore. He had long-since accepted that this was his new normal.
That didn't mean he didn't miss the old normal, though.
The light of multiple monitors was his new sun. The air conditioning was his breeze. The ping of a newly-arrived email was his birdsong, and the shower was as close as he came to rain.
As he lay in bed, listening to his silence, Light contemplated the one thing his new situation couldn't take away from him. One thing that it had, in fact, given back.
The stars.
Light's eyes stared out the window and traced patterns in the sky, mind designing constellations and heart creating stories. There was the great mage, Sayu, with her cloak of silk and staff of oak. Legend says that long ago, her brother was stolen away by an elf, forced into slavery and hidden from the world. After hearing about her brother's capture, Sayu dedicated years to training so that she could search the stars for her brother, and someday bring him home.
Light stared at his constellation and thought about his real sister. The girl who was just a girl and not a mage, who wasn't searching the stars for him because she didn't even know he was missing. Light thought about his sister and then the stars were blurring in his vision. Light rubbed his eyes and grimaced. Stars didn't cry and neither would he. He would be strong like his stars, and persevere onwards, with all the force of a supernova.
He would. He would… So why were the tears still coming?
Light hiccupped softly and hid his face in his pillow, blocking out his stars.
He wasn't that strong.
-o0o-
L was aware that Light was quietly becoming distressed. He gradually slowed in his typing, opting to pay more attention to his suspect who had been far too docile of late. The early days following his release from confinement saw Light with an almost angry, over-eager energy. He was desperate to prove himself useful, and desperate to prove himself innocent.
He hadn't taken too kindly to L's habits, however, and quickly became irritable as the detective's erratic sleep schedule threw the already overwhelmed boy further off-kilter. The first few nights, Light fell asleep on the couch after losing his right to a bed when he lost his verbal battle with L. It was, inevitably, Watari and Soichiro, who forced L to take the boy to bed at night.
So L did, and Light only tried once to get him to put the laptop away.
After that, he didn't try again. He didn't try anything again, following and doing and existing silently in whatever way L demanded of him in any given moment. L had thought that Light would fight back more; it would be in keeping with the boy's personality. But Light wasn't fighting back. He wasn't doing anything. This post-confinement Light was docile and timid and meek. Hurt and overwhelmed and afraid.
And it wasn't a trick, L knew that much. The dullness and the pain in those eyes was too real.
It was disturbing.
Both because it was happening, and because L didn't know what to do to fix it.
Light hiccupped softly and buried his face in his pillow, apparently giving up on whatever internal battle he was fighting. L flinched and his typing ceased abruptly because oh god Light's crying.
L watched the boy for a moment, concern and apathy warring with each other. He was, however, reluctantly human, and concern won the fight. L gently closed the laptop and put it on the nightstand.
"Light-kun?"
-o0o-
Silence followed L's soft query. Real silence.
Save for Light's quiet cries which he desperately tried to force down.
"Light-kun, what's wrong?"
Light shook his head weakly, embarrassed and horrified by his actions. He was eighteen, for crying out loud! So, why was he behaving like a lost little kid? Another sob wrenched itself from his lips as the helplessness built up in his heart and stomach, a churning mass of negativity, tearing him apart and boiling him from the inside out.
"Light-kun, if you don't tell me what's wrong, I can't help you."
'You couldn't help me even if I told you. And since when do you care about my wellbeing? You admitted to wanting me to be Kira just two days ago!'
Light sniffed and hugged his pillow closer.
"Nothing's wrong. I'm fine." He mumbled.
-o0o-
"Nothing's wrong. I'm fine." The words, though quiet, were thickly spoken. The voice was strained, as if it pained its owner to speak. For barely a moment, L considered leaving the conversation there, and letting Light have his mild tantrum in peace.
But that would be needlessly cruel, he thought. And maybe, if he pushed hard enough, he'd find out why Light had been behaving so un-Light-like as of late. Maybe it would give him the proof he needed to convict the boy, even.
So, he tried again.
-o0o-
"You're crying, Light-kun. Please tell me what's distressing you so much that this would be the result."
