Author's Foreword
Inspired by this prompt from otpprompts on tumblr:
So I've seen people who talk to their phones (use Siri/etc.) where their phones misinterpret what they're saying or pick up a normal conversation & try to search for something or call someone. Now picture a hate/love OTP (or one where the people involved are convinced they hate the other or the other hates them/etc.) Person A is in danger- could be drastic: they're being attacked in an alley, to something plain embarrassing: they're stuck in a tunnel slide at a kid playground (despite being a full grown adult). They tell their phone to call Person C, a good friend, to ask them for help. The phone mistaken calls the hated/etc. Person B due to the distress in A's voice, and A fails to notice, begging for help and giving a location. Person B shows up. Do they save A? Did they just come to gloat? If they save A, does that spark a positive shift in their relationship? Does person C ship it, and/or makes it an OT3?
I've had the idea for this ridiculous story swimming around in my head for almost a year. It's had a run of bad luck, with at least two earlier drafts being partially lost due to technology mishaps, but I finally decided it was time to rescue the poor thing from unfinished hell and did it as a very easy opening challenge for my NaNoWriMo this month. Aside from Haruka and Seiya's miracle hatemance, I originally planned for Haruka/Michiru to be the only pairing in this fic, but as I was writing it, it sort of became evident I was also adding in a healthy side serving of Seiya/Yaten. Heh. Guess I've decided I like them as a couple.
The Temptation of Mice
The trouble had all started with Luna's mouse. Luna may have been a Mau, a member of an ancient, distinguished and advanced alien race, but it couldn't be denied that she was also a cat. And cats have a well-established and scientifically proven track record of not being able to resist the temptation of mice.
And so it proved to be even for Luna, perhaps the smartest and most sentient cat who ever lived.
Unfortunately for Luna, but fortunately for the mouse, she captured this particular quarry when she happened to be visiting the Outer Senshi residence. She'd been running away with it in her mouth, trilling happily and contemplating all the thrilling ways she'd bat that mouse into a pulp of tenderized flesh she could leave on Usagi's pillow, when a pair of hands had swooped her up and plucked the still-alive mouse from her jaws.
"Shame on you, Luna," said Haruka, who proved to be the owner of the hands. She frowned at Luna severely and cradled the mouse carefully out of Luna's reach. "How could you do that to a poor, innocent mouse?"
Luna growled, struggled out of Haruka's grip and landed lightly on her feet. She stared in outraged despair at the mouse that was rightfully hers, while the mouse twitched its whiskers at her from its safe vantage point; clutched to Haruka's chest as she crooned over it and assured it everything was okay.
"That mouse was mine," said Luna, her lashing tail showing her anger.
"Well it's mine now," Haruka replied bluntly. "And I will not let you murder the poor little thing."
Luna looked up at Haruka and narrowed her eyes. "You're going to regret this," she said.
When Haruka tripped over Luna on the stairs a few days later and fell badly, breaking both her ankles, she assumed that was Luna's revenge. It was one of the rare occasions in her life when she kept something back from Michiru. She explained about falling over Luna, but she didn't say that she was pretty sure Luna had gotten under her feet deliberately, in revenge for the mouse. Haruka was well aware Michiru had a tendency to get protective of her, and looked at from a cat perspective, Haruka's actions probably were deserving of something terrible. Now Luna had her revenge, and so there was nothing further to worry about.
Besides, she'd heal fast enough, even if she had to use a wheelchair in the meantime.
It was unfortunate for Haruka that she was wrong when she thought there was nothing else to worry about.
Very, very wrong.
"I really think I should blow off this rehearsal," Michiru said for the tenth time. "I don't want to leave you alone all afternoon, and now that Usagi can't make it…"
"You can't blow off your rehearsal," Haruka told her sternly.
Michiru made an irritated sound. "Actually, I could with no problems whatsoever. It's everyone else who needs the practice. How they can all manage to be so useless this close to our opening night I've no idea."
"Well, not everyone in the world is a musical genius, Michiru."
"If only Setsuna and Hotaru hadn't gone on holiday to France right before your accident. Why did the timing have to be so terrible like that?"
"Why indeed?" said Haruka dryly. Since Luna had tripped her just a day after Setsuna and Hotaru had left, she knew the timing wasn't an accident at all. But she didn't let Michiru in on that. Michiru was worried enough about her already.
Taking Michiru's arm and drawing her down, Haruka cupped her cheek and stroked a thumb over her cheekbone. "It's just for a few hours," she said reassuringly. "I have popcorn. I have the TV remote. I have an ice bucket full of sodas. I'll be okay. I promise."
Michiru huffed and kissed her. "All right. But I'll keep my phone on me. Call me if you need anything. I'll put it on vibration."
Haruka nodded. "I will. Now hurry up or you're going to be late."
Michiru straightened up with a soft smile. "Usagi said she could make it over for dinner so I'll order some take-out before I come home."
"Okay." Haruka wheeled herself up the hall, following Michiru to see her out.
Once she was alone in the house, Haruka headed back to the TV with a certain thrill of anticipation. It wasn't often she got the chance to binge watch anything, and this was the perfect opportunity to let herself get lost in one of her favourite shows. She was extra excited since she'd get to see again today that one particular person on the show who most resonated for her in a very personal way.
Grabbing her popcorn and her soda, Haruka switched on the TV, and there it was. The announcement of the special ten hour subtitled marathon of If You Are the One, China's most popular dating gameshow. Haruka let out a noise of excitement and clutched her bowl of popcorn closer.
It took nearly forty-five minutes, but finally Haruka saw his name flash across the screen. Gao Yue of Beijing, whose romantic sensibilities were modelled so closely after Haruka's own they might have been long lost twins. His segment was coming up in less than half an hour. Haruka lost herself in the excitement of his preview, but was suddenly distracted as she heard a snick that sounded suspiciously like the wheels of her chair being locked into place.
Before Haruka could even begin to wonder what was going on, a blur of black fur leapt down from behind her. The popcorn went flying everywhere while the black blur simultaneously snatched up the TV remote and sent Haruka's iPhone spinning off into space, and then leapt away, landing safely on the floor in front of the TV several feet away, well out of Haruka's reach.
Haruka tried to move her chair but it might as well have been locked in cement. "Luna!" she said, doing her best to sound threatening, "stop this at once. What on earth do you think you're doing?"
Luna – for of course it was Luna – merely sat and stared at Haruka with narrowed eyes and a disdainful expression before picking up the remote in her mouth and turning around to face the TV, leaving Haruka with a view of fluffed fur and ominously twitching tail.
The remote dropped to the floor, and, after being sure to glance back at Haruka slyly, Luna *bop!* pressed a button on the remote and changed the channel.
