I thought you loved me
Today outside was snowing heavily, I was sitting on the couch alone. It was terribly freezing even inside the room, because you were not here with me. There were only couple days away from the Valentine's Day, which was the day that we were supposed to spend together. I had imagined different kind romantic ways to spend the special day with you, and I had to admit this was never occurred to my mind that there would be no Valentine's Day at all, at least not for me. I mean, if I didn't have a lover anymore, then what was the point of it anyway, right?
It had been a month now since the day we broke up. Well, you maybe would argue that we were still a couple, after all we never officially talked about that object. But I didn't think you had any chance to say it out aloud since we did not talk to each other anymore. Ok, I was the one that refused to talk to you, all right. But what was the difference? It didn't change the fact that you shot him without hesitation even after I begged you not to. You knew he was important to me, even once I told you that he meant nothing but a sperm donor to me. But deep down I knew he was more than that, and you knew that too. He was still a father to me biologically. At least he did his job as a father to protect me that day. Unlike you. That day I not only just lost him, more importantly I also lost you.
I just couldn't understand why you would do that to me, and if I couldn't understand then I didn't think I would be able to forgive you. I knew I should've let you explain. It was the right thing to do, but I just couldn't. I wasn't prepared myself to face you, not yet. After we had been through you deserved a chance to explain it to me and make me understand. I just couldn't let myself do that, believe me, Jane, I really wanted to.
You were always there when I needed you the most. I cried and you held me tight that day right here at my house where it became our home not long after that. When I was lost and helpless you heard my scream and came to find me. I still remembered that day beside my mother's bed, you told me that you would never tell me that everything would be ok when you didn't know it would, but you would always be there for me. I was really touched at that moment. I swear, I still heard those words coming out of your mouth, felt your touch on my skin, tasted your sweet kisses in my dreams. I still couldn't help myself looking for you after I had a nightmare. Then I realized that you were not there. Now the right side of my bed was cold and empty. My bed, god, I hated those two words. It was supposed to be our bed, our home, our life.
It was hard for me to live a life without you. You changed the world of mine when you told me you loved me, did you know that? You made me feel so safe and loved. I was so lucky to have you in my life, and I had a feeling that you were so proud to be with me. You were my best friend, my love, my strength, my everything, my whole world. Well, those were the words I never told you but I was planning to tell you on our first Valentine's Day. Now I really didn't know if you'd ever know that.
I thought you loved me. I thought you cared about me. If you did love and care about me, then how could pull that trigger?