I don't own any Joe characters or Monopoly. There are so many great Joe characters that deserve to have some more screen time! So I thought it was time that I try to showcase them, starting with poor good ol' Bazooka. He's so neglected! At least that was the plan. This was all I could come up with. Yes it's a silly, bizarre story that makes no sense. If you need a good pointless laugh you have come to the right place. Just relax and enjoy the ride!
Bazooka's New Buddy
"For the last time Leatherneck you can't put a bunker on Park Place!" Alpine groaned.
"Why not?" Leatherneck asked. "It would make it more secure against attacks?"
"This is what we get with playing Monopoly with a Jarhead," Wet Suit quipped. "He probably has to count his money with his fingers and his toes!"
"Maybe I'll count them with your teeth you…" Leatherneck got up.
"Will you two bickering hens knock it off?" Stalker groaned.
"Why are we playing with them?" Alpine groaned.
"Because there was nobody else around here to play the game with," Stalker told him. "Ever since that incident with the poker game, Hawk's banned card games anyway."
Bazooka walked into the rec. room. "Oooh! Monopoly! Can I play?"
"No!" They all shouted.
"Why not?" Bazooka pouted.
"Because we're already in the middle of a game for one thing," Alpine told him. "And secondly I am not going to have a repeat of the last time we played Monopoly. Or should I say the time we almost played Monopoly!"
"What happened?" Stalker asked.
"He wanted to be the banker," Alpine explained. "Two hours and he still couldn't figure out how to distribute the money!"
"Well the rules are tricky," Bazooka scratched his head.
"Get lost Bazooka," Wet Suit said. "One moron per game is enough!"
"Are you calling me a moron?" Leatherneck stood up.
"Gee, it only took you a few seconds to figure that out! How many other morons are playing this game?" Wet Suit said right before Leatherneck punched him in the jaw.
Bazooka watched sadly as the two men fought while Stalker and Alpine tried to break it up. "Nobody ever wants to play games with me," He said to himself as he shuffled away. "Darn it! Everybody's busy with everybody else! Alpine's busy with the other guys…."
He saw Dial Tone and Mainframe playing with video games on the computer. "Dial Tone and Mainframe are busy doing stuff together."
He saw Flint and Lady Jaye laughing with each other. "Flint and Lady Jaye are busy. Big surprise."
Beach Head ran by, he was being chased by several Joes. "Beach Head's busy with the new recruits," He muttered.
He saw Shipwreck chasing Polly. "Shipwreck's busy with his bird. Everybody's busy but me!"
"Hey Bazooka!" Mutt walked up. He was walking Junkyard. "What's a matter pal? You're looking down in the mouth."
"I'm just feeling blue," Bazooka sighed. "Everybody's hanging out with everyone else except me."
"Feeling a little lonely huh?" Mutt knelt down to give Junkyard a good scratch behind the ears. "That's the way I used to feel until I got Junkyard! I tell you there's nothing like a pet to make a guy feel wanted and needed! He always listens to me. He always has time for me. He's the most important friend in my life! Yeah that's the ticket! Man's best friend!"
"Man's best friend…" The wheels in Bazooka's mind were turning. "That's it! Thanks Mutt! You gave me a great idea!"
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"But why can't I get a dog?" Bazooka whined to Beach Head.
"NO!" Beach Head shouted for the twentieth time.
"PLEEEEEEAAASEE?" Bazooka pleaded.
"NO!"
"I'll take it for walks every day."
"NO!"
"I'll even train it to go on the toilet and…"
"NO! NO! NO!" Beach Head shouted. "There's already enough crazy dogs on this base! That stupid Order chewed up my boots. Junkyard tore up my newspapers and that dumb wolf ate my last ration of Slim Jims! And I was saving them for a special occasion! So forget it!"
"Oh," Bazooka said. "How about a cat?"
"Forget it!" Beach Head shouted.
"Bird?"
"Are you crazy?" Beach Head snapped. "I'm not gonna even tell you what Freedom and Polly did to my uniform the other day!"
"How about a goldfish?"
" NO!" Beach Head screamed. No way! No how am I gonna authorize another stupid pet on this base!"
"But I'm lonely," Bazooka said. "I need a buddy to hang with and everyone else is busy."
"Tough!" Beach Head snapped. "You don't see me crying cause everybody's busy! Get a grip football brain."
Bazooka smiled. "I got it! You can be my buddy!"
"What?" Beach Head yelped.
"Yeah it'll be perfect!" Bazooka said. "I can help you with your papers and filing and stuff and we can hang out. Whoops!" He knocked over some whiteout all over some papers. "Sorry about that."
"On second thought," Beach Head groaned. "Maybe a goldfish wouldn't be such a bad idea."
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"Alpine!" Beach Head stormed up to him. "What is wrong with that lunatic friend of yours?"
"Which one?" Alpine quipped.
"Bazooka!" Beach Head spat. "He's gone nuts."
"He's always been nuts."
"Yeah well this time he's blown up his brain instead of his bubble gum," Beach Head snapped. "He's going on about being lonely and wanting a pet. He's flipped."
"What are you talking about?"
"The other day he comes into my office wanting to get a dog. I said no. Then he keeps bugging me like I'm his daddy or something. Finally I had to let him get a pet. He's flipped out Alpine! That nut has just plain flipped out!"
"What? Because he wanted a pet?"
"No! Because of this!" Beach Head pointed.
"Hi guys!" Bazooka waved to them. He was carrying a bag with a goldfish in one hand. "Meet my new buddy Gill!"
"Oh lord," Alpine groaned. "Are you going to get that fish into an aquarium or are you gonna carry it around all day?"
"Carry it around all day," Bazooka said simply.
