He hates himself for what he did to her.

He hurt her, physically and mentally. Because of that, he hates himself, takes it out on himself. She doesn't know just how much it's killing him inside, doesn't realize that he's already feeling more pain than he should.

He loves her. But for once, he knows this is not something he can chase after, for she is no longer his. And furthermore, he no longer deserves her love in return. No longer deserves the forgiveness she will inevitably want to give him as time slowly and agonizingly evolves.

He thinks about this as he sits on the familiar, leather couch of the boarding house, aimlessly staring into the blazing fire. There's a familiar scent wafting through the air; he knows without even thinking that it's her damn coconut and honey shampoo, a scent he had grown to love when they were together that could only be described as Elena. She's been here so many times that the place smells of her; he can practically feel her gentle presence in the parlor.

But of course, she's not there.

This isn't something he can simply turn off, the longing to have her by his side. He knows that; he's accepted it. He's accepted the fact that she will never be at his side again, because it would be wrong, because no one can ever learn to love a monster once they've seen it at its worst. More importantly, he won't let anyone love the beast that he has become. She deserves better.

But he loves her. And he wants to be a better man, for her and her alone, whether she knows it or not.

"He dances. And I didn't even have to beg." Her words linger in his memory, causing the faintest of smiles to curve onto his slender lips. He liked being close to her again, liked the way her warm cheek felt against his when she told him they needed to speak alone.

He sighs as he remembers the way she stopped the door from closing. "Stefan," she interrupted. He decides then that he hates the way his name always sounds coming from her lips, so perfectly, so naturally. Whenever she says his name, a part of him wants to break. "Can you really not feel anything?"

He shivers, even though vampires don't get cold. He misses her.

There's a glass of blood on the coffee table that goes untouched. He wants it, but he doesn't need it. He's hungry, but he's not starving.

It's been four days since he's touched human blood. Four weeks and three days since he's killed someone. He's counted, not that it really matters, because he'll never tell her that he's trying to put himself back on track. He's trying for her; he wishes he could be with her, but he fears what would happen if she ever chooses to love him again. He doesn't want her to love him, but that doesn't change the way his heart picks up speed when she walks into the room. It's masochistic, in a way, he figures.

He doesn't care though. As long as they walk the same earth, he'll always aim to be the better man.

He loves her, but he hates her at the same time. Because she makes him feel...

She makes him feel everything.

AN: Just a short little one shot that came to mind. I don't normally write in the present tense, but I decided to write something new. I figured that I could write a little bit about what I think is happening in Stefan's head right now! Please review and let me know what you thought of it!

Thanks!
-Sara