Title: The 'Different' You Wanted
Author: AoiTsukikage
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairing: Finn/Kurt
Chapter: 1/1
Word Count: About 8400 (Oh, goodness…)
Spoilers: Up until 2x10
Notes: This fic was inspired by me wanting to do a drabble-prompt table for Glee, and I found one using flowers and what they 'mean.' Originally it was going to be separate stories, but once I started writing, it all became one long story broken into 30 themed sections :)
Summary: He'd thought that change would be a good thing, and maybe it's all a part of growing up, but he often wonders when he'd become so jaded.
Disclaimer: I, unfortunately, do not own these characters, no matter how sad that makes me. I do, however, promise to return them when I'm done with them. :)
The 'Different' You Wanted
01. Absinthe/Wormwood (Separation)
His first day at Dalton is, to put it mildly, a disaster. Sure, everybody seems really nice and Blaine is incredible and he doesn't get pushed or bullied or slushied once, but everything is so structured and stark that it makes him yearn for that one jacket of Mercedes' that, he still maintains, makes her look like a Technicolor zebra.
And he likes the uniform, he does, but he misses his wardrobe and thinks wistfully of the closet full of clothing back in Lima that he'll only get to wear occasionally, now.
This is better for him, though; he'd be a fool to think it isn't…all these nerves are just first-day jitters, that's all. He'll learn to love it here and won't think about WMHS or the Glee Club at all, because he won't need them.
He won't need Rachel pushing him to be the best, to be in constant competition with him.
He won't need Mercedes talking to him every day about cute boys or the new movie that's just come out or the afternoons they spent just hanging out at the mall, even if they never bought anything (after all, most of his possessions were ordered online; Lima, sadly, is not a central hub of fashion).
He won't need the rest of the Club, with their utterly separate personalities and welcoming attitudes and high-school drama and the fact that they really, really care…
He won't. And he definitely won't need Finn.
02. Anemone (Forsaken)
Okay, so it's really a bluff, but it's one of those things you hope won't be right until it turns out that it is.
After the first week, after the competition, nobody calls him, and he checks his phone constantly so he'll know if he missed anything.
What if they really have forgotten about him?
Even Mercedes, who used to call five times a day, hasn't called him since the transfer. Are they really that angry? Or is he just thinking far too much into this?
The phone ringing sends him scrambling for it and he holds it to his ear, exhaling shakily even though it's just his father. "H-hey, Dad."
They talk about mundane things; school and the shop and is his father eating properly, until he swallows and asks, almost in a whisper, "How's Finn?"
His dad assures him that Finn's doing great, and the phone nearly slides out of Kurt's suddenly limp fingers.
He hangs up soon afterward.
03. Carnation (Fascination)
Blaine, to him, is an enigma. They have so much in common and yet are so different that it, quite frankly, amazes him. Sometimes it's hard for him to imagine Blaine being subjected to the kind of discrimination he's received, but that's because Blaine seems relatively normal compared to him (although, since he can't say he's ever seen the other boy wearing something that isn't the school uniform, that may change).
But Kurt knows he's different, feels utterly self-conscious that everybody looking at him will know it, too, and if the face he puts up is somewhat snarky and egotistical compared to Blaine's utter calmness, that's just his way of dealing with the world.
"You look deep in thought."
He looks up at Blaine and gives him a half-smile, feeling the sofa dip as Blaine sits beside him.
"What's up?"
"Nothing. Just thinking," Kurt admits, and Blaine nods knowingly.
"About anything in particular?"
You, mostly, Kurt thinks, but saying that would just seem odd, so he shakes his head and stares at his hands.
"Anyway, it's getting late. We should head back," Blaine holds out a hand as invitation and Kurt takes it, letting the other boy pull him to his feet and out of the dark-walled room.
Yes, Blaine is an enigma, and as the dark-haired boy turns to smile at him, Kurt vows to himself that one day he's going to figure him out.
04. Chrysanthemum: Truth
"It's not that we're not thinking about you, my man. It's just that…we can't think about you too hard because then we'll miss you," Mercedes tells him the one time he finally breaks down and calls her.
"Oh."
"You think about us?"
Kurt wants to say no, but he's always had trouble lying to Mercedes, so he opts for being honest. "All the time. I miss you. All of you."
"I know, Kurt," she sounds genuinely sympathetic. "And I know that if it was up to you, you wouldn't have left. But right now you've gotta focus on being safe, so just think about that, okay?"
"Okay," he blinks, feeling tears coming on, and he angrily wills them away before asking the one question that's become rather commonplace for him. "How's…"
"Finn? He's okay. I mean, he's pretty broken up about Rachel…"
"Hang on, what with Rachel?" Kurt hasn't heard the news, yet, and he spends the next half-hour conversing with Mercedes about what had happened between Finn and Rachel.
For a moment, it's just like old times.
05. Cyclamen (Resignation/Goodbye)
"You need to accept that fact that you've left," Rachel tells him on another occasion that he slips back to WMHS and meets up with her in the theater. She's strangely subdued, but he puts that down to her fight with Finn, and she looks at him with soulful eyes and he almost, almost feels sorry for her.
"It'd be easier to accept if it was a choice," Kurt sits on the piano bench beside her, hands coming up as he plays some old song he'd learned years back.
"Regardless, it isn't something you can change," Rachel lays her hands over his when the song has faded to nothing, and he turns to look at her, finally seeing in her the same sense of loneliness and loss that he himself has felt many times. "And you know, Kurt, maybe neither of us were meant to have him."
