Hey!
I found the idea for this fic a few days ago, as I was peeling potatoes to make lunch. And i don't know why, but it became an OS about the Avengers.
Warning: contains too many times the word "potato", 22 times to be exact (I have counted!).
Hope you'll like it (and you won't be disgusted of potatoes after reading this! xD)
«The world is under the threat of a psychopath AI which wants to create an army of robots and sub AI, helped by two twins optimized no less dangerous and what we're doing? We're staying put in a farm, in the middle of nowhere and peeling off potatoes!" complained Tony, holding a potato in one hand and a peeling knife in the other.
"Well, maybe you and Dr Banner will think twice before doing another of your half-baked experiments", replied calmly Steve, not looking at him, throwing angrily a peeled off potato in the pan.
Tony huffed.
"Nah, seriously, why the hell are we making dinner?"
"Because Laura is pregnant, and it's shameful to let a pregnant woman take charge all the chores, especially when she's hosting six extra grown up people."
"Always the gallant one, aren't you? Can you picture yourself doing something other than helping damsels in distress and sheltering the widow, the pregnant mother and the orphaned?"
Steve didn't answer and took another potato. Two minutes passed, in an utter silence. It was way more than Tony could last without talking. He wouldn't have shut his mouth if Clint's house had better equipment for music. Or at least some Wi-Fi. But the archer had to be a hippy or an anti-globalist for not having those in his house. The billionaire playboy couldn't live without his Wi-Fi and all his stuff. If they let him take a decision, they would have got in a city, and not in the asshole of the USA. He's never been in a farm before, and he intended to spend as little time as possible in this place, since his fellow superheroes demanded him too many sacrifices.
"Why me?" he eventually whined.
"Because Clint is repairing whatever hole in his roof, Thor is collecting eggs, when Dr Banner and Natasha are cleaning the house."
"Of course, I should have guessed. No, seriously, why did you force me to work with you and not another person?"
"Because I don't really want you to stay alone with Dr Banner anymore."
"Are you afraid we manage to create a new AI with straw and wood and some chunks of metal?"
Steve didn't reply and focused on his potato.
"Ah yeah, it's true that it was a better choice to leave him with Romanoff. I bet she's traumatizing my poor Science bro."
"Your Science bro?"
"Yup."
Just when Tony was going to explain the origin of the nickname, Steve shrugged his shoulders and preferred peeling off the potato rather than listening to his exciting life and the interesting experiment he had done with Bruce. Too bad for him. He would never know about the time they created tiny replicas of the Avengers and the workers of SHIELD (the one that looked like Fury and was always saying "Gentlemen, you're up! We get ready!" while throwing his punch was hidden in a box under a table. In the same box was a Coulson figure. Bruce didn't like it, but Tony was laughing his ass out when the agent's replica said "Mr. Stark, we need to talk. This is urgent", since the replica looked as stuck up as the original), the multiples and no less funny incidents that happened when they were creating Veronica or the time they discovered the nyan cat meme was one of the things that the Other Guy hated the most.
It was a little difficult to perfectly peel the potatoes. There weren't at all like the perfectly oval potatoes he bought from the supermarket but were super long with a lot of bumps and excrescences and full of mud. Either it was a creation of Clint; either it was the fact that he used cow's dung as a fertilizer that gave them this form.
"Would've been easier to cook green beans," he grunted, as he almost cut his fingers with the peeling knife.
"And how could you possibly know that?" asked the super soldier, looking at him with a quirked eyebrow.
"Because I do cook, from time to time."
The captain's eyes widened and he gaped briefly, before regaining his composure. Then his eyes went back to the potato. Tony had enough of those filthy tubers: how the fuck could one pay more attention to them than to him? How could they be more interesting than him, the genius billionaire playboy philanthropist who had saved the world more than once, whereas all those tubers had done was to stay buried in the mud and the dung? It was really unfair.
"I didn't know you cooked."
There are countless things you don't know about me, he almost replied. You really need to learn how to keep some details of your life secret, cap.
"Why? Being a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist doesn't mean I can't prepare myself a nice meal from time to time."
Steve gave him a quick stare before staring back at his potato. Tony rolled his eyes.
"Okay, it's not like I'm a super chef whose restaurant received three stars, but I know how to cook properly a meal. Not just a steak and pasta. And quite frankly, I think I'm not a bad cook."
The super soldier snorted, a smile tugging at his lips.
"What? If you don't believe me, all you have to do is to ask Pepper, or Bruce. Though he's a better cook than me. Ever tasted his curry?"
"I am absolutely sure that they'll give us impartial opinions", said Steve with a hint of irony in his voice.
"Hey! At least, I don't burn my whole kitchen when I want to cook something!"
Bingo. Steve was finally interested in something else than the tubers. He raised his head, waiting for him to continue this story. However, he hadn't stopped peeling the potato he was holding, and Tony wondered how the man didn't cut himself during this.
"You know people who burn the whole kitchen when they cook?"
"Well, you being a super soldier and a super cook doesn't mean everyone is as perfect as you."
"Who burnt the whole kitchen?"
"Aw come on, Cap, and use that brain of yours. I wouldn't talk of a person you don't know. Among the people we know, which one is more likely to burn a whole kitchen?"
"Err… Fury?"
Tony rolled his eyes, dropping his potato in the pan. He also dropped his.
"A super spy, who burn the kitchen when cooking? I forgot it was the ultimate degree of discretion!"
"Ah, it's Thor, then. When did he burn his kitchen? Have you been with him to Asgard?"
"Of course not! Though I am sure this would be a very interesting trip. I always dreamt of collecting extraterrestrial metals. Nah, he wanted to prepare himself a hot dog, but he forgot the sausage in the pan and I suppose he panicked after. When Bruce and I got back there, my kitchen looked worse than Bagdad and Thor was standing in it, very awkwardly, trying to hide Mjolnir behind his back. I don't know how a brilliant scientist such as Jane Foster can bear him."
