Title: the trouble with inbreeding
Characters: Team 7, Itachi as a source of the problem
Summary: Naruto needs better eyes. Then he wouldn't get into these situations.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
Author's Note: …no words. Well, actually, there are. This is the first in a string of loosely connected nonmassacre drabbles and oneshots, simply because it has the potential for a lot of crazy. And like…less than half the angst the manga is piling on Sasuke at the moment. Main pairing featured is SasuSaku, with other characters explored at random. Not much plot, really.

"That's our best soap you're slobbering all over."

Naruto looked up from the sink to glare at Sasuke, who was leaning in the doorway of the bathroom, smirking.

"After your brother contaminated my mouth, I need it!" he snapped, inwardly shuddering as the events of ten minutes came back with a vengeance.

"It's your own fault," said Sasuke, who was enjoying Naruto's anguish a little too much to be decent. "Any normal person would have noticed the six inch height difference."

"But—the hair! And the apron! And—mfaklgh." Naruto whimpered and resumed scrubbing his mouth out.

It was supposed to have been an innocent gesture. Naruto and Sakura had come by the Uchiha compound to collect Sasuke for a spar. While they were waiting for him, Naruto had seen someone he had thought to be Sasuke's mother in the kitchen, washing the dishes. Naruto had a great deal of affection for Mikoto, and had snuck up behind her, intending to surprise her with a bear hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Unfortunately, it had not been Uchiha Mikoto. It had been, in actuality, her eldest son. Who had happened to turn his head at the exact, most inopportune moment.

Yeah.

Hence washing his mouth out with soap, while Sasuke was a horrible friend and laughed at him.

"You know, this is what happens when cousins get married," said Naruto when he resurfaced, groping blindly for the towel on the shelf. "You all look freakishly the same."

"They were seventh cousins. They didn't even share a last name." Sasuke pointed out, slightly annoyed. Why did everyone (by which he meant mainly Naruto) always feel the need to bring that up as though a minor blood relation explained all his character flaws?

Naruto rinsed out his mouth and spat before answering. "Like that makes any difference."

"Well, seventh cousins don't have any greater blood relation than two random strangers on the street." commented Sakura, poking her head over Sasuke's shoulder and startling both of her teammates. "You all right, Naruto?"

"Do I look all right to you?" demanded Naruto, pretending to gag.

Sakura raised an eyebrow. "Calm down. It's just a standard question."

"Yeah yeah. I'm fine, sort of." Naruto's scowl quickly morphed into a more normal-looking grin. "But thanks for asking, unlike Bastard over there." He gestured at Sasuke rudely.

Sasuke just shrugged, still smirking.

"Good." said Sakura, a smirk starting to form on her own face. "The next time you go downstairs, then, brace yourself. Mikoto-san is demanding you take responsibility for, ah, compromising Itachi-san's virtue." She couldn't quite stop herself from snickering, despite her best efforts. Sasuke was torn between looking amused and disgusted.

Naruto just groaned. Then he tried to drown himself under the faucet.

Plotless, laaame…but I really love the nonmassacre universe.

It's very shiny. Don't lie. You like it too. Actually, if you have any scenarios you'd like to see in particular, by all means suggest them!

Reviews, please?