"Don't say that," Kurt shakes his head, and his denial is as much for her as it is for himself.
"We just…" Rachel's eyes are moist, and Kurt can't stand to see her like this, because he can't be anything but sympathetic. "We just need to let him go."
"Rachel…" he draws her into a hug as she starts to cry, and wonders briefly how they've gone from competing rivals to grudging friends to…whatever this is.
"We can't give up," he whispers into her hair, even though her words have cut him deep, because in his heart he knows it's hopeless.
06. Daffodil (Unrequited Love)
He leaves the auditorium, feeling drained, and not looking where he's going until his feet lead him to Finn's locker. He puts his hand on the metal, feeling foolish, and leans against the wall.
"K-Kurt?"
He freezes, not wanting to turn around, but Finn, as usual, can't read his signals and comes over anyway. "Dude, have you been crying?"
"I'm okay," Kurt shakes his head. "I've gotta go."
"No, wait!" Finn grabs his wrist and pulls him closer. "Look, are we okay?"
"Yeah. Fine," Kurt sniffs and tugs his wrist away. "I've just…I need to go back."
"Kurt," Finn sounds broken, and Kurt forces himself to turn away, not wanting to see the look in Finn's dark eyes because he'll drown in them. "Kurt, please…"
"I'll see you at Christmas," Kurt takes a step, flinching as Finn spins him around and hugs him tightly. "Finn…"
"I really, really miss you, man," Finn says, and Kurt feels himself weakening as he hugs back, but he makes himself pull away after a moment.
"Christmas," Kurt promises, clasping Finn's hand to seal it before turning abruptly on his heel and striding briskly out of the school.
Rachel's right. Finn may love him, but it's not in the way he wants.
Maybe he needs to let him go.
07. Daisy (Innocence)
He wonders, as he starts the long trip back to Westerville, when he's become so jaded. Back in middle school it wasn't that he pretended he didn't care about what people thought; he honestly didn't care, and maybe teachers were stricter then, but he doesn't remember the bullying being as bad or the feeling of stark terror that now follows him whenever he walks the halls of his old school.
Now he doesn't look at the world as a place of wonder, but rather as a place of danger; every person on the street isn't a potential friend, they're a potential enemy.
And maybe this is growing up, and maybe he lost his innocence ten years ago when his mother died, but he's never wished more for the days of tea parties and 'sensible heels' and bicycle rides down idyllic streets than he is right now.
08. Eglantine (Poetry)
He thinks that his assignment is trying to tell him something.
Admittedly, analyzing poetry has never been a favorite pastime of his, but this is hitting altogether too close to home. He sighs and puts pen to paper, wondering where to start, as he skims the words:
Alone I had thought – yet soon a silent troop gathers around me
Some walk by my side, and some behind, and some embrace my arms or neck.
And he knows this feeling all too well, the feeling of desertion, of imagining his friends are there even when they're all-too-absent. Okay, simple enough; just don't think about it how it relates to you, he tells himself, and keeps reading.
Power enjoying – elbows stretching – fingers clutching
Armed and fearless – eating, drinking, sleeping, loving
He writes the next bit down, trying hard not to think of the images in his head at that part. It hurts too much.
O I know we should be brethren and lovers
And he slams the book shut. That hits far too close to home, and he thinks about how Finn's arms felt around him yesterday, even for a brief moment. He was foolish to think he was over Finn, because while absence may make the heart grow fonder, as the old saying goes, this is just making it ache.
He sets his pen down and leaves the book on the table, a shaft of sunlight spilling over the cover.
Maybe he just won't finish this assignment.
09. Fern (Magic)
"Does the school always go all-out?" Kurt asks Blaine as they walk down the hallway, taking in the glittering lights and strands of garland and even the humongous tree in the front foyer.
"Yeah. Christmas is kind of a big deal," Blaine shrugs like it's natural. "Your old school didn't?"
"Not really," Kurt replies. "At McKinley Christmas was about getting time off; some classrooms decorated and some didn't do anything at all."
"Well, your lot sure had holiday spirit," Blaine chuckles, and Kurt feels, like he often does, that sometimes Blaine sees the McKinley students as a different species altogether. "Why? Does it bother you?"
"No," Kurt stares at the lights on the Christmas tree, inevitably reminded again of the differences. Here, everything is once again structured: green with red trim and white bulbs. Last year Mr. Schue had tried to convince the Club to meet up at the mall and go caroling, which of course went about as well as you'd expect, but he swore that everybody must have gotten out the gaudiest sweaters they'd owned and the absurdity of the colors and styles (Brittany even had a Santa hat) was rather hard on the eyes.
He hates to admit it, but he misses that cacophony.
"Anyway, we should get to class," Blaine admires the tree for a few more moments before nudging Kurt gently in the side. "And you know, I've always felt there was something…magical…about Christmas," he adds with a grin, and Kurt can't help but smile back.
Yes, he thinks sadly, the decorations may be beautiful, but it's the people you love that make the holidays truly special.
10. Forget –me-Not (Memories)
The first Christmas after his mom died was the hardest, because he'd wanted to write to Santa that all he wanted was his mom, but his dad had told him that even Santa couldn't bring her back.
He stopped believing in Santa after that, even though he was still a child. After all, to somebody that age, if Santa can't help, nobody can.
That, he thinks, is probably the reason why he's never been as overjoyed about the holidays as everybody he knew; his mother had loved Christmas and it inevitably reminded him of her, even all these years later.
