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It had been years since she'd been back. It felt like longer, like a lifetime maybe. She smiled sardonically; it could be measured in someone's lifetime, just not her own. Wistful at the thought, she steeled herself against the threatening tears, and remembered that what she'd done was for the best. It was for Jake's own good.
He'd tried to convince her that it wouldn't be that way, that things were different. But she knew. It was his own friend that had told her the truth. Sam had confirmed for her and his words had given her the courage to leave the life she loved, the man she loved, and their future.
Jake had graduated high school and much to his own surprise prepared to leave with a tribal scholarship to a university in the midwest; he was scheduled to leave in a few weeks. She was the one who had talked him into applying, recognizing his potential when he couldn't. His belongings were organized and boxed in the garage, waiting; blessings granted by the pack for his four year hiatus. With the Cullens gone to Alaska after her and Edward's broken engagement it was the perfect timing. He wasn't alpha but knew that he would be upon return. It was Jake's birthright. It would also be her son's.
Jake hadn't known that she lied when she said she wouldn't keep the baby, that she needed to move to Jacksonville because Charlie couldn't help her figure out what she wanted from life. She hadn't been as insecure about their love as she'd let him believe. The tears she'd cried had been real, but the reasons she'd crushed him with were the worst kind of cowardly untruths she could muster.
"You're… you're pregnant?" He had understandably been stunned into breathless silence.
The pause made the guilt rise in her throat and form the scripted words, "Yes, and I'm not keeping it. We can't do this, Jake. You're going off to school in a few weeks and I still have two years left, and we just don't have the money to pay for a baby. I'm not going to ruin your life. I don't even know if we should be together anymore."
"No, we don't need to do that, let's talk about it… we can keep it, we can do this, Bells. I'll work extra hours at the garage, we can both stay at my house and the baby's room can be the twins' old bedroom. Our dads won't be thrilled but it can work, we can make it work. You can still go to school at UW until your degree is finished and I'll just postpone my acceptance to school until we have this figured out," he'd planned as the words effortlessly tumbled from his brain to his lips, the natural leader in his blood taking charge. It seemed almost reasonable but she could not allow herself to be persuaded in her hormonal vulnerability. She felt herself wanting to believe him, needing his strength to be her beacon in the darkness. She willed herself forward, continuing her carefully worded fabrication despite her insides clenching, throbbing, rebelling against her, indicating that everything about this, the very words she'd selected herself, was wrong.
"You need to keep your scholarship. If you don't go now you'll never go and I'll never forgive myself for holding you back. You have a real chance to make a difference for the tribe if you go and I don't want you to look back ten years down the line and wish that I hadn't killed your dreams by getting knocked up. You'll resent me and I don't want that life for you, a mediocre miserable life full of regret," she'd been firm in her beliefs. She told herself the sacrifice was a means to an end, repeating it like a mantra: he is worth it, he is worth it. She was pushing him away when every heartbeat snapped at her to pull him closer.
"I love you Bells and I would never resent you. I won't resent our baby, I couldn't, it's a piece of us," his eyes had shone with honest devotion and she knew it was true. Maybe he wouldn't resent her but she'd resent herself and wasn't that the same thing? But then he said the words that had sealed his fate in Bella's eyes. "I won't go to school, I want to be there for you and the baby." That was impossible.
"There isn't going to be a baby. I've already made… arrangements. I'm planning on going to live with my mom in Jacksonville after the whole situation is done with. I can't do this. I can't go back to being 'us' after this. You'll go to school and I'll go to Florida. I don't love you anymore. That's the end of it." The lies had slid off her tongue and scalded like acid, attacking her throat with hooks and nails in their attempt to remain unsaid.
They'd yelled and he'd tried to reason with her. Told her that if they could make it through vampires and the supernatural and all the other shit they'd been through, they could do this. They were supposed to spend their lives together, get married. He'd said that maybe the timing is wrong but they wanted kids together eventually didn't they? She'd said no. Over and over again. No. No. No.
She hadn't intended to keep his son from him for so long. Jake would have done anything, come hell or high water, moved mountains if he had to, to keep Bella and the baby comfortable. That was the crux of the whole reprehensible situation. She did not want mountains moved for her, she wanted him to be able to move them for himself. He had so much more to offer the world than she did. If she ended up ordinary then so be it. The whole thing had been a sort of a reverse macchiavellianism, a manipulation for his betterment rather than her own. Jake had the chance to change his world, beginning with the little reservation he lived on, by going out and doing things to better himself.