As soon as she saw what was on the screen, Haruka's eyes opened wide in horror as her fingers tightened uselessly on the arm of her wheelchair. "Siri," she screamed. "Call Michiru! Call Michiru now!"
Wherever her phone had gone, it wasn't even in sight. Luna had turned the sound on the TV up as loud as it would go, making it impossible for Haruka to hear what Siri was saying. Finally though there were a merciful pause in the terrible, ominous topic the presenters were discussing, in which Haruka heard the distinct sound of a beep coming from the phone, meaning she should leave a message.
Michiru hadn't picked up.
Amidst her rising panic, Haruka garbled out a plea for Michiru to come save her, both her desperation and her tenor rising as Luna deliberately stalked closer to the phone's concealed location. She battered it out into the open as Haruka's voice reached fever pitch, and then, narrowing her eyes at Haruka and twitching her whiskers - *bop!* Luna turned the phone off, leaving Haruka to despair.
Yaten briefly raised her head from the kitchen table when Seiya's phone began to ring. Since it was face down she couldn't see who was calling. She briefly considered picking it up but she really couldn't be bothered. She yawned and returned her head to its previous position resting on her arms.
A few minutes later, her rest was rudely interrupted when Seiya came into the kitchen and flicked her with her towel. "Oi, are you still not properly awake?"
"It's my day off," said Yaten, her voice still muffled. "I shouldn't be awake at all. I can't believe you made me get out of bed. I hate you."
"Yeah yeah," said Seiya, rolling her eyes and dropping into a chair.
With an effort Yaten raised her head again. "Someone called while you were in the shower. You should probably look into that."
"You didn't answer it for me?"
Yaten gave Seiya a withering look. "Seiya, you know how I feel about phones. I barely answer my own."
Seiya grabbed her phone from the table and pointed it accusingly at Yaten. "Yes, I do know. And it causes me problems all the time. Do you have any idea how often our manager yells at me about it?" She proceeded to swipe her thumb across the screen of her phone, and Yaten could tell from the surprised rise of her eyebrows that the name of the caller wasn't one she expected to see.
"Well that's weird," said Seiya, glancing at Yaten. "It's from Haruka. She left a message."
Sensing something interesting was finally about to happen, Yaten perked up visibly. "Ohh, she never calls you unless she's all worked up about something she thinks you've done and she wants to yell at you and tell you how she's gonna eviscerate you or something. Put it on loudspeaker. This is going to be hilarious."
"I'm so glad the thought of my painful death brings you joy."
"Oh please. If I thought you couldn't hold you own against the likes of Haruka fucking Tenoh I would not even be a senshi on your team, Seiya. I would have transferred out long before this."
Seiya sighed. "All right. I honestly can't think of what I could have done lately to piss her off, but let's find out."
She placed the phone down on the table, turned on the loudspeaker and retrieved the message. It was garbled and difficult to decipher, with strange, distorted voices sometimes drowning out what Haruka was saying.
"Michiru! Michiru I need you to get home right now. It's coming soon and I can't—I can't do anything, I can't stop it—Oh God, Michiru you have to save me please—!"
Haruka's panicked voice cut out abruptly. With a frown, Seiya picked up the phone and tried to call back. There was no answer.
"Uh, I think I'd better go over there. That didn't sound good."
Yaten huffed. "Why don't you just call Michiru? Let her deal with it. Sounds like that's who Haruka was trying to call anyway."
"It'll be faster if I go," said Seiya, already transformed. "Remember Usagi told us Haruka hurt herself not long ago. She might not be able to fight whatever's attacking her."
"Well, have fun with that," said Yaten, rising from the table and wandering away towards the apartment's bedrooms.
"You're not coming with me?"
"Day off," Yaten called back over her shoulder. "If you're going to abandon me for Haruka, of all people, I'm going back to bed to sleep."
"Why do I have to do everything around here?" Seiya muttered in irritation, before heading out onto the balcony to fly across the city skyline.
The front door of the Outer Senshi residence was closed and locked when Seiya arrived. She tried calling and pounding on the door but no one responded. All seemed remarkably undisturbed for the site of a possible monster attack, but Haruka really had sounded desperate on the phone. Something here was definitely not right.
With a quick glance to see no one was watching, Seiya made short work of the door and went inside.
Immediately she could hear the moaning. Lots and lots of moaning. Not the sort of moaning people made when they were in pain; the other kind.
"Oh dear god what am I walking into," Seiya muttered. She took a large, fortifying breath and followed the moaning up the hall and into the living room.
Haruka was sitting in her wheelchair in front of the largest large screen TV money could buy, her head buried in her hands.
When Seiya saw what was on the screen, she kind of wanted to do the same. She assumed it was some kind of…gay porn? Possibly? But why was all the relevant action of what looked like a blow job being hidden by a strategically placed box?
And why were there fully dressed official looking people standing in the room watching them? And why were there yet more people featured in an insert window providing commentary?
It was times like these Seiya was reminded that Earth could be a very strange place.
The man being given the blow job behind the box began to make increasingly alarming noises, and Seiya hurriedly strode over to the TV and turned it off.
At the sudden silence, Haruka raised her head, and did a double take when she saw Seiya.
Seiya put her hands on her hips. "Haruka, were you cheating on Michiru with that cheap-ass gay porn? Or…Wait – Were you calling her home to watch it with you?" Making a face and putting a hand up, Seiya quickly added, "No, don't answer that. Too much information; I don't want to know."
Haruka continued to stare at Seiya. "What the hell are you doing here?" she demanded.
"Somehow your phone called me instead of Michiru. Trust even your Siri to be defective. But since you kind of sounded like you were in trouble I came to help. Sorry to break up your little porn fest."
"No, you've got it all wrong! Luna—Wait, shit, what's the time? Give me the remote, quick!"
The TV remote was lying at Seiya's feet. She picked it up and looked at Haruka curiously. "Why can't you come get it yourself?"
"Because the wheels of my chair have been locked. I can't move."
"Isn't that a bit of a design flaw?"
"Well," Haruka looked rather shifty. "You could say it's a design flaw, I suppose. There should be another remote for it somewhere not too far away. And my phone…"
Haruka gestured to where her iPhone was lying, not too far from where the TV remote had been. Seiya raised an eyebrow and wondered what on earth had gone down here. There was popcorn all over the floor too.
She walked over to Haruka and handed her both the phone and the TV remote, before beginning to look around for the device that, apparently, could control Haruka's wheelchair from afar, which had to be the stupidest thing Seiya had ever heard of.
Haruka meanwhile, had turned the TV back on, gotten the volume down to a reasonable level, and was hurriedly flicking through channels.