So as December comes and Christmas draws nearer, he thinks that maybe this year will be the hardest yet, because Finn will have had a month to get used to living with his father (after all, the first 'let's-all-live-together' go-round hadn't lasted too long), but he'll have no experience living with Finn and Carole.
Plus, his father knows he likes to be alone on Christmas; laying in the bedroom and inhaling the still-there aroma of his mother's perfume, but Finn and Carole will probably want to go play in the snow or make a huge dinner or something that normal families do, and he doesn't quite know how to break it to them that he doesn't feel all that festive on Christmas.
He flops back on the bed and sighs, hugging a pillow to his chest, and picks up his phone when it rings. "Hello."
"Hey, Kurt."
"…Finn?"
11. Gardenia ('I Love You' in Secret)
"Hey!" Finn sounds happy, and Kurt shifts the phone before rolling onto his stomach.
"Is something the matter?"
"Nah, I was just…I mean, mom and Burt were wondering if you wanted to come down this weekend? Apparently they've got a surprise for us, but they haven't told me what it is, yet. They said it can't wait 'til Christmas," Finn rambles off, and Kurt smiles at his enthusiasm.
"Finn, I promised I'd be there…"
"Christmas, yeah, but that's still like, weeks away, dude!" Finn protests. "C'mon. We all really want to see you."
"You do?"
"Yeah," Finn sounds subdued. "I like having you around; you know that."
"Yeah," Kurt echoes. "Well, I'll think about it. If I don't have too much homework, maybe…"
"Awesome! See you then!"
Finn hangs up before he can say that he didn't promise to come, but he can't help but smile at the phone after the fact, all of the things he didn't say being whispered to the air: I miss you and of course I'll come and I love you, and although the last one won't ever be said directly to the taller boy, that doesn't make it any less true.
12. Heather (Protection)
In the end, he goes home, although he plans for it to be a surprise, but by the time he's lying on the dirty, wet ground in the alley, uniform torn and soaked, most likely with bruised ribs, he thinks that maybe he should have told somebody, and he closes his eyes and hopes that they (they being a group of thugs from McKinley – not Karofsky, thank goodness – that decide to show him what 'they do to sissy boys who run away crying') get bored soon and leave him be.
"Hey, leave him alone!"
Kurt blocks out everything until he feels gentle hands touching his shoulders.
"Hey, man, they're gone."
He opens his eyes and tries to sit up, letting out a squeak as his ribs protest. "Are…are they…"
"Ran off. I didn't even have to do anything; I think they were just worried I'd call the cops on 'em or something…don't think they knew who I was, 'cuz I'm totally a man, but I don't think even I could have taken them all…"
"Puck. With all due respect, shut up," Kurt groans, and Puck looks ashamed before bodily lifting him up.
"Sorry, dude. We're close to yours, right?"
"Yeah," Kurt winces as they begin to move, and manages to choke out, "Why?"
"Why? Dude, you're my boy," Puck assures him. "And I promised to protect you."
"…Thank you," Kurt lets his head rest against Puck's shoulder and closes his eyes, eventually falling into a pain-induced stupor as Puck heads for his house.
13. Holly (Foresight)
He comes back to himself, lying in his bed, and his first panicked thought is that the admin at Dalton are going to kill him for what's happened to the uniform, because it's pretty much ruined, and…
"Hey."
"You're still here?"
And that comes out harsher than he would have liked, but Puck doesn't seem to care.
"It hasn't been that long. Look, Finn wants in but he's pretty agitated. Want to see him?"
"Why not?" he tries to prop himself up as best he can.
"Cool. I'll grab some painkillers or something for you, okay?"
"Thank you," Kurt gives the other boy a smile and Puck nods and leaves; a second later he hears Finn tromping down the stairs with his usual lack of grace as he rushes to the bed.
"Oh, God, Kurt…"
"I'm okay," Kurt says quickly.
"But…"
"No, it's my fault. I should have told you I was coming," Kurt leans back against the pillows. "If hindsight were foresight…"
"If what were what?"
"Never mind."
"Okay. You sure you're alright? Should we go to the hospital or something?"
"Finn, I'm fine," Kurt sighs in exasperation as Finn moves closer, reaching to take his hand. Kurt stares at their joined hands for a moment before Puck comes back down the stairs, a bottle in one hand and a glass of water in the other. "Thank you."
"No problem."
"Where're dad and Carole?" Kurt asks Finn, trying to manoeuver the pills one-handed as the other boy seems less-than-inclined to actually loosen his grip on Kurt's other hand.
"Out for supper, I think. Hey, you want anything to eat? Soup?"
"Soup would be n…" Kurt doesn't finish before Finn is up the stairs again, and he blinks as Puck settles himself back beside the bed.
"He really cares about you, dude."
"I know," Kurt isn't afraid to admit that, now, and he swallows the pills, knowing they might help with the ache in his ribs, but there's another ache in his chest right now that he doesn't know how to heal.
14. Iris (Faith)
Predictably, his father wants to go out and wreak vengeance on anybody who dares to touch his son, but Finn and Carole manage to calm him down enough that he eventually stalks upstairs to watch the game (and, Kurt thinks, yell ineffectual things at the players as if they can hear him. Apparently it's therapeutic).
"Are you sure you're okay, honey?" Carole asks, smoothing his hair back, and Kurt nods sleepily, closing his eyes and hearing her leave a few moments later.
"Kurt?"
"Hn?"
"Do you want me to…I mean, I know Puck's not gonna spill the beans or anything, but do you want anybody to know…" Finn trails off, and Kurt blinks open one eye to look at him.
