Author's Note: This is written with permission as a sequel to Mutants of the Caribbean by Rogue238. I would recomend reading it so that you can understand some of the jokes and references, but also because it is a well done parody.
Candra's powers are based on her discription on the Uncanny X-men website. The information about alligators is from Wikipedia and www. animals.nationalgeographic. com
Remy sipped his coffee and gazed at the unusually peaceful mutants before him. He frowned slightly when he saw the white-striped brunette amongst them. There was a large alligator lying by his feet and he was flanked on either side by a stunning blonde. He glared at the blonde to his right.
"Knock it off Rems, or I'll use my switchblade to give you a crew-cut."
"Ya hurt mon cherie."
"She ain't hurt none, she's just sleepin'."
"When you volunteered to get de others to de studio ya failed to mention dat you'd be releasing knock-out gas into de air ducts of de institute."
"Ya wanted our help getting over a dozen powerful mutants to go somewhere dey don' like and do something dey don' like doin'. How ya expect me to do dat wit'out knock-out gas? I'm an assassin not a miracle worker."
"Ya don' do not'in for free eider," Remy muttered under his breath. After Raven and Lightning(1) had coerced the X-men and Co. into performing "Mutants of the Caribbean" Julien had decided to stick around Bayville and annoy… er… 'kill' Remy. After a rather bizarre attempt involving a shower, a chicken, and a bucket of rice Remy had gotten fed up with the constant attempts on his life and called the man's sister to come get the loon. Belladonna had insisted that she needed to see the insanity of X-men movie productions for herself.
The gator lifted its head and both Cajuns tensed. The X-men were waking up. Bella drew her pistol. Remy palmed a card. The blonde to Remy's left rolled her eyes and calmly used her abilities to conceal them from the soon-to-be angry mutants.
"Like, where are we?" Kitty asked perkily, or as perkily as one can after being drugged and abducted.
"We're in the studio aren't we?" Scott groaned without opening his eyes, "we have to do another d#!# play."
The room was unnaturally silent as the mutants (and some non-mutants) waited tensely for the world to spin off its axis following the use of a swear word by Scott Summers. Even Wolverine looked scared. Sabretooth was naturally too stupid to catch on, but he remained silent because he had woken up with a mouthful of hardened cement. (A bored cajun thief is a mischievous cajun thief.)
"Well," Jean ventured cautiously with a wary eye on her boyfriend, "we might as well look for the scripts and see what we have to do this time."
"Ja," Kurt agreed and ported over to the table where they lay and passed them out.
"But these are the same scripts as last time," Amara protested.
"Da," Piotr agreed, "and the set is the same as well."
Remy grinned that had been a lucky break. Apparently Raven and Lightning had been too busy dodging the DPD to remove the ocean from the studio. Unfortunately, Forge had had time to remove his Incredible Animatronic Robots.(2)
"We have to do it again!?" several mutants shouted and Scott started twitching rapidly.(3)
"Oui, ya do!" Belle shouted gleefully, but no one noticed because Candra was still using her powers to conceal the three instigators. She had not, however, bothered to conceal the animal at their feet. Strangely, only Bobby had noticed it and was trying to get Wolverine's attention. So far all he had managed to do was stutter, "M… mmm… m.. mmr. .l.. ..lo…. Mmr. Loo… mmmrr. Lloo.."
Luckily for Bobby, at this point Jamie saw it too and piped up, "Mr. Logan is that a crocodile?"
Beast gave the animal a quick inspection and responded, "I'm afraid not my young friend. Although it is a fairly common blunder to confuse Reptilia Crocodylia Alligatoridae with Reptilia Crocodylia Crocodylide, not to mention Reptila Crocodylia Gavia…"
"It ain't a croc kid. It's a gator," Wolverine interrupted.
"Oh," Jamie said, although he still looked confused. So did everyone who had tried to follow Hank's explanation.
Wolverine rolled his eyes, "It's got a wide, round snout so it's a gator. Crocs have a pointier snout."
"Really?" Jamie asked looking at it more closely.
"Yup. That and ya can't see all a gator's bottom teeth," Wolverine was pleased. Usually everyone acted like he was just around to terrify them, but he had traveled quite a bit and been around for a long time. He did know things.
Bobby was petrified. "Even more teeth!" he managed to squeak in a voice pitched higher than Jean's falsetto soprano. Wolverine and Sabretooth both flinched. The alligator let out a slight growl and Bobby accidentally iced the part of the room that the X-men were sitting in. Some of his teammates gave him dirty looks because they were now freezing, but Bobby wasn't the only one backing away from the creature.