"What's going on?" Stalker came up. "What's with the fish?"
"It's my new partner," Bazooka told him. "Since my old one is too busy for me. Excuse me, I gotta show Gill the target practice range. Come on buddy." He walked away whistling.
"That's not a pet," Alpine groaned. "That is a serious cry for help."
"Of all the weeks for Psyche-Out to go on vacation," Stalker groaned.
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"Okay Gill now today we are going to see a nice football game," Bazooka said as he sat down in the bleachers. "It will be fun."
"Oh brother," Alpine grumbled as he sat down. He turned to Stalker. "Do we really have to sit with him?"
"Yes," Airtight said. "We need to spend some time with him in order to bring him back to reality. Or at the very least some semblance of it."
"That's right," Stalker said. "He obviously needs our support so we gotta be there for him. If we don't two things are going to happen, one: Bazooka will become dangerously psychotic."
"Hey guys!" Bazooka said excitedly. "Gill says he can't wait to get his first ballpark hot dog!"
"I think that has already happened," Alpine groaned. "What's the second?"
"Hawk's gonna kill us," Stalker grumbled.
"So who wants to go get a hot dog for Gill?" Alpine said.
"Well at least we have great seats," Stalker said. "Right on the 50 yard line!"
"I can't believe we got these seats," Alpine said. "Airtight you're real clever. How did you convince the stadium people to not only give us these tickets but let us carry some weapons in?"
"You don't want to know," Stalker moaned.
"Hey let's go get some goodies," Bazooka got up. "Coming Alpine?"
"Yeah, yeah," Alpine got up reluctantly.
"Now Gill remember where our seat is," Bazooka instructed his goldfish.
"Bazooka, goldfish only have a memory span that's three seconds long," Alpine snapped. "Which is two seconds longer than yours!"
"They do?" Bazooka asked. "Well that would explain why he doesn't remember where my car keys are."
"Its gonna be a looooooonnnnngggg day," Stalker groaned. "What else could go wrong?"
As in answer a strange float appeared in the middle of the game. "What the heck is that?" Airtight asked pointing to the football shaped float. "It's not even close to halftime! What's that thing doing on the field?"
The answer revealed itself when the float opened up to reveal dozens of Cobra troopers hidden inside. "COBRAAAAAAA!" Major Bludd shouted. The Cobra troopers ran out with lasers firing. "Capture the football teams! They'll make mighty nice hostages for Cobra."
"Does Cobra always have to show up to ruin our days off?" Alpine groaned. "Come on Bazooka!"
"What about Gill?" Bazooka asked holding up his goldfish.
At that very moment a small laser blast shot right through the middle of the bag holding the goldfish. Bazooka was not hurt but it tore right through the bag. Bazooka looked in horror as water splashed everywhere.
"HE SHOT MY FISH!" Bazooka shouted. "AAAGGGGHHH!"
"Forget the stupid fish!" Alpine shouted as he raced off into battle. "Good thing we managed to bring some of our weapons in!"
"See Stalker aren't you glad now that we made up that story about GI Joe having permission to guard the cheerleaders' personal safety?" Airtight asked.
"Wonderful," Stalker groaned. "Bazooka will you help us here?"
"My fish," Bazooka held his fish in his hands. "They killed my fish."
"No they didn't," Stalker said. "He's still flopping around."
"Oh so he is," Bazooka said. "Be right back." He ran off.
"Oh great," Stalker grumbled. "Now what do we do?"
Bazooka ran back. "Okay I'm ready now! I had to take care of Gill first."
"What did you do to him?" Stalker asked.
"He's fine," Bazooka said. "I put him in a nice safe place. Now let's take care of Cobra! NOBODY DOES THAT TO MY FISH!"
He charged onto the battlefield. What he did to the Cobras was far too graphic and violent to describe in a story with a rating under NC-22. Needless to say, Cobra learned the hard way not to mess with a man and his fish.
"Wow," Stalker looked at all the damage. "This is even worse than what we usually do."
"That was a good workout," Alpine sighed. "Hey there's some Gatorade still standing." He went over to the cups and downed one.
Bazooka ran up. "Hey that was fun!"
"Yeah nothing's better than a lot of pointless destruction for a good time," Airtight quipped.
"Mommy…" A nearby fallen Cobra wailed.
"Now I just gotta find Gill," Bazooka said.
"Oh man," Alpine moaned there was a sour look on his face. "What was in that Gatorade? It tasted funny!"
"Where's Gill?" Bazooka looked around. "I put him in one of these cups of Gatorade. Where could he be? I don't see him. Where is he?"
"Uh oh…" Airtight gulped. "I think I have an idea."
"Oops," Alpine turned green. "I don't feel so good."
"Gill?" Bazooka blinked. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
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"I can't believe Psyche-Out ordered us to spend more time with him," Alpine grumbled.
"Well it was either that or KP duty," Airtight told him. "Boy destroy one football stadium and people get so touchy."
"Not as touchy as Bazooka got when I accidentally ate his goldfish," Alpine grumbled.
"You know I feel sorry for the guy," Stalker said. "I mean, all he wanted was a little attention."
"Yeah I guess it couldn't hurt to…" Alpine started to say. Then he saw something. "Oh my lord…."
There was Bazooka, with a beautiful cheerleader on each of his arms. "Oh you were so brave!" One tittered.
"Isn't he the cutest thing?" One cheerleader pinched his cheek.
"Our hero!" The first cheerleader smiled.
"Oh hi guys," Bazooka waved. "I'd like to stop and chat but the girls and I were going for some sundaes. Don't wait up!" They walked away.
The Joes stood there with their mouths open. "We were feeling sorry…for him?" Alpine yelped.