Filthy FrankTV, The Slavic Saga.
Chapter 1: Loomings
(For those interested, this Saga is set fairly early in the Filthy Frank lore. Somewhere just after the first group Chin Chin sacrifice in 2013, but before Dade's death.)
Realm: 16.9, Chernobyl Wastes.
200,000 CH.
The sun shone down onto the barren earth, vastly obscured by a haze of grey clouds and background radiation. Chernobyl stood desolate before all that might observe it. This was the epitome of a wasteland. Skeletal trees protruded from the dirt like the fingers of corpses, the blackened husks of rural dwellings were dotted sporadically around the landscape, and far in the distance, beyond a causeway of shit-brown mud, lay the irradiated city, itself partially hidden by a forest of slim green vegetation. Nothing stirred. The wind blew across the vast, un-interrupted landscape between ticks of the Geiger counter, and for miles in every direction, skeletons and automobiles sat rotting in their final resting places.
Truly, there were few places in the Omni-verse that proved as dull as the Chernobyl Wastes. There were multiple versions of the Chernobyl Wastes, of course, all occupying their respective dimensions on the cosmic map. The Chernobyl nuclear disaster was a Universal constant because Ukrainians were, as a species, too stupid to keep a nuclear reactor stable for very long. Their innate drunkenness and overall lethargic attitude towards maintaining a demanding source of renewable energy inevitably ended in cataclysm. All that was left now was an embarrassing skid-mark on the underside of the Omni-verse's pant cloth, without anything of value to offer visitors.
Indeed, any travellers purposely arriving in The Wastes, would have to be mentally retarded to some greater or lesser degree, and so it was no surprise that Safari Man and Ian IDubbbz had chosen it as their holiday destination.
Several miles outside of the city centre an oaken cabinate, which was hidden in a collapsed stone hovel, suddenly began to vibrate. Then, quite abruptly, it's doors swung open, and Safari Man jumped out onto the cobbled stones, dragging a deck chair behind him.
He beamed at the surrounding shitty landscape and began slapping sunscreen onto his pasty chink skin.
"Uwa ̄ ! Kore wa subarashī! (Wow! This is wonderful!)" He yelled in his obnoxious tourist voice, making sure to rub the sunblock deep into his sweaty folds, despite that fact he was still wearing his characteristic red Hawaiian shirt.
There was a low moaning sound from the cabinate, and the emaciated figure of Ian emerged from the dimensional gateway and rolled onto the ground. After catching his breath, he jumped up, cleaned his glasses and squinted around him.
"Hey, this is pretty shit!" He said, casually kicking a skull that was lying outside the ruined house.
"You know, I might not understand you Safari Guy, but this place you picked is pretty cancerous! Maybe we can have some fun here, after all."Safari man cackled with laughter and pointed towards the horizon; Ian saw the tall concrete high-rises in the distance.
"Anata wa sore o itta, hoteru ni ikimashou. Kochiradesu! (You said it, let's go to the Hotel. This way.)" Said Safari Man, and he started walking through the sparse trees with the deck chair clattering behind him.
Ian trod after him, adjusting his backpack for a more comfortable fit. He was glad that he'd taken this opportunity to get away from Realm 6.2 for a while. Dimensional travel was something that he had surprisingly little experience in and, rather than take a visit to Nigeria, or the Yulin Dog Festival like he usually did, Ian had decided to lose his dimensional virginity by plunging into another realm entirely. Of course, the holiday wasn't Ian's only reason for journeying across dimensions. For a long time now, the Gay Retard had had a massive man crush on Safari Man, and he was excited to be alone with him at long last. Surely now, he would be able to confess his feelings for the shambling retarded tourist and have his love be accepted. Here, under the stars and radioactive haze, they could finally gaze into each other's eyes and realise what it meant to connect with another sub-human troglodyte. They would be able to hold hands, whisper sweet nothings to one another, and take turns mashing each other's buttholes with their throbbing purple cocks. At least, that was Ian's hope.
Safari Man found the main road and climbed up a high dirt bank to reach it. Ian struggled, but the lean tourist grabbed his arm and pulled him onto the cracked asphalt. For the briefest of moments, they touched skin, and Ian's slim body was electrified. He smiled and looked away.
"Thanks big man, what's next?" Safari man just threw his head back and laughed.
"Haha! Kono yō ni, ian. Haha, anata wa kūki-chū no kinzoku o ajiwaimasu ka? Sore wa hijō ni ukketsudesu (Haha! This way, Ian. Haha, do you taste metal in the air? It is very nauseating.)
Together they walked the long road to Chernobyl, little dreaming that they were being watched.
Blyat / Lazlo
Realm: 16.9 (Chernobyl Wastes) / Realm: 16.9 (Chernobyl Wastes)
Special Attack: Vodka Belch. / Special Attack: Squat Suplex.
Two gopnik Slavs stared at the intruding couple from behind a dilapidated van and contemplated on what to do next. They were dressed in dark blue Adidas tracksuits, with white scuffed sneakers and gas masks stretched over their bald heads. They spoke to each other in muffled, bastardized Russian and began shuffling out of cover, their glassy circular eyes gleaming in the dull Ukrainian sunlight.
It was time to dispense with these flagrantly homoerotic intruders.