Oh, so you are familiar with Star Wars, are you not? Alright, well, perhaps you are familiar with the famous commander Admiral Pie. He was the rough and tough smart-ass that Dark Vader puts in charge of the captain of the super star destroyer called the Executor. He was a hard man to work for, I mean Dark Vader, and so Admiral Pie once went to the rock and roll planet of Tattooween to cool his jets and maybe take in a famous rock and roll show! You know how he does it down there. I have gone to great lengths to show you how he rolls!
Admiral Pie - Well, I am going to go to the Can to hear Chubby Checker bomp out a tune or two.
Hand - I'll go with you, if you are lonely
Admiral Pie - I don't want you to make fun of me anymore
Hand - OK. It is nine posicreds to get in?
Admiral Pie - I got it.
So they go into the Can after their argument, and here is Chubby Checker, doin' what he do best and really rockin' the house down! He is one of the premier bad-asses of rock and roll, a kind of music he invented! The song he sings goes like this:
Well, I
got a little girl and she knows how to twist Oh I gotta hard fuckin' life,
rock and rolling is tough business
She loves to twist
and do the twist all the fucking live-long day
I put her head
between my likes and cracked it like a nut
The coppers came and
sent me up the river right away
God is a liar, I worship Satan
now
Admiral Pie - You're going to write a new song, and
Chubby - Oh, you think you can do a better job?
Admiral Pie - How about I am your manager now, and writing your songs?
Chubby - The deal is what it is, and for me, that is all I can expect.
So Admiral Pie makes Chubby Checker sign a contract, and now they are in the rock and roll business! They are both pleased with the arrangement, except Hand Solo!
Hand - Oh, he doesn't know about rock and roll! He will never get it.
Admiral Pie - Chubby, I have written a song for you. Here it is:
Pretty little woman
with the red dress on Whoo, spinny spinny!
Don't move a peg 'til you can shake that
thing and mess around
If you step outta line I'm gonna hang you
like a dog
Your future lies in a shallow grave on the outskirts of
town
Spinny spinny rock and
roll!
Admiral Pie - I have booked you ninety days at Twin Red Suns Studio. That will probably be enough time to get the song correctly recorded. You must arrive tomorrow at nine o'clock, and then you will be sequestered for the next three months.
Chubby - Man, that is a hard deal. But you are a white man, so I trust you implicitly. Nine o'clock it is!
So Chubby sets his alarm and wakes up at seven o'clock. Admiral Pie fixes him a healthful breakfast of corn pone, jelly butter, deep-fried biscuits, honeycomb, and rattlesnake eggs. He puts a coffee IV drip in Chubby's arm while he eats. Chubby gets dressed up in the finest clothes, befitting his position as the King of Rock and Roll! Admiral Pie handcuffs chubby so he can't get away, and they walk out to the limousine waiting for them. It is parked across the street.
As they walk across the street, Hand Solo speeds up and intentionally mows down Chubby Checker. Chubby is torn in half, and his intestines even pop out and are splattered like jammy on the roady. Admiral Pie jumps to safety, and he cannot believe what has happened. His dream is dead, and he will never again be the man he so wanted to be once? I don't know.
Chubby Checker became dead, and this was considered murder. Hand Solo was whisked away to trial, where he was found guilty of all charges. He was sentenced to 99 billion light-years in Sing Sing, but he was paroled nine seconds later when his attorney, Matlock, figured out that a light-year is a measure of distance, not time, and thus the sentence was nonsense.
Admiral Pie was killed when the Executor crashed into the second Death Star. His life was pretty much bullshit.
THE END.