"It's probably up there," Haruka told Seiya, waving her hand towards a high shelf behind her.
Seiya searched the shelf, and eventually, with the help of her senshi abilities, found what she assumed to be the wheelchair's remote sitting right at the top of the shelf.
"Is this it?" she asked, tossing it down to Haruka.
"Yes, thank god." After pressing a button on the remote, Haruak checked her mobility, apparently satisfied when the wheelchair responded to her commands.
"Okay, well…Thanks," she said awkwardly as Seiya landed back on the floor. "You can go now," she added, as Seiya continued to linger.
Seiya had no intention of going anywhere. She was still curious about the incident that had caused Haruka's predicament, there was the porn mystery to be sussed out, and there was also the infinitely strange matter of the channel Haruka was watching now, which appeared to be, as far as Seiya could tell, some kind of dating gameshow.
Luckily at that moment Yaten called her, giving her an excuse to sit down, ignoring Haruka's incensed exclamation of, "Oi, don't sit down on my couch! Go home!"
"Hey Yaten, what's up?" Seiya said, as if Haruka hadn't spoken.
"Is she dead?" Yaten asked without preamble.
"If you mean Haruka, no, she isn't dead. She's fine."
Yaten gave what sounded suspiciously like a grunt of disappointment. "Well, there's always tomorrow, I suppose. Being a senshi is a dangerous line of work."
Before Seiya could think of what to say to that, Yaten continued, "anyway Seiya, I've decided I'm going to sleep for the rest of the day."
"Yeah, I suppose that's the sort of thing you would decide to do."
"So don't come home until this evening, okay?"
"I—Excuse me?!"
"If you come home, you'll bother me, and I won't get any sleep."
"Bother you?!"
"Well, that's a poor way of putting it. I'll probably end up asking you to bother me, if you're here. And I want to sleep. I got hardly any last night, which is all your fault by the way."
"My 'fault'? Do you know how many complaints I remember getting from you last night, Yaten? Zero. Zero complaints. Unless 'yes Seiya' and 'more Seiya' and 'don't stop Seiya' are all ways you have of saying you don't like something, in which case, you have the worst grasp of language of anyone I have ever encountered."
Frowning and giving Seiya a dirty look out of the corner of her eye, Haruka turned up the volume on the TV by a notch or two, hissing, "shut up Seiya, I do not want to know about what happens in your bed!"
"Just take it as a complement," Yaten said with a yawn, "That I'd actually find you so tempting I'd choose you over sleep if you were here. Besides, don't act like I was the only one saying ridiculous things last night. Remember 'If you don't touch me right now I'm going to die'? Remember when you said that, Seiya?"
"I did not say that!"
Yaten snickered. "Yes you did. Right before—"
"Oi!" Seiya objected as Haruka suddenly grabbed the phone off of her.
"Dear god stop!" said Haruka, almost yelling into the phone. "I can hear what you're saying!"
Seiya quickly wrestled the phone back off her. "Stop acting all delicate, Tenoh. I could have lived out the rest of my days quite happily without ever knowing about your perverted taste in terrible gay porn, but here we are. If I can cope with that knowledge, you can certainly cope with knowing I had sex with a real, actual person."
The look Haruka was giving her would have withered many an enemy, but Seiya merely met her death-glare with one of her own, while raising the phone to her ear again.
"Yaten, are you still there?"
"Yeah," said Yaten. "I'll see you tonight, okay? Have fun annoying Haruka. Bye."
"Mmm, bye."
After the call ended, Seiya grabbed a soda from the ice bucket and settled more firmly on the couch. "I'm staying here for a bit. Where's the popcorn?"
"You're not staying here! If Yaten doesn't want you, go and find Taiki."
"She's at a museum or something. Even your company is marginally more tolerable than that. So, what are we watching?"
"You—are not—staying—here." Haruka repeated through gritted teeth.
Right then, Luna padded into the room, having perhaps wandered in through the front door Seiya had destroyed. Which, now that she thought about, she should probably mention to Haruka at some point. Some later point.
Luna jumped up onto the coffee table and sat up straight, giving Haruka an unblinking stare.
Haruka immediately got a wary look about her and glanced between Luna and Seiya several times, as if trying to choose between the lesser of two hells.
Finally she thrust her empty popcorn bowl at Seiya. "There's more popcorn on the bench in the kitchen," she growled.
"Wonderful," said Seiya, leaping up happily.
"Make sure you get your own bowl!" Haruka called after her as she went into the kitchen. "We are not sharing!"
When Seiya came back with two overflowing bowls of popcorn, Luna had curled up and apparently gone to sleep, though Seiya noticed she cracked an eye open as she sat back down.
Meanwhile, Haruka was practically humming with excitement, her eyes glued to the TV screen. "Thank god I didn't miss it," she murmured, in the same reverent tone she might have used to say, 'thank god the world is safe'.
More curious than ever, Seiya followed Haruka's gaze. There was a rather young-looking looking man on the screen, whose name was apparently Gao Yue of Beijing. It seemed he was a contestant in the game – there were a lot of women lined up with buzzers—Pressing them or not pressing them seemed to mean something; Seiya really couldn't be bothered to figure out what.
Gao Yue was apparently single, and looking for love. The story of his first love…Well, there was really only one way to describe it.
"That guy is ridiculous," Seiya muttered. "Who on earth would be dumb enough to pursue someone with that strategy?"
"Shh!" said Haruka sharply, stuffing more popcorn into her mouth as she, apparently, reveled in every moment of Gao Yue's story.
"I met my first love in high school," he began. "She was the hottest girl in our school and lots of guys were chasing her. But I knew her better than everyone else; I knew that if I did something romantic it would show her how much I cared about her. That's why I kept an umbrella in my bag for over six months, waiting for it to rain. I waited and waited, until finally, one day, it rained, and I gave her the umbrella, and then were together. I thought we'd be like that always, but afterwards, we both went to different universities and split up. That's why—"
"It's such a beautiful story," said Haruka, her eyes shining with unshed tears and her voice choked as the contestants gave their opinions on Gao Yue and his tale. "That man…That man truly understands love."
"You cannot be serious!" exploded Seiya. "That's the worst strategy for pursuing someone I've ever heard of!"
Turning an angry look on Seiya, Haruka balled her hand into a fist. "Like you understand the first thing about romance!"
"I understand romance just fine, but there's no point being so obtuse the other party doesn't even know your feelings! How was that poor girl supposed to know he was carrying that umbrella around all that time? She was probably pining after him and thinking he didn't care! Man, no wonder they broke up. How much work would it be to be with someone like that? I'm telling you, Tenoh, there is not a single instance on this planet where some nitwit using that strategy has resulted in a strong, enduring relationship."
