Have you ever wondered what it'd be like to love someone? Have you ever asked yourself if you were capable of love? Have you ever been in love? Why am I in love?
Love is mostly conflicting emotions, where your not sure what you feel but how strongly you feel it. Love makes you feel like you're floating on air, dancing in the clouds. I've never felt so alive.
Every time he walks into the room, I can't help but smile. Every time he looks my way, I can't help but think it's because he wants to see me. Every time he looks in my eyes, I can't help but think I see longing, though it's never there. Every time he speaks to me, I can't help but think that his voice becomes gentler, almost loving. Every time he's around me, I have to remind myself that he doesn't want me.
Adam Banks is a strong person. The last thing he needs is to worry about loving someone. He's an amazing man. So strong, powerful, confident, like he feels he owns the world. But sometimes I think he needs the love, he needs to be needed, because everyone longs to feel needed.
Sometimes I feel so strongly for him, that if I move, I'll break. I'm fragile and I know that, I'd fall if he knew I loved him. He knows that I can be… I don't know, weak, at times because he's seen me like that. But if I were to tell him how much I feel for him as more than a friend, I'd think I'd become scared and run away, never let him find me.
It seems like he cares for me a lot. When I'm sick, he's usually the one to come to me with soup and games, just to hang out. When I'm hurt, he comes with ice packs and we just sit and talk. When I'm scared, and he knows it, he'll sit by me and hold my hand till I feel okay about it. And when I'm in pain, crying, he'll hold me and let me cry on his shoulder. But that's only because we're best friends.
I'm scared to tell him how I feel. I'm scared to tell anyone, though I really need to talk to someone about this. I want to tell him, but… I don't want to be rejected and I don't want him to not want to be my best friend, if my friend at all. And I don't want him to not want me on the team. Hockey's my life next to him, and if I can't have him, I need Hockey.
A knock on the door startled me out of my thinking. I got up from where I sat at my computer and walked to the door. I opened it to find Deirdre, Guy's girlfriend and one of my best friends.
"Hey, Charlie." She said. "Can I come in?" I opened the door for her.
"Hey, Deirdre. What's up?" I asked walking back to my computer.
"Nothing really. I just wanted to talk to you. Have you been feeling okay? You've been acting a little weird lately." She stated her observation pulling a chair from the other side of the room next to me.
"I'm fine, I've just been a little out of it. I guess it's because we're graduating tomorrow." I made a white lie that was half truthful.
"Yeah, and we thought it was amazing you made it to senior year, now you're actually graduating!" She exclaimed wrapping her arms around my neck.
"Deirdre." I choked.
"What?" She asked hearing my muffled voice.
"Air." I said and she immediately let go. "I know you're proud of me, but please, show it in another way, I'd prefer to live." I joked. She laughed but her face turned to concern soon after.
"What's that email say?" She asked.
"Oh, uh, nothing, don't worry about it." I said quickly clicking it off the screen.
"You're not going to college?" She asked. "You weren't accepted?"
"What? That's not what that said." I defended myself.
"Then show me that email." She said. I was trapped.
"Fine, no, I wasn't accepted and I'm not going to college. I'm just going to go backpacking through Europe. You know, take a year off to have an adventure before I try my hand at college again." I said shutting down AOL and walking to my bed.
"But, Charlie. Why'd you tell us all you got into NYU?" She asked.
"Because it was a school that no one who I knew was going to. I did it so you guys would think I was smart enough to get into college. I'm moving to New York anyway so I just thought it worked." I said. I'm a loser, I know.
"Charlie, we all know you're smart. You don't need to make up things for our sake. But you're not the only one not going to college. Julie's being drafted to the minors and so is Adam!" God, I really didn't need to hear his name right now.
"But they're being drafted, they have reasons not to go to college. I wasn't even considered." I sat back down in my chair after yelling at her in a fit of rage. It was true, I had nowhere to go and nowhere to be in my life and the sad thing was it that no one knew how much that hurt.
"Charlie, just because you weren't drafted yet doesn't mean you won't be. You're an amazing player, your only problem is that you can be a puck-hog. But not everyone can get drafted on first notice, sometimes better things come when you're not expecting them." Deirdre said to me. I have to admit, she is good with words.
"I guess you're right." But like I said before, everyone longs to be needed…..
"Charlie's not going to college." Deirdre said.
"What?" My water came flying out of my mouth. "He told me he was." I said.
"He told us all he was going to NYU, Adam. But, he lied." Deirdre spoke again.
"Why would he lie to me?" I asked aloud.
"He told me he didn't want us to think he was stupid or something, not being able to go to college." She sat on Portman's bed across from mine.
"But I'm not going, neither is Julie." I said. I don't understand this. Why would Charlie feel the need to lie to me? He knows I'm his friend, hell, we're best friends, but why didn't he tell me?
"But you and Julie are being drafted. He said he wasn't even considered. I think he's on a path of no return. He's never lied to us before." Deirdre said.
"Are you worried about him?" I asked. In all truth, I'm scared when it comes to him; I never know what to think.
"Yeah, aren't you?" She asked.
"No, it's his life and he could lie to us he if wanted it's not like it changes our lives." I said. I don't really see a big deal, but… I understand why she's worried.
"It changes ours if he gets hurt. Uh, just, please, talk to him? I'd feel a lot better if you did." Deirdre said standing up and walking towards the door. I followed and stopped her as soon as she walked out the door.
"I promise I'll talk to him in a little bit." I said and shut the door.
Sometimes I'm sick of worrying about Charlie. No one seems to notice that I need to be cared for too. I mean, Charlie's practically my only friend, the others only talk to me when they need something or when something's wrong. But, I'm as fragile as he is, maybe even more.
I always make an act where I'm okay, stable. But I'm not. I'm normally moping around the room when Portman's not here. I'm depressed a lot. I mean, have you ever felt like you were in love? My love's unreachable though.
I, Adam Banks, am in love with Charlie Conway.