Kevin looked out of his office windows onto the MDG developers' floor. It was eerily quiet. He'd been in the office alone before but today the building seemed especially silent and somber. Kevin smiled wryly at himself. Yeah, right. The building was sympathizing with him. Reflecting his mood. Because buildings did that. He was such a twat. Melodramatic cunt.

Still, he was allowed a little wallowing wasn't he? A few hours of self pity before he got back to the business of pulling his life together. Kevin dropped his head back and stared up at the ceiling of his glass cube. Fuck, he was tired. So very very tired. He'd got four hours sleep at most the night before, which wouldn't have been such a big deal if he also didn't feel like he'd had the living shit beaten out of him. Maybe he was getting the flu? He rubbed his eyes trying to ease the gritty feeling that he'd had since the early hours of this morning, when he'd stood on their...his...rooftop and begged Patrick to trust him. To take a chance on him. When he'd stood there silently willing Patrick to believe in the love that he had professed to Kevin just a few weeks earlier, willing Patrick to take back all those words that he'd said that had cut Kevin like a fucking knife.

Nope. No more drama. No 'sad' building metaphors, and pathetic cutting knife analogies. This shit was too fucking real for that crap. He felt like he didn't want to be alive and have to go through this. That's how he felt. Like he'd had his whole life fucked up and he had no idea what he was supposed to do until he didn't feel like this anymore.

And he didn't have anyone to blame but himself. He'd rushed things. He'd pushed too fast. He'd known Patrick was skittish, had one foot out the door even as he'd walked into what was supposed to be their new apartment with his box of precious belongings. Kevin accused Patrick of sabotaging them, but then that's exactly what he had done, from the moment Patrick had started asking all those questions about his past indiscretions. Why the fuck couldn't he have just let it go. Or even just tell Patrick, at any one of so many moments last night, that Patrick would be enough for him for ever. That Patrick was all he wanted. It wasn't even a fucking lie. Kevin couldn't imagine wanting to fuck anyone else ever again so why couldn't he have just shut his stupid mouth about monogamy and hand jobs in gym locker rooms and being realistic...It was their moving in day! What type of moron would bring up crap like that on the first official day of living together? With someone like Patrick!

Kevin leaned forward to drop his head in his hands.

What was he going to do now? There was a whole bunch of practical things he should probably be concentrating on, like getting Patrick's stuff out, like figuring out what work was going to look like tomorrow...but he couldn't do any of that. He was basically paralyzed by despair...again...because of Patrick Murray. Jesus. He'd been here before. They'd been here before. With Kevin desperate and begging and Patrick holding all the cards. That's why he couldn't do it again.

Kevin had begged Patrick to trust him last night, trust that he could change, that he could keep his dick in his pants, that he would be what Patrick wanted him to be. And Patrick had left sometime in the early hours of the morning, with Kevin sleeping, leaving no note, no text, nothing...and had gone back to Richie. The perfect Saint Richie.

Kevin had literally not been able to catch his breath when he saw Patrick walk back in to the apartment this morning with his all his beautiful hair buzzed off. There couldn't have been a clearer picture drawn of how fucked they were now. Because in that instant he'd known that he couldn't trust Patrick not to break his heart, and that Patrick could walk away unscathed and that Kevin...wouldn't. How fucking ironic. They were breaking up because of trust issues after all.

Fuck. Even thinking the words 'breaking up' was shattering him. What had he done? Had he really told Patrick to leave? How was that even possible, when every bit of him wanted to be with Patrick for ever. Well...not every bit of him. Not the furious bit of him that couldn't fucking believe how heartless Patrick had been in leaving him to stew and worry and be scared out of his mind while he went to 'visit' Richie. The rage ignited so quickly when he saw Patrick's hair and all he could think of was how Richie had had his hands all over Patrick's head, and Patrick had gone to find comfort in the one person he knew would trigger all of Kevin's alarms. That had to be deliberate. What a fucking bastard.

'Right. I see.' Kevin had barely managed to bite out, looking at Patrick who was just standing there, holding himself defensively, barely able to look Kevin in the eyes. 'Well, I should have known when Agustin said you weren't over there, should have known where you've been these past couple of hours.' Kevin laughed bitterly, mostly at himself for being such a god damned fool.

'You called Agustin?' Patrick had looked shocked. Right, because why would an uncaring bastard like him worry about his boyfriend who had suddenly gone missing after the worst fight of Kevin's life.

'Err...yes Patrick. I called Agustin. Because when I woke up this morning and you were gone, funnily enough, I was worried about you and wanted to make sure you were all right.' Kevin drawled sarcastically. And then, because he was a fool and couldn't figure out how to protect himself from Patrick, he continued, when he should have just stopped. 'Because I couldn't stand the thought of you out there, feeling sad and scared, just like I was feeling in here, waiting for you to come back. Obviously needn't have bothered though right?'