Wolverine stared at the reptile tensely and the gator tilted its head up in response. It exposed its throat to show that it meant no harm. Wolverine relaxed but Sabretooth didn't care if it was a threat. He was having a terrible day. He had been minding his own business, breaking into the mansion to steal Wolverine's underwear (what better way to start a fight?) and had suddenly felt dizzy, and then he had woken up with a mouthful of cement and now we was cold and wet. The gator was a gonner. He lunged for it.
Remy was horrified to see the slimy, long toothed, stinky, creature attacking his scaley friend. He leapt between the gator and the charging feral, discharging a card as he went. He heard Belle's pistol fire behind him. Sabretooth staggered and went down under the force of the explosion, along with the bullet which had hit his skull. Candra's powers had kept the exploding card concealed until it impacted with the vile mutant and no one had heard Belle's gun so the X-men were extremely confused. They had no idea what had just happened, especially since Sabretooth's body kept jerking and moving as though he was trying to get away from something.
Rogue narrowed her eyes. There was something awfully familiar about the sound of that explosion. "Hank," she drawled slowly, "what kind of gator is that?"
Hank blinked, "I believe it is an Alligator mississippiensis more commonly known as the American Alligator."
Rogue just nodded slightly, "Uh, huh these Alligator mississippiensis wouldn't happen to live in Louisiana now would they?"
"Why yes. As a matter of fact they do," Hank replied, catching on.
Rogue nodded again, "SWAMP RAT! Get your skinny behind out from wherever your hiding and explain what's goin' on!!!!!!!!"
Candra grinned in amusement and dropped the concealment to reveal herself and Belle still standing by the gator. Remy was hitting Sabretooth repeatedly with his bo-staff and shouting, "Don' you never try an' hurt Mr. Bitey(4) again! Never ever!" Unfortunately for Remy, Sabretooth could now see where the blows were coming from and fight back. Things quickly escalated until Mr. Bitey latched onto Sabretooth's leg and Belle muttered, "Atta boy Tooth," and jammed a dagger into Creed's shoulder. Wolverine intervened when Creed made another swipe at the gator. After all, it wasn't all that long ago that American Alligators were on the endangered species list. After the fight Remy turned to Belle and asked, "Tooth?" Belle grinned and replied, "I gave him a nickname."
Rogue glanced back and forth between the two Cajuns. "How do you know each other?" she asked, trying to sound nonchalant. She didn't care, really. Maybe if she kept thinking that she could convince everyone else?
Remy froze terrified of answering but Belle had no problems responding, "We used to be engaged but Remy got cold feet and hightailed it over de state line."
The X-men all took a step away from Rogue in fear but she just calmly continued her questioning. "Uh huh. And how do you two know each other?" she asked gesturing between Remy and Candra.
"Remy used to work for me and I owe him a favor," Candra replied pulling out a nail file. Now that the fighting was over this was starting to get dull. She had actually only agreed to this because she wanted to see Remy in a pirate costume. She had a fetish for pirates, and Cajuns, but mostly just red-on-black eyed Cajun's in pirate costumes,… or pajamas, or blue jeans, or nothing at all. (Not that he knew she'd seen him in all those things.)
"Uh huh," Rogue replied again, "and could one of you tell me why we're here?"
"We're, um, goin' to do Mutants of de Caribbean 'gain for Belle," Remy finally managed to stammer.
"Why?" Jean was aghast. She did not want to relive her previous experiences with alcohol.
"'Cause Belle wants to be part of a X-men movie production and I owe her 'cause she got rid of Julien."
This announcement was followed by snickers, laughter, and a few angry mutters as the mutants remembered the crazy assassin's various attempts to kill the cajun thief.
"Just how do you plan on making us do this?" Wolverine asked.
"Candra," Remy replied simply. He was going to explain how powerful she was when he was suddenly interrupted by Wolverine falling to the ground. Candra had decided that a practical demonstration was in order.
The X-men watched in horror as Wolverine collapsed and began moaning in pain. Candra had used her powers to telekinetically alter his DNA and shut down his mutant powers. Without them he could not stand up under the weight of the admantium in his bones and without his healing factor the metal began to poison him.
"Candra stop!" Remy cried and she merely shrugged but restored Wolverine's abilities. Everyone looked at her wide-eyed. "You'll do the play," she said. They nodded.
