I remember the first time I saw him. His gorgeous brown hair, deep pool of chocolate that was his eyes. I was sweating and tired, but I held him to me like he was my last lifeline, my last hope for humanity. After everything I'd been through, I was speechless. It was much more painful than I anticipated, but so worth it just to get to see his beautiful face. No, I'm not talking about sex, mind you. I'm talking about Shae Brian Jonas, the second-best thing to ever happen to me, besides his father Kevin, of course. Everyone always said I would be a great mother, and I knew it too.

When I found out I was pregnant, I honestly thought Kevin was angry. I said to him,

"Kevin, in around seven months, we should add a room on to the house. I think we should paint it yellow. Maybe put some ducks in there, a crib possibly..."

Kevin just sat there. As seconds passed, the look on his face changed from confusion, to realization, to nothing. His face looked like a blank piece of paper, to be honest.

I took a step forward, took a deep breath, and the next thing I knew Kevin had me in his arms like he was carrying me over the threshold all over again, and kissed me passionately. I could taste his Colgate toothpaste as he gently slid his tongue across my teeth. Fireworks went off in my head as I could feel myself getting weak at the knees, even though I wasn't on the ground. He slowly pulled away, the blank look still on his face, and placed me gently on the bed.

"Jay." He said cautiously. "If we name our child Paul Kevin III I will personally throw you out on the street with nothing but that red lacy thong I love on you so much and a piece of newspaper, so that some old hobo on the street picks you up thinking you're a hooker."

I laughed, and said "How about you name him then?"

When he questioned my use of the word 'him', I simply said that I had mothers intuition already.

Shae Brian was born on January 1st, Shae meaning 'A gift', and Brian meaning 'Strong One'.

When Shae was four, he said to me,

"Mommy, what's your real name? Aaron at school told me that mommy isn't your name, is he right?"

I stared at him with awe, wondering how such questions could come out of such a young boys mouth. I had nothing left to do but to answer him.

"Jay. Like the birdie we saw last week, remember? The blue, one outside your window?"

"Oh. Okay. I'm still going to call you mommy though because I want everyone to know that you're my mommy and not anyone else's."

That was one of many of Shaes, 'Let's make mommy melt' moments.

Another one was the day Shae decided he wanted to be a musician like his father. He was eight years old then, and lets just say he inherited my musical skills, not Kevin's. He was a beautiful artist though. Even at a young age he ha a real eye for capturing the essence of a scene unfolding before him. Whenever he was sad, angry, jubilant, or scared, he would draw what he saw in his mind. I still have this one picture of his Uncle Nicholas that he drew when Nick bought him the video game he wanted, Mario Kart 12, for his birthday, even after we told him no. He drew Nick with wings and a halo, which is how Shae saw him in his mind. I got it framed, and for a 10 year old, it was an amazing picture.

No matter what kin of things his drawing has gotten him into, I will never forget how happy drawing made Shae.

Now, as I sit on the floor of my kitchen, I look around at my Husband and the police officer at my door. Kevin hasn't moved, and the police officer looks like he wants to give us a hug, and get out of here as quickly as possible, all at the same time. I touch my face, no tears. I don't think there will be.

"Tell us again." Kevin demands.

The officer looks nervous, but proceeds to tell the story again, for what seems like the 5th time.

"Your son, Shae Jonas, was sitting in his car at the intersection of Dorchester rd. an Smith rd. drawing the scenery, as it seems from the drawing found in his lap at the scene. His car was parked, and around 7:36 PM a drunk driver swerved off the road, into the drivers side of your 2012 black Honda Hybrid. He died on impact. Again, I'm really sorry."

I stood up, wavering a little, using the leg of the wooden table on my left to steady myself.

As Kevin comes over to me, to comfort me, I'm guessing, I hold out my hand.

"No." I say. "I'm okay."

As my thoughts and memories of Shae run past my mind, the death of my only son doesn't seem to upset me as much as it should.

I know that Shae has moved on to bring a smile to faces other than me, and while I wasn't at first, I am okay.