"Oh yeah?" Haruka slammed her drink can down so hard she half crumpled it whilst simultaneously sending soda spraying everywhere. "Well, I'll have you know that's exactly how I pursued Michiru when we were at Mugen Academy. I carried that umbrella around for months, waiting for a chance. Every day I checked the weather, but even when rain was forecast, it never fell in the afternoon on those accused school grounds. The whole area was distorted by what the Death Busters did. Even the weather. Evil itself was conspiring against me, but I never gave up! Finally one afternoon it rained, and I asked Michiru if I could walk her home under my umbrella, and she agreed, and once we were on her porch – That – that was when I kissed her for the first time, and she kissed me back, and all these years later we're still together and we still love each other. So there!
"And also, for the record, I do not need gay porn to meet my needs; I have an extremely satisfying sex life with the one person who matters to me."
"Then why the hell were you watching that porn trash?"
"That's—Well—"
Haruka's gaze fell to the TV once more. Her eyes sharpened and she let out a gasp. Seiya glanced at the screen too, trying to figure out what had drawn her attention. It seemed like a different contestant was now on the show.
"Fuck, I missed the ending," Haruka cursed. "It's so great when he finds out the girl he likes also likes him back…"
"Hang on," said Seiya. "You've watched this before? You have voluntarily watched segments of this Chinese dating gameshow more than once?"
"It's my favourite show, okay? And he's my favourite contestant out of all the episodes I've seen. Of course I want to see him more than once. You have a problem with that?"
"I have so many problems with that it's hard to know where to start! But I think the logical place is why you apparently think it's a good idea to get your dating inspiration from what contestants on some Chinese gameshow do. Because you know what, Haruka? You and Michiru may have a healthy sex life now, but if it took you months just to work up the courage to kiss her back in the day, I dread to think how long it was before you actually did anything more. Remember that time I flirted with Michiru in her dressing room and you wanted to kill me? I mean, I'm just saying, all I did was tell her that I was her fan and I wanted to know about her, and she said I could help her get changed. Like, if you'd used my approach you could have been helping Michiru out of her clothes on your first date."
"Well clearly I am not a shallow, uncouth, fickle opportunist, and I actually like to get to know someone before taking off their clothes. Also you've been suffering under a delusion all these years if you think Michiru was actually coming onto you during that dressing room fiasco. But I did want to kill you; you're right about that."
Haruka gave Seiya a smouldering look of hatred. "I still would kill you, if Usagi didn't like you so damn much."
Seiya grinned. She knew it was a bit messed up, but Haruka's death threats held a strange kind of thrilling appeal for her.
"You can try to kill me later. For now, let's get back to that god awful porn, Haruka. You still haven't told me why you were watching it."
Throwing her hands up and making a noise of disgust, Haruka said, "Urgh, I give up. Get it through your thick head that I wasn't watching it. And I didn't turn it on. It was all an accident, okay? Now, please let me watch my TV show in peace."
Of course Seiya didn't. The rest of Haruka's day was full of snarky comments, disagreements on the merits of various contestants, and bitter arguments as to whose romantic sensibilities were more refined.
It was actually a mystery to Seiya why Haruka didn't try to throw her out, but once six o'clock rolled around she did finally start pushing Seiya to leave, saying that Michiru would be home soon, and that she had to clean up the house before she arrived.
Seiya commented Haruka probably just wanted to get her out of the way so that she could have her debauched gay porn night with Michiru.
"You're still going on about that? I told you already, it was an accident, Seiya. An accident!"
Seiya was pretty sure porn couldn't happen by accident, like, woops, I tripped and now there's gay porn on my TV. She was about to say as much when Luna spoke.
Luna had stayed with them the whole day, sleeping, or at least pretending to, but she'd obviously decided it was time for her to wake up now and impart some important information. "It's not true that the porn was an accident," she said. "Haruka just doesn't want anyone to know about her secret addiction. A few days ago it was Cute Gay Nymphomaniac Demons Discover the Onsen. A few days before that it was Magical Boys Gone Wild. All full of beautiful gay men, and not a lesbian in sight." Luna shook her head. "It's quite shocking. And the worst part? Whenever anyone questions her, she always blames me. She says I was watching it."
Seiya might not have been an expert on Earth culture, but given that an awful lot of the population either ignored magical people or were terrified of them, she was pretty sure that porn titles like Magical Boys Gone Wild didn't actually exist. However, since Haruka was turning all sorts of amusing colours and making highly entertaining noises, Seiya decided not to let the truth get in the way of her fun.
"Wait until Yaten hears about this," she said, being sure Haruka could hear the glee in her voice. "She'll have cutting comments to make at you for days!"
Blue flames of anger sparked in Haruka's eyes, and she menacingly wheeled her chair closer to Seiya's position. Apparently being the chair hadn't affected her speed, and Seiya had to rise and hurriedly step back as Haruka reached her with rather alarming haste.
Haruka grabbed the front of Seiya's shirt and yanked her down so their faces were inches apart. "You are not telling anyone about this ever," she hissed.
Before Seiya could respond, they both heard Michiru's voice, calling for Haruka in alarm. Running footsteps approached their position, and Michiru burst into the room wild-eyed.
"Haruka!" she exclaimed. "Thank goodness. When I saw the door blown apart I was afraid there'd been an attack." As her panic faded and she began to take in the scene – Seiya still pulled down close to Haruka by Haruka's fist curled into Seiya's shirt, her expression changed to one of amusement, and just possibly, speculation. "My, my. Am I interrupting something? The beginning of a fight, perhaps, or the beginning of foreplay?"
Haruka snorted and blushed to the roots of her hair. "As if." With what seemed to be a superhuman effort she let go of Seiya and wheeled herself back. "Now what were you saying about the door, Michiru?"
"Ah, yeah, the door is my fault," said Seiya. "Sorry." She directed the apology more to Michiru than Haruka.
"You destroyed our front door?" said Haruka, trying, and failing once more, to keep her temper in check.
"I'll pay for a new one," said Seiya carelessly. "Don't worry about it. Also, Haruka, I'm going to prove a point to you."
With a flick of her hair, she marched over to Michiru and took her hand. "Michiru, I'm really attracted to you. How would you like to go out with me?"
Michiru looked taken aback. "Well, I certainly appreciate your directness, Seiya. Far more so than one other particular past suitor of mine I could name—" This was said with a deliberate look at Haruka, "However, since I'm already with Haruka and love her more than the heavens themselves, I'm going to have to decline. But I can't imagine that outcome surprises you terribly."
