AN: My entry for the Les Femmes Noires contest.

Summary: As Bella spirals into her depression she becomes sick of the very things that once held cherished memories for her.

Les Femmes Noires One-Shot Contest

Title: Reminders

Your pen name: Fourwords

Characters: Bella

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight

To see other entries in Les Femmes Noires Contest, please visit the C2 page:

.net/community/Les_Femmes_Noires/73127/

I prithee send me back my heart,
Since I cannot have thine;
For if from yours you will not part,
Why, then, shouldst thou have mine?
~John Suckling

It will be as if I'd never existed.

Somehow no matter how many times I've heard his words echo softly in my mind, I can't believe them. Each time they repeat my thoughts go completely blank and focus on that small sentence right before the pain hit's me again and again.

I cannot trust his words; they are nothing more than a lie. How could I possibly forget him? It's hard for me to even think his name but somehow I manage to make myself think it.

Edward.

He is truly unforgettable. And that makes it so much harder.

The heartbreak is unbearable, I managed to drag myself through my daily routine as always but now I did it with a blank face as I retreated further into myself. When he left it hurt so much, I'd never have believed such emotional pain could exist up until now. I don't know what hurts more, that he might never have cared about me or… that he stopped. Neither is better because in the end I'm still left alone.

But today was just one of those days where everything I did reminded me of him; normally I ignored everything around me but not today. Every song I heard in the background reminded me, the love filled stares I saw my classmate's exchange, his empty chair next to me in class. Each subtly reminding me of what I've lost… of what I never truly had in the first place.

I don't understand how Edward could assume I would heal, move on and forget. It seemed impossible for me, the last few months have turned my world upside down, there's no going back.

He had tried his best to remove any evidence of his existence; he took my Birthday presents and my photo's of him. I realised with a shock that in all the time I was with Edward I had owned just three photos of him. All of which I barely owned for a few days before he stole them… along with my heart.

I felt the pain sweep over me, threatening to pull me under and consume me. I tried desperately to keep it at bay, if I lose too much control over my emotions I doubt I would ever resurface from them and Charlie would either send me to Florida or maybe even hospitalise me.

I was stuck. Doomed to forever be haunted by a memory, one that was already pushing me closer to the edge of my limits. Edward could never take my memories away, he can take my photos and presents but he can't remove the scar I still have on my wrist. The strongest evidence I have that he exists somewhere. I stroked my fingers over the cool skin, over the teeth marks. James teeth marks. Edward's teeth marks in the exact same place.

I let myself choke out a cry as I pulled myself off my bed; again I barely slept last night. Every night I would cry until I drifted to sleep only to be tormented by nightmares which would make me wake up screaming. Charlie used to run in every time I screamed; now he ignores them.

I've never felt so alone, completely cut off from everyone else. Alice was my best friend, Emmett was like a brother, Carlisle and Esme where almost like second parents to me and I loved Edward with all my heart. And now they're gone.

I felt an almost uncontrollable rage seep through me, it flared up inside me as I thought how unfair it all was. Edward still owned me. He always would. My heart would belong to him for eternity even if I would never live that long. And there was nothing i could do about it.

Love was a powerful gift, the most intimate and rewarding thing a person could give you. I had wrapped my heart up, stuck on numerous bows and ribbons and practically thrust it at Edward without realising that I might not receive one in return. It never made sense that he would love me, I guess I had been right all along.

I stared aimlessly out of my window which was always thrown open as far as it would go, in the desperate hope that when I wake up in the mornings everything would just have been a horrible nightmare. Every night before I tried to sleep I would stare at the window for a few moments, hoping that suddenly I would feel Edward's cool hand against my cheek. I never did but I couldn't bare to close it.

It shouldn't be like this.

I shouldn't have to wake up and feel nothing but the pain of heartache, I shouldn't have to wonder what I did wrong, I shouldn't have to be reminded of him at every little twist and turn. Life was cruel. I wanted to escape the pain, get away from the pain and misery I was left in by Edward's departure.

I couldn't think like that, I would never do such a thing to Charlie or Renee, I had promised Edward I wouldn't as well. Perhaps that was the difference between us, my promises meant something where as his didn't.

It seems a lifetime ago that he left, each day seems to lengthen, I do the same chores day in and day out but there is still too much time on my hands, too many seconds to recount what happened and be numb over it.

The same happened the next day, I dragged myself through everything with as little as communication as possible. I think Angela tried to talk to me, I ignored her. As Usual.

I had jumped when I saw Mike casually sitting in Edward's seat in biology, after the initial shock wore off and when my throbbing heart calmed I retreated into myself, I was fuming really, it annoyed me that Mike had tried to provoke a reaction from me to talk to him by sitting in Edward's seat. After months of seeing it empty and thinking for a second that Edward was in it almost made me collaspe in my biology class.

In the parking lot I nearly had a heart attack, a flash of bronze had danced infront of me, I recoiled in shock but nearly sobbed when I saw it was just a freshman with freshly dyed bronze hair. I had to make sure to stay away from that freshman student.

I couldn't stop shaking, it was the first time in months I had started paying attention to the things around me, I noticed a silver car parked a little way away from me, my heart leapt into my throat nearly choking me until I saw it wasn't a Volvo.

Once in my truck I hit my head against the steering wheel in frustration.

