A/N: Hey guys! This could be a tough one to read, sorry. I like to express my demons through stories and this is what I came up with. TW for suicidal thoughts, self harm, depression etc. Usual stuff applies - I don't own PD, I'm not a mental health professional and any mistakes are mine. Read at your own risk. Enjoy x
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Cutting Edge
Chapter 1
By theonechicagoncis
Voight's POV
I've been sat watching Halstead for a while now. He's got dark rings under his eyes and I don't think he's shaved in ages. He's agitated, I can tell. The day has been calm but he's squirmed in his seat, shifting uncomfortably every 3 minutes or so. His eyes look empty and sad as he stares off into god knows what. Everyone else is relaxed and chatting with each other, but he hasn't said a word. I'm slightly worried, he's been acting weird for a few weeks, but decide to brush it off. Maybe he had another bad night.
Alvin's POV
I keep catching Voight looking up at Jay from inside his office. To be honest, I've been worried about Jay for a long time, but it seems like Hank has caught on as well. Jay hasn't been himself for weeks. I once found him in the bathroom and it was obvious he had been crying, but he denied it and pushed me away, aggressive and defensive. It was an odd encounter, especially because Jay is usually very good at hiding his emotions, but recently I've noticed him becoming more and more isolated and irritated. That's not like him at all.
My last thought gets interrupted when Jay suddenly stands and almost runs out of the bullpen. I sigh slightly, it isn't the first time. He's been leaving a lot, never when we have a case (because he is in the job with his whole heart) but when we have a slow day, he will run out for 10 minutes ish, come back and get lost in his thoughts again, pretending to look at his email despite nothing to read. I'm beginning to worry about the number of his sudden outbursts, so I decide to pay Voight a little visit.
Voight's POV
"What can I do for you Alvin?" I say to my old friend. I look up and see Alvin's face, expecting his usual smug smile, but instead he looks... almost distressed?
"Hank, I'm worried about Jay. His behaviour has been concerning me and I can't sit and let whatever he is battling keep eating him up. The guy looks like he hasn't slept or eaten in weeks!" His face is a sheet of complete concern for our friend, and I let out a sigh.
"So you've noticed it too" I reply, leaning over slightly to see if Jay has returned. I knew he had left, but given his agitation over the last few weeks I decided to leave it.
"He leaves for around 10 minutes every time, and I know he goes to the bathroom when he does. What if he's popping pills or something? He'll get his job taken away, and I'm pretty sure this is the only thing that keeps him stable!" Alvin sighs heavily, the pain evident on his face.
"I'll go to his apartment tonight, see if I can get him to talk" I knew that Jay was going to be difficult to crack, because of his military background. I wasn't going to let him keep going on like this, however.
We sit in silence for a minute.
"Should we tell Erin?" Alvin suddenly says. I shake my head instantly.
"No. We can't tell her or anyone for that matter. We don't even know what he's up to yet. That's not fair on Jay or the others, they have their own problems" I give him a look to say you better promise not to say a word.
Alvin nods his head at me, and then leaves to finish his paperwork. I rest my head in my hands. This is going to be a long night.
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Jay's POV
I know that Alvin has caught on to my issues. But as much as I know I need help, they can't find out about what I'm doing. I can't ask for help. That makes me weaker than I already am. So instead, I found a way to deal with it myself when I'm alone in the bathroom.
Reaching into my pocket, I pull out the blade, sharp and slightly blood stained. Taking a deep breath, I let it slice through my pale skin, watching as the blood begins to trickle down my arm and stain the water below. I shake in pain and sob, but it's comforting to me in a way. I repeat the process 5 times before I am content enough to return to my desk.
I've been doing the same thing for weeks now. It's gotten to a point where it's part of my daily routine. The pain is addicting and a comfort to my demons, even if the relief is only temporary, so I carry on without help. I plan to keep it that way.
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Voight's POV
"Alright kid, goodnight" I say squeezing Erin's hands. She's the last to leave the district apart from me and Alvin, which means that I can head to my next destination. Just as I'm about to get in the car, Alvin nods his head in my direction and I nod back, our silent communication saying a thousand words.
It takes about 20 minutes to reach Jay's apartment. He lives in a nice neighbourhood, perfect for his military style of living - Jay is the tidiest person I know. As I approach his door, I'm surprised to not hear his TV blasting some sort of action movie. When he's angry or upset he turns the volume up to drown out his thoughts and distract himself. But tonight, not a sound can be heard. I'm instantly on high alert. I prepare myself before knocking.
