Summary: The many times China had to deal with being killed.
Set during the Emperor Era (whichever era that is), and contains absolutely no historical accuracy. This is just something that I wrote for my amusement.
Inspired and loosely based on fan made comics/memes that I came across in the wide and endless sea known as internet.
WARNING: Light descriptions of gore
Disclaimer: If I own Hetalia, I would've make the Southeast Asian Nations canon-
China was peacefully sitting by the steps of his house, enjoying the cool breezes that occasionally came. By his side was a tray which rested a mug filled to the brim with steaming tea- a herbal tea, he might add. One that was a gift from his current Emperor.
Naturally, China was ecstatic. Finally, after dozens of awfully aggressive Emperors, he had one that was fairly reasonable and knew manners. Oh, how he longed for ones that show him respect.. And his wish was answered, at last.
Slowly, he took the mug to his lips, inhaling the smell of mixed herb that contained wonderful healing effects-
China exhaled deeply. His face contorting into one of utter disappointment. He gazed upon the not so innocent liquid in front of him sadly, his previous happiness dissipating into thin air, not unlike the warm steam of his tea.
"Is it really too much to ask for an Emperor that doesn't try to kill me?"
"How are you still alive?"
"..I already explained-"
Unfortunately for China, the 'ruler' of his land took his split second pause in answering as a sign to attack. Now, China was an excellent fighter- being alive for over a thousand years would do that to you-, and a basic attack such as a thrown knife was a child's play to him. But you see, he was still quite dizzy from losing over a half of his blood from the recent battle that took place no longer than three hours ago, so he would deem it perfectly acceptable that he didn't dodge the clearly incoming weapon aimed right at his heart.
In the short moment it took for the knife to sail through the air, China could only think of one thing,
Why.
China stared at the clear blue sky above. It was so bright, fitting for an afternoon of the summer season. In this type of days, he usually spend it by walking among the bamboo forest surrounding his house, or maybe by sleeping under a tree shade if he felt like he needed the rest. Eating sweets and drinking tea while watching the panda cubs playing around was also one of his favorite activity for the season. So many relaxing things to do in summer..
His musings were abruptly interrupted by a heap of dirt thrown into his slightly agape mouth, which he immediately spit out as best as he could. Right, back to reality.
"Now that was rude! Did you really have to shove it into my mouth?" He called out as he spit out the rest of the dirt to his side- the best that he could manage for the time being. If only his body wasn't paralysed.
No reply came, as he expected. So he followed through with another comment, exhaustion and slight amusement lacing his tone. "Try as much as you like, but I won't die." unless the land he represent disappeared- but no one needed to know that little piece of information. And certainly not this absolutely polite and hard working youthful man standing by the grave-sized hole China was laying in.
Once again, no answer whatsoever. Except if the shoveling sound was an answer, then yes.
Ah well, maybe he did need the rest.
"I'll see you tomorrow morning, then- gah! Stop throwing them into my mouth already!"
China loved forest- all kinds of forest. No, he loved nature in general. From the kinds of nature that could kill you in a matter of seconds, the kinds that would make you melt inside from how precious they were, to the ones that just made you question life. He loved all of them. In fact, he loved them so much, that he wouldn't mind bleeding out in the middle of forest filled with ferocious wildlife, so long as he could appreciate his surroundings. Mother Nature was the best, after all.
..Was he even making sense anymore at this point? Oh well. Maybe the blood loss was starting to get to him.
He sluggishly looked up when he heard the bushes in front of him rustling, and promptly beamed once he saw the newcomer. "Ah, nǐ hǎo! Are you enjoying the scenery too?"
The newcomer hissed at as it slowly slithered toward him with the grace that only predators possessed, its eyes never leaving his prone body on the ground.
"I see.. I like taking a walk! Oh! A-are you hugging me? Thank you, I like hugging too!"
Truly, the blood loss was getting too far into his head. And maybe the bright sun, too.
"You people are so uncreative." China commented with whatever air left in his lungs. He rolled his eyes as he felt the rope around his neck tighten, cutting off even more of his oxygen.
He knew he shouldn't have heeded the summoning. Now he had to waste hours- precious hours of his life- to let this man try to end him, when he could do something productive such as cleaning his storage. He couldn't even remember the last time he stepped foot in there. Surely it was already in dire need of cleaning.
"At least three people before you had tried strangling me." He continued nonchalantly, eyes taking in the cracks in the wooden walls around them in boredom. Though he had to grit out the words, his voice was as relaxed as ever. "And the results were all the same."
The person behind him grunted angrily, but no words of reply followed.
"Ah, the silent type?" China tilted his head to the side. His sight was now decorated with black spots, and he could feel himself becoming lightheaded as the seconds passed. But he was used to this- far too used. He would just have to pass this for the time being. "Most of them were the same too."
"Japan, I'm home~!"
Said nation quickly stepped out to the front door to greet his older sibling, a basket of radishes in his arms. The corners of his lips twitched upwards in the begining of a smile,"Welcome back, Ch- China-san!?"
The basket promptly fell to the floor once Japan saw the condition the older nation was in, spilling its contents everywhere. But young nation couldn't bring himself to care, for the sight in front of him was far more important. He stared at the innocently looking China, eyes wide and mouth agape. "W-what happened to you?!"
China merely waved the surprised and concerned look away, smiling cheerfully. "Just the usual. I'm okay, though. This is only a small scratch. Hey, can you prepare the bath? I want to clean up as soon as possible."