And then Kevin turned away from the sight of Patrick and started for the bedroom. That was fucking it. He couldn't do this anymore. Patrick was going to break him into a thousand pieces if Kevin let him.

Patrick followed him though, because nothing about this was going to be easy of course.

'Where are you going?' Patrick seemed bewildered that Kevin could walk away. As if he hadn't shown Kevin how that was done so many times.

'I'm going to pack up the few things you unpacked yesterday so you can get your stuff out of this fucking apartment. You can help if you want. Speed the whole thing up a bit.' Kevin said shortly, trying to hold the tears back. He wouldn't let him see the fucking tears.

'Could you just stop a moment. Kevin, could you just...' Patrick began.

But Kevin didn't want to hear anything more.

'I don't really feel like stopping just this moment, Patrick. What I really feel like doing is smashing some things up and maybe breaking a few things, but since we are both 'adults' I am, instead, going to just hurry you on your way.' He interrupted Patrick. Shit. He was still showing his vulnerability. He had to stop doing that.

'Are you completely insane? What the fuck...' Patrick grabbed Kevin's arm as he started pulling boxes onto the bed and randomly throwing stuff into them. He didn't even know if it was his or Patrick's stuff he was picking up from the floor.

'You know 'what the fuck' Patrick?' Kevin shook off Patrick's hand, rounding on him, letting his anger come through with every word. 'I'll tell you 'what the fuck'. It took you less than 24 hours from you moving in here to running back to fucking Richie to comfort you over your useless cunt of a boyfriend, unless you're going to tell me someone else gave you that lovely buzz cut you're sporting this morning.'

'I did go and see Richie, but it's not what you think...' Patrick stood his ground but his voice wavered.

'You've got no idea what I think, babe.' Kevin shook his head bitterly, the last of his sad desperate secret hope dying as he heard Patrick say Richie's name. 'I know you didn't fuck him, but you know what? I know that because perfect Richie has a boyfriend and he's not a cheater is he? You, on the other hand...and of course, well, me...if it were up to either of us, he'd be balls deep in one of us this very minute, right?' Kevin pressed on, feeling more and more like he wanted to cut Patrick with his words. Make him feel some of the confusion and bitterness that he felt.

'Shut up, Kevin.' Patrick threw back at him 'I wouldn't have done that to you. I told you last night...'

'Oh but Patrick, how can I trust you? Once a cheater... right?' Kevin cut him off again. He didn't even want to hear Patrick referencing last night ever again. He'd lost the moral high ground to do that when he'd gone to Richie. 'You let me fuck you without a condom...oh sorry, forgot you don't like to be reminded of that. And somehow that little episode still makes ME the cunt, right? Still, you're right. You wouldn't let another man touch your penis now that we're together. Cos you're that good of a man, Paddy.' Kevin felt the words coming out of him, like poison. Words he had to say otherwise they'd suffocate him. 'No, you wouldn't cheat on me, would you. Sure, you might leave me without a word or thought after the worst fucking night of my life, and then show up hours later obviously having spent the morning with the perfect ex-boyfriend who is JUST such a fan of ours, but at least I can be safe in the knowledge that no other hand has been on my Patrick's dick this morning. I am just so fucking lucky.' He ended, forcing him to keep looking at Patrick even though the very sight of him and his hair was making him feel sick. With fear. Of how much this had all gone to shit and how much this was going to hurt.

But Patrick didn't seem scared, or bitter, or concerned. Now he just seemed angry.

'I don't know where this is coming from. After what you said last night, I don't see how you get to be so angry that I felt like I needed some space this morning and went to see a FRIEND...' Patrick fought back.

'I'll tell you why I get to be angry Patrick. I would have thought it would be pretty fucking obvious, but let me explain, AGAIN.' Kevin snapped. And here it was. The bottom line. 'I happily, willingly upturned my life for YOU. I practically BEGGED you to take me back once, and then last night I BEGGED you again to trust me, and to give us a chance, and then your choice, your decision this morning was to go and see Richie before I'm even awake.' How could he do that? It felt like Patrick wanted to find the absolute most painful way to hurt him. How could he do that if he loved Kevin even a little bit? But then again...wasn't that the point? Did he love Kevin? Well...whatever the answer was to that million dollar question, he'd chosen a path of action. 'And that's not fucking OK with me.' Kevin ended, and that was the saddest truth. There was practically nothing Patrick could have done to drive Kevin away, but he'd found the one thing. He'd turned his back on Kevin when he was at his weakest and most vulnerable. Again.

Now Patrick looked concerned.

