Title: Hi Ho Nellie!

Author: The DayDreaming

Ratings/Warnings: Rated T…for TALAPIA! Language and many pen0rz jokes. Incorrect use of the word 'chutzpah.' ABSOLUTE CRACK. 8D Horse-play is involved, dahurhurhur.

Summary: [drabble] "Never play this game with anyone else, comrade." Suddenly, a frantic tapping of glass alerted the two nations to an audience behind the windows of the fast-food restaurant.

A/N: This is written for Ahmerst, whose journal I (stalk) read, and who was asking for a little Russian round-up by our favorite hero. I barely complied, I think. But hopefully it's at least a little amusing for you guys. ;-;

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"This is not an acceptable form of diplomacy, America."

"I dunno, Russia; this seems pretty awesome to me."

"Not at all."

Alfred shifted his hips, sliding further up onto Ivan's shoulder blades and squeezing his thighs.

"...it's as though you're making yourself comfortable, little Alfred."

"I can't help it. Your shoulders are too broad to really get my legs around you good."

"I see."

"...and I'm not little, bastard!"

Alfred squirmed again, resorting to gripping at the other's forearms to keep from sliding down Russia's spine. He huffed and leaned down, letting his mouth linger next to his pseudo-steed's ear.

"Raise your back, like, a little bit."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, like an arc."

"Is it because you are too small to stay on me?"

"N-no, but the way you have your back now has your ass sticking out like you're looking for some good friends."

"Good friends?"

"Good friends."

Russia snorted but raised himself, eliciting a 'woo!' from America.

"What will this accomplish, America?"

"Probably absolutely nothing."

"...I see. More frivolous capitalism, comrade."

"Your mom's a capital."

"..."

Russia glanced over at the black-suited body-guards standing near the doors. They appeared stony, facades unphased by the Nations' antics.

As though they'd been through this before.

"Do you do this on a regular basis?"

"Hm? Oh, not really."

Alfred grunted and slid further along. Ivan could feel the heat of the other's thighs worming its way around his neck. How pleasant.

"Buuuuut...it is sorta fun. England didn't really seem to mind so much, last time, so I think it must be fun for you guys, too."

"...did he."

Russia let his mind wander to the idea of Alfred making the very same motions upon England, mounting him, grinding along his spine, squeezing those thighs. And England. Doing nothing. His bottom half out of America's sight.

"Kolkolkolkol-"

"Hey Ivan, you okay?"

The guards tensed and reached for their guns.

"Never play this game with anyone else, comrade."

"Okay?"

"I mean this, deeply."

"...well, I guess it just wouldn't be the same after you, I suppose."

"...how?"

"You're so big; everyone else would feel like a small-fry."

"... ... Indeed, comrade. Let's keep this exclusive between us, yes?"

"Whatever."

Alfred set to humming, looking around and smiling; attempting to make his boots meet under Ivan's torso, though the effort was somewhat futile. A few children stared at them from afar, watching as the two adults continued their awkward display.

One of the braver ones walked over, staring up in confused wonder at America.

"Is it fun up there, mister?"

"Hm, ah yeah."

"Really? And it's not scary at all?"

"No way!"

"'Cuz your horse looks like it's gonna kill something."

"He looks like that when he's happy."

"But he's all frown-ey."

"Happy. You should see him when he's smiling. That's when people mysteriously disappear into broom closets and make these weird screaming noises."

"Ah, you're saying too much, Alfred."

"Oh no, he's smiling! Run, mister!"

America squeezed his thighs around the other's chest in warning.

"Settle down, Nellie."

"Nellie?"

"So his name is Nellie?"

"Yeah. Watch, I can make him grow, too!"

"You certainly can, Alfred~ Let's go find a closet, now."

"He's smiling again!"

Alfred huffed before grabbing a few tufts of Ivan's hair.

"Up."

"Kolkolkol-"

"He's smiling even bigger!"

Without much thought, Alfred jumped up and down, the procedure deemed ineffective when his legs couldn't reach the ground. Ivan could only feel the persistent humping of an especially delectable fly.

"Uuuuuup...uuuuuup, Ivan!"

"You said his name was Nellie."

With a great amount of effort, Ivan stood, grabbing onto Alfred's legs and hauling them over his shoulders. Ivan's face reddened as Alfred settled himself, grinding down more and wiggling against the stiff column of his neck. He could feel the other's heat and rough denim of his jeans on his cheek.

"Woooow! You really did make him grow!"

"You bet! He's a Russian purebred! They're magic like that."

Alfred grinned, and Ivan could only blush harder.

"Oh, hey. Mister, Nellie's got something poking in his coat. It looks uncomfortable; do you want me to take it out?"

Before the child could speak further, Alfred leaned forward, glancing down and letting out a mortified squeal.

"Oh my god! IVAN! Get the chutzpah out of your goddamned schlong!"

"Ah, I am sorry, Alfred. If you could only-"

"IVAN!"

Suddenly, a frantic tapping of glass alerted the two nations to an audience behind the windows of the fast-food restaurant. The horrified faces of both America's and Russia's bosses openly gaped at them from a booth inside the McDonald's, along with several other parties of terrified patrons.

America's boss' frantic pointing alerted Alfred to a very long conversation on the way back to the White House, alongside Russia's boss, who looked just as displeased.

"Mister? Something wrong?"

"Ah, leave it be, kid."

"But-"

"C'mon, Ivan. We gotta bounce."

"Bounce? I think not, comrade. If anything, it is you who shall 'bounce.'"

Ivan's pleasant smile widened at the American's undignified squeal.

"That's indecent, Ivan! Not in front of children! Put that goddamned thing away. C'mooon...!"

"It is too late, comrade."

"Ah, mister, he's smiling really big again!"

The guards cleared their throats, looking away, yet still attempting to walk over.

"Ah, fine. We need to go, kid. Pretend this day never happened, and you'll live a long, happy life."

"Okay?"

"And don't go into politics. This is what tends to happen."

"Wha-?"

"Hi ho Silver!"

"But I thought my name was Nellie now, comrade~?"

"Whatever!"

Alfred tapped his legs against Ivan's chest, and the pair set out, running through the iron gate of the children's play area of the McDonald's.

"Shall we go find a closet, America~?"

"...I'm never playing this with you again. England's way better at this."

"...kolkolkolkolkolkol..."

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end

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The return of groping!Ivan?

...this is essentially a long string of pen0rz jokes. ...I don't really know any pen0rz jokes. ...this is why I don't have friends.

Also, simply putting the word 'schlong' into this little brainfart was courtesy of my friend, Voyse, begging me to use it. Sorry. To everyone. For that, and the misuse of the word 'chutzpah.' ~ Never use them together, because it doesn't really make sense. Shhhh, don't tell Alfred that.

I wanted to put more in. More references, really. I wanted at least to get in a 'giant doctor' joke (I'd love you forever if you knew where 'giant doctor' is from). But, alas. It was already long and crappy.

…I wish I could be funny. I am funny in the head. You guys…just don't see it much….