"Just don't tell the girls. They'd be over here praying," he mutters, and Finn chuckles and takes his hand once more.
"I know we shoulda asked you before doing that, dude, but…it didn't hurt, did it?"
"No," Kurt concedes. "It's just…hard, believing there's a God when things like this keep happening."
"They'll get theirs," Finn sounds almost fierce for a moment before he lowers his voice again. "Like you said once, in thirty years you'll be famous and they'll be cleaning your septic tank."
Kurt laughs a little, but it hurts his ribs so he stops. "Hey, Finn? Can you….take my phone and call Blaine; let him know? I…I'd kind of like him to come here, if he could."
Truth be told, Kurt isn't exactly sure why he asked for Blaine, but the deed is done as Finn promises he will and takes the phone.
"Get some sleep, okay? I'll be back later."
"Okay," Kurt mumbles, falling asleep to the low sound of Finn's voice as he explains what has happened to Blaine.
15. Lily (Virginity)
Of course, word gets around fast in Lima even if nobody will admit to spreading it, and the next morning he finds Rachel sitting by his bed, staring at him with big, mournful eyes.
"Hey, Rachel."
"Kurt," she nods. "How are you feeling?"
"Better," he coughs to clear his throat before struggling into a sitting position. "Where's…"
"Finn? He…left. I suppose he doesn't want to be in the same room with me," she sighs dramatically before her hands come to smooth the bedclothes, tucking Kurt more firmly under the blankets. "I was meaning to ask you…you've known about Finn and Santana for a long time, right?"
"A few months."
"Were you…I mean, I was heartbroken when I found out he'd lied, but you…you seemed okay with it at Sectionals," Rachel tells him, the unspoken 'why' lingering in the air between them.
"I'm fine with it," Kurt admits, and the fact that he's been fine with it for a while is surprising even to him. "I don't know why, exactly, but it doesn't bother me the way I thought it would."
"So you…you don't think it's silly that I wanted it to be the first time for both of us?" she asks quietly, and Kurt knows this isn't the time to be anything but honest with her.
"Oh, sweetie, no; if I had my way, it'd be like that for me, too," he assures her, and she looks a little happier after that…and, quite frankly, he's still not used to 'nice Rachel,' so he feels the need to up the snark of the conversation a little. "And, for the record, we are so not hooking up just because we're both virgins."
She looks startled at that before she laughs and hugs him gently. "Thanks, Kurt. I'll leave you to rest, okay?"
"Okay," he waves goodbye as she ascends the stairs, wondering when he and Rachel did, despite everything, become friends.
16. Lotus (Mystery)
Blaine makes it to Lima Saturday evening, and Kurt is surprised to note that he is genuinely happy to see the other boy.
"Kurt? You okay?"
Kurt's a little tired of people asking him that, but he smiles and nods regardless. Blaine, as expected, is still in his uniform, and Kurt's really starting to question if he owns anything else.
"Your stepbrother told me what happened. You should have mentioned you were coming back this weekend; I'd have gone with you," Blaine tells him, clasping Kurt's hand between both of his.
"Wouldn't have wanted to trouble you," Kurt responds, and Blaine hurriedly assures him that it wouldn't have been any trouble at all, and there's something in his voice that makes Kurt pause and look at him a little more closely.
Blaine, despite his efforts, is still a mystery to him; he knows a little about his past, but certainly not as much as Blaine knows about his own, and sometimes he gets this sense of anger and frustration, like the other boy has let himself down at some point, but he doesn't feel close enough to him to bring up anything so serious yet.
"Anyway, I talked to your dad, and he's going to call the school and tell them you won't be in for a few days…"
"What? I can't miss school; I'm fi-" he rather stupidly tries to get out of bed, but he doesn't make it far before collapsing in pain. "Okay, I'm not fine."
"Just take it easy. I'll get your homework for you, and if we start any new songs I'll get the music, as well. Sound okay?"
"Yeah. Thanks. And…thank you. For coming all the way out here," Kurt smiles at him and Blaine gives his hand a squeeze, changing the topic to the latest issue of Vogue, which is something Kurt is all-too-happy to converse about.
17. Narcissus (Egotism)
"Dad, it's been five days. I think I'm well enough to make it back to Westerville," he protests when his father tells him that he's not going back until the following week. "Besides, I've got a bunch of papers due and I need to practice with the Warblers and…"
"Kurt, you're staying home until Sunday, and that's final," Burt tells him, arms crossed, and Kurt knows he can't win. He's feeling a little surly and irritable at the moment, part of that a result of being bed-ridden and part of it the fact that there really was no surprise; they'd just wanted him to come home.
Well, he's home, and a fat lot of good it's doing him. "Fine," is his response to his dad's last point, and Burt leaves the room with a sigh as Finn passes him in the doorway. "What?" Kurt asks icily, glaring at the tall boy.
"Look, dude, I know you hate feeling useless and whatever, but Burt's just really worried. I mean, we all thought that you'd be safe if we got you out of McKinley, right? But now you can't even come home without getting attacked and it's just…it's not fair," Finn sounds tired as he perches on the bed beside Kurt.
"I won't make the mistake of coming home without supervision again," Kurt says bitterly, and Finn sighs.
"Nah, that's not gonna help. I mean, you don't wanna have a constant guard…but dude, I just can't help but think…if Puck wasn't there…"
"He was," Kurt grabs Finn's hand this time, forcing the other teen to look at him. "He was there, Finn; that's all that matters. And you know?"
"Hmm?"
