In which Sirius attempts to predict the future

The Copy Right issue: if it were mine the whole Remus-tonks thing would have never even have been thought up

A/N I'm done writing sap that does not make fun of itself. Major influences are Thieving Gypsy with her Fairy Boys and L. Burke who writes X-men, but gave me a character idea. No general story, just random, so guess what's going on if you can't figure it out. Character interpretation skills. I might eventually make a story, if I get enough ideas.

Yes that sentence in the first paragraph is purposefully long and annoying. Deal with it. I wanted to see how long of a sentence I could make without my comp flagging it as grammatically wrong. And the whole window cleaner deal? Well, its for all who wondered about the point of turning buttons into beetles and vice versa.

5th year

"Look into the crystal ball. Peer into its inner depths and see the future!" Professor Knizel said rather dramatically, rather dramatically being a vigorous understatement in this case just like it would be to say that the four boys from Liverpool had a mild impact on the world, in a mystical voice that, in any context other than in a musky room with impossible cloths everywhere that reminded Remus of the time his mum accidentally washed all the white linens with the red and blue so they ended up magenta before hanging them in the world's worst example of "how to hang sheets" because the drier was broken and her wand was missing (it had actually been swallowed by Remus' pet cat in an attempt by Remus to see if the cat would follow a trail of Skittles but the cat found the wand tastier and as a result permanently turned an interesting shade of lime green,) would have been laughed at faster than Sirius, who was notably and famously queerer than a three-dollar bill, in a pink sparkle tutu.

"Sirius the Magnificent will now look into the orby-thing that looks like someone charmed puke into it. Oh great all-seeing Sirius, what do you see?" Peter toned in a similar voice as their teacher who obviously did not predict Peter's imitation and therefore was not on hand to take off points.

"My beautiful assistant, Peter the small platinum blond one…"Sirius started, sitting with his hands on either side of the ball, his eyes rolled back and his hair in his face.

"It is not platinum, I'm a natural blond and stop doing the eye thing, it's freaky," Peter objected self-righteously.

"Ok, fine than," Sirius replied irritably before reassuming his position. "My beautiful assistant, Peter the small not platinum blond one, I see things of great importance. I see that tomorrow Zonkos will have a sale on dungbombs, three for the price of two." There was a dramatic pause. "In twenty years, you Peter will open up a pasta house. There will be more types of pasta than you can shake a stick at…that is if you like shaking sticks at pasta, which I think is pretty pointless. I mean, why would you shake a stick at pasta? It's pointless. For that matter, why do people shake sticks altogether? I've never gotten it. I can understand shaking a wand at something because that's rather threatening, but a stick? Maybe if it looked like a wand than you could shake it and pretend that you could do something serious like turn cabbage in window cleaner, then it would be wise to shake a stick and of course that would be only in serious occasions when you truly needed someone to think that you were going to change the cabbage into window cleaner if they didn't do what you wanted."

"Is that a sentence?" Remus questioned.

"Yea, that got me too," James pondered, ignoring Remus' query, "the whole cabbage into window cleaner deal. I always figured that cabbage was more useful than window cleaner, unless it's true that window cleaner cures everything 'cause in that case I figure window cleaner is important but I don't understand why you can't just go buy window cleaner in the first place rather than buying the damn cabbage." Many laughed at the first years' project of turning buttons into beetles since when would that ever come in handy? Was life really fulfilled when you could turn a button into a beetle? However, after five years and some odd months of being schooled in the way of magic, they were finally taught how to turn cabbage into window cleaner. They had held their ability to create bugs from things that worked in the place of zippers in great reverence, but this new ability to create window cleaner fluid from a cabbage was truly magnificent. There could be nothing greater. All four boys felt they could do anything now that they could create window cleaner.

"Calm down Jim, it's ok, breathe," Peter coached. James attempted to take deep slow breaths while Peter instructed "in" and "out."

"Can we just get on with it?" Remus grumbled.

"Fine Remus the grouch with PWS, I see that in ten years you shall be flipping burgers at a fast food restaurant. You shall live in a small flat owned by a woman with many dogs who will call you snooky. The dogs will follow you where ever you go and people will ask about it all the time. How do you like that?" Sirius smirked.

"Why does it have to be dogs?"

"You don't like dogs?" Sirius started pouting doing a very good job of imitating a pleading dog.

"Only like one dog, the rest of them are rubbish" Remus murmured under his breath. Sirius smirked smugly.

"Is it me, or does he have only two expressions?" James asked, completely missing the exchange between his friends. "Smirk and smug smirk."