'I should have told you before I left but I was just...confused...it's still all...from last night...it's still confusing but I decided...' he was stumbling over his words, and any other time Kevin might have felt the need to back off and comfort him. But not now. He had no comfort left to give. Not even to himself.

'It WAS confusing, you're right,' Kevin agreed wearily, 'but now it just seems fucking crystal clear to me Patrick. I thought it was strange before how you could walk away so easily from what we had. How you could be so alright with me choosing Jon, but I can see now that actually walking away is what you do best, isn't it? That's a hell of a lot easier for you than staying and fighting for something.' Kevin ended quietly.

God. Could this conversation be over. Surely there was nothing more to say. But apparently Patrick didn't agree.

'Are you serious?' He stepped closer to Kevin, practically pushing his face into Kevin's and some of his concern was obviously replaced with something more like the corrosive anger Kevin was feeling. 'It wasn't easy for me then, but you gave me no choice! What did you want me to do? Go around the office crying and tearing my fucking hair out? How could I fight for you? You were with Jon!'

This again? Ok. They could go there.

'Oh, that's right. I had all the power right. It was all up to ME. Which makes me wonder...Patrick...how in all that's holy, how is it, that with all that 'power' I'M the one that is always begging YOU to stay?' Kevin stared him straight in the eyes, and felt his renewed rage giving him some of the strength he needed to get through this.

'You didn't have to beg me to do anything, Kevin. As soon as you left Jon I've been with you every step of the way. And you only left him because I wouldn't go on with the lying.' Patrick spat out furiously. 'For fuck's sake, I moved in with you yesterday and I was ready to start our lives together until YOU...' Patrick stopped suddenly mid-rant, and stared at Kevin, breathing heavily.

And just like that, in an instant, Kevin's anger and rage dissipated. The breaking point. The fault line. Patrick's righteous indignation. Kevin looked out of the window.

Trust. That was the real bitch wasn't it. Kevin turned back to look at Patrick, and his heart broke again as he saw the pain and confusion on that beloved face.

'Right. So...where does that leave us?' Kevin asked quietly.

'Kevin, I swear I wasn't leaving this morning.' Patrick answered, just as quietly, obviously trying to calm himself down. Kevin appreciated that. He knew just how hard this whole conversation was. 'I just needed...space...to NOT think, if that makes any sense. And yes, Richie is...he's...he just seems to know instinctively what's right, and I just wanted to feel grounded for a minute, just, you know...AWAY from this, just somewhere calm.' Patrick went on, and his words were like acid in Kevin's brain. He could never compare to the goodness of Richie. And Patrick knew that and would always have that comparison playing out in his head. 'We didn't even talk about any of this. You can call and ask him if you don't believe me.' Patrick held out his phone to Kevin, his voice earnest, his eyes pleading.

Kevin looked down at the floor, not able to face Patrick. Tears started forming in his eyes, but he blinked them back and gave a small mirthless laugh.

'So you can check my phone to see if I've been on Grindr this morning arranging a hook up, and I can check yours to see if you've been texting Richie for relationship advice. We're a perfect couple aren't we?' He shook his head, feeling like this was surely the lowest point they could ever get to.

'I was going to tell you as soon as I came in this morning that I've decided that I CAN trust you, but you didn't give me a chance...' Patrick tried to reach up to cup Kevin's face, but Kevin couldn't handle that. He would fall apart if Patrick was tender with him now. He took Patrick's hand in his own and held it tightly. He meant to let it go but holding him still felt right. Muscle memory. That would take a while to lose probably.

'It doesn't matter though, Patrick.' Kevin shook his head, trying to find the words to explain that it was too late. That he finally believed those horrible words that Patrick had told him last night about their hearts working differently, about how Patrick had just been playing grown-ups...'Because I'm finding I don't trust YOU. I DON'T believe you'll trust me, but I DO believe you'll always have one foot out the door, ready to walk away.' Kevin said brokenly. 'And it won't even take a little tug at the gym for you to leave me without looking back. All it will take is the THOUGHT that I might not live up to my promise. Or maybe all it will take is Richie to crook his holy little finger at you...I don't know.' Fuck. He really didn't know. How could it have come to this? He had to make Patrick understand that he was done with trying to keep someone who didn't want to stay.

'I DO know that I'm just exhausted from fighting so hard at persuading you to love me and commit to me, and that maybe Richie was right and you're not ready. Or maybe I'm just the wrong bloke and you never really loved me in the first place.' Kevin felt the first beginnings of panic at the thought of what that really meant. Jesus fucking christ. How could he have been so blind.

