Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 4
EPISODE 6
Airdate: November 22, 2015
"My Thanksgiving with the CimFam"
Special Guest Stars: Cimorelli (Christina, Katherine, Lisa, Amy, Lauren, and Dani Cimorelli) as Themselves, Kira Kosarin as Lynne
SCENE 1
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The kids are all near Sparky's locker waiting for him to sort out his things.
RK: Man, this Thanksgiving is going to be one for the ages. First I'm going to look at that turkey like this and say, "It's time." Then I'm going to look at the macaroni and cheese and scream at the top of my lungs, "IT'S TIME!" Then I'm going to gaze into the cornbread and whisper to it the following three words: "It is time."
JAYLYNN: How long does this go on for?
WADE: About 15 minutes. He told me everything he plans to do before we got here. He even made a scale drawing of the toilet and the best time to use it after the meal.
BUSTER: He didn't do that.
WADE: Oh, really?
Wade pulls out a scale drawing of Sparky's toilet that RK made.
BUSTER: You monster.
RK: Look, I have to make sure everything's perfect. Thanksgiving is the one holiday you can eat what you want, however much you want and no one even yells at you for it.
JAYLYNN: What about New Year's Eve?
RK: There's an inflated sense of smugness about New Year's Eve dinner. I don't know, I hate it.
BUSTER: Sparky, you okay in there? Sparky?
Sparky is looking at a picture of Cimorelli that someone left in his locker, confused.
BUSTER: Sparky?
SPARKY: GAH! Hey Buster. I didn't hear your voice that time.
BUSTER: Are you feeling okay?
SPARKY: Of course I am, never been better. I'm just thinking about Cimorelli.
BUSTER: Cimorelli?
JAYLYNN: Who's that and why are you thinking about them?
RK: Remember, those white girls that can sing really well?
JAYLYNN: Fifth Harmony?
WADE: Not all of them are white.
JAYLYNN: So what the hell are you asking me then?
RK: We're not...Sparky, why are you thinking about Cimorelli?
SPARKY: I found this picture of them here in my locker. It's weird. I don't remember putting this here.
HALLEY: Hey guys. Oh, you found my Cimorelli picture. I've been looking for this.
SPARKY: You put that there? Knowing my mental trauma from a past experience?!
The kids all look at Sparky like he's going off the deep end.
SPARKY: I mean, uh, put the lime in the coconut.
SCENE 2
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
At night, Sparky is watching TV.
VOICEOVER: You see, back in the day, people had to get their milk delivered to them. Eventually, after multiple shootings, robberies, and lawsuits, that ended. Now people get their milk at the store like everyone else.
FEMALE VOICEOVER: My grandma told me that when delivering milk, the milkman would whistle a familiar, soothing tune.
SPARKY: What the f*** am I watching?
BITCH CLOCK: Hey Sparky, what's up?
SPARKY: I'm going insane. Halley put a picture of Cimorelli in my locker and I had no idea.
BITCH CLOCK: And this is a problem because...
SPARKY: I don't want to think about them again! Ever since that dream, I haven't been able to look at them the same way. What if it meant something?
BITCH CLOCK: Maybe it didn't mean anything. Maybe it was just a dream you had when you were drunk and you should just focus on enjoying Thanksgiving tomorrow.
SPARKY: Yeah, I guess. I mean, it was just a dream. Strange things happen in dreams. But it's so weird. I remember everything down to the last detail.
BITCH CLOCK: Well, there was one time I had a dream and I was a teamster. Then I found out I was just puking in the toilet.
SPARKY: Ew.
SCENE 3
The MacDougal Household
Exterior Frontyard
Seattle, Washington
A familiar van pulls up near Sparky's house on Thanksgiving morning. The scene then cuts to Cimorelli inside the van. A studio audience starts cheering and they begin wondering where the noise is coming from. It is revealed that the driver of the van was making the sound effect himself. The girls give him a weird stare, then he just hangs his head in shame.
CHRISTINA: Well, guys, are you ready?
KATHERINE: So let me get this straight. We're skipping Thanksgiving with the family just to hang out with some kid that we lived with for a couple days over a year ago?
CHRISTINA: Kath, what do I always tell you about pointing out the logic in a situation?
KATHERINE: It just leaves more questions that no one is smart enough to answer.
CHRISTINA: Good. I think Sparky will be very happy to see us again.
Amy looks around and sees a big smile on Lisa's face.
AMY: Why?
LISA: I just love Thanksgiving, don't you?
AMY: I do, but that face is really creepy.
LISA: That's how I feel about you in the morning. BURN!
AMY: This is going to be a really long day. Dani, put a jacket on, I don't want you walking around like that when you have a sore throat.
DANI: Amy, I keep telling you over and over that I just sound like this.
AMY: Sure you do. I believe you. *whispering to Lisa* I don't really believe her.
LISA: Wow. I had no idea when it was so obvious you didn't.
Amy and Lisa give each other antagonizing looks. The scene cuts to Sparky sleeping on the couch. He slowly starts to wake up and checks his Swatch.
SPARKY: I slept until 8:15?! Oh, I hate not staying up, it makes me feel like a dork.
The doorbell is rung, which confuses Sparky.
SPARKY: Wait, they're already here? Weird.
Sparky walks to the door and opens it. When he sees that it's Cimorelli, he just closes the door with a straight face.
SPARKY: No. Freaking. Way.
Sparky opens the door and sees that Cimorelli is still there.
SPARKY: What...what are you...what are you guys doing here?!
CHRISTINA: Well, Thanksgiving is that time of year where you remember all the great things in your life and give thanks to those that helped you.
SPARKY: And I fall into this category?
CHRISTINA: Yes you do. As a token of our gratitude, Sparky, we wanted to help you and your friends with Thanksgiving dinner.
SPARKY: Really? Like, I'm not just having an acid trip or I'm drunk or I hit my head on something hard last night?
CHRISTINA: Not that we know of.
SPARKY: Well, if you'll excuse me a minute, I have to make some arrangements, you know how it is.
AMY: Arrange away.
