Ed goes to School
"Ed" Roy called, "Ed where are you?"
"Hiding." Ed answered.
"Well where?" Roy asked again.
"Um…in um…a barrel." Ed answered again.
"Well, if you're going to hide from me you have to pick someplace…oh let's say not flammable." Roy threatened Ed.
"Fine, I'll come out, just be patient." Ed said reluctantly. Ed got out of the barrel and soon stood in front of Roy.
"Now Ed, you know what this is about. Don't you?" Roy tried to get the answer out of Ed.
"Um…sort of." Ed said while staring down at his shoes.
Before saying anything else, Roy looked around to see if anyone else was around. "You failed the fourth grade, you idiot! All state alchemists have to have passed all elementary level classes. So before any of my superiors find out, I will enroll you in a fourth grade class."
"No way! Not then, not now, not ever!" Ed yelled out, seriously annoyed.
"It's too late. I have already enrolled you in the class. And on a plus side, you'll blend in, considering your height formality." Roy said with a smirk on his face.
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!" Ed wailed.
XXX
Roy was with Ed in front of Central's elementary school. Little kids were running around and Ed was the only one out of the fun, though Roy enjoyed the change of scenery.
"So Ed, now be a good little tike…" Roy started.
"You had to call me short. I'm almost as tall as you." Ed interrupted.
"Well I have packed you a lunch with a nice shiny apple you can give to the teacher. Oh, and I almost forgot, I gave you a carton of milk" Roy said with a grin on his face.
"But I hate milk!!!" Ed yelled, clearly not enjoying the situation.
Roy looked taken back by Ed's rude remark to his generous offer. "But it has a picture of a cow on it. Moo." Roy stammered.
"Go fall in a hole." Ed said cruelly and stalked off toward the school.
XXX
Ed was now in his temporary fourth grade classroom. There were little kids (not much shorter then Ed) running around and reading. Ed suddenly felt very small.
"Don't worry my little man. You'll be fine." Roy said cheerfully and quickly ran off.
"Great I'm now left all alone." Ed murmured.
Ed took a seat in the back of the classroom as the other kids did. Then a tall man with a military uniform came walking in.
"Oh, Edward Elric I see you are actually going to try to pass this class." The man said.
Edward knew immediately who the man was and saluted him, "Führer Bradley, I was unexpecting you to teach the class."
"Well I do this in my spare time. You know, to hang out with the next generation." Führer Bradley announced.
"Okay, can we just get this over with?" Ed whined.
"Okay then," the Führer said to Edward then turned to the rest of the class, "You all will be taking a math test today, so you need your calculators. Remember that if you don't finish, a big chunk of your grade will be lost."
"Oh, Führer I don't have a calculator." Ed said.
"You can use mine," the Führer said and handed Ed his calculator. "Her name is Lust, be careful with her, she has… some emotional problems."
"Thanks."Ed said, but he thought whowould name a calculator.
Ed read the instructions for the test. He thought it would be easy and pulled out a pencil and began. He breezed through the first five questions, but when the sixth one came Ed was unprepared.
"Fractions, great. I know! I'll use my calculator." Ed said to himself and powered on his calculator. A blinking line appeared and signaled it was ready.
"All I want is to be human. I want to be with my fiance. I don't want to suffer anymore, I need the Philosopher's Stone" The calculator named Lust said.
"What the crap!!! Did my calculator just talk to me?" Ed said aloud.
"Is there a problem Edward?" Führer Bradley asked as he came over to see what Ed was so worked up over.
"Uh ya. My calculator, the one you named Lust, thinks I'm a counselor. That's not normal." Ed answered.
"My apologies, Lust tends to do that. Let me get you a new one." Führer Bradley said and took Lust away. He came back with a bigger calculator and gave it to Ed. "This calculator is named Gluttony, I just fed him so it should be fine." The Führer told Ed.
Ed took the calculator and started working again. Before Ed powered up the calculator, he figured out the fraction problem. The next one though was decimals. So he powered on the calculator named Gluttony and began working again. Suddenly the calculator started making weird groaning noises.
Then the calculator named Gluttony asked, "Can I eat you."
Ed raised his and, "Führer Bradely, my calculator just asked if it could eat me. Can I have a new one." The class laughed at Ed's question, but the Führer came over and exchanged calculators with Ed.
"This calculator's name is Greed. Sometimes it can get a little out of hand, be careful." The Führer said and Ed just nodded.
Ed turned on the calculator and began working. He finished the first decimal problem and started on the next. He keyed in the decimals (to get the problem 7.9-2.5) and pressed the equal sign. The calculator named Greed answered the problem, but spoke.
"I need more numbers. More, more, more, more!!!" the calculator named Greed yelled. Hundreds of numbers began scrolling across the calculator's screen. Then the calculator started to smoke.
