Knit Wits

By Brenna "Snakelady" Dawkins

A Batman Adventures Fanfic

Disclaimer: Batman and all subsequent characters are owned by DC Comics. I own nothing. Nothing I tell you! No money was made from this fic.

Rating: PG

Summary: Bullock is blackmailed into a deal by Harley Quinn to keep a secret that could ruin his reputation. Slight language

(AN: This is based off a youtube short starring Robert Costanzo, Bullock's voice actor, I found. I thought it would be fun to assume that actually is Bullock who has a rather unorthodox pastime. Viewing the video would help this make a bit more sense but is not mandatory. It's still a hoot though and very worth the watch! Nothing is as it seams! Yes, pun intended! Here's the video .com/watch?v=U00Rrt_mCg8 I also changed the plot a bit since its conception since I'd wanted this to be a relatively short fic.)

Bullock inched his way out of the alley behind the place where he had spent the better part of the last three hours. He'd been going there for the past two years while assuming a different identity, not wishing to blow his cover that he really was a cop. Companions had come and gone, like Johnny and Joey, if those really were their real names. He suspected not. He himself assumed the name of Carmine whenever he entered the place.

But now he was back on the streets and he was Bullock once again. His tools of the trade safely tucked away in a non-descript bag. There was no way he was about to show those off to anyone who wasn't already on the inside. People might get the wrong impression about him. His reputation would be ruined.

Not even his partner knew what he was up to, but that was usually the case anyway. Montoya was waiting for him with her arms crossed by the time he appeared in the police station.

"Bullock, you're late again. That's the sixth time in the past couple of months. That's not like you." She began.

Bullock stuffed the bag into the back of the bottom draw of his desk before he deigned to respond. "What are you, my keeper? I already got one mother, never asked for two."

She glared at him. "You're my partner and that means we work together! How can I work with you if you're never here?" She demanded. Her Latin accent got heavier when she got upset.

"Ya gonna send me to my room now?"

She threw up her hands in a helpless gesture. "You're impossible!" Then she stormed off.

Bullock didn't care one way or the other. Though he did hate people bothering him about things they shouldn't even worry about because it wasn't any of their business. He went on about his work ignoring the occasional evil eye Montoya would shoot his way. Bullock was used to that. It seemed he couldn't go a day without upsetting at the very least his partner, at the most his department and the citizens of Gotham. It seemed there was only one place of refuge but he could only go there on a rare occasion where he had an afternoon free. Today had been one of those days. He'd feel sheepish about going from there and straight to work with his real job. They all suspected he was a sausage maker at some Italian deli. It hadn't been too hard to fool them. After all they might not think about what else an Italian/American could do besides maybe being a goodfellow. But he seriously doubted any of them had seen that movie.

He stared out at the hated forms that needed to be constantly filled out at his real job.

The next day he was running late again. He was coming out the back way of the building and thought he saw a familiar red and white flash further ahead into the alley. Frowning, he pulled his gun from the bag that he always took with him when he went to that particular place.

Peering about him with all due caution, Bullock couldn't find any trace of whatever it was he thought he had seen. Exhaling a breath he didn't know he was holding, he stood back up and lowered his gun only to jerk back when he saw something coming his way. He lept to the side and lifted his hands in a fending off gesture as the item flew at him and rolled just a little beyond him on the ground. Perplexed, he turned around to get a better view of what had been thrown at him. A scowl formed on his face as he identified what it was. It had obviously come from inside the building he had just exited.

"Okay, who's messing with me, dammit?" He raised his voice in agitation and held his gun back up at the ready.

"That's no way to talk to a lady." Admonished a voice he recognized.

"You're no lady, you're a freak! Come out and show yourself!"

"Ain't'cha even interested in hearing my deal first?" Harley Quinn quipped in her typical cheerful voice.

Bullock was not amused. "I don't make deals with freaks!"

"Ha! That's a lie, you make deals with Bats all the time!" She countered.

"Get the hell outta here before I decide to start shooting!" He growled.

Harley Quinn would not be deterred. "But I have pictures! Wanna see? Or maybe I should just hand them over to Summer Gleeson, I'll bet she'll have a field day with these babies!"

"What pictures?" He asked dangerously though a part of him was filled with dread that he already suspected. She had been waiting for him to come out of that building after all.

"Oh, of you and your cronies doing something I KNOW you don't want anyone else to find out about!"

She let one of them slip down from above and he watched it fall to the ground. Upon picking it up his fear was confirmed.

"What the hell do you want?" Bullock demanded as he picked up the picture that could very well end his reputation on the streets and in his workplace.

"I want in."

He snorted. "You're kidding."

"I'm dead serious. I've always wanted to learn how. You're my ticket in!" She sounded oh so optimistic.

He knew Harley Quinn well enough to know she'd make good on her threats.

"You can't go like you normally do, you know. You'd have to work hard to not look like a freak."