Sparky closes the door at that moment and sighs.
SPARKY: Okay, what's the number to the police?
CHRISTINA: I think that went well.
KATHERINE: How come it was only you that got to talk?
CHRISTINA: Because you guys were just standing here like a bunch of sticks. I mean, there are six people in this group, can we at least act like this is a team effort?
LAUREN: Hey, I just realized something.
CHRISTINA: What?
LAUREN: If the Pilgrims killed the Native Americans for helping them, doesn't that just contradict what Thanksgiving means in the first place?
DANI: Lauren, we all know that almost every single American holiday is just an excuse to get you to buy stuff.
LAUREN: Well, it's still pretty messed up.
Sparky searches up the number for the police on his phone when Bitch Clock walks downstairs.
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, check to see if they're still there!
BITCH CLOCK: Who, the guys?
SPARKY: Cimorelli! They're at the front door.
BITCH CLOCK: Look, Sparky, I know lightning struck once, but I really don't think something like this could ever happen again. You're getting a little too paranoid.
Bitch Clock looks through the peephole and sees Cimorelli.
BITCH CLOCK: Dude, when you grow up, you're going to be a serious pimp.
SPARKY: I don't want to be a pimp, I just want them arrested! They want to help us cook the meal for today.
BITCH CLOCK: What?! Oh, you're just insane now.
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, don't...
Bitch Clock opens the door and Cimorelli stares at him completely unaffected.
LISA: Oh, hey Bitch Clock.
BITCH CLOCK: Lisa, looking good today. Christina, you know what I'm thankful for?
CHRISTINA: I have a boyfriend. Nothing is going to happen between us. Nothing.
BITCH CLOCK: You say that now...
AMY: Hey Sparky, where's your friends? They coming soon?
SPARKY: Yeah, they are. Look, guys, I appreciate the offer, but my friends and I have this under control.
KATHERINE: Well, you heard the man, they have this under control. Come on girls, back to California.
CHRISTINA: Not so fast.
KATHERINE: You're really going to test my patience on the one day I don't want it, aren't you?
CHRISTINA: Look, Sparky, I know you see this as a strange situation.
SPARKY: It's extremely strange.
LISA: Yeah, see, our fans mean the world to us, but this is just reaching.
CHRISTINA: Okay, very strange. But when someone does a good thing for us, we do the right thing and return the favor.
AMY: A year and a half later.
CHRISTINA: Amy, please!
SPARKY: You know what? Who says you guys can't help out in the kitchen? I've seen the light, let's do this thing.
LAUREN: Alright, we get to help out in the kitchen!
KATHERINE: That's such an un-feminist thing to say.
BITCH CLOCK: Sparky, I thought you didn't even want them here.
SPARKY: I don't. I'm just going to humor them for a bit, then once it gets too weird, I'm calling the cops.
At that point, the door swings open as everyone else in Testicular Sound Express walks in. They stare down Cimorelli with widened eyes.
LISA: What's up, guys?
RK: You know, some kids just have all the luck.
JAYLYNN: Wait, I remember them! You're Cimorelli! Hey Lauren. Looking good.
LAUREN: Dani, please cover me.
DANI: Lauren's not here right now. She moved away to Brooklyn to start coaching the Nets, and she's not coming back for a while.
JAYLYNN: She's right behind you.
DANI: That's ghost Lauren. She just looks like my sister who I haven't seen in a while.
LISA: This should be one heck of a Thanksgiving.
Sparky groans after he hears Lisa say that.
SCENE 4
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The kids, Lauren, and Dani are all watching the Thanksgiving Day parade together.
BUSTER: If I knew you guys were coming, I would have brought something for you to autograph.
LAUREN: Oh, that's okay. Just find something we can sign and we'll do it.
BUSTER: Hmm, what to choose. Ooh, I got it! My orange soda glass from last year's Thanksgiving!
DANI: Orange soda glass?
BUSTER: Yeah. You see, every Thanksgiving, I save the glass that I drank out of that day and collect them. I also clean them, talk to them, wash them.
LAUREN: That's a little unhealthy.
DANI: That's the greatest thing in the world. Where do I sign?
WADE: RK, do you have any idea why a famous pop group would come to Sparky's house multiple times?
RK: I don't know. Everybody loves Sparky.
WADE: Yeah, but this is a bizarre phenomenon. I wish I could put my finger on it.
RK: Well, let's think about it. We have six attractive women in this house on Thanksgiving Day. It's not a bad deal.
AMY: Hey guys.
LISA: What's going on?
RK: Sup.
WADE: Salutations.
AMY: So I hear you guys have girlfriends now.
RK: Who told you that?
Amy and Lisa point to Buster, who is getting his glass signed by Lauren.
RK: That guy's always blabbing about something.
LISA: Sooooo, who's your bae?
WADE: Well, she's beautiful and...wait, what in the Lord's name is a bae?
CHRISTINA: Guys, you can play off of Sparky's friends later. I need your help here.
AMY: Alright, we'll talk later. Treat your girls right, guys.
RK: Sure thing.
WADE: Seriously, I have no idea what bae means.
LISA: You know, it's amazing how many kids are hooking up these days, and all I have are you people.
AMY: You make it sound like you're ashamed of us.
LISA: I have a complicated relationship with you. But I could always use someone else to snuggle with. Hey Amy, could I ask you a serious question?
AMY: Sure.
LISA: Am I handsome?
Amy gives Lisa a disturbed look.
AMY: Why don't we just go inside and see what Christina wants?
Amy and Lisa walk into the kitchen and see Sparky pulling out the turkey. Christina is standing next to Katherine with a whiteboard, which details everything that will be taking place in the kitchen.
AMY: How long have you had that whiteboard, Sparky?
SPARKY: I borrowed it from Wade.
CHRISTINA: Girls, we have a very important task. There are people out there dying and starving for food, and we have to answer the call.
KATHERINE: Don't you think you're laying it on real thick there?
