Blondie Bear and the Three Slayers
Written by Slayerman2001
Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Buffy the Vampire Slayer or any of the characters in this story. Such honors go to Joss Whedon, 20th Century Fox, and Mutant Enemies Inc. Please don't sue me because all I have are three magic beans! Honest!
Notes from the author: Yeah, I know I'm nuts. I was bored one night so I began writing this. I love Buffy, and I saw Shrek 2 two nights in a row, so I had fairy tales on the brain. I guess if you were to place it anywhere in the grand scheme of BtVS, it would fall somewhere between season 4 and 6. I hope you all enjoy my little foray into parodies. And be kind, re...view.
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a vampire named William. William was known to all the other monsters of the world as Blondie Bear because he had platinum blonde hair. For over one hundred years Blondie Bear was one of the meanest, nastiest, most downright unlovable vampires you'd ever want to meet. He would go from country to country huffing and puffing and killing anybody who stood in his path. Then, one magical night, in a little town called Sunnydale, government elves captured Blondie Bear and put a chip in his head, making it so he could never harm another living thing ever again. When all the other monsters found out, they laughed and mocked poor Blondie Bear. Finally, unable to stand the ridicule anymore, Blondie Bear packed up his crypt and moved out of Sunnydale, never to return.
Three Months Later....
One evening, as the sun was setting on another beautiful day in the cemetery, three vampire slayers were preparing to make their nightly rounds of, well, vampire slaying. For, you see, a vampire slayer is a young lady destined to kill all the vampires of the world. The slayers lived in a cottage on the edge of the cemetery. It was a small cottage, made completely of oak, and had six rooms: a living room, kitchen, one bedroom, and three bathrooms [one for each slayer].
Buffy, the leader of the slayers was in the living room, trying to follow "Jeopardy". Faith, the second slayer, was in the kitchen nuking dinner. Dawn, the youngest slayer, was in the bedroom writing an especially juicy entry in her diary. As Dawn wrote, she noticed a little red dot drip onto her page. Another dot soon followed. Suddenly, her nose began gushing blood, which it had been doing all day long. She grabbed a Kleenex from her nightstand and jammed it up her nostril.
"Yo, soup's on!" Faith shouted from the kitchen. She placed a tray with three bowls full of porridge onto the table.
"Porridge?" Buffy groaned as she entered, crinkling her nose.
"It's all we had in the cupboard. It ain't like we're raking in the dough around here," Faith grumbled.
"Sorry, it looks delicious," Buffy sighed, taking a spoonful of sugar and sprinkling it into her bowl. She retched after taking one bite of the gluey, soupy mess.
"It's all we had," Faith restated, dumping the contents of an entire bottle of hot sauce over her porridge.
As Buffy and Faith played with [but didn't eat] their dinner, Dawn wandered in.
"Dawnie, are you okay?" Buffy asked when she noticed the trickle of blood dripping from her sister's lips.
"Yeah," Dawn replied, wiping the blood away with the cuff of her sleeve. "Just another nose bleed. I swear, I'm never going to let a demon with seven arms punch me in the nose again."
"You say that every time," Buffy quipped.
Choosing to ignore her sister, Dawn leaned into her bowl. She gagged at what she found. Deciding her time would be better spent watching television, Dawn left.
"Why didn't I think of that," Buffy mused.
After several minutes passed, Faith stood and gazed out the kitchen window. The blue and purple sunset was beginning to give way to an indigo, star-filled sky.
"Oh man! We better get a move on. It's startin' to get wicked dark out there and those vamps aren't gonna slay themselves."
"Yeah, you're right," Buffy, agreed. "We can finish this um, yummy dinner when we get back."
"You think we should put this crap in the fridge so it doesn't spoil?" Faith asked.
"Nah, it'll be fine sitting out," Buffy said, getting up from her chair. "We'll only be gone a couple
hours. And if it does spoil we'll have no choice but to order Chinese or something."
"Can't argue with logic," Faith said, following Buffy to the front door.
"Dawn, let's go," Buffy called to her sister.
"I have to change into something a little more vampire slayerish," Dawn shouted back, observing herself in the mirror. She was wearing a bright blue sweater with a kitty cat embroidered across the front. .
"Hurry up."
"I will," Dawn insisted, taking her sweater off and carelessly tossing it over the arm of her favorite chair.
A few minutes later, with stakes in their hands and steely glares at the ready, the three slayers cheerfully linked arms and skipped into the cemetery for a long night of ass-kicking.
"Every single night the same arrangement. We go out and fight the fight…" they sang as they left.
- - - - -
A little while later a weary Blondie Bear came upon the slayers' cottage. A sly smile crossed his lips as he climbed the porch steps. He had been traveling for several nights and had spent the excruciatingly sunny days forced to hide in tiny sheds or cramped garages. Finding a house right next to the cemetery seemed like an incredible stroke of good fortune for the down-on-his-luck vampire. Plus, it didn't appear that anybody lived there. The house was dark and no voices emanated from inside. Blondie Bear marched up to the front door and knocked loudly. There was no answer. He knocked again, even louder than the first time. There was still no answer. He decided to make one final attempt. This time, he pounded on the door so hard it toppled to the ground with a thud. "Whoops!"
"Hello?" Blondie Bear called into the empty house. "Anybody home?" No answer yet again.
"Eh," he shrugged, entering. "Guess not." [And in case any of you experts say to yourselves, "Hey, a vampire can't enter somebody's home unless formally invited!" there was a mat outside the door that said "WELCOME! COME ON IN!" Pretty foolish when you consider the cottage was owned by three vampire slayers living next to a cemetery, but there you go].