"Here," Remy said brandishing a paper before tacking it to a wall, "dere's de cast list." Everyone crowded around the paper to read it.
Jack Sparrow-Gambit
Elizabeth Swann-Rogue
Captain Norrington-Cyclops
Captain Barbossa-Pyro
Govenor Swan-Magneto
Annamaria-Belladonna
Guy hanging from his heels-Sabretooth
Mr. Gibbs-Wolverine
Prisoner with bone-Marrow
Scarlet-Scarlet Witch
Giselle-Jubilee
Estrelle-Shadowcat
Murtogg-Iceman
Mallroy-Lapin
Regetti-Toad
Pintel-Cannonball
Jacoby-Boom Boom
Koehler-Storm
Bo' San-Sabretooth
Gillatte-Pietro
Officer-Pietro
Cotton-Piotr
"Iffin I forgot to cast a roll we can figure it out as we go," Remy announced happily.
"Ya forgot to cast Will Turner," Rogue pointed out.
"Oops," Remy said as innocently as he could, "guess dis Cajun jus' forgot 'bout him."
Rogue arched an eyebrow, "You were Will Turner last time. How could you forget about him?"
"Don' know."
"Uh huh. So who's gonna play him this time?"
"We don' need him. We kin do the play wit'out his character."
"Right…" Rogue drawled, trying to hide a smirk, "he's the main character and the hero of the story, but we don't need him." She was trying not to laugh. Or gloat. Remy obviously wanted to be the pirate but didn't want anyone else playing her romantic interest.
"Dat's right," Remy agreed eagerly and Belle and Kitty were giggling. They could see through him just as easily as Rogue.
"Uh huh," Rogue said again, causing the X-men to wonder what had become of her vocabulary, "I think I'll go call Cody and see if he'll play Will." At this Belle began to laugh unrestrainedly. She loved to see Remy put in his place.
Remy was horrified, "Mais cherie, we don' need 'im. Jack Sparrow's de real hero of de story!"
This caused the two southern X-men to launch into an argument that everyone else missed because at that moment two large stacks of pizzas walked in the door. It really had looked like the two stacks of pizzas were walking because there were so many of them that all you could see of the people carrying them were their legs. Blob cried, "Food!" in a voice that shook the room and ran for the pizzas. One of the stacks of pizzas seemed to launch itself at him as the sloppily dressed red-headed boy carrying them tossed them at the stampeding giant, and dove for safety. The other stack was promptly dropped to the floor as a nine-year-old girl with pink hair and bones poking out of her skin stepped around them and broke off two of the bone spurs from her back and held them like weapons, obviously intending to protect her hoard from the obese teenager. "Remy!" she screamed, "he's trying to take the pizzas!"
Remy, having just lost his argument with Rogue turned his attention to his small friend and smiled. It was a genuine smile too, not a smirk or his usual smug grin. The people who knew him well enough to tell the difference did a double take. "Dat's allright petite, so long as ya got yours we'll let everyone else fight over dem." Remy grabbed a box containing a large pepperoni pizza and placed the girl on his hip. As if on cue the other mutants ran to claim pizzas before Freddy could get to them. "Who's the pipsqueak?" Wolverine asked as walked over with three of his own pizzas, no one was dumb enough to ask him to share." "I aint a pipsqueak," she muttered around a mouthful of pizza and glared at the older feral. Remy grinned, "Dis here be Sarah, mais she like to be called Marrow." "And I'm Lapin," the sloppily dressed red-head added as he snagged a slice from Wolverine's box, earning him a growl. Lapin swallowed hard as he retracted his hand. Obviously he wasn't going to receive a handshake from this man.
At this point Rogue snapped her cell shut and announced to the room in general that Cody would be there in an hour. Remy scowled at this news, so Marrow glared at Rogue for upsetting her best friend and all the mutants settled back to wait.
(1) Raven and Lightning are OCs from Rogue238's fics. To learn who Raven and Lightning are read the parodies written by Rogue238.
(2) To learn about the DPD and Forge's Incredible Animatronic Robots read the parodies written by Rogue238.
(3) To learn about Scott Summer's fear of synchronized sentences read the parodies written by Rogue238.
(4) Mr. Bitey is what a co-worker of mine named the rubber snake that has been randomely turning up in different places in our workplace for longer than I've been an employee. I don't think anyone even remembers who originally owned it.