"I hope the kitchen insurance allowed you to repair this without spending too much."
"Wait? The kitchen insurance? What kitchen insurance?"
Tony was dumbfounded. This was the first time he heard about something like that, and he didn't like not knowing something about the Avengers' tower. He thought it was a joke of the captain (even though he had a different meaning of humor), but he stared right in his baby blue eyes and found no trace of lie in it. The blonde man was just unable to lie properly, so this whole kitchen insurance thing wasn't an invention.
"Who talked to you about it?"
"Err… Maria?"
Of course. He should have guessed. Since the ex-SHIELD agent was the HR managers of Stark Industries, she had become a close friend to Pepper, and the two of them got well along.
"OK, I guess I need to have a talk with Pepper later."
Steve laughed and Tony gave him a glance.
"No, I swear I know how to cook an edible meal! I can show you now, if you like!"
"Yeah, why not!" replied Steve, still smiling. "But first, you need to peel off the pota…"
The blonde's eyes widened and he gaped in shock. He even dropped his peeling knife.
"What the hell are you doing?" the captain asked after he regained his composure.
"I'm peeling potatoes," replied the self-proclaimed, as it was evidence (it was indeed).
"No you aren't!" retorted the captain.
Tony showed the small pile before him, with the peels of the potatoes.
"Then what is it, then? I may not be a specialist in botanic and domestic stuff, but I know what a potato looks like!"
Even though this one looks more like a potato victim of gamma radiation, he added in his head.
"I'm not saying it's not potato, I'm just saying you're butchering them rather than peeling them!"
The younger man looked down to his pile. It was true that his peels were thicker than Steve's, but he would never admit it. He would also never admit that the captain was way more efficient with the peeling knife than he was.
"I think this isn't bad. Thor would have done worse."
"We aren't talking about Thor, we're talking about you!"
"What about you? A man that peels off potatoes so perfectly, efficiently and attentively sure has a problem in his head!"
"If you had spent several days a week in an army's camp kitchen peeling potatoes for the military, then you would have known how to peel off potatoes correctly!"
Tony rolled his eyes.
"No need to fret because of this, Cap. Really. Those peelings can still be saved."
"Oh yeah, it's true", said Steve, his blue eyes gave him a cold stare. "I have forgotten you were a genius. What are we doing with your peelings?"
"Huh… Purée will do?" suggested Tony.
He got no answer from the captain, who was trying to get some more potato's flesh from Tony's pile.
"OK, so maybe we could do some French fries? I am pretty sure that the kids would love it."
"Tony, they are children! They must eat healthy!"
"Then what do you want to give them? Boiled potatoes with boiled meat and boiled broccolis and boiled beans? Come on, it's so simple, so and so disgusting! We need a comforting meal after our defeat, and French fries are just perfect for that! Besides, we can always do a small salad, so they eat some vegetables!"
"FRENCH FRIES!" yelled Cooper, who had entered the kitchen earlier to drink some water.
"But…"
The boy took the empty glass and began to bang it on the table, yelling in rhythm:
"FRENCH FRIES! FRENCH FRIES!"
"See?" said Tony, smiling widely in victory. "My idea of a dinner is more a plebiscite than yours!"
"Are we really eating French fries tonight?" asked Cooper, stars in his eyes.
"Of course we are!" the self-proclaimed genius said, before Captain Morals could say a word.
"With steak?"
Tony nodded.
"Yeah! Thanks you're the best Avenger!"
'The best Avenger' turned around and smiled even more widely to Steve. He wanted to piss him off, and he knew exactly what to ask for that:
"Better than captain America?"
Maye it was pushing his luck too far. He already had surprises with kids, which were even more hurtful, because most of the tie children were being sincere and innocent.
"Definitely better!"
"Better than your dad?"
"Sure! Dad doesn't cook French fries. He prefers to cook us some purée."
Fortunately, Clint wasn't with them. It would have surely broken his heart. Or broken Tony and Steve's teeth when Hawkeye would learn about that. He would more likely also accuse them of corrupting his son.
"OK, I surrender," sighed Steve, raising his arms, so as to surrender, slightly smiling, but shooting Tony daggers with his eyes. "It'll be French fries and steak tonight."
"YAY! THANKS, CAP! YOU'RE THE BEST AVENGER!"
"Hey!" protested Tony, not as pleased with the boy's words as the captain was. "I thought I was the best Avenger ever!"
"Huh… You're ex aequo?" offered the hawkling.
"Guess that it will do," mumbled the Stark, not liking the fact someone considered him equal to Captain America. Why didn't they see he was superior to his fellow?
Meanwhile, Cooper had exited the kitchen and was singing at the top of his lungs "WE'RE EATING FRENCH FRIES TONIGHT!", soon joined by Lila.
"I take care of the steaks, you do the French fries," ordered the blonde, not as unpleased as he was some minutes ago.
"I can prepare the salad if you want," offered Tony.
"Suit yourself. But you're definitely not peeling off the tomatoes, cucumbers and peppers. Leave that to me."
Once more Tony rolled his eyes and sighed. He was sure he would hear this story again and again.
Just for the sake of the anecdot, in France, there's a "cliché" about military: when they're not efficient enough during their exercises, they have to go in the kitchen and peel potatoes. And since, according to what I have understood from the movie Captain America (which I have seen in German), Steve wasn't good at all during the exercises, I assumed he'd spent a lot of time in the kitchen peeling potatoes, so that's why he's more efficient and quicker than Tony.
Is there the same "cliché" for the US Army? or for another army? Lemme know!
Oh, and by the way, leaving a review would be nice :D