"You see, Haruka," Seiya said, with a sweep of her arm for emphasis. "You see how easy that was? How appreciative Michiru was of my candour? How there was absolutely no dependency on umbrellas and the whims of the weather?"
"Ah, Haruka told you that story?" Michiru asked, giving a musical chuckle. "I can't lie, Seiya, I was practically in despair back then that I was ever going to get anywhere with Haruka."
"Mmm. Which is perfectly understandable, and the way any reasonable person would feel."
"Seiya," said Haruka, eyebrow twitching, "You can't convince me of how great your dating technique is when Michiru still turned you down."
Seiya threw her hands in her air. "You're missing the point, Haruka!"
At that moment, Yaten and Usagi also walked into the living room, having apparently let themselves in through the gaping hole where the front door used to be.
"Isn't Haruka always missing the point about something or other?" said Yaten, sounding bored. Catching sight of Luna, she gained a sense of animation, kneeling down and scratching her chin. "Hey, Luna, I haven't seen you in ages!"
Luna purred happily, arching her back, her eyes becoming starry as she looked at Yaten. "So…Beautiful," she said, as if in a trance. "Sparkly…" And then mewled like a kitten as Yaten picked her up and held her.
Glancing at Yaten, Seiya noticed she did have that sparkly aura about her right now that tended to make walking down the street with her a bit hazardous. There were sometimes so many blood noses the scene could look like one of their battlefields. And the sparkly aura often was at its strongest after Yaten had gotten plenty of sleep. God, Seiya really didn't want to have to deal with the trial of getting Yaten home right now in her sparkly state.
"Okay," said Michiru, "I know why Usagi is here, I invited her over for dinner. But Yaten, why are you here?"
Yaten glanced up from caressing the practically supine Luna in her arms. "I knew Seiya was here, and when I woke up I was hungry."
"Not that I mind really, Yaten," Seiya put in, "But we do have plenty of food at our place."
"All of it required effort," said Yaten with an elegant shrug. "Besides, I'm your soldier. It's part of your job to provide me with succor and a nice bed to sleep in and make sure I'm fed."
"One, this isn't the front line of a warzone, so I'm pretty sure none of those clauses are applicable to this situation, and two, nowhere does it say I have to give you a nice bed. The correct phrase from memory is 'ensure adequate rest to fulfil your duties' – the guarantee of a nice bed is not part of the deal."
"Well I need a nice bed to get adequate rest. The implication is understood."
Just then, the doorbell sounded, preventing Seiya from answering.
"Ah, that will be dinner," said Michiru. "We're having take-out."
"Man, take-out sounds good," said Yaten. "Seiya, let's go out to dinner somewhere."
Seiya didn't think dinner in a public place was a good idea with Yaten emitting that amount of sparkle. They'd both get blood spatters all over their food from the noses of half the waitstaff and patrons, and that was assuming Seiya didn't end up with a full blown riot on her hands.
"Michiru," she said hurriedly. "Can't Yaten and I stay here for dinner? We'll order our own food in."
"No you cannot stay here!" Haruka answered before Michiru could. "Isn't it enough that you've ruined my entire day? Now you're going to ruin my evening as well?"
"Okay Haruka. Let us stay to dinner, and then you can fight me to the death later on."
"As much as I'd like to…" With a wave of her hands, Haruka indicated her broken ankles.
"That is no obstacle," said Yaten, producing her Star Yell. "I can heal those injuries in no time."
Suddenly coming back to life in Yaten's arms, Luna wriggled to the ground. "No Yaten, you can't!"
"Eh? Why?"
More focused on finding a way to have her death match than on why Luna cared one way or the other about Haruka's ankles, Seiya carried on. "Fine. I'll break both of my ankles and then it will be an even match."
Yaten buried her face in her hands with a grimace. "Seiya, that's just dumb."
"Umm, I think I'm going to go get the food," said Usagi, heading towards the hall.
"Finally a sensible suggestion," said Yaten. "I'll come help."
"No," said Seiya, grabbing her arm. "You stay here. Remember what happened to the last poor delivery guy you opened the door to?"
"Hmmm." Yaten appeared to think for a moment. "You mean the one who got the weird look on his face and said I was hot and whose hand I crushed when he tried to touch me, and whose nose started spurting with blood right after that, and then the ambulance had to come get him and he had to have a blood transfusion in hospital?"
"Yes Yaten. That guy."
Yaten flicked her hair back. "I don't see what the big deal is. I fixed his hand before the ambulance came. It's not like he was crippled for life."
"You only fixed his hand because I told you to!"
"Humph. Well, if this was a civilized planet there would be laws about men not being permitted to touch senshi. Usagi should really look into that when she's queen."
"I'll go help Usagi with the food," said Haruka, either because she believed it her duty to protect delivery men everywhere, or to get away from Seiya and Yaten's conversation.
"You know," Michiru said contemplatively after Haruka left, "since I knew Usagi was coming I already ordered plenty of extra food. I'm sure there'd be enough if you two want to join us."
Seiya blinked in disbelief. "Huh? You're actually inviting Yaten and I to dinner?"
"Well, if Haruka is going to kill you in a death match, Seiya, it's probably polite to offer a last meal to you and your soon to be bereaved partner."
"Oh, I'm not the one who's going to end up bereaved," Yaten muttered, though she at least kept the remark fairly quiet since she clearly did want food.
The three of them went into the dining area next to the kitchen where Haruka and Usagi were laying out food on the table. Seeing Seiya and Yaten, Haruka gave Michiru a crestfallen look. "Really Michiru? You said they could stay?"
"They are here on this planet as guests of our princess."
Seiya kind of doubted that was Michiru's real reason for inviting them, any more than the last-meal-before-the-death-match excuse, but since she was getting what she wanted she didn't care too much.
"Here you go, Luna," said Yaten, filling a plate with food and placing it on the floor for Luna before sitting down herself between Seiya and Usagi.
Across the table, Haruka was still glowering at them from her place at Michiru's side. "If I have to put up with your company, can't you at least invite Taiki too? She's the only one out of you three I actually like."
"That's not a bad idea," said Seiya, pulling out her phone. "I'll text her."
The answer came back a short time later.
Can't come, I'm in Osaka.
"Osaka?" Seiya frowned, and typed, why are you in Osaka?
Well I could say literary festival, Seiya, and it wouldn't be a lie, but the real answer is I couldn't take it any more, listening to you and Yaten every night. You do remember Japanese walls are made out of paper? They are literally paper thin. And apparently neither of you is capable of taking into consideration the fact that not everyone in the entire complex wants to know what you're doing, especially me!
"How rude!" said Seiya, affronted.
"What is it?" asked Yaten, going on to read the exchange as Seiya showed it to her.
