HGSS in 500 Words
Who the hell is this? This isn't Ash. Never mind, roll with it.
Not Ash goes to Violet. Having played God of War, he uses Sand Attack to show the walkways in the gym. Falkner gives him the badge for actually solving the gym puzzle instead of just hugging the wall like a bitch.
Not Ash goes to Azalea. Torches the bug gym to the ground. Picks the badge from the ashes. Nobody who matters cares.
Not Ash goes to Goldenrod. Compliments Whitney on gym layout. Gets a badge for milking her Miltank. That is not a euphemism.
Not Ash goes to Ecutreak. Learns that the gym employs ghosts. Hires an exorcist. Becomes traumatized at the sight of pea soup.
Not Ash goes to Cianwood. Glad that there's finally a gym that's being used as a gym. Does manly battle with Chuck. That is also not a euphemism.
Not Ash goes to Olivine. Has to retrieve Gym Leader from lighthouse. Becomes momentarily blind from being inside a lighthouse. Fights through whole gym despite having difficulty concentrating since Jasmine flashed him. Kind of wish that was a euphemism.
Not Ash goes to Mahogany. Finds the gym filled with heavy ice blocks. Reports the gym for not complying with Occupational Safety and Health Administration standards. Old Man Pryce is not amused. Gives Not Ash the badge anyway because he's senile and forgets that they didn't just fight. Old people read this and are also not amused.
Not Ash goes to Blackthorn. Finds gym filled with boiling lava. The police he tells this to are not amused. Blackthorn gym literally goes under when the building's foundation melts and the whole gym sinks into the lake behind it. Clair is also not amused. People who don't like reoccurring jokes read this and are also also not amused.
Not Ash goes to the Johto League. Wonders what happened to necessitate two regions having the same League represent them both. Not Ash struggles but makes do.
Not Ash goes to Kanto. Immediately understands that Kanto is piggybacking Johto.
Not Ash goes to Pewter. Brock is now older and less of a chore stealing hardass.
Not Ash goes to Cerulean. Has to retrieve Misty from her romantic date. Misty is hot now. Not Ash tries to keep things from getting awkward.
Not Ash goes to Vermillion. Lt. Surge is on parole. He looks healthier.
Not Ash goes to Celadon. Erika is in rehab. Her ego is still bruised. No one who matters cares.
Not Ash goes to Fuchsia. No weapons, but it is being run by a child. Child labor is far too prevalent in Pokemon.
Not Ash goes to Cinnabar. Finds a badge in the burned down gym. Nobody cares about Blaine.
Not Ash goes to Viridian. Finds some loser in charge. Proceeds to 'Smell Him Later'. This is also not a euphemism. Probably.
Not Ash returns to the Indi-Johto League. Smiles are had and butts are kicked.
Nobody climbs Mount Silver.