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"Wanna Play?"

By Chiisana Anisa

It was a day like any other.

I'd love to give my self away

But I find it hard to trust

I've got no map to find my way

Amongst these clouds of dust

Dark, gloomy, creepy and it dragged on forever. I couldn't believe that it was only five in the afternoon, for I had a feeling a whole week passed by. Nothing happened as of yet, Jet didn't yell to us to get our lazy bums up because he has found a new bounty, Ed wasn't jumping around making mess out of the ship more than usual and Spike..

Well, Spike is a different story altogether.

He wasn't on board. He left earlier in the morning with a poor excuse he had something to do. But we all knew he went to visit Julia's grave. See, four years passed since the final countdown with Vicious, and by some strange miracle Spike survived. Not without consequences, but he was alive and well, still him in every sense of the that word.

What is more than I can say for me. Lately, my life has turned into a routine, like a never ending circle of events, always relapsing. So nothing mattered anymore. I didn't feel the pain in my chest anymore when Spike left to do that thing like he did this morning.

It didn't make any sense, so I stopped forcing myself to feel something that was long gone in the meantime. Yes, I loved Spike, that much was obvious for anyone who dared to look at me for a longer time. I'm even betting that Spike knew it himself, but still never mentioned.

I really shouldn't start describing all of my problems... And do you really want to know? It's a laugh, that anybody would be actually willing to listen to anything that I have to say. Not to mention, strange. But anyway, as I have nothing better to do with the time on my hands, which is still flowing too slow for my taste, I'll share some of my problems with you.

You better believe I'm coming

You better believe what I say

My first problem are my memories. It's a small problem. I have them back and I'm partially happy because of that. They keep me sometimes awake for hours, constantly flying around, pictures coming and going, sentences being repeated as if they are all trying to remind me that I had a life before, because I don't have a real one now.

I can lay on my bed with my eyes closed and let them bury me in the world I once knew and loved. A world that once made sense to me and was free of any cares. Then, sometimes those memories would mix with the new ones and that's usually when a nightmare would be produced. I would dream of strange things, like Jet being my father before or Ed being my teacher.. But in that nightmarish life they would be cruel, vicious and just plain ugly towards me.

Every time after that I would wake up cold and sweaty, feeling utterly alone. Lately that is repeating too. I think the guys noticed that something was going on in the night hours of the day, but neither of them spoke anything to me. However, those nights always bring me to one conclusion.

It's not good to dwell on memories.

My second problem is the job I'm doing. Bounty hunter. My God, is that everything I'm capable of? I remember I wanted to be an artist, and had plans of going to an Academy of art. Well, I know how that ambition ended.

We always have a choice

Or at least I think we do

We can always use our voice

I thought this to be true

Before, in the early starts, I had a flare towards this job. I got the rush out of it, something to remind me again, that I'm alive. I had to fight, to scream out from pain, to let my blood flow sometimes and sometimes I would get happy smile for days after knowing I fulfilled my job and done it successfully.

But that rush - that satisfaction is now gone. Maybe I was drawn to Spike because of that. He has that same spark in him and at first, we were two of our kind. But as it turned out, he had much darker past than my own and it came out for him to eat him alive. My did too, of course, but in a less dangerous way.

My debts are now repaid, and I don't own nothing to anyone anymore. I even started saving, for a house or something. Maybe I'm just saving to give my life a purpose in the future that awaits for me, far ahead. Maybe the knowledge that I want something more shattered that flare inside of me that I used to get out of hunting down bounties. But as I think of it now, I came to another realization.

I've come to hate what I do. And I don't want to do it anymore.

My third problem is Spike himself. I think you guessed that already. Spike is a person with an ego bigger that the entire universe and the problem is that that ego makes him special like he is. He's that kind of a man who, when upon entering the room, everyone's eyes turn to him and in silence observe every one of his movements.

Then again, maybe it's just my imagination, because I tend to do that. He has this touch that could make my world go spinning for weeks. He's a mystery to me, for he is man of few words. You better look at what he's doing to get to know him a bit better. And still, I'm waiting for him to say something that would actually make some sense to me and wake me up from this monotony.

He doesn't.

Boy why can't you stay, here for a while

Stay, for a while

Stay with me

Sometimes, I get so desperate that I wait for him to come back in the darkest part of the lobby and hope that he will take me into his arms and give me promises of a better life to last me a lifetime. But then again, he doesn't do that either. I know it's not good to be hoping like that, but when a woman is in love, that's what she usually tends to do.

My love should remain a secret, although it's very well known. Jet once tried to speak to me about it and failed miserably. He didn't try it again and I'm forever grateful he didn't. Once I even thought there was a certain period of time when Jet was in love with me, but I soon neglected that fact. I was wrong, and that's that.

Spike will forever stay out of my reach. Maybe his Julia ruined him for other women who could have loved him endlessly. And maybe he ruined me for other men. But I really don't know. I don't know anything when Spike is concerned. I'm not sure I really want to, but on the other hand I pray to see more of him.

As I said, it's foolish to hope.

All in all, my problems aren't that big. The biggest is life itself. It's a game. My whole life is a game which I'm forced to play by living and reacting occasionally on animal instinct to stay afloat. So, we've come down to this - I have my memories that are not enough to keep me alive all the time, I hate the job I do and I'm loving a man who will never be able to love me back as I want him to.

There was a game we used to play...

Silly, right?

We used to be so free

We were living for the love we had

Living not for the reality

I'm sure. Now you've heard my problems and I have nothing more to say as the last puff of smoke coming out of my mouth floats through the air and my behind is aching from the position I've been siting in. I can hear the rain falling outside and I remember old movies when a terrible situation is going on and a character asks if it could be worse.

Then the rains starts falling, giving him an answer. That's exactly what I'm trying to say. My life is a stupidly played out game, and it gets worse on the days the rain falls. Usually, on a day like this, Spike is known to sometimes offer me a drink in a nearest bar.

I hear the footsteps and know this will be a day like those. His image appears on the doorway, he's drenched by the rain and the silence speaks more than words when we lock our gazes. Like always, his eyes bore the image of a shattered heart and a broken past and mine hold the hope that refuses to die away.

I won't get up yet, I'm waiting for him. He's never late.

"Wanna play?" He asks hoarsely, and blinks breaking the bond between us. I sigh, moving slightly forwards, that old despair sinking in, and the disappointment in my life starts hugging me from all sides. What a suitable question for my previous musings. I said my life is a game and he just asked if I want to play.

And now I tell you openly

You have my heart so don't hurt me

You're what I couldn't find

A totally amazing mind

So understanding and so kind

You know, it's hopeless to hope forever. But when Spike is in the question everything is possible. So never mind my problems, my lack of satisfaction with the way I'm leading my life right now. When the man that holds my heart asks me if I want to play my life with him, even for couple of hours, I know my answer.

"Hell, yeah."

THE END

AN: Rather pointless one-shot, really. I just had some musings about the show and some things about Faye kept popping up and this was created. Not so sure if I hit the cord with her, but hey, had to try.

The reason why it's so dark - the whole series have a rather dark touch. I would dare to say, a thouch of real life, opposing to the other animes that are being shown and created. Maybe that's why I love it so much and usually try not to write about Cowboy Bebop. I'm afraid I'll ruin the image I've created in my mind.

Like I said, had to give it a shot. The lyrics are randomly taken out of Crainberries songs, and random quotes from Nikita songs, for which I take no credit for. I hope you liked it.

Anisa