'Kevin, please don't do this.' Patrick tried again, and finally Kevin's meaning seemed to have penetrated because Patrick looked lost. 'I've been thinking so much about this all night, and you were right, this CAN work. I DO trust you and you can trust ME that I'm in this with you. I freaked out! You know how I can be, but I just needed some time to get my thoughts straight and I KNOW that we can make this work.' He continued talking. But talking was easy. And words were cheap to Patrick. He used so many of them and didn't seem to care what effect they had on others. So last night he worried about never getting a good night's sleep with Kevin again, and this morning he thought the two of them could make it work. Which Patrick was the real one? Kevin couldn't take yet another chance to find out.

Kevin looked at Patrick, seeing the tears that were forming in Patrick's eyes start to roll down his face, watching him reach out a hand again to hold Kevin still, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't stay.

'I'm sorry...' Kevin shook his head. He needed to get out of there before he lost his fucking mind. 'Look, I just have to go now, OK? I can't be...in the same room right now.' Shit. Patrick's face was killing him. But what about his own broken heart? Who was looking out for that? 'I think it's best if you move back out for now, so I'll be gone for a few hours.' Did those words come out of his mouth? He almost took them back because they sounded so preposterous to his own ears. But...self preservation was kicking in now, and he gave in to the need for it. 'I'll call you later so we can sort things out for tomorrow.' And those were the last words he said to Patrick before he walked out. No longer angry or bitter or resentful. Just so fucking sad.

So here he was, having fled the apartment, not able to stand being there for one more second. But...he'd had nowhere to go. His whole life was tied up in Patrick's. Because he'd held nothing back. He'd left Jon, and by extension, their mutual friends. He'd spent all his subsequent time with Patrick, not wanting to do anything more than hang out with him eating pizza, watching TV and fucking. He'd just put everything into this relationship and it hadn't been enough. Not for Patrick.

Well, shit. Now what. Kevin took a deep sigh and squared his shoulders. He couldn't sleep here tonight and he sure as fuck wasn't going back to that apartment. He'd have to find a hotel to crash for the night, and then tomorrow...well...tomorrow he'd have to face Patrick and start figuring this mess out. Fucking depressing.

Kevin powered up his work computer to star the practical task of finding somewhere to get some much needed sleep. He'd kept his phone and laptop off knowing that Patrick had probably tried to text or call him and he wasn't ready for that yet. He needed all his defenses shored up fully before he could deal with that.

But fucking hell, he'd forgotten about work email. Or rather, Patrick hadn't. Five fucking emails, all with the same subject line 'please call. i'm freaking out.'

Shit. Bugger. Fuck.

Come on Kevin, he willed himself, don't be a cunt. Don't fucking call. Don't drag this out. He could feel himself wavering. The thought of Patrick freaking out was just too fucking awful. But if he called, it would just be more of the same. Them hurting each other with accusations, Patrick needing reassurances that Kevin just didn't have the energy to give, Kevin feeling resentful at needing to beg and plead over and over...what was the fucking point? Patrick had made it clear through his actions that he couldn't trust Kevin and Kevin wasn't going to be able to spend a lifetime proving him wrong. Patrick's neediness required strength and solidity, and Kevin's was all used up. Patrick had done a number on him, and he had no reserves left. He wished he had because he knew that being without Patrick was going to hurt like a motherfucker, but...he couldn't keep Patrick through bullying and cajoling and persuading. Patrick wasn't a child.

But...he had told Patrick he would call him. That was the last thing he'd said to him this morning. And maybe Patrick needed him just this one last time. Patrick was out there somewhere feeling scared and sad. And that thought was just too horrible. Patrick freaking out, crying, contemplating his shattered life...just the idea of that made Kevin wince. He needed to at least let Patrick know that he was 'ok', in case he was anxious about that. And what's more, Kevin needed to know that Patrick was being looked after. Just seeing Patrick's emails made him feel so restless. Where was he? With friends? Please god not with Richie. No...he wouldn't be trying to reach Kevin if he was with Richie. He wouldn't be that cruel. He was probably with Agustin back at his place. Agustin could be relied on to look out for Patrick.

So he didn't need to call.

Though he'd said he would.

So, maybe just one quick call to make sure Patrick was safe, and to let Patrick know that they would talk tomorrow.

Kevin held his breath as he picked up his work phone and dialed Patrick's cell. If it went to messages he would just tell him...

Patrick picked up after the first ring.

'Kevin?' he heard Patrick's voice. Kevin squeezed his eyes closed as he felt tears well up again. Just at the sound of his fucking voice.

'Kevin? Say something. Where are you?' Patrick's voice again, sounding urgent, a little frantic.

'Uhm...hi.' Kevin managed to say quietly, praying his voice sounded normal.

There was a long silent pause and then, just so that Kevin could know how truly and deeply he was fucked, Patrick sighed and then drew in a quick breath, as if he was crying, and Kevin's heart started hammering with the need to comfort him.

Yep. He was completely and utterly fucked.