She'd been unprepared for the blinding hurt that would follow. How often Jake would call her, begging her to return to him, his life was empty without her, they were meant for each other. She repeated herself. No. No. No.
Eventually she'd changed her number and told Charlie not to pass it on. He was beginning to break down the emotional walls she'd carefully put in place after she left Forks and that wasn't a risk she was willing to take. Charlie was forbidden to mention Bella or the baby to Billy, and god knows Billy had asked. Jake had asked. Truth be told Jake still asked whenever Charlie was around. Charlie knew that what she was doing was wrong and had tried to argue with her. He knew how his heart had torn, how bereft he'd felt when his beautiful curls and peach-fuzz baby girl was taken from him all those years ago. But Charlie didn't broach the subject anymore after hearing the palpable regret and self-loathing in Bella's voice the last time he'd brought it up.
With Bella's upcoming move back to Forks Charlie decided that enough was enough and Bella was going to face her responsibilities, give Jake the answers he deserved. Jake had been like a son to him and he wanted no part in this charade anymore. As it is Charlie dreads spending time with one of his oldest friends because the guilt for his part in all this has eaten him alive from stem to stern and he can no longer look him in the eye. He is on a runaway train that would bring no good, and he wanted off, regardless if it was his daughter in the driver's seat or not. He is the chief of police for chrissakes, he has morals! This has gone on far too long. JJ would be turning four next spring already and Charlie had only seen the boy a handful of times. Jake's been deprived of too much and he wouldn't allow the kid well, man, to miss any more. He sadly thinks to himself that Bella is more like Renee than she realizes.
Bella steps off the plane cradling a sleeping JJ in her arms, head on her shoulder and limbs dangling down his sides, bobbing with every step she takes. The flight from Florida has wiped him out, which is just as well for everyone. He is energetic and bubbly and exactly like a miniature Jake, and the nap she'd been able to get on the plane has energized her if only slightly. He still has a grip on his blankie even in slumber, the fuzzy blue receiving blanket that he'd been brought home from the hospital in. It's fuzzier each time it goes through the wash and never fails to trail lint on everything it touches but he loves it and Bella loves him, so he happily totes it everywhere.
She grapples with their luggage and silently curses herself for opting not to check the stroller on the plane which would have made this whole process so much easier in hindsight. Instead she waddles through the airport, hoisting JJ's bag on her shoulder, a dreaming toddler in her arms and her rolling suitcase rumbling along behind her.
Charlie picks her up at the airport and Bella chuckles to see a car seat in the back of the cruiser which makes her think of baby sized criminals and she laughs for the first time in a long time. She lays down JJ gingerly, not waking him, as only a mother can. His fist is still balled up, a death grip on the blankie, and she tucks it into the sides of his seat, careful not to click it in with the seatbelt. She's not sure if it makes her sad or it could be guilt or maybe a mix a both, but Bella sees more of Jake in her son when he sleeps. The same peaceful calm overtakes them both in the same way, the way their full pink lips pout just a little, the way their long lashes flutter their cheeks, the same flush heating their russet skin, the way when their eyes open and find Bella pure happiness flows through their gazes. She never could have imagined it would be like this, so infinitely wonderful and soul-ripping all at once.
She subconsciously knew this day would come eventually, her return to Forks. She'd spent the last few years convincing herself that JJ would never ask about Jake, a faceless father, that she would be able to fulfill anything he needed, that loving him twice over for the both of them would be enough. When he was an unspeaking infant it was easy to be lulled into false security. She was wrong.
He'd turned to her over breakfast with his innocent obsidian eyes, "Dustin said his daddy took him fishin' mommy, why don't I have a daddy? Does my daddy not want me?" The longing in his voice had been so sad, so full of rejection and shame; she'd bitten back the tears just long enough to respond, and then hurried off to the bathroom to sob into a hand towel while he munched his Cheerios silently in the other room. She'd started planning her move back that night.
The ride back to Charlie's is wordless, whether it is from the uncomfortable awkwardness or their attempt at purposeful silence for JJ to remain asleep Bella isn't sure. She can tell The Talk from Charlie is coming and she knows she deserves it. She plans to listen and agree, but will actually mean it this time. She knows he is right.