CHRISTINA: I'm doing just enough, thank you. Now, Sparky has decided to work on the turkey which leaves us the task of doing almost everything else. This here on the whiteboard is a drawing of Lisa and the macaroni and cheese.
LISA: Why am I bald?
CHRISTINA: I forgot to draw hair. Now, with this macaroni and cheese, it's very simple. Lisa, your job is to go through the pantry and get out the Kraft boxes. Then you will make the macaroni and cheese in the pot while I rush in to make sure the cheese sauce is prepared in time. Amy, you will put in the chicken broth because once Lisa is done with the mac and cheese, she will put the cornbread in the oven at that point...*Lisa raises her hand*...yes, Lisa?
LISA: How come I don't have hair, but everyone else does?
CHRISTINA: I DON'T HAVE TIME TO EXPLAIN WHY YOU'RE BALD! Alright, I just got tired having to explain all of that so we'll have to do everything else as we go along.
SPARKY: Yeah, I'll handle the rest, girls. Thanks for helping out, but nobody touches the pie except me.
CHRISTINA: You got a deal, Sparks.
The camera cuts to Buster's eyes widening at that moment, which Wade notices.
WADE: Buster, what's wrong?
BUSTER: Somebody else was calling Sparky by his nickname...but they're not in the group. I'm suspicious.
SCENE 5
The MacDougal Household
Interior Sparky's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn is currently on her phone.
JAYLYNN: Dude, this shit is so crowded. I've never seen so many white girls in one place.
ANJA: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
JAYLYNN: I don't know. What are you doing?
ANJA: Watching football with Lynne.
JAYLYNN: But you're not a sports fan. Like, at all.
ANJA: We're trying to understand it. I have no idea why the first game is always in Detroit, and the second game is always in Dallas. That's kinda messed up.
JAYLYNN: Anja, it's...it's part of the Thanksgiving tradition. The NFL has to do that.
ANJA: Well, it's wrong. They should have the games somewhere else for a change.
JAYLYNN: That's why there's a third game at night.
LYNNE: Jaylynn, shut up. Stop acting like you know something.
JAYLYNN: Stop acting like I wouldn't kick your ass if I was there.
LYNNE: I'm thankful that I have my own place now so I don't have to see you anymore.
JAYLYNN: I'm thankful that I gave you a beatdown this summer.
ANJA: WILL YOU GUYS BE QUIET?! I'm trying to remember which team the Lions are.
JAYLYNN: They're the home team, Anja. You know, the ones wearing blue uniforms with the initials "DET" on the screen?
ANJA: Thank you, Ms. Sarcastic.
LYNNE: Wait, did they figure out who's playing in the Super Bowl yet?
ANJA: I don't know. I think we might find out before the end of the year. What do you think, Jaylynn?
Jaylynn hangs up at that point and puts her phone in her pocket, then starts walking out of Sparky's room.
JAYLYNN: Waste of my f***ing time.
SCENE 6
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The boys, without Sparky, and the Cimorelli girls, without Christina and Lisa, are still sitting around watching TV.
WADE: I looked up what bae meant.
RK: Before Anybody Else, Wade.
WADE: Yeah, but I found out the Danish meaning as well. All I'm going to say is, they should really consider a more appropriate moniker.
The scene cuts to Sparky, Christina, and Lisa in the kitchen.
SPARKY: Well, the turkey's looking good. But damn, I'm tired.
LISA: Me too. I feel like I'm back on tour. Looking at all those screaming girls telling us to do that song one more time. I ALREADY DID THE SONG SIX TIMES IN A ROW, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!
CHRISTINA: Lisa, calm down. Get a snack from the pantry.
LISA: You're right. Snacks calm me down. Snacks are what make the world go round.
Lisa goes inside the pantry and starts looking for something to eat.
LISA: Wow, you have a lot of stuff in here, Sparky. I should move in once the band breaks up.
CHRISTINA: That's a really positive mindset to have, sis.
LISA: Can't I be realistic for one second? Ooh, BelVita biscuits! But they're banana bread. Hmmm, I don't really like that kind so what I would do is...eat it anyway.
Lisa takes out the box of biscuits with a bored expression then opens one of the packs like a madman. Then she starts chomping down on the biscuit and chewing loudly. Sparky and Christina are dumbfounded, which causes Sparky to start whispering in Christina's ear.
SPARKY: Is she doing a bit or something?
CHRISTINA: No, she's just gotten weirder since the last time we were here.
SPARKY: Alright. Well, I have to take a nap. Do you think you guys can watch the food?
CHRISTINA: Sure. But I have to go to the store for a little something. Lisa?
Lisa is then shown with her mouth full and whipped cream on her face.
LISA: Yes?
CHRISTINA: Yeah. Do you think you, Katherine, or Amy can watch the food until I get back from the store? Sparky's going to take a nap.
LISA: Sure thing.
CHRISTINA: Now Lisa, remember what happened last time. Keep your eyes on the food. Don't start wandering around the house, don't call your friends, don't do anything that might distract you.
LISA: Is that my role now? Am I supposed to be like the stupid one or something?
AMY: Yes.
LISA: SHUT UP, AMY, STOP EAVESDROPPING! I don't know why you guys wouldn't trust me with this. I mean, what makes you think I'm going to screw this up?
CHRISTINA: Because sometimes, you have the attention span of a peanut.
LISA: No, I don't.
AMY: You do, I can prove it. June 19, 2014, that was when you...
LISA: YOU WANT TO TAKE THIS OUTSIDE, AMY?!
CHRISTINA: Lisa, please just make sure you and the others keep an eye on the food. This has to be a good dinner.
LISA: Alright, General Crankypants, I won't let you down.
CHRISTINA: Thank you. Hey, where's Sparky? He was just here.
LISA: I'm assuming he went to take a nap like you said he would. Man, you're losing your touch.
SCENE 7
The MacDougal Household
Interior Sparky's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
Sparky walks into the room and takes his pants off, then crawls into bed while Bitch Clock watches the whole thing from his dresser.
BITCH CLOCK: Why do you always feel the need to strip in front of me?
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, wake me up in about an hour or so. I want to put the finishing touches on the dinner.