Haruka let out a breath of amusement. "I bet Taiki didn't want to know what was going on in your bed, either, did she Seiya?"
"Be quiet," said Seiya. "This is a Starlights only matter."
What if we promise not to be too loud?
The answer came back quickly. Unless you guarantee complete silence I'm not returning.
"Hmm, what do you think?" Seiya asked Yaten.
"Probably not going to happen," said Yaten.
"Yeah, that's what I thought."
What if we move to a new place with much thicker walls?
Thankfully, this time Taiki's reply seemed somewhat mollified. We'll talk about it when I get back.
"So Seiya," said Michiru, causing Seiya to hurriedly stuff her phone into her pocket, "Yaten said she came here because you were here, but you never said why you came here in the first place. What were you and Haruka doing all day?"
There was sharpness hidden in Michiru's eyes, and her voice was too casual.
Ah, Seiya thought, so this was it. The real reason Michiru had allowed her and Yaten to stay. She wanted to know what was going on.
Haruka gave Seiya a warning glance, and her constant insistence on secrecy was really beginning to make Seiya wonder. Michiru probably already knew about Haruka's proclivities for terrible dating gameshows; Haruka didn't have the sense to understand it was the sort of freakish addiction any normal kind of person would want to hide from the loved ones in their life. Likewise, Michiru already knew Seiya had been here most of the day. So what if Seiya told her they'd watched terrible TV together?
Before Seia could answer, Yaten spoke. "That's weird. I wonder where Luna went. She was here until a moment ago, and she hasn't finished her dinner."
As if on cue, Luna came racing back into the dining area, mewing excitedly with a mouse clutched in her jaws – the very same mouse Haruka had tried to rescue!
"Oh no, Luna, not again!" Usagi cried. "I don't want more dead mice on my pillow!"
She and Haruka both dove for the mouse at the same moment, but it was too late.
CRUNCH!
Luna's jaws snapped down on the mouse's skull, and…
"What's going on?" said Usagi. She poked at the innards of the mouse, innards that were most definitely made up of metal and mechanical joints, not flesh and bone. "It wasn't a real mouse?"
Luna suddenly got a very superior look on her face. "It was a device of the Enemy, sent to spy on us." Rounding on Haruka with fluffed fur, she spat, "see, Haruka, this is why I wanted to kill the mouse, and you wouldn't let me!"
By this time, all the others had gathered round to stare at the mechanical mouse too. "Luna, what are you talking about?" asked Yaten. "Haruka stopped you from killing that mouse before?"
"Yes," said Luna. "And that's why I tripped her and made her fall down the stairs and break her ankles. And why I reprogrammed her wheelchair so it couldn't move without the remote, and then turned that gay porn on so she'd have to watch that instead of her favourite dating gameshow. But when Seiya turned up, I had a better idea. I knew Haruka wouldn't want to be alone with me, so all I had to do was stick around, which meant she had to let Seiya stay as well, and then she wouldn't get any peace all day! And she didn't! And also, Haruka, this isn't relevant right now, but Seiya's right. It is absolutely insane that you were carrying an umbrella around for months, waiting for it to rain so you could ask Michiru out. Honestly, you deserved to be tortured for that as much as for not letting me destroy the Enemy's device."
Haruka lost more and more of her colour as the whole sorry story of her conflict with Luna was laid out for all to see, but by the end of it, she still wasn't half as pale as Michiru.
"Luna, you should have told me if you knew the mouse was the device of an Enemy!"
"Humph," said Luna, turning up her nose.
Usagi smacked Luna lightly across the back of the head. "I bet she didn't tell you, Haruka, because she didn't know. I bet she thought it was a real mouse, right up until she bit into it. Isn't that so, Luna?"
"Wait, wait, wait," said Yaten. "Forget about the mouse for a moment. What's this about Haruka and an umbrella and asking Michiru out?"
"Exactly what it sounds like," Luna replied. "Years ago, when Haruka and Michiru were in high school, Haruka was too nervous to ask her out, so she carried an umbrella around for months, waiting for it to rain, so she could offer Michiru her umbrella and walk her home. Which did happen eventually, but like I said, it took months."
Yaten rubbed a hand over her face in disgust. "You've got to be joking. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. That's even more stupid than Seiya saying she'd break her own ankles."
"Oi!" said Seiya.
"But," said Yaten, carrying on and ignoring Seiya, "it has to be asked – why were you just waiting around Michiru? Why didn't you ask Haruka out if she was messing around with umbrellas and weather charts and shit?"
"I did!" Michiru defended herself. "Many times. I invited her to my concerts. I told her I wanted to go driving with her. I asked her to model for me. And that's not taking into account all the time we were spending together training as senshi after her awakening. I even…God, this is so embarrassing, but once I even got myself stranded on a beach outside the city limits. I deliberately missed the last train home so I'd have an excuse to call Haruka and ask her to come pick me up. And when she got there, I suggested we sit in her car for a while and watch the ocean, and I told her she smelled really nice and that I liked what she was wearing. And then I slipped my hand into hers, because I said mine was cold, and do you know what she did?"
Horrified and wide-eyed, Yaten shook her head.
"She turned the car's heater on, put my hands in front of it, and said they'd warm up in no time. After that…I nearly gave up and lost the will to live."
Yaten turned to Haruka, dumbfounded. "Seriously, Haruka, was there cement in your head?"
"Not at all," said Haruka, scarlet sweeping across her cheeks. "But I'm sure as hell not going to discuss with you what was going on all those years ago."
Luna meanwhile, seemed to have decided that this detour into Haruka and Michiru's romantic history was the perfect distraction during which she could try to stage her escape and sneak away. Unfortunately for her, Michiru was having none of it, and stood on her tail, making Luna let out a pained yowl.
"You are not going anywhere just yet, Luna," Michiru said menacingly. She picked Luna up and held her out in front of her at arm's length, looking her over with a steely glare. Luna began to tremble.
"Michiru," Haruka said, apparently still too soft-hearted to wish Luna ill, even after all that had happened, "it's really not her fault. She's a cat. Catching mice and holding grudges are both in her nature."
Luna gave Haruka an adoring stare, conveniently forgetting all her earlier scoldings. She somehow managed to struggle out of Michiru's grip and went straight for the safety of Haruka's lap, burrowing into her and still shaking. "Protect me, Haruka," she said pathetically. "I'm sorry. I know I did wrong. I was a bad cat. I won't do it again, I promise."
"See?" said Haruka, stroking Luna's fur, "she's sorry now."
"Haruka…" Michiru shook her head, her anger melting away as she gave Haruka a tender look. "Really what can I say? I love you." She kissed Haruka's temple, and Haruka gazed back at her with an equally tender expression.