Light closed his eyes tighter and tried, unsuccessfully, to block out the voice. Slow and monotone, hiding the dangerous strength of the man behind it. If L were a star, he would be a blue hypergiant. Amongst the biggest, brightest and rarest in all the known universe. Light felt infinitesimal in comparison, like a red dwarf star. Small and dim and oh-so common. Light tried to imagine a star worthy of L, tried to create a story to accurately represent all that he was, and all that Light wasn't.
"Light-kun?"
'Stars, in your multitudes,'
"I was thinking about the stars."
'Scarce to be counted,'
Light could imagine L frowning in the darkness, a thumb against his lips. "I don't understand. Why would the stars make you upset?"
'Filling the darkness,'
"They don't make me upset."
'With order and light,'
"Then what-?"
'You are the sentinels,'
Light opened his eyes to the Sayu constellation, and imagined her speaking to him. 'Be strong,' she would say. 'Be brave.' Light thought of the blue hypergiant that L definitely was, next to the red dwarf that he definitely was, watching him silently, waiting for answers.
'Silent and sure,'
Light cut L off, halting whatever the detective was going to say, and began to tell him about Sayu. Both the real Sayu, and the constellation.
'Keeping watch in the night,'
He spoke quietly and softly, and at some unknown point, the tears stopped, and the stars became clear. He talked about the blue hypergiant and the red dwarf, and how the red dwarf tried so hard to be big and strong and bright like the blue hypergiant, but always felt insignificant.
'Keeping watch in the night,'
Throughout it all, L remained silent, and Light almost forgot he was there.
'You know your place in the sky,'
So, Light designed more constellations. He spoke passionately about the three old knights who dedicated their lives to protecting the stars, and about the young knight, who, while clumsy and generally in the way, had a good heart and tried his best to help.
'You hold your course and your aim,'
Then he spoke about the red hypergiant. The evil menace that brought danger and death to the universe. The star called Kira. In his story of stars, the blue hypergiant and the red hypergiant fought each other viciously. Red attempting to control the stars for his own nefarious desire, and blue trying to protect the stars from such an unfortunate fate.
'And each in your season returns and returns'
The red dwarf was stuck in the middle of the fight, desperate to be useful, but so unsure of his place. He felt so small, overwhelmed and alone, trying to be strong and brave in the face of such raw power. His little fire couldn't shine upon anything, especially not with the brightness of the blue and red hypergiants so close by.
'And is always the same,'
The red dwarf, despite his fear of the red hypergiant, and desire to help catch him, found himself under the scrutiny of the blue hypergiant. The red dwarf blamed the red hypergiant for his fear and misery, and every day, his hatred for the red hypergiant grew.
'And if you fall like Lucifer fell,'
The little star fought desperately and valiantly, but he felt like his light was slowly dimming further, being sucked out and drawn away by the ever-expanding darkness surrounding him. He felt heavy and slow and cold, and wished fervently for someone to notice, but too afraid to call out for help.
'You fall in flame.'
Light was lost in his emotions, his story and his stars. Pouring his soul out to L late one night wasn't something he ever thought he'd do, but in his half-asleep and mildly depressed state, he didn't have the energy to care enough to stop himself. At some point during his story, he had ceased being Light Yagami the human, and became the nameless red dwarf star, a tiny spec of light against the backdrop of the all-consuming fire of the hypergiants.
His soft, yet strong voice eventually gave way to a slow and breathy one. As his imagination ran dry and his energy waned, Light fell asleep, and dreamed of his stars.
-o0o-
When Light finally fell asleep, L thought he might cry. This was a feeling he hadn't experienced in years, and he was quite unprepared to deal with it. He wasn't prepared for anything that had just happened, anything he had just heard and seen. L sat up, when his knees drawn tightly to his chest and stared at his suspect in sadness-curiosity-horror-apathy-what.
What, indeed.
What had happened to the strong, fierce, narcissistic and proud teenager he had met all those months ago?
What had caused that boy to decline so far?
What had caused this?
Of course, L knew the answers to these questions, and despite how desperate he was to deny it all, to pretend it wasn't real, to lie, he knew he couldn't do it. Not to himself, and definitely not to Light.
"If you were a star, you'd be a blue hypergiant."
'And so it must be, for so it is written, on the doorways of paradise,'
Throughout Light's soliloquy, the boy had displayed an impressive and intense, yet previously unknown, knowledge of astronomy. L pondered when such a hobby could have developed as he gazed at the sleeping teen. Stargazing was a calm pastime, something soft and tranquil, and very otherworldly. The imagination necessary to look at stars and see pictures and hear stories wasn't the sort of thing L had expected of Light… And not the sort of thing he expected of Kira.