BITCH CLOCK: Alright. By the way, why are you so chummy with Cimorelli now? I thought you were going to snitch to the police.
SPARKY: I was, but then I realized that, as weird as it is that they're here again for no apparent reason, I still like them. I mean, they're really sweet and funny. They haven't changed at all. I don't know why I was so scared to face them again.
BITCH CLOCK: I don't know why Christina can't just accept me for what I am. But you're right. They're not assholes or anything like that.
SPARKY: I never knew you were a fan of them.
BITCH CLOCK: I was like, really pissy drunk when I first heard them on the radio and they're okay. By the way, I'm eating light today.
SPARKY: Why? It's Thanksgiving.
BITCH CLOCK: Because at 8:00, it's a football game at Tony's house, all you can eat and all the brain cells you can kill with liquor, baby!
SPARKY: I knew you wouldn't spend the day sober.
SCENE 8
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
With Christina and Sparky gone, the remaining members of the TSE/Cimorelli clan are all watching TV together.
BUSTER: I'm going to be honest, I'm a little bored.
RK: Yeah, where's the food? Where's the parade, where's the football?
WADE: We already saw the parade and we're watching the football right now.
RK: Oh yeah. No wonder I forgot. This shit is just white noise.
Jaylynn gets a phone call from Anja at that point. She then sucks her teeth.
JAYLYNN: Hello Anja.
ANJA: Jaylynn, did you hear about what Tom Brady did?
JAYLYNN: Technically, he got away with it, so he didn't do it.
ANJA: Okay, well, I've been reading up on Peyton Manning and I don't get why people hate him so much. Do you know why? They bully him and that's not cool.
JAYLYNN: Ugh, does anybody want to talk to Anja about football?
RK: Well, you just made this Thanksgiving pick up. Hello Anja. Yeah, Jaylynn doesn't want to talk to you. Why? Because's she's an octoroon. Technically, only one-eighth of her can talk to you. Yeah, I like Peyton Manning, but he's not better than Brady. Well, for one, have you seen the rings? It's an open and shut case. Lynne, stop screaming in the background, your sister's trying to ask me something.
LAUREN: Jaylynn, what's wrong?
JAYLYNN: Oh, Anja was just asking me about football and it pisses me off. She barely knows anything.
LAUREN: Who's Anja?
JAYLYNN: I would tell you, but that's a whole lot of episodes to talk about.
DANI: Hey, is something burning? It smells like turkey.
AMY: Lisa, didn't Christina tell you to watch the food?
LISA: No, she told you, me, and Katherine to watch the food.
KATHERINE: How was I supposed to know?!
LISA: Well, whatever happens, we're all taking the rap for this.
AMY: No, you are, because it was your responsibility.
LISA: But you knew what Christina said too. Why didn't you watch the food?
AMY: Oh my God. It's my fault too! THE FOOD!
Lisa and Amy rush into the kitchen to check out the situation, but the scene holds on the others trying to react.
DANI: I just realized that if you combine Thanksgiving and Cimorelli, you get "Thanksgivorelli."
LAUREN: You're trying way too hard right now.
DANI: At least I am trying!
Lisa and Amy get rid of the smoke, but the results are unsavory: They take the burnt turkey out, and then they realize that the macaroni and cheese was burnt as well, with no chicken broth put in it or cheese sauce put on it. The cornbread was never put in the oven either.
LISA: Oh my God. Amy, we killed Thanksgiving.
AMY: We're dead.
Lisa takes out a harmonica from her pocket and starts playing "Big Time Theme Song" on it. The actual song begins playing as Amy just hangs her head in shame.
SCENE 9
The MacDougal Household
Interior Kitchen
Seattle, Washington
AMY: I...I can't believe this. We ruined Thanksgiving for everybody!
LISA: Sparky trusted us and we failed him. Well, actually, Christina trusted me, but through a series of events that culminated in this situation, the narrative ended up changing to accommodate...
AMY: I get it, Lise. It's confusing for me too. What are we going to do? It's already 3:25, most families are probably eating dessert right now!
LISA: Well, this is a very serious issue so we just need to be smart. Okay, I'll just go with the backup plan.
AMY: What's the backup plan?
LISA: We use a special raygun to knock everybody unconscious, wiping their memory of everything that happened today. Then we take a night train to Mexico and change our names. Mine will be Maria Sanchez Perez Ramirez, and yours will be Guillermo del Rosso Garcia Morales. We'll never see our family again, and of course our fans will be worried, but at least we won't be responsible for ruining Thanksgiving.
There is an awkward pause for two seconds as Amy looks at the floor briefly.
AMY: Why would I have a guy's name?
Buster and RK run into the kitchen at that moment and see everything.
LISA: Act natural. They'll figure everything out within a second.
AMY: You know how much I suck at lying. I can't look people in the eye and not tell the truth. It's so dirty.
LISA: Well, think on your feet.
RK: You guys realize we can hear everything you're saying, right?
AMY: We had nothing to do with the food burning and Christina trusting Lisa and me knowing what happened, but not doing anything to stop it. It's just not right to blame us for that.
LISA: You're just unbelievable.
BUSTER: You guys ruined the whole dinner?! Do you know how much planning goes into this dinner, guys? Lots of planning. Weeks and weeks of planning. This is our warm-up Christmas!
AMY: Look, we're really sorry about what happened. But what are we gonna do?
RK: Well, first off, I don't know why you're sorry. This is all Lisa's fault.
LISA: Hey, don't point that thing at me!
RK: I wasn't even pointing. And anyway, if you had just listened to what Christina told you, none of this would have happened in the first place.
LISA: That's not even fair! Amy knew what Christina said and she just sat there with me!
RK: Well, in that case, that makes her an accessory before, during, and after the fact.
BUSTER: Yeah, both of you screwed up bad.
AMY: Thank you for making me feel even worse about this whole thing.
LISA: We just need to tell Christina and Sparky the truth. It's only fair.
BUSTER: Yeah, and there's no way you guys are going to be able to keep this under wraps. Let's just lie to everyone else so they don't think something's up.