"In thirty years when I'm famous, I wouldn't even hire those Neanderthals to clean my septic tank because they don't deserve any of my money," he smiles and Finn laughs with him, slinging a casual arm around his shoulders as Kurt resists the urge to move closer and wrap himself around Finn so tightly that he'll never let go.
18. Orchid (Beauty)
"I don't know. What about this one?" Quinn spins in a circle, and Kurt has to admit that the black dress is very flattering.
"I like it. Got a fancy date?"
"No, Sam's just taking me to the local theater for a play, but I figure it doesn't hurt to look nice," she holds her hair up as Kurt unzips the back of her dress and returns to the dressing room to change. "So, how are things? Feeling better?"
"I'm going back tomorrow," Kurt answers, and a few seconds later she comes out, carrying the dress. "You're getting that, then?"
"I think so. After all, every girl needs a little black dress, right?" she smiles at him and heads off to pay, and he sticks close, unwilling to go into the mall by himself for fear of getting accosted again.
They head for the food court once Quinn's made her purchase and get some lunch, Kurt still sitting down slowly although the pain is definitely almost gone, talking about mundane things for a while. He's missed hanging out with Quinn, even though for the longest time he would have laughed at anybody who would have predicted they'd be friends, but she's a really nice girl at heart. "So, how's things with Sam?"
"Good," she has a dreamy smile on her face. "I mean, I'm not exactly the most trusting of men at the moment, but he's been great about everything and I'm lucky to have him."
"I'm happy for you, then," Kurt looks at the table, and Quinn reaches to tip his chin up and look into his eyes.
"You'll find him, Kurt. You're beautiful, and one day some lucky guy will see that."
"Thanks," Kurt knows he's blushing, but Quinn's words do make him feel better.
At least, a little bit better.
19. Peony (Healing)
"Dad, I'll be fine," he says, for what is probably the tenth time, as his father has insisted on driving him all the way to Westerville and parking outside of the dorm buildings. "Really. Blaine will make sure I don't over-exert myself."
"You and that boy together?" his father asks, and Kurt winces at the bluntness of it, but that's how his father has always been.
"No. We just have a lot in common, and he's been helping me out a lot," he replies, giving his dad a hug before heading for the buildings, knowing that Finn is following with his bag and hoping his dad isn't going to come as well. He's felt a little smothered the last few days.
"Anyway, in here," Kurt opens the door and Finn looks in, nodding.
"Nice. It's small, but…"
"I spend so much time at the school anyway that I really only sleep here. And at least I have my own bathroom," Kurt gestures to the small en suite. "But you should probably get going."
"You're sure you're okay?"
"Yes," Kurt says as firmly as he can, because he's getting really tired of that question, and he can tell by the look on Finn's face that he knows this as well. "Now, go on."
"Alright; alright. Christmas?"
"Christmas," Kurt sighs, turning around abruptly and tripping rather ungracefully over his bag (Finn apparently doesn't know that you don't drop things just beyond the doorway). Luckily, Finn's reflexes are decent, and he catches Kurt before he can completely fall over, Kurt pushing himself upright instinctively and raising his head, finding Finn's face barely an inch from his own.
And oh, it would be so easy to kiss him, but he can't, because, while it was weird before, it's definitely weird now, but for some reason Finn isn't moving and he isn't moving and if he just…
"Hey, you're back!" Blaine pops his head in, and Kurt settles for giving Finn a quick hug and breaking away. "Nice to see you again, Finn."
"Yeah. Same," Finn looks a little stunned, but he manages to wave at Kurt before stumbling out of the room.
20. Petunia (Anger/Resentment)
"Kurt, you've gotta realize, not many of us actually get solos, and…"
"Yes, because you always get them!" Kurt exclaims, realizing that his outburst was probably a little uncalled for, and immediately apologizing, "Look, I'm sorry, I had no right to…"
"No, you're right," Blaine stops on the grand staircase and sighs. "You're right. You're just…you're so special, Kurt, and no matter what I tell them, I'm not in charge of who gets to sing what. If it were up to me…"
"I know," Kurt interrupts. "It's okay, really. It's just…I guess I thought it would be different."
"It is. But it's not the different you wanted," Blaine suggests, sliding an arm around his shoulders. "Right?"
"Yeah. Sorry. It's just…the holidays are a little tough for me. And now with Finn telling me that New Directions are all going over to Mr. Schuester's for Christmas Eve, I'm kind of feeling…bitter, because it's not like I left them because I wanted to, and…"
"Hey," Blaine puts a finger over his lips and Kurt stops talking, glancing around to make sure nobody is watching them (old habit, he thinks). "Look, I can't help that they're not treating you the way they should be, but why not stick around for Christmas Eve, if they're going to be like that? You and I could find something to do," he suggests, and Kurt doesn't even hesitate before taking him up on that.
"I'd love to."
"You sure? I mean, if you want to spend time with your family…"
"I'll live. Like I said, we were never big on Christmas, not since Mom died."
Blaine looks at him before reaching down to take his hands, lifting them to his lips and kissing them gently. Kurt can't quite meet his eyes, because this is crossing quite a number of lines, but on the other hand he can't help but admire Blaine for having the courage to do it where anybody could see. "So, we'll make our own Christmas?"
"Sounds like a plan," Kurt nods, and Blaine gives him his most charming smile before they continue down the stairs.
Kurt's surprised to note that his anger is almost gone.
