Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or anybody residing in that realm, nor do I own Hessian mercenary imitations, the Cruciatus Curse or most anything in this story. Oh, and ignore the little note about the other story at the bottom, because I am obviously not going to post it on a LotR site.
The Battle of No-Name
And Comments on Certain Relationships
During the Quest to destroy the Ring, there were many battles between the Alliance of Men and Elves and the forces of both Mordor and Isengard. One of these infamous battles was Helm's Deep. If you can recall, that is the battle where Legolas rode down a flight of stairs on a shield looking very sexy, and Gimli was tossed by Aragorn (much to the embarrassing ridicule of fat dwarves). But you probably know all about that. What you don't know about is the Battle that has No Name of which I am going to tell you. Then you will know.
The great city of Minas Tirith was under attack. They could not fend off the thousands of degrading orcs by themselves, so they called upon the people of Rohan to help them. The Horse-Lords of Rohan were not surprised since Gondor was composed of psychotic and suicidal winos. Some came to their aid anyway. Aragorn led the small brigade of horsemen with Legolas and Gimli at his side. Legolas and Gimli were of course riding the same horse. Ever since they became friends, they liked to be especially close to each other. Aragorn kept his comments on this relationship to himself. I don't. Also tagging along were Frodo and Sam (don't ask me how they got there). I also have comments on that special relationship. Anyway, when they reached the gate of Minas Tirith, they paused with anticipation. All of them knew that the battle would be hard and that most of them would endure sudden and gruesome deaths from degrading orcses. Others, on the other hand, would not even mess up their long, pretty, blonde hair (three guesses who that is?). It would take them a minute or two to overcome emotional issues…
If you will please hold, the Men are still overcoming their emotional issues…
Um, it appears that they still have a few emotional issues to be dealt with…
Oh, well now they're crying…
Legolas, while overcoming his emotional issues, decided to present Aragorn with a gift. He had recently ordered him a new sword off of eBay. It was very lovely, but he did not know this because he had not yet taken off the plastic packaging. He decided to just give it to Aragorn like it was. "I have a gift for you," said Legolas to Aragorn.
"Oh, thank you, Legolas. I am sure it is lovely, but I have not yet removed the plastic packaging," said Aragorn. At that moment, the gate if Minas Tirith opened and orcs spewed themselves forth. Aragorn would just have to fight the orcs with the plastic wrap still on the sword. This worked out better than he predicted because all the orcs stopped in their tracks when they saw him and laughed at him. Before they knew it, they would be stabbed with Aragorn's plastic-wrapped sword and would no longer be laughing but coughing up blood. Aragorn had soon killed so many of these laughing orcs that he had to find a way to have fun with this tedious task. He chopped off heads while impersonating Hessian mercenaries, stabbed orcs in personal areas, cleaned orcs ears with the tip of his sword, gallivanted around the castle while pretending to ride an ostrich, dissected orcses and looked for their spleens, waved his sword around like a lunatic while barking, popped out orcses eyeballs, and I think we had better move on.
Now, you are probably wondering what happens to Legolas and Gimli and Frodo and Sam in this story. Well, Legolas and Gimli kept count of the orcs they killed as per usual. Legolas was tired Gimli always winning so he became suddenly mentally unbalanced. He killed every orc in sight very horrendously with a knife. He did this while screaming profanities in Elvish (such as "LLIE N'VANIMA AR' LLE ATARA LANNEINA!" which means, "You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny."). His face was very quickly covered in fake neon movie blood. Gimli didn't kill any orcs at all, and therefore lost, because he was too busy laughing at the psychotic elf before him. Just in case you were wondering, Legolas' hair remained perfectly straight and clean despite the rest of him being covered in fake neon movie blood.
Frodo and Sam took the opportunity to make out. While they were doing this, Sam stole the Ring from Frodo. Frodo did not know he took it. Suddenly, whilst making out with Sam, Frodo heard a creepy voice in his head. It told him, "Ride into the sunset and bring the Ring with you." Normally, people of average intelligence and sanity would not listen to creepy voices in their heads, but it reminded Frodo of the time he did drugs so he decided to go anyway. Legolas, being an elf, sensed this telepathic message too, and he decided to go with Frodo to seek out the happy drug feeling. The fake neon blood had magically disappeared from his face. They wore brown Elvish cloaks with hoods to hide themselves, and they mounted separate horses. They set off on their quest.
It was not yet sunset when they started their journey, but they rode west in the direction that the sun would soon set. They rode through the city into a darker and dirtier part of the city. If the story were to take place in the present day, I would call it the ghetto of Gondor. By the time they reached the edge of the city, the sun had already set. They continued to travel west. They reached the very edge of the city of Minas Tirith and saw a dark ally. They sensed the happy drug feeling coming from inside the ally so they dismounted their horses and walked inside. When they reached the end of the ally and saw Sauron standing in front of them, all happy feelings were gone. From inside the huge metal suit standing right in front of them came the same creepy voice that Frodo had heard in his head. It said, "You have come as I commanded, but you did not bring my precious Ring."
Frodo reached for his chest where the Ring usually hangs from a silver chain, but it was gone. He recalled when he was making out with Sam and concluded that Sam had taken it then. "Damnit, Sam! That's it, I'm not having sex with him anymore!" Frodo shouted rather loudly.
Legolas turned and stared at him, disturbed at this revelation. Sauron just ignored Frodo's absurd outburst and continued with what he was saying. "You must suffer the consequences." Sauron raised his hand and put on them the Cruciatus Curse from Harry Potter, which gave them much unbearable pain.
If I was to continue the story from here it would only get more depressing so I might as well stop. Aragorn would never get to see what his sword really looked like because it got stuck in a particularly grotesque-looking orc with the plastic wrap still on it. Then the orc fell off a 200-foot cliff. Just so you know, the author of this story also wrote "Behind the Scarf," a fanfiction about Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean and why he always wears his read scarf. I recommend you read it.