Life Isn't The Party We Hoped For

But while we are here...

We might as well Dance

"I just want to light your cigarette."

"Okay. But now you can fuck off."

Blair hated herself.

It wasn't like it was a secret. Really, the only reason people didn't know is because they didn't look beyond the pretty rich girl with so many friends and great shoes to really see her. But she hated herself more than she hated Cyrus Rose, her mother's fat, ugly husband. She hated herself more than she hated Ginny or whatever her name was, the balloon-boobed skank Nate had ditched her for. She hated herself more than she hated the fact that she was a seventeen-year-old virgin, more than worrying about Yale.

People were stupid.

Geez, did they think they made herself throw up because she enjoyed it? Fuck, she was bulimic and no one even cared. No one wanted too. Every smile, every compliment, every "you look great!"...they were all just another slap in the face to her. Couldn't one of these people, fucking one of them, just tell her they didn't want her to hurt herself?

Serena didn't like that she did it. But she didn't say anything. Blair loved her best friend, but she knew that Serena wouldn't help her out if she could help herself first. And that was what Serena was too busy doing all the time to stop just once and ask Blair to cut it out.

Blair's phone rang. She picked it up without looking at the number.

"Hey."

Blair's stomach convulsed. Nate. Sexy, sweet Nate. Why was he calling her? She'd told him to get lost at Serena's New Years Eve party. But she hadn't meant it.

She didn't want him to ever leave her.

Be Audrey. "What do you want?"

"Blair, I'm really sorry if...I mean...Can we talk?"

Her heart jumped. Her head pounded. She needed a drink. "I suppose so."

"Sheep's Meadow, this afternoon?" Nate suggested.

"I'll be there." Blair agreed. "What did you want to talk about?"

"Blair, you know that I..." Nate trailed off. Typical Nate. He was gorgeous and rich and sexy, but he wasn't really that strong. He never just came out and said what he was thinking. That's why she'd agreed to see him, even though she didn't want too.

"I love you Blair." Nate said finally. Then the line went dead

Blair showered, straightened her hair, put on a nice top and her favourite jeans. She made herself throw up twice. She caught a cab to Sheep's Meadow.

She saw Nate.

She wished she could throw up again.