21. Poppy (Eternal Sleep)
Christmas morning dawns clear and cold, the sun reflecting off the snow that had fallen a few days earlier, and Kurt stares out the window wistfully, hoping that everybody had fun at the Christmas Eve party. He kind of wishes he had been there, but Rachel had been right: he needs to accept that he's not part of that anymore.
Finn had practically chewed him out over the phone because 'you promised, dude!', but he had shot back that Finn was going to be at this party, anyway, so why did it matter?
Finn didn't answer that and Kurt had hung up soon afterward, feeling horrible.
So.
Christmas.
Blaine had disappeared somewhere that morning so Kurt was practically all alone on the campus, looking out at the white world and thinking about his mother; wishing he could be home so he could feel closer to her.
A flash of red catches his eye; some student's cap as he rushes through the snow, and the stark red-on-white only reminds him of fresh blood, which is an incredibly morbid thought for Christmas morning.
"I love you, Mom," he whispers, breath fogging up the glass, and wishing that somebody would call him because he's too much of a coward to pick up the phone (and they're all probably angry with him, anyway).
He curls up in the windowsill, forehead against the cool pane, and closes his eyes, barely moving even when the door opens (probably just Blaine) and then closes.
"Merry Christmas!"
His eyes snap open, and he slowly turns his head, hoping that this isn't some wishful hallucination.
Of course, it would be hard to hallucinate something as tall as Finn, but part of him thinks that it's far too good to be true.
22. Primrose (I Cannot Live Without You)
"Finn?" he unfolds his legs and stands up. "Wh-what are you?"
"It's Christmas!" Finn exclaims, as if that explained everything, and rushes over to sweep him into a hug, pressing a rather enthusiastic but rather uncharacteristic kiss to his cheek. "Here! Present!"
Kurt isn't going to berate him for not speaking in complete sentences, but he cautiously accepts the package, stammering excuses about not having time to shop and…
"Nah, I don't care. You can buy me dinner or something. Just open it!"
Kurt does, taking out the scarf inside and feeling the expensive fabric. "Finn, is this Coach? How on earth could you afford this?"
"Um…honestly, dude, we went to that outlet mall and it was, like, on a huge sale, and…"
"I love it," Kurt puts it on immediately. "Thank you," he whispers, throwing his arms impulsively around Finn's neck.
"Course, man," Finn holds him tightly before adding, "Come with me. We're going home."
Home. Kurt decides he loves the sound of that word. But… "You're not still angry with me?"
"Nah, I never was, dude. But c'mon, I wanna get back to Lima before the sun sets," Finn's tugging on his hand, so Kurt throws a few things into his bag and locks the door on his way out, following Finn down to the car. "Mom and Burt are gonna flip."
"You didn't tell them you were taking the car?"
"Nope. Surprise," Finn grins at him, looking like a little kid, and his enthusiasm must be infectious because Kurt can't help but smile back.
They pull out onto the highway and Finn turns on the radio (carols, naturally) before reaching to hold Kurt's hand.
Kurt can't explain why he's suddenly feeling that so-called 'Christmas spirit,' but he's pretty sure Finn's a big part of it.
23. Snapdragon (Deception)
Inevitably, the conversation on the way back turns to the Glee Club, and Kurt vaguely asks about Rachel, only to Finn snort and reply that she had told him that he was her Christmas wish last year and that she thinks that saying 'I'm sorry' will make up for everything.
Kurt can't say he's surprised, knowing what he knows of Rachel, so he nods and keeps quiet, letting Finn rant.
"And Puck! I mean, yeah, the dude's my best friend and he stopped before things went too far, but man! First Quinn and now Rachel…I know he's slept with Santana, too, so that's, like, all the girls I've ever been involved with!"
Kurt knows that while Finn and Puck have made up, to an extent, Finn is still angry about the pregnancy debacle, and rightly so. The boy, Kurt reflects, has had absolutely no luck with either women or relationships, and yet he still manages to remain upbeat and positive about…mostly everything. It's commendable, really.
"Anyway, you're probably sick of listening to me complain, so cut in whenever you want to change the subject," Finn finally runs out of steam and ends with this, and Kurt simply reaches to pat his leg.
"You know I'm here for you," is all he says, and Finn turns away from the road for a second to give him one of his rare, utterly sincere smiles before he starts talking again, leaving Kurt to listen with half an ear as they make their way toward Lima.
24. Snowdrop (Hope)
"Sorry, Mom kinda got a little carried away," Finn informs him as they enter the house, and Kurt sees that it's true: they not only have a humongous tree with presents under it, but garland on the banisters, a wreath on the door, and various knick-knacks scattered around the living room.
"It's…wow."
"Yeah," Finn shrugs and scratches his head. "Sorry. I know that Christmas isn't easy for you, man…I mean, Burt told me, so…if you want to be left alone?"
Kurt's surprised to find that he really doesn't want to be left alone today, although he'll doubtless sneak off spend some time with his mother's memory at some point. "No, it's okay."
"Cool. Want anything to drink? I think Mom bought Eggnog," Finn walks into the kitchen and Kurt follows him, standing in the doorframe as Finn drags the carton out of the fridge and pours two glasses, making his way over with them. "Here," he hands out the glass and ducks a little, his head brushing something on the ceiling, and Kurt looks up to see a sprig of mistletoe hanging from the frame. "Aw, crap, I forgot Mom put that stupid thing up there," Finn groans.
"We can ignore it. Nobody's around." Kurt, however, won't deny that his heart has started beating faster at the thought.
