This was written for the Strictly Dramione's Prank Fest 2018. You should go check them out on Facebook-they do fun stuff like this all the time. :)

I have to say this fun little number is based a LOT on my real life, although I did have an awesome friend of mine (coriezeb - go check out her page, I'll wait) Brit pick it for me to make it more appropriate for Hermione. But yeah, you'll see. *evil grin* So I hope you enjoy and laugh.

Disclaimer: I own nothing that you recognize, although a lot of the more colorful language is probably something you've never heard before. I also make no money from this so don't sue. :D

x . x . x . x . x

"Are you sure about this, Lovey?"

"Yes, Dad. Everything will be fine."

Dan Granger peeked back over his shoulder as his daughter and son-in-law followed him down the stairs from his new central London flat. Her face was set in the same stubborn expression her mother wore and he'd learned when either of the two women in his life wore that look to just...give up.

The trio emerged onto the street and Dan eyed his Mercedes warily as Hermione held her hand out for the keys. He snapped the jagged pieces of metal out of her grasp and clutched them to his chest as her husband laughed in the background.

"Don't you think it might be safer to let me drive you both out to the country and then let you take over the lessons?" She glared at him, her toe tapping menacingly on the sidewalk as Londoners scooted around them as they went uncaringly about their days.

"It's fine, Dan. She couldn't possibly be as bad as you're making it out to be. You wouldn't let her teach me otherwise."

The Muggle dentist caught his son-in-law's eye. "She's an excellent driver, that's undeniable." Hermione turned and stuck her tongue out at the grinning blonde behind her. "However-when she's in traffic, such as there is in London...well, she tends to lose her head a bit."

Hermione rolled her eyes and stuck her lip out in a pronounced pout as her father grabbed her for a tight hug and pressed a kissed on the top of her head. "Just be back in time for dinner. Your mum is making her famous bangers and mash."

x . x . x . x . x

"You're going to kill me, Granger!"

Hermione rolled her eyes and slammed her foot down on the brake. "I haven't been Granger in quite some tim-MOVE, you idiotic twat! Honestly, how hard is it to use an indicator!"

She sighed impatiently as an older driver in the vehicle ahead of them tried to change lanes unsuccessfully. "And now you're stuck, you fucking stupid bitch! You couldn't wait five seconds to actually have the time and space for your ancient bitchmobile, no! You just HAD to change lanes right this fucking moment!"

Draco's body was rigid with tension and his mouth was hanging open in horror at the filth spilling from his usually dainty and proper wife's mouth. Never had he heard such...vulgarity from her! At least not out of the bedroom, which was in a completely different and much more acceptable context!

He lurched forward suddenly as her foot hit the accelerator. "And finally, we move!"

"Fuck!" The 'guk' noise his body tried to emit ended up stuck in his throat as the seat belt tightened around his torso as Hermione slammed her foot on the brake yet again.

"Are you so bloody idiotic that you can't tell that the traffic has a green fucking light?! You can't cross here, you twat! Get your fat arse out of the road! Waddle with your ducklings a little faster since you obviously have the brain cells of an amoeba, which may actually be insulting to the poor one celled organisms, and get the fuck out of my way!"

He let out a yelp as he flew back in the nicely padded seat as Hermione floored it again, nearly running over the unfortunate soul she'd been screaming at from the interior of the car. He pried his fingernails from the armrest and made a mental note to apologize to Dan for the impressions he was sure to leave in the expensive leather.

"So where exactly are we goi-"

"Motherfuck! Cocksucking wankstain of an arsehole!"

Draco's grey eyes were wide as Hermione's mouth spewed forth a veritable river of vitriol and scorn as she pulled up alongside another posh car at a red light .

"Oi, Granger! That you?!"

Hermione huffed and pushed the button to slide the window down smoothly. She pasted the fakest grin Draco had ever seen on her face as she turned toward a dopey looking man hanging out the window opposite them. "Oi, Edward! It's Malfoy now! So, no."

The great ape's eyebrows lowered as he craned his neck, giving Draco a look. "That your guy? I could take him. He looks like a ponce. Why's he got you drivin' him 'round?"

Draco scowled and his hands tightened into fists as he fought not to reach for his wand against the hapless Muggle, though Hermione's hand on his thigh did more to calm him than anything.

"Edward, I am only going to tell you this once. Are you ready?" The idiot looked to actually be salivating for whatever morsel of affection he thought Hermione may throw his way and Draco nearly laughed out loud. "Go fuck yourself, cock nugget!"

The light turned green, as if on cue, and she pressed hard on the accelerator as they sped away. For once, Draco was reveling in and not terrified of the speed and her uncharacteristically foul mouth.

"You know, Granger, I think I may like this side of you. We may have to come driving in London more often."

"You know, Malfoy, I haven't been a Granger in quite awhile." She glanced his way quickly and pulled him to her for a soft press of his lips on hers.

Then he jolted forward as she slammed her foot on the brake. "Oi come on, you fucktard! Who stops that hard on a yellow?!"

x . x . x . x . x

"Since when are you into cars, Malfoy?"

Draco grinned. "Hermione taught me how to drive about two years ago, Potter. I've been driving ever since. I just never knew how into cars you were until now. I thought you'd appreciate my new baby."

Harry's eyes nearly popped out of his head as Draco threw the door to the garage open. Light spilled into the room, highlighting a brand new, shiny silver Aston Martin.

A low whistle managed to escape his throat as he approached the machine, his hand resting a millimeter above the paint job, as if he were afraid to touch it.

"Go ahead, Potter. You can touch her." Harry let out an actual moan as he ran his hand across the cool metal, simply taking in the moment. "Okay, okay. I'm not leaving you alone with her or anything. But...did you want to maybe go for a spin?"

Twenty minutes later saw Draco and Harry pulling out of the garage of the Malfoy's London flat and merging into the heavy traffic of the city.

Almost instantly Harry was flung back into the soft leather as Draco's foot fell hard onto the accelerator, a gasp catching in his throat as his friend whooped in excitement.

"I haven't had a chance to really take her ou-Oi! You wanker! What the hell are you doing?!"

Harry's stomach felt like it was trying to vacate his body through his bellybutton as the seat belt yanked him backwards abruptly. His ears rang as his life flashed before his eyes in a way it hadn't since before Voldemort had died.

He panted in terror as Draco continued to berate the driver's around them, his foot alternating between the accelerator and brake pedals in jerky stops and starts.

"Malfoy, I thought you said Hermione taught you to drive?!"

Draco paused his ranting for a moment, content to let the inadequacies of the drivers around him go for a moment to stare at his friend in shock. "What? She did."

"Then why are you driving like a demon out of hell?! Did Seamus come in and teach you after her or something?"

Draco casually slapped Harry's clawed fingers away from the precious Italian leather of the armrest and door as he pondered how the oaf couldn't know one of his oldest friend's deepest, darkest secrets.

"I'll let her take you out for a spin one day, Potter. Believe me, she's much worse than I am."

Harry rolled his eyes, though he yipped hysterically as Draco jolted forward once again as the light in front of them turned green. "There's no possible way!"

Draco smirked. "Alright, Potter. You're on."