KATHERINE: Too late.
BUSTER: Oh man, I thought you guys were just sitting there not talking to each other!
KATHERINE: Well, it looks like we're all accessories somehow. Let's just make sure we get our stories straight.
WADE: I'm an accessory too.
RK: Why? You knew absolutely nothing.
WADE: Yeah, but I don't want Lisa and Amy to get punished for everything. I don't want you two to get punished for just finding out about it, and I don't want you to get punished for just finding out about it, Katherine. I think I know a way we can all get out of this.
SCENE 10
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Dani is watching Lauren brush Jaylynn's hair.
DANI: So let me get this straight. This Lynne girl is Anja's sister, and all she ever does is pick on you?
JAYLYNN: Pretty much. I had to beat the life out of her one time. Now her reason for messing with me is more petty than justified.
DANI: Wow. I mean, I'm not violent at all, but maybe Lynne deserved it.
JAYLYNN: Eh, she's nothing these days. If she ever gets out of line again, it's on sight.
LAUREN: You know, Jaylynn, you have so many looks. You ever thought about growing your hair out?
JAYLYNN: I did at one point, but I hated it. It just got too long. Then I said to myself, "Why not go for the Hayley Williams look?" And the rest is history.
LAUREN: Well, by the time I'm done with you, you're going to look like Jennifer Lawrence.
JAYLYNN: Eh, she's aight, I guess. By the way, sorry for kidnapping you when we first met.
LAUREN: Oh, that's okay. You're not as weird as I thought you were.
DANI: Yeah, you remind us of us when we were your age.
JAYLYNN: Oh no. Are you guys going to tell me a story from back in the day?
DANI: Well, now that you mention it, we have to.
LAUREN: Back when we were your age, we had the Jonas Brothers.
JAYLYNN: I'm ten, are you sure that lines up?
DANI: Eh, it was around that time. Anyway, the Jonas Brothers...
The scene cuts to the kitchen and everyone is trying to clean up.
BUSTER: Okay, so can we go through the plan again?
WADE: Sure. The plan is, when Sparky and/or Christina get here, we tell them that something caught on fire and it almost ruined the whole kitchen. But we all thought fast and tried putting it out. Unfortunately, the food burned and we couldn't save it in time.
LISA: Nice plan, Wade. I feel better about this already. Don't you, Amy?
AMY: No, because we're lying and I'm a terrible liar!
KATHERINE: You know, Amy, if you're this uppity about it, we can always tell them the truth.
AMY: No, we can't do that! That means they're going to find out what actually happened and that can't happen.
RK: It's Thanksgiving, I'm only supposed to have this knot in my stomach between dinner and dessert.
WADE: Look, we all have to stick to the plan. It's the only way to make sure none of us get in any real trouble.
Christina walks through the front door whistling Cimorelli's "All My Friends Say" and leaves her shopping bag near the coat rack. She walks into the kitchen and sees everybody with big smiles and no food anywhere.
CHRISTINA: Okay, what happened?
KATHERINE: There might have been a little accident. An okie-doke, if you will.
CHRISTINA: Did the okie-doke have anything to do with the food?
KATHERINE: Yes, but it's not what you think happened.
CHRISTINA: Lisa, I trusted you with this. How come you couldn't just do what I told you?
LISA: I did, and like Kath said, there was an accessory. I mean, accident.
WADE: Yes. You see, Christina, it turns out an unfortunate dish rag was placed too close to the stove. It ended up catching fire and before we knew it, it spread to the whole kitchen.
RK: The food wasn't saved. But we went down as heroes.
BUSTER: Yes. That's what we did. Our whole warm-up Christmas...gone.
CHRISTINA: I knew I shouldn't have left that rag there.
AMY: I think it's working.
LISA: I didn't even know there was a rag.
BUSTER: I didn't even know no one prepared the mashed potatoes when they should have.
Sparky walks in at that moment and smells smoke.
SPARKY: I just want to know why I smell smoke when I shouldn't be smelling smoke.
RK: Sparky?! I forgot about him. Sparkay, Sparko, the Big Spark Plug, Sp-sp-sp-Sparky, how are you doing?
SPARKY: I woke up from my nap and I came down here to see that you're stalling. Why?
RK: Interesting you say that, man. You know, sometimes, it's nice to take your mind off something by thinking about something else. You know how last year, you caught me trying to steal a whole pumpkin pie before dinner?
SPARKY: Yeah, the pie jacking. It almost ruined the entire meal.
RK: Well, while you were pissed off then, that doesn't compare to you being pissed off now. If you feel pissy, get pissy, it's okay. We never...
Wade covers RK's mouth at that moment and takes him out of the kitchen.
WADE: What the hell are you doing?!
RK: I got nervous.
SPARKY: I want to know what's going on right now.
CHRISTINA: There was a fire that burned all the food.
SPARKY: WHAT?!
LISA: It wasn't anyone's fault, something just caught on fire and we were unable to put it out in time.
AMY: NOTHING HAPPENED!
Everybody stares at Amy. For Sparky and Christina, confusion. For everyone else, annoyance.
AMY: Is what I like to say about movies that go on too long and don't...don't talk about the chipmove and the...orangutans.
SPARKY: You know what? I predicted some BS would go down, so that's why I have an extra turkey. It shouldn't take too long to get it in the oven. We make everything else alongside the macaroni and cheese and the cornbread, we can bang this out before 7.
CHRISTINA: And this time, we're all supervising to make sure nothing happens.
KATHERINE: Sounds fair.
LISA: I like where this is going.
AMY: Yuparoo. Hehe.
Wade and RK come back in at that moment.
RK: What happened, we missed all the good stuff.
SPARKY: We're getting back to work on this dinner, that's what happened. Get your aprons and break out the whiteboard because it's time to get cooking.
WADE: We missed all that?
RK: Now I know how characters on TV feel.
WADE: I know, right?
SCENE 11
The MacDougal Household
Interior Dining Room
Seattle, Washington
Everyone is getting their plates so they can start serving themselves. Jaylynn, Lauren, and Dani are the last to come in.