"Nah, it's like tradition, right?" Finn sets his glass aside on the counter. "Anyway, are you…okay with this? I mean…"
"It's just a kiss, Finn," Kurt says with utterly false bravado, and Finn does that twisty-nose thing he does when he's not sure about something before leaning forward and pressing his lips lightly to Kurt's, barely a ghost of a kiss, but Kurt almost has to grip the doorframe to stop his legs turning to jelly.
"Okay?" Finn asks as he pulls away, and Kurt nods, not trusting his voice. "Good. We'll have to watch out for that, hey?"
"Y-Yeah," Kurt stammers out, taking his Eggnog and retreating to the sofa.
It may not have been the first kiss he had or the first kiss that counted, but it would definitely be the first kiss that really, truly mattered.
25. Sunflower (Devotion)
"Hey, you're still a little weird," Finn says a few minutes later, and Kurt realizes he's been staring into space for a while. "What's up?"
"I want to be honest with you, Finn," Kurt turns and takes a breath, knowing that this is the right thing to do; that if Blaine knows, then Finn certainly has a right to. "Karofsky…he didn't threaten to kill me if I told that he was pushing me around. He…threatened to kill me if I told anybody that he…that he'd kissed me."
"Hang on, that's what this is about? So he's…"
"Potentially," Kurt shrugs. "I mean, he's the biggest closet case ever, but…"
"Dude, that's all he did, right? Just kiss you?" Finn looks scared, and Kurt nods quickly.
"Yeah. I…I pushed him away after that," Kurt curls into a ball and Finn looks at his Eggnog before heaving a sigh.
"That was your first kiss with a guy, right?"
"Yeah."
"Well. I guess I didn't really do your second one justice, did I?"
"Hmm?" Kurt's head snaps up.
"With the mistletoe. I kinda copped out…I mean, isn't it weird? It's like…incest or something…"
"In some places," Kurt nods. "I won't lie and say that it won't be frowned upon, but I've…loved you for far longer than our parents have known each other. And sorry, you don't need to…I know you're sick of me chasing after you, and…" Kurt stands up. "I…" he knocks the Eggnog back before all but running from the room and to his mother's dresser, hoping her perfume will ease his mind.
26. Red Rose (Love/Desire/Respect/Courage)
He comes out about an hour later, feeling strangely calmed, only to find that his dad and Carole still aren't around and Finn is still sitting on the sofa, looking deep in thought. "Hey. Feeling better?"
"Yeah. Sorry about before; I guess I've just convinced myself we'll never be…anything," he sighs and plops down, cupping his hands under his chin and leaning forward.
"I've been thinking, though. I mean, you're like never at home, and in a year and a half we'll be out of here anyway, so…"
"Finn, you seem to be forgetting one very important point: you're not gay," Kurt mutters between gritted teeth.
"Does that matter, man? I mean, you were right last year; look at the luck I've had with girls. I know you'd never cheat on me, and…I mean, what I said at the wedding was true. You've made me a better person, Kurt," he turns to Kurt and Kurt finally meets his eyes. "Okay?"
Kurt has a fleeting thought that, if this is really happening, he might actually come to like Christmas again, and he nods, trying not flinch back as Finn moves closer. "This isn't too strange for you?"
"Dude, I danced with you in front of all my family and everyone. I'm pretty sure they all think we're doing it anyway," Finn laughs and leans in, cupping Kurt's chin and giving him a much more satisfactory kiss than the mistletoe one. "Kurt, you really can say no if you want. You don't look happy."
"I don't quite believe it," Kurt admits. "I…"
"Hey, c'mere. There's probably a cheesy Christmas movie on or something we can watch," Finn pulls him into his arms and Kurt lets himself relax, and they spend the afternoon watching classic Christmas movies until their parents came home.
27. White Rose (Charm/Silence/Reverence)
They reach an unspoken agreement not to tell their parents, at least not for a while. He's frankly not sure his dad will take it all that well, even though he and Finn get along great, and he'd hate to start off his first real significant length of time living all together with "Hey, Finn and I are kind of dating because I'm still madly in love with him."
As it is, his father and Carole are more than happy to see him, and they have a rather enjoyable Christmas dinner before opening presents (and Kurt promises, promises that he's going to mall tomorrow; he's even willing to brave the Boxing Day crowds just to get good presents for everybody).
After that, they all eventually drift off to bed, and Kurt makes some quip to Finn about still sharing a room because as of yet they haven't found a larger house to move into, but Finn just laughs and ruffles his hair, and they chat a bit before both falling asleep.
The next day, he's at the mall with Quinn and Mercedes (both of whom jumped at the chance to go shopping), and since he and Finn had decided that telling the Club was okay with both of them (Kurt could honestly say he trusted each and every one of them), he broke the news to the girls over lunch.
"Oh my God, are you serious?" Mercedes grabs his hands and started jumping up and down, and Kurt went along with it for a few seconds before pulling back. "I'm tellin' you, my man, it's about time."
"It's what?"
"Kurt," Quinn hugs him before putting her hands on his shoulders and adding, "You couldn't see yourselves at the wedding. Nobody else existed except for the two of you. I think the rest of the room could have disappeared and neither of you would have noticed."
"You don't think it's weird?"
"Puh-lease," Mercedes swats his arm. "You've been pining for white boy for so long that it'd be weirder if you suddenly decided you weren't in love anymore."
"What about the kid from Dalton? Blaine?" Quinn asks, taking Kurt's hands and pulling him back to sit.
"He's…I'm in love with him, but I love him because he was exactly what I needed. I…don't really see us being in a serious relationship," Kurt admits, knowing that Blaine could never be to him what Finn is. "Plus, I don't think he sees me like that."