She gets JJ settled in her old bed upstairs, brushes the wisps of chocolate hair from his forehead and kisses his chubby cheek. He stirs only slightly and furrows his brow, mirroring his father in small scale. She has seen that expression on many occasions, and absently moves to gently smooth the wrinkle with her thumb. She descends to the kitchen, prepared to face her father.
They make small talk and then Bella asks about Billy's car and the used black sedan pulling into the driveway, parking alongside her old truck.
"I didn't think carting JJ around in that rusty heap of a truck was a good idea, so I talked to Billy and had a car fixed up for you," he answers, his implications ringing clear in Bella's ears.
"Dad," she groans, suddenly gripped with fear. "You told them I'm back?" She leans against the back of a chair and watches Charlie amble around the kitchen. He does not enjoy having to ambush her but knows at least he'll finally have a clear conscience. He watches her reproachfully; she's changed so much since becoming a mother that it's amazing the way she glows, like she's blossomed into a grown woman overnight. But there are still things Charlie Swan wishes his daughter had learned.
She is unnerved and unprepared for this meeting so soon after returning to the town where she once had it all. She throws Charlie a glare, feeling blind-sighted. She'd wanted to do this in her own time. Charlie thinks she's had more than enough of that, four years in fact, and now it's time for a little less conversation, a little more action.
"Yes, I did. They deserve to know, Bella, and if I were you I'd take advantage of them being here and get it over with," and he gives her the disheartened stare that she hates. The one that says, I didn't teach you well enough, and this is partly my fault. Disappointment in you means disappointment in me, too.
A loud knock on the door signals that it's time to face the music for Bella and she shuffles over nervously to greet Charlie's guests (or are they hers?). The door swings wide as she pulls the knob and a jovial Billy is wheeled slowly in by a stoic Jake.
"Bella, it's so nice to see you again! I'm glad to hear you're back. Your old man sure is too," Billy exclaims, holding out his arms. Bella leans down for a hug and she feels at least partly welcomed, and allows herself a tenuous laugh. She has missed the familiarity of this place, of these people. She cringes at the volume of his voice, deep and booming, as she imagines her sleeping son upstairs. Their son, she mentally corrects herself as she glances up at Jake. It is something she will have to get used to.
"It's good to see you too, Billy," she smiles, because it's true. "You too, Jake." Their eyes connect and she can almost maybe possibly feel something there but it's gone before she's registered the emotion behind the fleeting flash. She doesn't know if it's hate or love or anything in between but something, anything, is a start. She knows how she's felt about him all this time: the longing, the consistent ache in her chest that she's learned to live with without him around, so much worse than when Edward left. But she knows it would be a long shot for him to feel the same, and even so, the news she's about to give him would surely squash any long-held love with his all but guaranteed impending anger and hate.
"Jake, we should talk, come outside with me?" She gestures with her head and takes tentative steps out the door he's just come through. He follows with a nod and a duplicate of the same furrowed brow she's smoothed out upstairs. She lifts her arm to smooth his out of habit but realizes what she's doing midway through and jerkily pulls her hand through her own hair instead. The shared eyebrow expression between the two of them unexpectedly weighs her down, guilt settling in the pit of her stomach like an immovable stone.
They sit on the steps, neither of them talking yet, she is thinking about how the time has flown by and now they are having a conversation that should have happened years ago. Sudden nausea swells up inside her, bile roiling around and she is trying to find the right words to fix what she knows she has broken. What she knows she is about to break even further.
"Jake, I'm sorry for how things ended with us and for shutting you out." She studies her feet, contrite.
"You did what you had to do. I'm over it," the words barely squeeze through gritted teeth and he sets his jaw. He is not over it, not even a little. Seeing her like this, the same doe eyes and soft wavy hair, but older and more filled out in alluring feminine curves, makes him remember all the little things he loved about her in the first place, and it burns in a strange way that makes him want to try again. She's back and she's here and she could be his. Before it can live the thought is murdered by the rational side of him, it gasps its last breaths and dies a quick death. He does not want to pine for her for the rest of his life and she's told him enough times to last from here to eternity that he is not what she wants. He lets the familiar bitterness ebb and flow in his mind as he contemplates saying every hurtful thing he's prepared to say since she left. He does not want to talk about this, he wants to phase and run and kill something. But he continues to listen because even after everything he cannot find it in himself to protest anything she wants.