Without thinking I started the engine up and drove out of the lot, I didn't head home. Instead I followed the winding roads on the outskirts of forks, effectively leaving the town altogether, I drove for miles. I didn't have a destination; I was driving to clear my head.

I rolled the windows down and was assaulted by the cold crisp air, it whipped my hair into a frenzy but I didn't care. I refused to let myself think of him, for a little while I wanted some peace.

The sky was starting to darken now, the brilliant sun beginning to set, almost Twilight.

I froze.

"Twilight, again," he murmured. "Another ending. No matter how perfect the day is, it always has to end."

His words hit me like a brick wall, knocking me completely. I had been driving for hours; luckily I had been keeping my thoughts at bay… until now.

I wrapped my arm around myself, trying to hold it together, trying to keep my sanity in check. Desperate to not think anymore of him and also to break the horrible silence I went to slam my fist onto the old radio to get it working.

Just as my knuckles almost collided with it did I remember that it wasn't my old stereo installed in my dashboard anymore. I stopped myself to glance at it, it remained untouched, unused for months. It was the only thing Edward left with me. How had I forgotten it?

But at this moment I didn't want to remember it, it hurt too much.

My fist finally collided with it as the tears spilled over, I cried as i kept hitting and clawing at it until blood started to cake under my nails, eventually I pulled over and got out of the truck. I ran my bloodied hands through my hair before diving under the driver's seat in the cab. At the back of the seat my hands fumbled around.

I pulled the tool box out from the seat; Charlie had given it to me. Should I ever need a tool for something or try and get someone to fix the truck should it break down somewhere. It proberly wasn't very smart of Charlie to give me tools, in my uncapable hands it was a very dangerous move. I rummaged through until I found a screwdriver and other sharp and pointy silver instruments.

I got back into the cab slamming the door behind me. I was tired of reminders.

Using the screwdriver I drove it into the side of the stereo trying to prise it out. I jiggled it around trying to loosen it, banging the sides of the dashboard while hammering it. I muttered darkly under my breath as I worked to remove it.

Soon enough the small black box laid in my hands, wires creating a confusing tangle of red, yellow and black knots. It was unrecognisable now, a complete mess.

It was oddly comforting.

I felt exhausted, physically and emotionally drained, I put the box down and began the long drive home. I didn't look at the stereo or the massive gaping whole in my dashboard for the entire ride back.

I couldn't take any more reminders, I didn't need students that had the same shade of hair that Edward had or of his car, I didn't want to sit next to his empty chair everyday and stare at his empty lunch table. Although the stereo had been from Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie it was still connected to Edward. All reminding me of what I lost.

Although my drive out of town had taken hours on the way home i used various shoutcuts and mainroads, getting back in less than half the time. Once I pulled up outside the house I finally glanced at the broken stereo, I decided I'd take it inside with me. I couldn't explain why, perhaps because it was a sentimental tie to Emmett, the closest thing I'd ever had to a brother. I picked it and using most of my energy, got out of the truck.

I looked up to the sky, for once it was clear and although it was still early evening the sun had already set leaving darkness behind. The moon was high in the sky, a perfect silver orb with hundreds of tiny stars surrounding it. It was a beautiful sight, not one I normally witnessed within Forks.

The beauty of the night reminded me of Edward, he loved nights like these, I remember when I had marvelled at this sight when I had first come to forks. I had not expected it to compare to the wonderful sky views in Arizona but in Forks it seemed more beautiful. I remember the first night I saw something like this when I was with Edward, we stared at the stars for hours, in my silent thoughts I pitied the sky for it would never be as beautiful as Edward.

My thoughts turned back to something I had remembered that night, one of my favourite lines from Romeo and Juliet. At the time i had been feeling all romantic and cheesy, but it had been the brief period where I was completely and truly happy with Edward.

Come, gentle night; come, loving, black-browed night;
Give me my Romeo; and, when I shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night...

So many reminders of Edward, Romeo and Juliet, the starry sky, my classmates, my classes at school, my now ruined stereo, my scar, even my birthdays will bear horrible memories. I was certain that there was no moving on; each day was going to be filled with heartache and tears that would constantly drown me. I sighed deeply, letting the tears that were blurring my vision fall.

Slowly I walked back into the house, past the kitchen and up the stairs to my room. I softly clicked my door shut behind me, the stereo was still mangled in my hands, I hovered over the bin but I couldn't bring myself to drop it in. Instead I walked over to my computer and shoved the little black box onto a high shelf where i wouldn't spot it easily.

I would keep it because it had been a gift, not from Edward but from others. Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie. They had cared for me a lot less than what Edward had pretended to and even though it hurt to think of them, the pain was a lot duller than thinking of their brother.

After it was safely balanced on my shelf I went to my window where I put my hands on the ledge and leant out slightly taking in the view.

I breathed deeply, the cold fresh air clearing my head. The stars still shined brightly, I however did not want them to shine anymore, I wanted a plain sky, complete darkness with the moon hiding behind thick clouds. I wanted everything around me to be simple, dark, plain. Like me.

Sighing I stood up straight before yanking the window shut so hard the glass shuddered. I turned the small key in the lock then violently closed the old yellow curtains, blocking out the moonlight.

It was one less reminder and for the first time since that fateful day as I was enclosed in the darkness. I smiled.

AN: I hope you ejoyed reading it as much i as enjoyed writing it. x