I was never able to tell her that I love her...
I want to laugh at the idiocy of it all. Of course, the regret comes right before I die. Of course, I'm dying with the regret I'll carry to the next life. If there ever is one. I hope there is. I hope in another life, I'd be able to brace myself for the fall. I hope I could make her feel the same. I hope I could make everyone understand the depth of my feelings, so she wouldn't have to hear about their shallow renditions and twist it to something it isn't. Better yet, I hope circumstances would change for us. I hope I get to meet her at a later time, so I wouldn't be accused of grooming her. I hope I wouldn't be her teacher, and she wouldn't be my student, so I wouldn't feel the burden of maintaining professionalism when my concern for her runs deeper than that. Or that our age gap wouldn't be as wide as ours, in this lifetime. 'Huh, I guess I won't have to worry about that now. Soon, she'd turn 34, and I would still remain 34, and she would have surpassed me by then. She'd be older than me by then. And she would be likely married, too. Maybe Sasuke will come back, and she would finally have the love story she's always dreamt of having. Pity it isn't ours, huh.'
......
I am breathing labored breaths now. But I hardly recognize the trouble at all, because if this is what dying feels like, then it isn't so bad at all, to intoxicate myself to thoughts of her and feel my life drown away in those green orbs. Or that curtain of silken pink. Or the sound of her rich laugh ringing and sending an instant smile on my face now that I think of it. Still, I wish I could've just told her and be done with it. Say it like a no-nonsense thing, the way I always have. Even if it isn't. I just really wish I told her; said something to her.
...
I wish I could've told her about the letters I wrote in her honor, but was too stubborn to hand over. Even if the chance of her getting headaches than getting tingles was relatively high, I wish I could've just risked it. I wish I could've handed over to her the key to the drawer that held all those letters and a small summer bouquet that now lay wilted and dry in there, and let her discover about that fateful day when she cried over my broken body, and I just thought 'oh fuck it', and decide right then and there to court her and try to win her heart, before I got swallowed by my guilt and self-remorse at the last minute. I wish I just really went and fucked it. I wish I never thought of it as sordid and terribly wrong. Because here, right now, dying without telling her how thoroughly smitten I have been with her since three years ago, feels incredibly wrong
.......
But I guess there's nothing left to say and do about that now. I got my chance when I thought I didn't want to pursue it, so here's to life laughing at me the whole damn time. At least she wouldn't see my dead body. The night will come and with it, wild dogs hungry for whatever remains of me. At least she wouldn't have to see my broken and mangled remains, won't have to see the regret forever contemplated in my eyes, won't have to know how I spent my dying moments thinking of her, and all of the moments preceding it.
...
I can't help the gnawing regret though, more than I can stop my blood from seeping out of my body to fall humbly back to the earth. 'Kami, please tell me there is another life you've written for me. I realize it all now, and I just can't. I thought if I lived in solitude and distanced myself from everyone else, I could protect myself from the familiar pang of pain at the death of everyone that had been close to me. My father, Minato-sensei, Obito and Rin. But I now realize how wrong I have been. At least they all died knowing that they loved with everything that they were. And here I am, a fool in love, too afraid to tell Sakura and too unsure of what to say until the very last moment. Please tell me this is not the deadend. Please. I want to tell her, in another life, how she managed to heal and open my heart at the same time. Kami, I don't know if I can accept this fate. There has to be something out there. There has to be. Please tell me there is. Please tell me that after this life, I get to wake up to watch another retelling of my story. One where I'm braver. Smarter. More in love and less afraid. Please tell me I can love her again, that I get another chance to do it right. Please. That is all I ask. I've never asked for anything since I was five, but please grant me just this one thing. I know it's not small and trivial, but my life depends on it. I know, I'm dying. But please. You must hear me. Please take my life, and let me breathe again. Let me love her again. Let me show to her how much I appreciate her healing chakra every time it courses through my body, for it is the closest that I could possibly be to being with her. Let me take her to lunch and dinner, without fencing away from the bills this time. Let me show her how serious I am with keeping her safe while she's in my arms. Let me make it up to her by teaching her all over again. This time, with the pathways of my heart. I want her to learn and map out just how many pains and aches she has punched through; how she made it all the way in. I want her to know me again, without the mask or Icha Icha hiding what's underneath the underneath. Everything that I feel for her, please give me the chance to lay bare. I want her to see the happiness she's caused me, just by her presence and time.'
......
I know it's futile to ask, but I just can't slip away from this life without trying to bargain even though I know I don't have the right. My life isn't much, but my love still remains. I now know how much of a waste it is, to keep it hidden away. With my last breaths, I rest my case, and watch as the horizon lazes to darkness, with nothing in mind but her bright smile.
In another life, I'll search for your smile, and Kami forbid me if I let you slip away one more time.
.......
Fin .
...
A/n:
1. Yo. Sorry if this wasn't the GaBin update y'all been waiting for and I've been stalling on. I was just on high with KakaSaku lately, and I just had to get this out of my head before I regret (winkwink) it.
2. Nothing much, stay hydrated folks.
3. Don't be like Kakashi. Tell the og you love them. Love is always a risk worth taking. If it isn't worth risking, it ain't love.
4. Look at my single ass talking nonsense. Could follow my own advice.
5. Guess imma die now.