JAYLYNN: You know, it was fun talking to you two all day.
DANI: Hey, we feel the same way. You're pretty awesomesauce.
JAYLYNN: Oh my God, you say that too?
LAUREN: She says it about 40 times a day. She said it during a concert once and at that point, I just wanted to stop the show.
DANI: Come on, you know you love it. Say it with me. Awesomesauce.
LAUREN: No.
DANI: Awesomesauce.
LAUREN: No.
DANI: Thanksgivorelli.
LAUREN: Awesomesauce. Oh, darn it!
DANI: HA!
On the other side of the table, Lisa and Amy are filling their plates with sweet potatoes.
AMY: Lisa, I don't feel good about this.
LISA: Yeah, I know. I'm dreading how much of this is going to go through me tonight. But hey, YOLO.
AMY: No one says that anymore. And I'm talking about the lying. We told a lie to our sister and Sparky. That has to be some kind of sin.
LISA: Look, Amy, it worked out in the end so why does it matter? Some people like to call me strange from time to time, but if I thought about what everyone said all the time, I would never be happy. Don't let your mistakes get to you.
AMY: I know what you mean. But I can't stop thinking about it. I just heard a voice in my head telling me to come clean about everything.
LISA: Was that your conscience?
AMY: Yes.
LISA: Tell it to pipe down, it's dinnertime.
Amy gives Lisa a bored expression and then sits down to eat alongside the others.
KATHERINE: I think we should say grace before we eat.
RK: And then talk about what we're thankful for?
SPARKY: Sure. Okay, who wants to set it off? Lauren, because you're on your phone during the meal, Lauren!
LAUREN: Oh, sorry. Force of habit. Um, okay. Dear Lord, we would like to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for this bountiful...
The camera slowly zooms into Amy while everyone else is bowing their heads with their eyes closed. She is the only one who is not. We start to hear her inner thoughts.
AMY: Grace? What's the point? What's the point of thanking the Lord when he let me off the hook for lying about the fire? Why couldn't I have just checked on the food when I knew Lisa wouldn't? I don't deserve to take part in grace. Grace is for good girls. Grace is for people who do the right thing and don't take shortcuts. Grace discriminates. Grace always discriminates.
Amy gasps when she sees that the mashed potatoes are beginning to move around her plate. Two eyes pop out of nowhere, along with a mouth. Amy starts sweating as the mashed potatoes begin staring at her intently.
POTATOES: TELL THE TRUTH, AMY! YOU CAN'T OUTRUN A LIE! TELL THE TRUTH, AMY! TELL THE TRUUUUUUUU...
Amy starts viciously stabbing the mashed potatoes, and they begin screaming in agony and desperation, then start gasping for air. The eyes and mouth finally disappear, and Amy holds up her fork in victory.
AMY: YES! IN YOUR FACE, MASHED POTATOES! QUIT TALKING TO ME! YOU KNOW GOOD AND WELL THAT YOU'LL NEVER GET THE BEST OF AMY CIMORELLI!
The scene cuts back to real time as Amy realizes she has mashed potatoes all over her face. Everybody is in absolute shock at Amy's behavior, except for RK who just blissfully chomps on his turkey leg smothered in gravy.
BUSTER: I thought you said you would beat us with a switch if we played with our food, Sparky.
AMY: Um...I'm just really pumped up for this meal. Thanksgiving, wooo!
Lisa covers her face in disbelief as Christina and Katherine exchange glances.
SCENE 12
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Testicular Sound Express is saying their final goodbyes to Cimorelli near the front door.
WADE: You know, this was actually a delightful day with you guys.
LAUREN: Thanks. We all had fun today.
AMY: We all did, every single stinking one of us.
RK: Alright, well, let me help you with those bags, Lisa.
LISA: Thank you. Such a gentleman.
BUSTER: Hey, I-I can be a gentleman too. Lauren, Dani, need any help?
JAYLYNN: Already on it, Buster.
Jaylynn takes Dani's bags outside.
DANI: Jaylynn, remember the handshake.
JAYLYNN: I got it down. But don't you think it's a little complicated?
DANI: That's what makes it fun!
JAYLYNN: True that.
CHRISTINA: Kath, can I talk to you?
KATHERINE: We're not staying here overnight, forget it.
CHRISTINA: I thought about that, but no. I wanted to talk to you about Amy. What's going on with her?
KATHERINE: Well, puberty is so complicated at this point. She's probably stressing over regular teenage stuff.
CHRISTINA: The girl is 20.
KATHERINE: Come on, she can't fool everybody.
CHRISTINA: Look, I believe something is going on. And if something's going on, I want you to tell me what's going on. Do you understand?
KATHERINE: You don't have to treat me like a little kid anymore. We're grown now, I get it. And if there was anything going on with Amy and I knew about it, I would tell you. But I don't, so you're plumb out of luck.
Katherine walks out of the house while Christina rubs her chin in speculation.
SPARKY: Hey Christina?
CHRISTINA: Yeah, Sparky?
SPARKY: Thanks for a great Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for you guys' help. I know I was a little creeped out at first, but you and the girls really came through for me.
CHRISTINA: We're happy to help, Sparky. You're one of our favorite fans and we'll come here every year if we need to.
SPARKY: Oh, you don't need to do that. At all. But take care of yourself. Best of luck for you and the girls.
CHRISTINA: Thank you so much.
Christina and Sparky share a big hug and Christina leaves the house at that point. Everyone else is in the van, while TSE is near the door.
WADE: So where are they off to?
SPARKY: The Marriott.
RK: That's hot.
BUSTER: Yeah, that place is bumping.
JAYLYNN: I'm going to miss Lauren and Dani. At least we'll always have Thanksgiving.
RK: Ewww, corny patrol.
JAYLYNN: I'm also part of the beatdown patrol.
RK: What is that?
JAYLYNN: It's an organization that helps you get your ass kicked.
Meanwhile, in the car...