"I thought I did, at the time, but I was wrong. I was immature and foolish and what I did to you, I mean… the way we handled that whole… situation… it was unforgivable. I know that. But I want you to know, I did what I thought was best for you. You wouldn't have gone to school or done any of the great things you've done. Your dad is unbelievably proud of you. A baby would have ruined your life," she tries to explain, can't she make him see? But the sudden glare he turns her way has threatened her confidence and makes her wince.
"How do you know? Did you even care what I wanted? You just acted like him, trying to tell me what I want, what's best for me. Did you ask me once what I wanted?" His eyes flash fury and compounded pain. "I loved you, and I thought we were a team. You didn't give me a chance at all to hear me out and it's not like it was a small decision like what color paint to put on the walls. It was a goddamn baby, and you didn't even give me a chance," his voice has risen a few octaves which causes her to nervously glance up at the still closed bedroom door. He doesn't notice this furtive look because he's turned his head away from her in disgust.
"You're right, I should have given you a chance. But I know you, you would have stayed and given up everything you worked hard for. You're going to be alpha and you're going to do amazing things for yourself. I'm sorry. If I could take it back I would, but I can't, Jake. But you have to know I thought I was in a very real way doing the right thing for all of us."
A tiny voice from upstairs carries down to her through the closed door and across the short distance. Jake has heard it too and is suddenly watching her face, his eyes narrowed into furious slits, listening for it to sound again.
"Is that a little kid?" he has calmed momentarily in his confusion.
"Yes, it's my son." She admits it plainly, blood rushing to her face, shame coloring her a deep crimson. Her eyes fall back to her feet. She waits for him to say something, to comprehend her hidden meaning. Our son.
"Your…" he whispers, eyebrows raised. For a moment his anger builds and he's misunderstood her intent. "Nice, Bella. You move to Florida and have a kid with a practical stranger but me, who you were supposedly in love with, no, you don't want my kid." He is incredulous and livid, and she is flushing more, having to be so blunt about this. She had hoped she wouldn't have to say the damning words herself. He strains to leave and she realizes she's out of time.
"Jake," she croaks, "he is yours."
He is frozen where he stands, like marble, she thinks ironically. This has naturally jolted his brain and his first reaction is disbelief. "But you said… you said a baby would ruin our lives, that you didn't want to keep it. You said…" He sits or rather falls back down with a heavy thud on the step. The sound mimics the identical pounding in his chest.
"I said a baby would ruin your life, Jake. Not mine. You had all this potential and pressure for success, and I was just, well, me. I… I lied to you. I just wanted you to do something good with your life and – " She keeps trying but knows that he will never understand what she now sees as her flimsy, stupid logic.
"How could you? How could you lie to me all this time and keep my own son from me? It's been four fucking years, Bella!" He demands to know the answers. He does not like surprises or betrayal and he charges this as both.
Before she can respond a smallish but still taller than average Quileute joins them on the porch, rubbing the sleep from his eyes with the heel of one hand, still clutching his beloved blanket in the other. "Mommy," he calls shyly, looking warily at Jake, hidden behind the blue fleece. JJ is still in the I can't see you, you can't see me stage and to him this physical barrier makes perfect sense and eases his concerns about the large stranger. Bella's face morphs from sorrow to serenity and she beckons him over, welcoming him into an embrace with a warm smile.
"Sweetheart, I want you to meet mommy's friend," she coos, glancing up at Jacob as if to get his permission. He nods slightly, but the haze he's been accustomed to living under for the past four years has just evaporated and this much vitality all at once is somewhat disorienting. His face is a portrait of amazement, and he stares transfixed at what could surely have been himself many years ago.
She holds JJ instinctively close to her, an arm wrapped lovingly around his middle as he leans his little body against her shoulder. Jake thinks it is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. His mouth still hangs open from his initial shock but after some time to process everything the tears are springing to his eyes. He blinks them back with some effort and thinks, my son. Our son.
Since Bella left he has been dreaming of this little boy. In his mind's eye he's taught him to walk and how to throw a ball, he's explained that he should always be nice to girls and shown him a few tricks that will come in handy when he's of dating age. He's dreamed of this little boy, and now here he is. He thought he would never love anyone after he loved Bella yet he's finding that despite his strong stubborn nature he loves this walking, talking combination of him and Bella more than life itself.