"Whaaaaaaaaaaah!!!" the calculator named Greed roared. Führer Bradely rushed over and snatched the calculator from Ed's hands. He ran and threw the calculator in the drawer where he put the first two.
"I told you, Greed can get a little out of hand." The Führer restated his small lecture to Ed, "Here's a more sensible calculator. Her name is Sloth. Hope you have patience."
Ed took the new calculator from the Führer and started working again. He hoped that this calculator would be sane. He keyed in the problem 1/3 +14-1/5 and was expecting a quick answer. Nothing came up, so Ed thought it might have accidently shut off and he tried again. He keyed in the problem again and expected an awswer.
A few short moments passed and Ed made waving motions with his arms and said, "Come on, come on. Good calculator." Talking to it seemed to help and the answer came across the screen. Though some kids gave Ed funny looks he was happy to have two problems left. He typed in the next problem and waited for a answer. Instead of numbers, there were a dozen or so letters in the shape of a Z. Ed took this as an offense.
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaat!!! You can't sleep at a time like this. There are only five minutes left in the class." Ed cried. The Führer once again ran over.
"What is with calculators these days." He said trying to escape any of Ed's questions. He shoved the calculator named Sloth in the drawer with the rest and brought over a small calculator.
"This calculator is somewhat normal. His name is Wrath." The Führer said in a flustered way. "Oh, and Ed. Hurry up." Ed nodded.
He typed in the second-to-last problem and the calcolator named Wrath gave him an answer. Ed was relieved. He then keyed in the last problem and instead of an solution the calculator spoke.
"Where's my mommy?!" the calculator named Wrath screamed.
"Wha-." Ed began but was interupted.
"I know you have her. Take me to her." Wrath screamed again and lunged at Ed.
Ed wresteled with Wrath, who proved to be trouble for Ed. Then he took the match to the floor, while and the class gathered around to watch. The Führer once again ran over and seperated the foes.
"I'm sorry Wrath usually isn't like this." He began, but Ed interupted.
"Can I please have another calculator. I only have one problem left on my test." Ed asked, trying to mask his anger.
The Führer took Wrath and swaped it with another calculator. "This is my last calculator. His name is Envy. He better be useful." The Führer spoke, more flustered than before.
Ed sat back down and tried to finish his test. He typed in the last of his problems. The claculator named Envy seemed to be reliable as it showed the answer on the screen. But before Ed was able to copy it down, the calculator changed the screen to say error.
"Huh." Ed said, dumbfounded. "But I'm almost done." Ed retyped the problem in again and saw the word error appear again and this time the calculator said the word too.
"Error." Envy said in an annoying voice.
"But the problem is simple, there's no room for error." Ed protested.
"Error." Envy said in response.
"I'm almost done though. Cant-." Ed began but Envy interrupted.
"Error. Error." The calculator named Envy said once again.
Ed let out a groan in disgust. "Listen. You can either give me-."
"Error. Error. Error!" the calculator siad and made the word flash across the screen.
"Grrrrrrrrrrrr. I only have one pro-."
"Error, error, error, error!"
"Problem left. So-."
"Error!!!"
"So can you please just-."
"Error, error, error, error!!!"
"Give-."
"Error, error, error!!!"
"Me-."
"Error, error!!!
"The-."
"Error!!!"
"Answer!"
"ERROR!!!"
Ed ended the argument by throwing the calculator named Envy across the room. The Führer was about to go see Ed but, the bell rang and the two were lost in the mass of kids.
XXX
Ed woke up the next morning feeling lightheaded. He fixed himself a breakfast and started to fell a little better. He decided he'd pay Central's Colonel a visit.
When he arrived at Central's military headquarters he was even more lightheaded than in the morning. There were balloons everywhere, pieces of cake on the floor, wrapping paper scattered around, there were even soldiers lying on the floor. Ed walked around, trying to find someone he knew, but was unsuccessful. He walked into Roy's office and found Roy talking to Riza.
"What happened here?" Ed asked the two of them. They turned to face Ed and smiled.
"Yesterday was the military's annual carnival." Roy said, still smiling.
"But I thought it was scheduled for next month." Ed protested.
"The higher ops decided to surprise us." Riza said cheerfully.
"This was huge!!! It was even bigger than last year's. The whole thing started with a games and rides and it ended with an after party. You missed the biggest party in your life." Roy said rubbing it in. Ed's face started to turn red in anger but, before he started yelling the Führer came in. The three lower ranks salluted him and then waited to hear what he had to say.
"At ease. Oh, Edward Elric glad to see you. I have to tell you some very good news. You didn't fail the fourth grade!" The Führer said with a smile.
"Wha-." Ed said feeling lightheaded again.
"That's right. We double checked your records and found that we were wrong to send you to school-." The Führer was unable to finish his statement because Ed had fainted on the floor infront of him.