Seiya noticed Luna give a sigh of relief. Evidently she also possessed a cat's natural talent for pretending affection and remorse when it suited her.
With the entertainment of the mouse and Haruka's sorry dating history over, Yaten had grown bored. From the look on her face, Seiya guessed she also didn't want to be subjected to any further displays of Haruka and Michiru canoodling.
"Can we please finish dinner now?" she said. "I'm still hungry."
This suggestion was generally approved, and everyone sat down to finish their meals, even Luna. Afterwards, as Haruka and Michiru were clearly the empty plates away, Usagi embarked on a topic she'd clearly been turning over in her mind for a while.
"You know, despite what you all say, I think it was romantic of Haruka to wait for what she knew to be the right moment to ask Michiru out. I remember the weather around Mugen Academy was already really distorted. Even after the school got destroyed in the battle with the Death Busters and we closed the portal, things still weren't quite right there for a long time. That afternoon when it rained, when Haruka asked Michiru out, that was probably the only rain that fell at the right time for the whole year. So their love really must have been destined; the wheels of fate turning and giving them the chance to finally let each other know their feelings. In fact, it didn't rain on that area at all for the next three years – I watched a TV show about it, how they had to pipe water in especially—"
There was a sudden crash as a wine glass slipped from Michiru's fingers and fell to the floor. Everyone stared at her in shock. It was unheard of for the frighteningly elegant Michiru to do something as clumsy as dropping a wine glass.
"I'm sorry," she said, as the others continued to stare at her. "I had a very trying rehearsal today. I must be tired."
"Of course you are," said Haruka, brushing her arm in concern. "Go and sit down. I'll clean this up."
Unusually quiet, Michiru returned to her chair while Haruka dealt with the broken wine glass and finished loading the dishwasher.
"Hmm, what should I do with this mouse?" she wondered, staring at its spilled mechanical guts.
"I'll be taking that home, thank you," said Luna. She'd procured a small draw-string bag from somewhere, and scooped the mechanical fragments into it before drawing it shut with her front paw and her teeth. "It needs to be examined."
"Yeah about that mouse," Seiya said. "You said it came from an Enemy Luna, and that they were spying on us, but…Where are they? Who are they? I thought things had been really quiet around here."
"I don't know who they are," said Luna. "That's why I have to take the mouse away for examination. But I do know a listening device when I see one. After all, I am more technologically advanced than most of the humans on this planet."
Seiya was kind of surprised that it didn't seem to occur to Usagi or Haruka or Michiru that Luna might simply want the mouse as a prize – it was still her prey after all, and she had 'killed' it. But she shrugged inwardly. That really wasn't her problem.
She stretched. "Well, Yaten and I should probably be heading home. Thanks for dinner, Michiru."
Yaten's sparkle had subsided enough that Seiya thought it was probably safe to set foot outdoors. Besides, since Taiki wasn't coming home tonight, they might as well make the most of the opportunity to have some privacy.
"Of course, you're welcome," said Michiru, though her smile was a little thin and she sounded distracted.
"Odango, want to walk with us?"
"That's okay," said Usagi. "Mamo-chan is coming to pick me up in a little while."
"I'll walk with you!" said Luna, staring at Yaten adoringly.
That nearly made Seiya reconsider whether she should unleash Yaten on an unsuspecting public just yet, but it wasn't like they could stay here all night. She got up, bowed to Usagi, took her hand, and kissed it. "It was a pleasure as always, Odango. Come see us at our next concert."
"Yeah, absolutely," Usagi grinned.
Haruka rolled her eyes. "Seiya, can you please stop flirting with everything that moves? I mean, do you have hourly targets you have to hit or what? It's bad enough that you already asked Michiru out as soon as she walked through the door. Don't start on Usagi too."
Seiya wasn't sure whether Haruka expected to get a reaction out of Yaten with that last revelation, but if so, the results must have sorely disappointed her, since Yaten merely continued to savour the last of the Outer's expensive wine in her glass, unconcerned. "Hmm, it would probably do Michiru good to try a better class of lesbian," she said contemplatively. "But since she has such terrible taste in women, I doubt it's going to happen anytime soon."
"My taste in women is just fine, thank you," Michiru said. "I have exactly the partner I want, and she is everything I want her to be."
"Well, I will admit, you and Haruka do make better hosts than I thought you would." This was said as if Yaten hadn't just wandered in off the street uninvited and scabbed food off the Outers' table like a stray. Abandoning her now empty wine glass, she got to her feet as well. "Bye, Usagi. Think about what I said about making it illegal for men to touch senshi. I feel like that would vastly improve this planet's level of civilization on the intergalactic scale."
"Um, I don't think that would really work, Yaten, since I'm actually married to a man."
"Oh yeah, I keep forgetting about that." She paused, as if thinking. "Must be strange, having a heterosexual princess."
"There is nothing wrong with our princess being heterosexual!" Haruka immediately burst out. "It's perfectly normal, and she should be allowed to pursue happiness with whomever she likes!"
"Okay, okay," said Seiya quickly, before things got out of hand. "It's just a cultural misunderstanding. Let's not go to war over it."
"Humph. Well, you still owe me a death-match anyway, Seiya. As soon as I'm better."
Haruka finished with a menacing growl, but Seiya could tell her heart wasn't really in it. She was probably too busy thinking about giving Michiru a bubble bath and getting her tucked up in bed.
"Text me the time and place and I'll be there," Seiya promised.
Haruka nodded. "You're on."
"Well, now it's settled that the two of you are going to fight to death at some unspecified date in the future, why don't I see you out, Seiya, Yaten, Luna?"
"It's okay, Michiru," said Haruka, frowning. "I can do that. You should rest."
"I'll be fine, Haruka, don't worry. You stay and catch up with Usagi. You didn't get the chance to see her today, after all."
Haruka gave in, though she still looked doubtful, watching as Michiru, Yaten, Seiya and Luna all left the room, Luna carrying her little bag with the shattered mouse in her jaws.
After the others left, Usagi moved around the table to sit next to Haruka. "So Haruka," she said curiously. "Why did it take you so long to finally get with Michiru? You must have known she liked you."
"Ah that." Haruka poured a glass of water for herself before answering. "To tell the truth, I was terrified of falling in love. It's not like I'd ever cared for anyone before that point, or had anyone to care about. It was…A challenge I was ill-equipped to navigate. Plus, awakening as a solider, fighting daimons every night – Everything was just so crazy back then. Walking under an umbrella together in the rain felt…normal. Or as close as we were going to get to it, anyway. Somehow, to me, it felt like…If Michiru wanted to do something like that with me, something that we could have done if we'd just met by chance, nothing to do with our destiny of fighting evil, then maybe…There was something real there. Something I could start to trust and believe in."