"Oh, I figured that, I've been watching you there for a week now. Can we go in tomorrow? I want to get my feet wet."

"And what would your boy toy the Joker think of you hanging out with me?"

"You think I'd want my Puddin' to find out about this? I know a little something about incognito myself… Carmine."

His scowl deepened. Great, just great. How the hell was he supposed to introduce her to the group? If they knew a crusty old cop and insane criminal were in their midst's things could get ugly pretty quick.

"Same time tomorrow then?" She asked still safe in her hiding place.

"Fine… whatever. Just… keep your wits about you while we're in there, 'kay? Last thing I need is for you to blow this."

"Sure thing!

He knew she soon left after. He cursed silently all the way to his car.

The next day a few hours before his shift, he arrived with his bag and waited in the alley. He itched to have his gun in hand, but it would be all over if they spied it while he was in there. He heard the echoing clack of heels on the asphalt. It wasn't long before he saw a young blond sauntering up the way with a merry expression on her face. She stopped in front of him. She looked downright normal. Hell, Bullock thought to himself she'd be hot if not for the insane part.

"Well," she sounded way too chipper for his liking. "Let's do this!"

She latched herself onto his arm. Startled, all he could do for a moment was stare.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" He groused.

"Why, Sugar, is that any way to talk to your wifey-poo?" She batted her eyes at him.

Bullock groaned. This was not what he had in mind for under cover. "This isn't gonna work."

"Sure it will! You're Carmine and I'm your wife Cindy! They'll love it!"

Grumbling to himself, he led the way to the back door with her hanging on his arm. It was awkward to be sure. Once they went in he stopped her in the dark passage way before they went in and sat down at the circle.

"Okay, now pay attention to what they're doing. They'll ask personal questions of you, its' their way. Just… don't embarrass me in there." Bullock warned.

"I'll be a good scout!" She saluted him with an eager grin.

"Can't believe I agreed to this." Bullock grumbled and led her in the rest of the way.

"Hello, Ladies. My wife Cindy here has been dyin' to come and try her hand at the knitting."

Bullock's face transformed into that of a jolly old Italian. Harley stared at the abrupt transformation. She'd never seen him so congenial before as he seemed to happily introduce her to everyone in the knitting circle.

"So glad to meet your wife, Carmine. Does she know anything about knitting?" One of the older ladies asked.

"No, you'll have to help her with the cast on and I was hoping you'd show her the knit stitch. She'll need some yarn and needles too but I thought since she's a beginner she'd just be doing a practice swatch and borrow an extra pair of my needles for now." Bullock said easily from where he sat. He dug his project and an extra pair of needles from his bag.

His mood always took a turn for the better when he was amongst his circle of knitting companions. Even with Harley there nothing could wipe the smile from his face. He kept an eye on his 'wife' as he worked on his project. He was sitting on one side of her and one of the older visitors of the knitters circle sat on Harley's other side and gave her the basic beginning instructions.

"What are those?" Harley asked Bullock wide eyed at the oddest pair of needles she'd ever seen.

"These are called circular needles. They work pretty much the same as the straight needles most people are used to seeing." He said when he showed her the odd set. They looked like regular needles on the top, but at the bottom they were attached by a single, long cord. His project was bunched onto that cord in such a way she couldn't see how he could tell what it was he was knitting.

"I want to learn!" She said in the most honest voice he'd ever heard from her.

"You will, just gotta start from the beginning. Straight needles first, then circular." He told her.

So they spent the next two hours knitting. Upon leaving out the back door as always, Bullock had been wondering what she'd thought of it.

"So, you gonna come back?" Bullock asked her.

"Yes! I've always wanted to learn to knit but Puddin' would just make fun, ya know? I guess I understand why you're so hush hush about it now. I won't tell anyone that you knit if you won't tell anyone that I'm so eager to learn." Harley replied as they walked out of the building.

"It's always nice to have a sort of support group. That's what those ladies in there are for me. I guess I can be part of your support group too if only for the knitting. You commit a crime… I'm still going to arrest you."

"A support group? Me?" She absolutely beamed and gave the unsuspecting Bullock a quick hug. "Thanks, Carmine! I mean Bullock! You know, I can see that place is good for you. You looked, well… happy. I ain't never seen ya happy before."

"Yeah, well…" Bullock didn't know what to say about that.

"So, we gonna go back tomorrow?" She asked eagerly.

He shook his head. "I've never been in there for that many days in a row before." At the look of disappointment on her face he quickly replied. "But four days from now I can. It'll be a bit earlier though. Can you make it?'

Her smile was back and she nodded. "Yup! So until then… or until my Puddin' comes up with another scheme!" She blew him a kiss and strode off in her own direction.

Bullock couldn't help but hope that the Joker would lay low for a while. He never would admit it aloud but he could get used to this.

The END