A/N: This is sad, very sad. Please review!
It is said that you never know what you had until you lost it, but this time it was not the case. He knew what he had, what he lost, and what he wanted back. He knew all of this for twenty-five years, yet even then he still had one of those things. Now, he was alone, without his best friends, and it was eating him away inside. His mind kept re-playing the moment when he lost it all. What he was doing, thinking, what was going on around him and what was happening to his best friend. Yes, he thought that everything would have turned out differently. That after it was all over he would laugh about what a klutz he had been that night. That they would sit back in Grimmauld Place, resting, talking, and plotting about what the next move should be. But he wasn't and they weren't.
**
Of all the things I believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by
**
Time seemed to slow when it happened, his head turned away from the battle he had been fighting to what was going on feet away from him. He saw the shocked look in his eyes, yet at the same time the smile that was across his handsome face. The red light of the Stunning Charm had been extinguished long ago, but then he saw it. He was falling.
**
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing
are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
**
And he fell, through the veil, and into the darkness.
**
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day
without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my
thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right
**
And he fell alone.
**
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
**
It took quite a while for it to sink in, for him to grab Harry and for his voice to return. Despite the fact that he knew what had happened, it took a few seconds for him to accept it. That his best friend was never to return, that he wasn't going to come through the veil. He knew Harry didn't accept it either and it took all his strength not to cry, to break down and let Harry run to his own demise. It took all his strength not to follow the boys' example.
**
And it hurts to want everything and
nothing at the same time
I want what's yours
and I want what's mine
I want you
And I'm not giving in this time
**
Yet after the battle, that was a different story. After, before the Aurors came to take away the Death Eaters, he sank to his knees in the middle of the room. Moody was coming to, Tonks was being picked up and carried away and someone was tugging to the sleeve of his robes, but all he could do was stare. He stared at the arch, at the veil, and into the darkness that no one ever came back through. He stared after this best friend who had fallen away from him so carelessly to the triumphant cries of his cousin who had killed another. Large tears fell silently down his cheeks and onto the floor leaving wet lines upon his already aged face. There was another tug, and more tears came. For days the tears never stopped.
**
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
**
He had lost three of his best friends to the evil that was Voldemort, one to the Dark Lord's own hand. He had lost another to the lord himself, to the service of a madman. The other had gone by the hands of one of his Death Eaters, one of his minions, to the cause of evil. The once proud, mighty and unshakeable Marauders were reduced to one, the wolf who had lost his pack. Oh if he could go back, go back days to the Death Chamber and years to the house in Godrics Hollow. If only he could go back to his school days when they were together and happy, their biggest problem being an up-coming Transfiguration test. If only he had been more watchful, more attentive, more observant, maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe he wouldn't be without his friends.
Back in Grimmauld Place, after beating the god damned house elf to a bloody pulp, he cried his tears for his friends who had left him. For Peter who had been swayed by the power of darkness, in the end betraying his own friends whom he had loved like brothers. For James who never got to see his son grow up and who never got to say goodbye to his friends and family and the world he loved so much. And for Sirius, who never got to be free. Maybe one day, he would see them again, and one day, someone would shed a tear for him, for Remus, for the wolf who had lost his pack.
**
And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star
**
FOR SIRIUS: WHO NEVER GOT TO BE FREE.
It is said that you never know what you had until you lost it, but this time it was not the case. He knew what he had, what he lost, and what he wanted back. He knew all of this for twenty-five years, yet even then he still had one of those things. Now, he was alone, without his best friends, and it was eating him away inside. His mind kept re-playing the moment when he lost it all. What he was doing, thinking, what was going on around him and what was happening to his best friend. Yes, he thought that everything would have turned out differently. That after it was all over he would laugh about what a klutz he had been that night. That they would sit back in Grimmauld Place, resting, talking, and plotting about what the next move should be. But he wasn't and they weren't.
**
Of all the things I believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by
**
Time seemed to slow when it happened, his head turned away from the battle he had been fighting to what was going on feet away from him. He saw the shocked look in his eyes, yet at the same time the smile that was across his handsome face. The red light of the Stunning Charm had been extinguished long ago, but then he saw it. He was falling.
**
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing
are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
**
And he fell, through the veil, and into the darkness.
**
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day
without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my
thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right
**
And he fell alone.
**
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
**
It took quite a while for it to sink in, for him to grab Harry and for his voice to return. Despite the fact that he knew what had happened, it took a few seconds for him to accept it. That his best friend was never to return, that he wasn't going to come through the veil. He knew Harry didn't accept it either and it took all his strength not to cry, to break down and let Harry run to his own demise. It took all his strength not to follow the boys' example.
**
And it hurts to want everything and
nothing at the same time
I want what's yours
and I want what's mine
I want you
And I'm not giving in this time
**
Yet after the battle, that was a different story. After, before the Aurors came to take away the Death Eaters, he sank to his knees in the middle of the room. Moody was coming to, Tonks was being picked up and carried away and someone was tugging to the sleeve of his robes, but all he could do was stare. He stared at the arch, at the veil, and into the darkness that no one ever came back through. He stared after this best friend who had fallen away from him so carelessly to the triumphant cries of his cousin who had killed another. Large tears fell silently down his cheeks and onto the floor leaving wet lines upon his already aged face. There was another tug, and more tears came. For days the tears never stopped.
**
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
**
He had lost three of his best friends to the evil that was Voldemort, one to the Dark Lord's own hand. He had lost another to the lord himself, to the service of a madman. The other had gone by the hands of one of his Death Eaters, one of his minions, to the cause of evil. The once proud, mighty and unshakeable Marauders were reduced to one, the wolf who had lost his pack. Oh if he could go back, go back days to the Death Chamber and years to the house in Godrics Hollow. If only he could go back to his school days when they were together and happy, their biggest problem being an up-coming Transfiguration test. If only he had been more watchful, more attentive, more observant, maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe he wouldn't be without his friends.
Back in Grimmauld Place, after beating the god damned house elf to a bloody pulp, he cried his tears for his friends who had left him. For Peter who had been swayed by the power of darkness, in the end betraying his own friends whom he had loved like brothers. For James who never got to see his son grow up and who never got to say goodbye to his friends and family and the world he loved so much. And for Sirius, who never got to be free. Maybe one day, he would see them again, and one day, someone would shed a tear for him, for Remus, for the wolf who had lost his pack.
**
And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star
**
FOR SIRIUS: WHO NEVER GOT TO BE FREE.