"JJ, this is Jacob Black," she starts, knowing exactly what JJ will say next.
"That's my name!" he exclaims with wonder and laughs a barking boisterous Jacob laugh. He is immediately friends with the hulking werewolf, trust earned completely by that solitary piece of information and JJ rushes to give him a greeting hug. With the chubby limbs thrown with abandon around his neck Jacob is finding it considerably more difficult to hold back the tears; a few escape their way down his face but he refuses to loosen his arms and end this moment until his son is ready. He closes his eyes and feels relief.
Bella watches with tearful streaks dotting her cheeks, hoping she has finally amended her biggest mistake. She still has important matters to discuss with Jake, and even though she knows she is prematurely ending a bonding moment, she understands there will be more to come. JJ is a fierce hugger who loves affection in any form, and sharing the same name is obviously high on his list of qualifications.
"Honey why don't you go inside and see what Grandpa Charlie is up to? Tell him I said to give you some water in your sippy cup and the apple from your snack bag on the counter, okay?" JJ does as he is told because he is a wonderfully easygoing child, which makes Bella proud. They both watch as he skips his way into the kitchen, humming a tuneless song, the blanket trailing behind like Linus from Charlie Brown.
Jake is still awestruck when he speaks, "We have a son."
Bella laughs, because now she has seen the elation in Jake's eyes and that had been her biggest concern, that his anger at her would preclude him wanting a relationship with JJ, and while she is not completely forgiven the shared familial tie will hopefully help soothe old wounds in time.
"Yes, we have a son, Jake," she grins and wipes her damp cheeks. "What do you think about all this? I don't expect you to be 'the Dad' right away, I know I screwed things up and this is a lot to take in. If you need time to think about everything and decide what you want, I'm okay with that. I haven't told him anything about you yet."
They sit in pensive silence, JJ's chirping voice traveling on air out to them.
"What if I want to step up right away?"
"Do you… want that?" Bella has hoped for this but tries to control how ecstatic this makes her.
"Of course I do. Do you think I want to waste any more time being out of his life? Bells, I've dreamed of him." Her heart involuntarily flutters at his use of his name for her. "Not figuratively; literally, him. It's like I knew he was out there. I can't think of anything that would make me happier." Except he could, in fact, think of one thing that would make him happier: having his son and his love back in his life. Moving them both out to live with him in the little house he's bought for himself down by the beach. Thanks to the scholarship he's been able to work these four years and has saved every penny he's earned rather than putting it toward tuition, and after graduation felt it was time to get a place of his own. It's not much but he's got plans to fix it up, expand maybe.
"You've dreamed of him?" She looks skeptical but she has seen weirder things.
"Yeah, since you left actually. In the beginning it was always you holding a baby, talking softly to him, rocking him to sleep. But as time went on he got older in my dreams too, and then it was you taking him to the park, us watching him open his gifts on Christmas, things like that," he looks away, embarrassed and sad. He has missed so much, all those things he's dreamed about, they're of real times gone by, and this rouses his anger. "I still can't believe you didn't tell me about him. After all those conversations with Embry about how he missed not having a father. Of all people I never would have thought you'd do that to me, Bella." He shakes his head, his eyes so full of hurt that it makes Bella grimace and look away.
"I'm so, so sorry. No amount of apologizing will ever make it right, I know that. I really thought I was doing you a favor, in a way," and she regrets saying it immediately the way his face contorts in response.
"A favor? A favor, seriously? You're unbelievable," he scoffs. His brain is on overload and he can't sort out his anger for Bella from anything else. His form is vaguely blurred around the edges. "I need to go for a run and think about this. I want to be in his life but right now I'm so incredibly pissed at you I can't see straight. I'll be back; don't go anywhere, we're not done talking." He takes off for the woods and disappears behind the trees. She hears some rustling and then silence and knows that he's gone.
With Jake's absence she remembers Billy inside and knows that she has to have the same conversation again with him. She takes a deep breath and rises from the porch, brushes the dirt off the back of her jeans and heads inside.
A/N: Review, review, review! And if you want to see anything happen, let me know. I only have a vague idea where this is going and I'm writing as I post.