Dedication: To two very special friends – you know who you are
Start at the Very Beginning
By Mo
He moved the object around in his hands, the tears flowing freely from his eyes; hot tears, stinging his cheeks. He caressed the metal in his hands, gently touching the trigger. Just as his son had done; before the accident that claimed his life.
The over-powering urge to place the gun to his temple and pull that trigger consumed him.
These days every day was black for Jack. He could see his wife Sarah, suffering too. As much as he wanted to place his arms around her, hold her close and tell her everything would be fine, he just couldn't do it. His own pain was too deep. Each time she came near him, he recoiled. He did not deserve her compassion.
He was responsible for his son's death. He may not have pulled the trigger himself but it was his gun.
The black mood consumed him. The sun shone outside, it was hot and sunny and he could hear the neighbourhood children playing outside, laughing, cheering and giggling.
His shoulders ached from the weight of his pain, he felt like his head would burst, and every bone in his body ached as if to reflect his grief.
Today was a bad day, a fight, merely to open his eyes; his lids feeling heavy. He hated this feeling and he could stand it no longer. Each time he breathed, he felt a pain in his chest where his heart should be. He thought his heart would actually break, burst into a thousand tiny pieces.
He wanted so much to put the gun to his head, to put an end to the agony and to be with Charlie once more.
Those damn children, he couldn't bear their cheerfulness.
If it hadn't been for Sarah and her father, if he hadn't seen them in pain also, Jack didn't know what he would do. He wasn't alone. Even if he felt he was the loneliest man in the world.
He wondered if this would ever ease. If one day he would be able to put one foot in front of the other without resenting the fact that he was alive while his son was dead.
He wondered if one day he would feel like his heart was bursting but with joy and love instead of pain.
He wondered if one day he would walk tall instead of feeling like his shoulders were being pushed down by the weight of grief.
He wondered if he would ever get through a day without tears.
He wondered if one day he would live again.