DANI: I think Thanksgivorelli went pretty well, don't you think?
LAUREN: If you keep on saying that, I'm going to throw all of your Ed Sheeran posters in the trash when we get home.
DANI: Alright, don't get all emotional now.
LISA: Amy, we need to talk.
AMY: Look, maybe I shouldn't have eaten that piece of pie, but I didn't know it was yours.
LISA: It's okay. I'm sorry I stabbed you with that fork. But what's with you stabbing the potatoes? We got away with it and now you're going to blow it.
AMY: Is that all you care about? Getting away with it?
LISA: I care more about my life and living. And not having Christina crush me with her foot. She put her trust in me and I screwed up again. I don't know if I can be honest with her.
AMY: Look, maybe neither of us can be really happy until we tell the truth.
LISA: I guess. I mean, what's the worst that can really happen?
A thought bubble appears above Lisa's head at that point. Lisa is in a courtroom with Amy and Katherine with Christina as the judge. RK, Buster, and Wade are also on trial. Sparky, Jaylynn, Lauren, and Dani are part of the jury.
CHRISTINA: Has the jury reached a verdict?
SPARKY: We have, Your Honor. We, the jury, find the defendants guilty of all charges of arson and attempted perjury, along with being accessories to arson.
CHRISTINA: Well, in that case, I deliver the following sentences. Buster, RK, Wade, Katherine, you each receive one to three years in federal prison.
RK: Hey, that's not so bad.
WADE: We're all going to jail for at least a year, how is that a good thing?
RK: Shut your trap, you're going to make it worse.
CHRISTINA: Lisa and Amy Cimorelli, I hereby sentence you to eight counts of eight to ten years in prison. The sentences, running concurrently, are as follows. Count one, eight to ten years. Count two, eight to ten years. Count three...
AMY: Oh no. All these sentences?! We'll die!
Lisa rolls her eyes at Amy's comment and the thought bubble disappears.
LISA: Amy, do you even know what a concurrent prison sentence means?
AMY: What are you talking about?
LISA: Oh, nothing. Just something I saw on cable.
CHRISTINA: Wave goodbye, everyone!
The girls all wave goodbye to TSE as the van slowly drives off into the night.
JAYLYNN: Hey, is there still some pumpkin pie left? Lisa stabbed me for my piece.
SPARKY: Yeah, there's plenty. Come check it out.
Sparky and Jaylynn walk inside. RK and Wade follow, but they see that Buster is just standing there.
RK: Buster, the temperature drops at night, you should come inside before you turn into an iceberg.
BUSTER: I was just thinking about the fire. Maybe we should just tell Sparky what happened.
WADE: Why? We didn't do anything. We didn't even know there was a fire at first.
RK: Yeah, we have plausible deniability.
BUSTER: No, we don't. We found out what happened.
RK: Well, we can let Lisa and Amy deal with that. Besides, I can't have this on my conscience. It's the holidays. I just want to eat until I get fat, buy some sexy new clothes and hope Santa brings me Tori Kelly for Christmas.
RK walks inside.
WADE: Buster, I know you hate keeping things from Sparky, but this is for the best. There's just too much at stake.
Wade walks inside while Buster remains outside with a disappointed look on his face.
SCENE 13
The Marriott Hotel
Interior Lobby
Seattle, Washington
Christina is checking in for the girls while they all sit down in the lobby. Katherine notices that Amy is still upset.
KATHERINE: Hey Lisa, why don't you talk to Amy? I still think what happened today is bugging her.
LISA: She's a strong girl, she'll pull through. I mean, we always tell our fans to stay positive through it all. What kind of role models would we be if we didn't practice what we preached?
KATHERINE: Lisa...
LISA: Alright, calm down. "Ooh, look at me. I'm Katherine getting all moral with my morality." Poppycock.
Lisa goes to the other side of the room to talk to Amy while Katherine goes to the check-in desk.
CHRISTINA: They're getting our room keys now. What's wrong, Kath?
KATHERINE: I'm worried about Lisa.
CHRISTINA: I've always worried about Lisa. Join the club.
LISA: Hey Amy, what's going on?
AMY: Just thinking about what I can do to make it up to God so I don't go to Hell for what I did.
LISA: Okay, dark. But look. If I were you, I wouldn't be so hard on myself. Christina trusted me to take care of the food and I messed up. I'm the one to blame.
AMY: But I knew what Christina said and I couldn't even get off my lazy butt just to turn off the oven.
LISA: Well, yeah. You did screw up that time.
AMY: Thanks so much, Lise. Wait a second. Why am I the one worrying about this? It was mostly your fault in the first place!
LISA: Maybe so, but at least I'm trying to talk to you and make things right.
AMY: No, you just think I'm going to tell the truth and you want me to keep my mouth shut. At least pay me if you're going to do that!
LISA: Amy, will you please calm down?
AMY: No, I'm not! The truth is, you've been a pretty bad sister all day and I'm sick of it! I'm going to do what I should have done in the first place.
LAUREN: Guys, what's going on?
LISA: Nothing, Amy's just losing her mind. You know her. Always trying to screw around with that brain of hers. Hey, you remember that one time Amy lost her mind when she thought that no one was listening to her music video idea? Classic moment. Very classic Amy. What do you think, Amy?
The camera pulls back to reveal that Amy is gone.
CHRISTINA: Lisa, do you know where Amy went?
LISA: Sometimes, we should all question where our old self went.
Amy is then shown in the van.
AMY: 945 Meadowbrook Lane, please.
Amy stares back at the hotel and the van takes off. The other girls see it through the window and all shout "OH MY GOD!" in unison.
LISA: GUYS, WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING! AMY'S GOING TO BLOW THE WHOLE PLAN JUST TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT HERSELF! SHE'S LOST IT!
CHRISTINA: What plan?
KATHERINE: The...the plan of Ponce de Leon, Christina. You know what, Lisa? You and me should go chase after Amy so Christina and Lauren and Dani can stop giving us those stares and making us feel awkward AND LET'S GET OUT OF HERE NOW!