The experience of having everything he thought he knew about someone crash and burn around his ankles wasn't one that L particularly enjoyed. Still, though, the fact remained. It appeared that he (and perhaps everyone else, too, he thought) didn't know Light Yagami as well as he thought he did. L had been so intent on seeing characteristics of Kira in Light, so determined to prove his theory, that he supposed he may have unintentionally gotten a little bit biased.
That was a horrifying thought.
L was the top three detectives in the world. He didn't do biased.
'Those who falter and those who fall,'
L stopped his swirling thoughts with a deep breath, and tried to concentrate. He now had a lot of new information about his suspect, and he needed to decide what to do with it.
First question: Does he still suspect Light of being Kira?
Answer: … Not… Entirely?
Well, that's no good at all.
L huffed quietly and resisted the urge to tug at his hair. He had long since grown out of such useless, stress-induced actions. Instead, he closed his eyes and flopped against his pillows, groaning quietly into the soft fabric. Next to him, Light shifted in his sleep.
L needed to do something. He couldn't stand to be bombarded with so much stuff from the boy and then do nothing with it all. He contemplated many things, some related to his present situation, and some not, before deciding on a course of action. Without opening his eyes or removing the arm hiding them from the world, L grabbed blindly at his nightstand with his free hand and searched for his phone.
He sat up slowly with his fingers closed around the device, and winced when the bright light from it assaulted him. He considered how to go about phrasing his request as he searched his contacts for Watari's number.
'Must pay the price.'
He settled for getting straight to the point as he prepared to text the older man.
L: Are you able to acquire a decent quality telescope by tomorrow night?
Watari: That should be possible. Any particular reason?
L: Light-kun and I had a rather interesting discussion, and I think taking some time off to do something he enjoys would be beneficial for him.
L wasn't sure discussion was really the correct word for it, but he wasn't about to try put into words what had actually happened. He could envision Watari's smile in his mind as the next text came through.
Watari: How very kind of you. In that case, I'll have something available by tomorrow afternoon at the latest.
L: Thank you.
Now that he felt like he'd accomplished something, L put the phone back on the nightstand and lay down again. A wave of exhaustion and I-don't-understand-emotions-what overwhelmed him, and he let his eyes flutter closed as he once more delved into analysing and reanalysing the case and his thoughts on it. He considered and reconsidered and re-reconsidered and felt his thoughts run circles in his mind. He sighed.
'Lord, let me find him, that I may see him safe behind bars.'
He hummed very quietly to himself, trying to put his thoughts at ease while not waking Light. Tomorrow, he thought, the two of them would take the day off. Maybe he'd uncuff them for once and they would find somewhere to play tennis. Maybe they'd go to the park and eat ice cream and throw bread at ducks. That was something people did to relax, right? L and relaxing weren't very well acquainted. But although he lived to work, he was more than willing to set aside said work for just one day, if it would make the boy next to him happier. L's mind drifted back to when Light talked about his sister. Maybe… Maybe they'd go visited her, and Light's mother.
That option wasn't so appealing, but if it was what Light wanted…
So, tomorrow, they'd take the day off, and tomorrow night, he'd take Light to the roof and present him with the telescope. Maybe he could get Light to tell him more stories about the stars. Maybe they'd make some stories together. L didn't mind, he'd do whatever was needed of him to make sure Light knew for sure that he wasn't alone, that L did care, and that he was bigger and better, stronger and braver, and much, much brighter than some red dwarf star.
The investigation could wait until the following day, and then L would focus on Kira with renewed vigour.
Kira…
'I will never rest. To this, this I swear.'
Together with Light, L would catch Kira.
They would win.
'This I swear by the stars.'
A/N – I didn't mean for this to turn into a songfic, but also I had no plan when I started writing it (as is my norm XP). I usually don't like songfics, both reading and writing them, but considering the subject matter, maybe I should have seen this coming. Maybe I'll tack on another chapter of the aforementioned day off and subsequent stargazing session, but probably not. Tell me if you want it (and what you thought of this chapter), and if you see any spelling/grammar errors, please let me know. Ta.