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When Jay finally opens the door, I see him physically tense at the sight of me standing in front of him. He begins to back away, like I am a threat, and I hold my hands up to show my peace. Originally I had planned to get right down to business and set him straight, but I can see that Jay isn't going to cooperate that easily. He's terrified.
I decide to change my approach, looking him straight in the eyes. "Jay, I'm not going to hurt you, I just want to have a little chat. Is that okay?" He just stares at me, shaking slightly and breathing way too quickly for my liking. "Jay? Can I come in?" I repeat again. Finally he nods, and allows me to walk in without the worry he's going to attack me.
I watch for a moment as he sinks into his sofa before I join him.
I start the conversation, albeit slowly. "Jay, me and Alvin are really worried about you. You've been acting weird for weeks and we want to help" He is recoiling into himself but the longer I wait, the further he will retract. So I continue.
"I know you don't trust me and I know that you think I'm going to punish you for not having your head on straight. But listen to me kid, we can see you're struggling. Let me help you, I promise that you can talk to me" I notice that he's starting to calm his breaths and he lifts his head up slightly so that he's now looking at my face.
"Serious Jay, it's okay. Talk to me" I repeat. Just when I think we're going to get nowhere, he breaks down into loud sobs. They are devastating to listen to, he's in so much pain and you can tell just through the chokes and hitches of breath that come along with his tears. I pull him closer to me and hold him while he cries.
We sit like that for a while. I let him come round himself, not wanting to push him too far. He's going to be embarrassed by letting me see him so vulnerable, but for now all I care about is making sure he's okay. Which clearly, he isn't.
Jay finally calms down again, and I wait for him to start talking rather than the other way round. He lifts himself off my lap and resituates on the sofa. However, what I see next takes me completely off guard and I gasp in pure shock.
The arms of his shirt had shifted as he'd pulled away, revealing huge angry scars all the way up and down his arms. All I can do is stare. Some appear to be faded, which I predict to be a few months old. Some are clearly fresh as his skin is angry and protesting. Jay has been cutting, and I had no idea at all.
"Oh my god" is all I can say.
Realising what he's done, he quickly pulls his sleeves back down to hide the damage. I can see him start to panic and he stumbles to his feet, desperate to get away from the situation. He heads towards the kitchen in an attempt to busy himself. I start to edge towards him, being careful not to startle him, before he slides down the wall and stares up at me, desperation clear in his blue eyes.
I sit down and join him.
"I'm so sorry" he whispers. I look at his face - he appears so much younger than usual. So... vulnerable.
"Jay, why? Why would you punish yourself like this?" I ask him softly. I keep my tone quiet in case he feels threatened but to my relief he carries on.
"I'm not sure how it started... but I've been battling with depression for a while now... and along with my PTSD it got too much for me to handle" I can tell he is trying to fight back tears now. "It made me feel better at first but now... now I just feel useless and weak and... like I want to die..." His voice trails off at the last part.
I take his hands in mine. I haven't always seen eye to eye with Jay but now I feel like I have a responsibility to this kid to keep him alive.
"Jay, you are such an incredibly talented detective, what would I do without your famous shot if you decided to do something stupid, huh? Everyone in intelligence loves you and we would all be devastated if you decided to leave us like that. Can you promise me that you will come and talk to someone if you feel like ever going that far?"
He begins to cry again and repeats I'm sorry, I'm so sorry over and over again, so I take that as my cue to carry him to bed. It doesn't take much to lift him, he's lost a lot of muscle mass from not eating. He's exhausted, and as soon as his head hits the pillow he's out. I watch him for a moment. He's clearly not slept for weeks, so I decide to pull up a chair to keep a close eye on him. He's going to need all the support he can get, and I'm willing to be there every step of the way until he gets back on his feet.
I send Alvin a message, "not coming in tomorrow, the kid is a hell of a lot worse than we anticipated. I'm going to keep an eye on him. Tell the others that we've gone to talk to a CI, I don't want the word out" I know I can trust Alvin. Jay needs someone to help him and I'm not going to let that someone, or something, be the easy way out.
I get a text back almost instantly. "He's not using drugs is he? Please tell me he's not"
"No, he isn't. His head is on straight, just needs a little TLC. We'll talk later. Night"
With that, I put my phone away and settle down for sleep, the only sound being Jay's breathing, regular and peaceful. I'm beginning to realise how much I love this kid, and I'm going to make it my life's goal to make it up to him for not seeing the signs. I love him too much to let him go.
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A/N: Feel free to leave a review so I know whether to carry on. Suggestions are welcome for further parts of this story or any new ones you'd like to read, I'd love to hear your ideas. You can contact me on here, Instagram or Twitter @theonechicagoncis. Much love x