Lisa and Katherine scream as they run out of the hotel and try chasing after the van, but it is already out of sight.
LISA: Katherine, I'm scared. Amy's going to spill the beans to Sparky and when she does, WE'RE DEAD!
KATHERINE: We're not dead yet, but we'll never catch them on foot.
LISA: What other transportation can we use in Seattle?
KATHERINE: The bus!
LISA: Right. The bus is a source of transportation!
Katherine gives Lisa a confused look.
LISA: I'm sorry, it was the heat of the moment. LET'S GO!
Lisa and Katherine begin running to the nearest bus stop.
SCENE 14
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Amy is on the couch with Sparky while the others stand around the living room.
SPARKY: I don't get it. You guys caused the fire and instead of telling me, you lied about it?
AMY: We're really sorry about everything.
Lisa and Katherine rush into the living room and fall down, tired beyond belief while breathing heavily.
LISA: Someone kill me.
AMY: You guys are too late. I couldn't keep the secret anymore.
LISA: What?! You squealed?
SPARKY: And that's another thing. I thought Cimorelli was supposed to be the good guy here. Lisa, I never expected you would do something like this.
RK: Yeah, you went full-on cuckoo bananas today.
SPARKY: Shut up, RK! You, Buster, and Wade knew the whole time and couldn't even tell me! Do you know what could have happened if that fire was worse? All of you had really bad judgment today trying to hide this from me. I respect Amy for coming here and being honest, but I don't know if I can ever look at any of you the same way ever again.
LISA: Sparky, do you know how much it sucks to screw things up? To constantly try and do the right thing but you can't? I just wanted to prove to Christina I could handle things on my own, by myself, and I screwed up once again. I let Amy deal with all of the guilt when I should have been way nicer to her. I let you guys bail me out when you didn't need to, and I had to lie about everything just to save myself. Don't blame them for this, Sparky. It was all my fault and I should have been more responsible.
SPARKY: So this is completely your fault?
LISA: Yeah. I'm really sorry I almost ruined Thanksgiving.
SPARKY: Well, I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I'm going to have to put you down.
LISA: WHAT?!
SPARKY: Lisa, I know you meant well, but I can't just let you get off scot-free. You're dead to me.
("Live Nigga Rap" by Nas featuring Mobb Deep playing in the background)
The entire scene is played in slow-motion. Sparky walks upstairs with a sick grin on his face and looks for something in his bedroom. He opens a box in his closet and pulls out a 9mm Smith and Wesson handgun. Meanwhile, a cab pulls up near Sparky's house. Sparky tests out the gun and then walks downstairs. Everybody sees the gun and starts yelling at Sparky not to shoot at Lisa. Christina, Lauren, and Dani arrive just in time to see Sparky point the gun at Lisa. Before he can do it, Katherine takes advantage of Sparky's momentary contemplation and starts wrestling him for the gun. Pretty soon, it leads to everybody getting involved trying to stop the gun from being fired at anyone. One bullet goes off but it is extremely difficult to see who pulled the trigger or who was shot, and it ends up waking Sparky up.
SPARKY: WHAT THE F*** WAS THAT?!
SCENE 15
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is now telling the story of his dream to Testicular Sound Express, KG, Halley, Adriana, and Anna.
SPARKY: So then Amy had this weird fantasy where her mashed potatoes were talking to her.
BUSTER: And then what happened?
SPARKY: She started stabbing them.
RK: WHAT?!
SPARKY: Yeah, she was like, "You'll never get the best of Amy Cimorelli!"
KG: Just one question: What was I doing?
SPARKY: You weren't in my dream.
KG: Well, that's a real shocker.
JAYLYNN: Sparky, how are you able to remember all this?
SPARKY: I have no idea. I guess my Cimorelli dreams just have something special about them.
ADRIANA: Well, there won't be anything special about my starvation if you know what I mean.
ANNA: Yeah, let's get this dinner started.
SPARKY: Kids, it shall be that way to your left in yonder dining room.
The kids all walk towards the dining room to get their food when Halley walks up to Sparky.
SPARKY: What?
HALLEY: You know, I would never do anything to make you feel uncomfortable. You could have told me that you didn't want the picture in there.
SPARKY: I didn't even know it was in there until yesterday. But I don't know. When I first had that dream, I thought it was supposed to mean something. But now that I have this one, maybe it really wasn't supposed to mean anything at all.
HALLEY: I think you still really like Cimorelli and you want to meet them one day.
SPARKY: Yeah, I do. But I can't wait for that day to come, I have to know the answers now.
HALLEY: You have one answer: I love you and I'm thankful to get to spend the day with you.
SPARKY: I'm thankful for you too, sweetie.
Sparky and Halley kiss for a few seconds and then walk into the dining room together. Sparky's phone, which he left in the living room, starts ringing at that moment. The camera cuts to the Cimorelli house in Malibu, California. In her room, Christina hears the phone ring multiple times but no one picks up. Katherine walks in at that moment.
CHRISTINA: Hey, what happened to knocking?
KATHERINE: Sorry. We're about to eat, what are you doing?
CHRISTINA: I was trying to call my friend, but I couldn't get an answer. I think I hit the wrong number or something.
KATHERINE: Well, come downstairs. I don't trust Lisa with that fork in her hand.
CHRISTINA: Oh yeah, I should get down there quick.
Back in Seattle...
Sparky gets his phone back and sees that he has a missed call from Malibu. He simply shrugs and puts the phone in his pocket, then walks back into the dining room. The screen fades to black and we now see Testicular Sound Express standing in front of a white wall.
SPARKY: Hi, I'm Sparky.
JAYLYNN: I'm Jaylynn.
RK: I'm RK.
BUSTER: I'm Buster.
WADE: I'm Wade.
TSE: And we're Testicular Sound Express. Now it's time for...
STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!
KIDS: Music Time!
STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.
(An a cappella version of "Let It Roll" performed by Cimorelli plays over the end credits)
©2015 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
HAPPY THANKSGIVING FROM THE WHOLE THANK YOU, HEAVENLY FAMILY