"No. He does not only have two expressions. He also has ridiculously guilty smirk," Peter quipped, though he wasn't actually sure such an expression was possible on anyone else except Sirius.

"Well, Jim, it's time I saw YOUR fate. I see that you shall be living in a hut on the moor with a duck as your only companion. It will be an American duck from Yale but it will be directionally challenged so if you try to send it anywhere it will get lost. Then a mongrel will come and steal all your chili! And your hut will sink into the swamp! Then you'll build another but that will since into a swamp. Your fourth hut will burn down fall over and then sink into the swamp. How do you like that?" Sirius smirked smugly.

"I think he's gone quackers," Remus said dryly making a painfully bad pun.

"Wait, I also see something else. I see that the 80's will be a complete disaster fashion and music wise. Therefore the best time to have been born would have been 1950 so you could be a teenager and an adult during the 60's and 70's. When 1980 hits you commit suicide and you're all good."

"That's really depressing."

"Tell me about it," James intoned, "we've only got nine years left!"

"I'm serious guys!" Sirius snapped at his friends who were, by now, laughing hard at his predictions.

"We know you are, the joke is dead. It committed suicide by hanging itself off a cliff, shooting itself in the head and setting itself on fire just to be sure it had died," Remus grumbled.

"But the jerk of the rope altered the aim, and the bullet missed but cut partly through the rope," James explained excitedly as if Christmas had not only decided to pop around early, but had also brought Halloween with it, not to mention that both were going to drop in next week as well. "This broke with the jerk of the body, and he fell fifty feet into the sea below, putting out the fire."

"Yes, thank you Jim, the joke has somehow acquired male genitals it seems. The joke washed up on shore and died of hypothermia where a goat shitted on his body, that's how dead the joke is," Remus dictated.

"And the body decomposed and fertilized some grass, which was eaten by the deer. The deer in turn were eaten by a mountain lion which died and decomposed to fertilize more grass for new deer to eat," James continued.

"Thanks again Jim, we all feel so connected now to the great circle of life," Remus grumbled again sarcastically.

"Those deer got eaten by a dragon. Then the dragon was slain and mounted on the wall of someone's home. The wizard got arrested for illegal potion possession and went to Azkaban for three years. In that time the wizard learned the meaning and life and went to go share it with the world, but was hit by lightening and burned, causing a rare type of feverfew to grow. That feverfew…"

"Are you done yet? I think Pete fell asleep." Peter was indeed asleep and happened to be snoring loudly while using the orb as a pillow, a feat that seemed physically impossible but Peter was managing to pull off anyway.

"Well, the feverfew was used to make a really cool potion. Ok, I'm done."

"Shove off Pete! I was gazing into that!" Sirius smirked angrily, thus proving he had more expressions. "Ew! Peter germs!" he shrieked, wiping off the orb with Remus' robes. "Ok, as I was predicting before I was so rudely interrupted. The 80's are going to be absolute bollocks, should all try to avoid them. There's going to be bad hair, bad clothing, bad cinema though there will be this really good one called The Breakfast Club which will be absolutely brilliant. But there will be scary stuffed bears called Care Bears, or something like that. They'll be everywhere, they'll take over! Them and a pony with a tattoo on its arse. Avoid in any way possible, live under water if you have to!"

"Who'd call a movie The Breakfast Club? Who'd want to breakfast?" Peter wondered sleepily. "Breakfast is yucky." Peter was under the impression that the hours of six till twelve AM were nonexistent unless he hadn't slept the night before. He lived in a happy world of complete denial about these hours and pretended that he had not lived through them. Suffice it to say Peter was not doing well in his morning classes.

"The most intelligent words to come out of his mouth," Remus remarked sarcastically.

"The world will never know. Ok, so, bad hair and something about a really cute little black boy turning into a scary white woman, which actually will happen more in the 90's, it'll be freaky, I'm talking flying space monkey scary. Remus, save me!"

"Oh bloody wanker," Remus exclaimed as Sirius threw himself on the poor werewolf. It was at this time that Professor Knizel's all-seeing-eye decided to kick in and all four boys were promptly given massive amounts of homework to attempt to teach them the seriousness of divination.

Years later after, between unpleasantness, Sirius and Remus were talking.

"You were right," Remus told his friend.

"I was? About what?" Sirius asked smirking confusedly.

"The 80's, they were a bloody nightmare. Really, you should have seen the outfits on those people. And the boy you talked about, remember that cute boy from the Jackson 5? Yea, it's the scariest thing I've ever seen. I'm the only one who had to live through it, normally anyway."

"Is that a window? I can't tell under all the grime."

"It is; I haven't had time to go buy window cleaner."

"Got a cabbage?"