Usagi leaned her head on Haruka's shoulder. "I knew it was something like that. You really are a romantic at heart, Haruka."
As Seiya, Yaten, Luna and Michiru reached the gaping hole where the front door used to be, Michiru suddenly stopped and leaned against the wall. "Excuse me, just give me a moment."
Seiya furrowed her brow in concern. "Michiru? Are you really sure you're all right? You've been acting weird."
"I'm fine, Seiya. It's just…My god, to think it might have taken three years! I would have died of frustration."
"Three years?" said Seiya. "You mean the rain?"
Michiru nodded. "None of you can ever tell Haruka about this, but…The only reason it rained that afternoon when she finally asked to walk me home was because I'd been honing my powers for months, until I was able to finally get the sea to send a storm in."
Yaten laughed. "So the rain wasn't destiny, it wasn't even chance, it was you?"
Michiru regained a measure of her composure and pushed herself away from the wall. "I've always been a believer in taking my destiny into my own hands. I wanted to be with Haruka, but she'd gotten obsessed with this umbrella idea, so the only thing I could do was make sure it rained. Which did end up working, and very well I might add." This last was uttered with a certain amount of smugness.
"You have a lot of fortitude, Michiru," said Yaten. "I will give you that."
"Ah, about the door," Seiya said, surveying the results of her earlier attack, "is it going to be okay like that for the night? Anyone could walk in."
"I wouldn't worry about that," said Michiru. "I pity the poor fool who enters this house trying to cause trouble. Haruka and I will call someone about it tomorrow and send you the bill."
"That's fair I suppose," Seiya conceded, though she winced to think about what kind of excessive amounts of money Haruka and Michiru would think suitable to spend on a new door.
They said their final farewells and the two Starlights and Luna walked out to the footpath and commenced their journey up the street, Luna trotting along with her mouse bag still held proudly in her jaws.
Seiya glanced down at her. "Luna, you are going to properly look into that mouse, aren't you? You're not just taking it home as a trophy?"
"I'll look into it," Luna promised.
Yaten stopped and knelt down to stroke Luna. "Don't be too hard on her, Seiya. You did good, didn't you my little Luna-cat, killing the big bad mouse that was sent by the Enemy?"
"Meow!" said Luna happily.
Meanwhile, on a hidden lesbian spaceship orbiting the Earth…
The lieutenant turned to Shivariel. "Commander Shivariel, what are your orders? Do we commence the invasion as planned? Who would have thought there was a species intelligent enough on that planet to disable our mechanical spy? Commander?"
Shivariel remained silent for a moment, rubbing the crease between her eyebrows. She was having a very bad day. The drivel she'd been forced to listen to for the last several hours had put a great strain on her patience, not to mention caused offence to her considerable intellect on many different levels.
"We will not be commencing the invasion. We are looking for worthy mates, and it would clearly be a mistake to blend our genes with that species." With a disgusted look, she added, "Umbrellas, pah. If we relied on that species for our continuation, we'd probably go extinct in a generation. Give the order to move on. We'll find another planet better suited to our needs."
And so it was that Haruka's love of courtship rituals requiring umbrellas almost singlehandedly saved humanity from certain doom.
Mamoru came to get Usagi not long after Luna and the Starlights left. Haruka and Michiru headed back into the living room, and Haruka grimaced at the popcorn and spilled soda everywhere. "Sorry, it's kind of a mess. Want me to clean it up?"
"Leave it for tonight. Let's go upstairs and relax."
Later, after Haruka had given Michiru a nice bubble bath, and had her own rather more cautious shower (since she couldn't get her casts wet), and they were tucked up in bed together, Haruka kissed Michiru and said, "I really am lucky to have you, Michiru. I'm glad you agreed to let me walk you home, all those years ago."
Michiru smiled. "I'm glad you asked me," she said. "We really were lucky that it rained that day."
"We really were," Haruka agreed, snuggling up to Michiru's welcome, familiar warmth and closing her eyes.
END.
Author's Afterword
I have to be honest here and say that if not for my good friend Xrost, this story would not be half of what it is. She is a much funnier writer than me, and a lot of the best lines in this fanfic, as well as most of the scenario itself, came from her.
Both the segment from the Chinese dating gameshow and the weird gay porn are real videos I found on YouTube. The gameshow segment is actually pretty adorable – as soon as I stumbled across it I felt like I'd found Haruka's long-lost twin. I've taken a few liberties to better fit the segment into my fanfic, but most of the basic elements are unchanged – this guy liked a girl at his school who was really popular, and thus carried around an umbrella for months in the hope it would rain and he could offer her the umbrella and ask her out. If anyone is curious, a google/youtube search for "If you are the one (2014) - funny and nice segment (ENG SUB) p3" should bring it up, since that is the video title.
The porn I found by searching for something like "gay Japanese gameshow porn." The segment was set up as a challenge between a heterosexual male porn star and a gay guy, with the gay guy giving the straight guy a blow job to see if he could make him come. Despite being reported as an outrageous new show on a few Western websites, I came across someone who looked into it further and said it was basically a parody segment in a longer parody show, i.e., not a real thing. For the purposes of this fanfic, though, we'll pretend it was real, and shame on Luna for subjecting an innocent lesbian like Haruka to such filthy dreck.
On top of that, because I'm a terrible hack, I've pinched ideas and characters from at least two other anime series to write this story. I pretty much got the idea for Luna's mechanical mouse from the evil robotic doves used to control humans and cyborgs in Appleseed Ex Machina (it's a terrible film, don't watch it, though the whole city of Olympus is basically run by two lesbian Bioroid lovers, which is pretty cool [that last may not be canon, but as far as I'm concerned it is]).
I borrowed Shivariel from the Blue Drop anime, which, despite having a crazy-sounding premise, is actually a very good series. Basically, Blue Drop is set in a world where the earth is on the verge of being invaded by lesbian space aliens who are seeking for a way to continue their species (yes, you read that right), and the story revolves around a romance that develops between Mari, a human girl, and Hagino, one of the lesbian aliens who begins to question what her people are doing.
I find it hilariously appropriate to imagine that Haruka in particular inadvertently spared the earth of the Sailor Moon universe from a similar invasion by being so atrocious at courtship that the invading force decided there was no way the lesbians of earth could be turned into suitable mates, and moved on to find a better planet.
Hero by virtue of being a dramatically useless lesbian, if you will.
I've gotta say, even though it took me a few false starts before this fanfic really took off, once it did it was a helluva fun ride, and I can really only thank ottprompts for the original prompt that sparked this crazy fic.