"Well, then I don't see any problem with it," Quinn pats his hand. "Now, what are you thinking for gifts?"
28. Tiger Lily (Pride)
"I always knew there was somebody," Blaine tells him over the phone when he calls. "I mean, I think you're incredible, Kurt, but I could just tell that your heart belonged to somebody else."
"So, you're…"
"You have my blessing," Blaine laughs. "Now, go have fun with your man over the holidays. I'll see you when school starts again, alright?"
"Great. See you," Kurt hangs up, feeling much better about himself, and flops back on his bed as Finn clomps down the stairs and throws himself beside Kurt, flinging a casual arm across his chest. Truth be told, apart from the kissing, not much has changed in their relationship. Finn's gradually grown more tactile around him in the last few months, and Kurt's never had issues with touching Finn, of course, so most people would be hard-pressed to see a difference.
"Well?"
"He approves."
"Good, I guess. I mean, you really don't need his approval…"
"I realize that," Kurt cuts him off, knowing he has enough stubborn pride for all of Lima, but… "But his opinion is important to me."
"Fair enough," Finn yawns and snuggles against him and Kurt holds him absently, thinking that he'll definitely miss this when he goes back to Dalton. "Hey, the whole gang's getting together at Rach's for New Years Eve. You in?"
"Am I invited?"
"Dude, you're still one of us," Finn drops a quick kiss on his lips. "So, that's a yes?"
"Yes," Kurt laughs, thinking that it'll be good to see everybody again, even if it is only for one night.
29. Violet (Modesty)
Rachel is who he's most worried about, and he sees her a couple of days later at the grocery store, not surprised when she marches right over to him. "Well, I guess congratulations are in order."
"You…"
"I'm so happy for you, Kurt!" she hugs him and he hugs back in a daze.
"H-hang on, shouldn't you be mad?"
"I can accept when a rival has won," she smooths down her pleated skirt before giving him a smile. "You were obviously the better choice."
And this was very un-Rachel-like behaviour. Modesty is not one of her core personality traits, so something else has to be going on. "Okay, what's the catch?" he asks with a half-laugh.
"No catch," Rachel smiles prettily. "You've been through so much that you deserve a little happiness. However…"
"I knew it."
"This doesn't mean I've given up. I may be willing to give you a grace period, but let's face it, eventually Finn will realize this is crazy and come rushing back to me," she says the words with a smile to let Kurt know that while her intention may be serious, she's honestly not bitter about it. "After all, we may not be competing for solos anymore, but it would just be strange to not be competing at all."
"True," Kurt concedes, and realizes with a bit of amazement that, for once, he isn't jealous, nor does he resent Rachel.
Maybe he's just growing up, but the truth is, if Finn wants to go back to her, there's not much he can do to stop him. "Anyway, I do wish you the best, Kurt."
"Thank you," he reaches out a hand and she shakes it, giving him another quick smile before turning on her heel and flouncing away.
He supposes that, in Rachel-speak, that was obviously approval, and he marvels again at how far they've come.
30. Xeranthemum (Eternity/Immortality)
New Years Eve rolls around and Finn and Kurt head to Rachel's, and by this point a few days have gone by since the news has been broken, yet Kurt's still amazed that not one person seems surprised. Not even Sam.
Were they really that obvious?
"I think it's totally hot," Brittany is the first to actually approach them, not surprisingly, and she gives both of them her normal not-quite-all-there smile. "And the two of you totally have to kiss at midnight, you know."
Kurt assures her that they do, but as midnight rolls around and they all count down with the television, he's inexplicably nervous, at least until Finn grabs him around the waist and pulls him in for a much hotter kiss than any they've shared, and Kurt clutches at him and pours everything he has into it.
After all, if what you do on New Years determines how your year is going to be, he's going to make this one a darn good one. They break apart, staring at each other, and Kurt notes that everybody else is doing a rather good job of pretending not to look even when it's obvious they are.
"Champagne!" Santana announces as Puck digs a bottle out of somewhere, and then Rachel is shrieking about underage drinking and Mercedes and Tina are trying to turn the iPod to something that isn't show tunes and generally everything is back to normal.
Kurt misses it more than he can say, but right now, he'll take any time he can get with his friends…his family.
"Good night, huh?" Finn's resting his chin on top of Kurt's head, arms around him, and Kurt can only nod in agreement, knowing that this is where he belongs.
After all, they say that you can never forget your first love.
Kurt just figures he's doubly lucky because he has a feeling that Finn won't just be his first love, but his only love.
And he can't see anything wrong with that.
~Fin~
Notes: (bear with me, guys)
I am writing this under the assumption that Dalton is a boarding school even though the show has never explicitly stated that. If it isn't, Kurt's driving four hours a day to get to-and-from school and that seems rather implausible. Plus with lines like "I haven't talked to Finn since the wedding," I'm assuming he isn't living at home anymore.
The poetry in part eight is from Walt Whitman's poem 'Calamus,' and I chose Whitman because there is a rather accepted assumption that he was, if not gay, at least bisexual.
As cliché as the mistletoe scene is, I've been writing fanfiction for about ten years and have never used mistletoe as a plot device. As such, I figured it was high time ;)
I think that may be it as far as notes go. This is, to my knowledge, my longest one-shot to date (and it only took about three days to write!), but it was a lot of fun and I always enjoy writing Glee-fics. Hope everybody enjoyed, and drop me a review/comment on the way out. ^_^