Japan could only watch numbly as China moved to slip off his sandals before walking into the house, not seemingly fazed at all. He said quietly to the disappearing figure, knowing full well that his words wouldn't be heard. "..A split open midriff is not a small scratch.."
"You know," China dawdled with all the enthusiasm of a being who had lived for thousands of years, "the cutting off all my limbs is pretty creative. The leaving me to bleed part? Not so much."
"How in the world-? Oh, will you ever die!?"
"I myself am wondering about that, actually."
China took in his surroundings, something akin to childish curiosity in his gaze. "Huh," he pulled at the rope tightly wound around his arms, testing the strength of the binding, never minding the flames that started to flick into existence before him. "Burning me alive, huh? Now that's new. Surprisingly. Wha- hey! Don't burn my hair first! No! Leave my hair alone!'
Clear seawater left his mouth as he coughed his lungs out, fist thumping away at his chest. He paused in a coughing fit, wiping away at is chin, and addressed the bewildered man before him, "Did your predecessor contact you from realm of the dead? Just because burning me didn't work, doesn't mean drowning me will."
China stared blankly at his torso, all manner of emotions seemed to have left him as he slowly lifted his arm, revealing the shredded silk cloth bathed in red substance. "Yes, well, congratulations. You destroyed yet another one of my clothes."
"This is getting really tiring.. Oh, you! Yes, you! The one up on the tree! Move your bow a little to the left, or else it won't hit my heart."
"Yeesh, so barbaric. Is this how you killed the last emperor? Yikes, I feel bad for the one who had to clean that up."
"I forgot to tell you, poison won't have any effect on me whatsoever. I appreciate the effort, though."
"Young man, I taught you better than this! Now look at what you've done; the perfectly fine spear is broken beyond repair! Not to mention all this blood!"
"YEOWCH! OW-! Hey! If you want to cut my hand off, at least do it in one clean cut! Do you know how much it hurts for a blade to nick the bone?"
"Listen here; you can try to kill me all you want, I won't stop you. In fact, I'm honored that you would spend so much time on me. It made me feel much much more important than I actually am. But, you see, though I let you have all the freedom you want in finding ways to kill me, there is still one line that you absolutely cannot pass. Never. For if you cross it, I will not hesitate to kill you where you stand right now." As an emphasis, China threw the knife in his hold to the ground, right beside a pair of trembling legs.
"Fortunately, you just barely touched the line! So, I will find it in my old and shriveled heart to forgive you. And to prevent this from happening ever again, I'll tell you what you shouldn't ever do;"
China glared, his eyes gleaming dangerously as he said painstakingly in low voice, "Do not touch my food. Ever."
The man sprawled on the ground didn't answer, but the scared and wide-eyed expression on his face was enough for him.
China knelt down, gathering the box's spilled contents, and salvaging as much of the dirt-covered grilled fish as he could. He then rose to his feet, looking down at the so called ruler with a wide smile.
"Then, good day, your Majesty."
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Sometimes, in a very rare occasion in his life, South Korea wondered; did someone up there enjoyed watching him suffer?
Because right now, right at this very moment, he sure felt like it.
"Ah, Yong Soo, hold my head a little steadier, would you?"
"A-ah, y-yes," South Korea stammered, and did as was told.
Through the reflection of the mirror in front of them, he could see China smiling at him. "Thank you." The ancient nation said.
South Korea gulped, quickly bowing his head as he stuttered another reply, "Y-yes, of c-course."
"Xiang, please tilt the mirror a bit to the left."
Hong Kong quietly murmured, "Alright," and adjusted his hold on the mirror, the youngest nation also not so discreetly hid his face behind the reflective glass as he did so. South Korea noticed the paleness on his face, and felt sympathy for him. After all, this was the first time for Hong Kong to experience this. Korea too, knew how nauseating it was the first time. Even now, he couldn't get used to it.
Though, the nation beside him seemed awfully calm and collected..
"Sorry, Kiku, but could you please sew this area? I can't see the back of my neck clearly."
"Hai," answered the monotone nation. Japan then took the offered needle, slowly releasing his hold on China's right side. South Korea promptly changed his hold so that he could fully support China's body. Once that was done, Japan carefully put the needle in and continued where China had left off, his face as straight as ever.
'How?' South Korea mouthed, watching in disturbed fascination as the needle went through the skin again and again.
Vaguely, a strange sound akin to a gagging noise came from behind the mirror.
Japan's dull brown eyes flicked over to Korea. 'I'm used to this.' mouthed the nation, his hands moving with nimbleness and accuracy that only came from experience.
South Korea shivered, feeling an odd coldness traveling down his spine. He wasn't sure which was more disturbing; the fact China had his head cut off and was still as cheerful as ever, or the fact that Japan didn't even show a single emotion as he sew China's head back to his neck.
One thing for sure, his family was made up of very odd people.
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A/N: Oh, Yong Soo.. you haven't seen everything.
(And yay to my first published Hetalia fanfic~!)
So, I still feel a little weird with some of the scenes, and the humor (if you could call it that) is kinda, well, not-so-humory? But overall, I'm actually rather satisfied with how this turned out. And maybe a teensy tiny bit proud for completing this, because I've had this draft in my drive for months now. Hopefully with this I'll get the motivation to finish my other in-progress Hetalia oneshots..
And for people who might've read my other stories: Yes, I am alive. Yes, I haven't updated in a long time. Yes, I'm being lazy- but that's also because I hit writer's block! If fate lets it, I will continue them. If not.. well, I just hope for now.
Thanks a lot for reading!
[This story is also posted in Hetalia Amino under a different name by Rheina (me)]