"How posh," Blondie Bear thought as he gave himself the grand tour. There was a cozy fireplace,
three lovely chairs, and big screen T.V. in the living room and a beautiful dinette set and lots of expensive china in the kitchen. And not a single torch-wielding townsperson in sight. It was perfect. Blondie Bear's stomach growled suddenly. Having been so pre-occupied with finding a place to stay, he hadn't given a single thought to dinner.
"There must be something to nibble on in this joint," he thought. It wasn't long before he found the porridge.
"I guess this'll do," Blondie Bear shrugged, grabbing Buffy's spoon and taking a big slurp. Immediately his pale white skin turned pale green.
"Bloody Hell! This porridge is too sweet," he shouted, spitting a chewed-up glob of saccharine porridge onto the table.. He quickly snatched Faith's porridge and downed a heaping spoonful, hoping to wash the sugary taste out of his mouth.
"For crying out loud! This porridge is flaming hot!" Blondie Bear screamed, throwing the bowl across the room and shattering it. Making on final attempt [cuz vampires don't know when to give up], he grabbed Dawn's bowl. Blondie Bear took a tiny bite and his face lit up.
"This porridge has blood in it! Now that's what I call just right!" he exclaimed, guzzling the rest of the porridge without a second thought.
- - - - -
With a satisfied tummy, Blondie Bear decided to watch a bit of television before turning in for the morning. He wandered into the living room and flopped down in Buffy's chair. It was big and cushiony, with fluffy purple pillows and white doilies on the arms. After a few minutes of shifting around uncomfortably, Blondie Bear figured it might help to toss the purple pillows onto the floor, which he did. He soon found himself even less comfortable than before. Thinking it was the pretty white doilies, he carelessly knocked them to the ground as well. When even that didn't work, Blondie Bear snarled, leapt to his feet, and threw his arms up in defeat.
"This soddin' chair is too girly," he mumbled.
The next chair belonged to Faith. It was a recliner made completely of leather. Now this was Blondie Bear's kind of chair! He took a seat and released the lever that propped the footrest.
"This chair is just...." Suddenly, the entire chair collapsed.
"What the bleedin' hell?!?!?!" Blondie Bear yelped as his ass hit the floor with a thud.
"Can't a bloke get a friggin' break around here?" He stood up, dusted himself off and was about to give up when Dawn's rocking chair caught his eye.
"This'll have to do," he said, settling down. Though the seat was a bit too small, and the wood was hard and grainy, it was by far the best chair of the bunch since Dawn's kitty sweater remained draped over the arm. Blondie Bear flipped on the television and greedily began sucking on the sweater's blood-stained sleeve.
- - - - -
A few hours later Blondie Bear angrily hurled the remote control at the television and huffed, "If the damn telly doesn't start making shows that aren't devoted to pathetic men trying to get laid, heads are gonna roll!" Taking a quick glance at the clock, he found there was only an hour until dawn. Standing and stretching, Blondie Bear moved into the bedroom.
The bedroom was the largest room in the house. Though all three slayers shared it, there were several partitions to give each her privacy. The first bed in the room [unsurprisingly] belonged to Buffy. It was a queen size with an array of stuffed animals and a bright red comforter. A giant poster featuring New Kids On The Block hung on the wall.
"I'm too tired to even care," Blondie Bear grunted, pushing the stuffed animals to the floor and pulling back the comforter. He hung his leather jacket around the bedpost, striped to his boxers, and laid down. As he was drifting to sleep, Blondie Bear rolled to his side and felt something hard and sharp poke him in the ribs.
"What the..." he wondered, reaching into the sheets and pulling out a stake with "Mr. Pointy" engraved in the side. Eyes widened and jaw dropped, Blondie Bear squealed and threw the stake onto the floor. He jumped out of the bed, trembling from head to toe.
"No bloody way I'm sleeping there! That bed is too dangerous," he panted.
Faith's bed was also a queen size. It had silky black sheets and a heavy [again, unsurprisingly] leather comforter. On a shelf above the bed sat a variety of unusual objects, ranging from a shrunken voodoo head, to a set of handcuffs, to a whip, to a very sharp knife.
"How kinky! Just the way I like..." Blondie Bear began, before remembering the chair incident. "Maybe not, that bed is probably too fragile."
The last bed belonged to Dawn. Though it was similar to Buffy's, with vibrant colors and lots of stuffed animals, there was one significant difference; a wastebasket full of bloody Kleenex's. Blondie Bear rubbed his hands together and dove into the bed. He took a handful of Kleenex's and popped them in his mouth like kernels of popcorn. For reading material he flipped through Dawn's diary. When he had finished every last Kleenex, and knew more about The Jonas Brothers than he ever wanted to, he fell fast asleep.
- - - - -
Forty-five minutes later, the three slayers returned from an exciting night of slayage. As they were talking about the events of the night, Dawn noticed their front door laying in shatters.
"Eep!".
"What the..." Buffy gasped, turning to Faith.
"Hey, don't look at me! I was with you!"
"Hello," Dawn quietly called into the house. "Anybody there?"
"Like a thief would answer," Buffy sniffed.
"I don't see you doing anything," Dawn shot back, folding her arms across her chest and sneering at her sister.
"Like what? Invite the burglar in for some tea and cookies?"
"I was seven!"
"Hey," Faith shouted, cracking her knuckles. "While you two stand out here squawking like chickens, I'm gonna greet our unwelcome guest."
Buffy and Dawn glared icily at each other for another minute, then followed her inside.
They found Faith standing in the kitchen surveying what remained of their dinner.
"Looks like somebody can't take a little heat," Faith said, picking up the jagged pieces of her bowl and laying them on the table.
"They must not be sugar fans either. They – spit out – mine," Buffy choked, having to look away from the glob of salivary porridge running down the table.
"At least you guys still have some porridge left! They ate all of mine," Dawn whined, staring at her empty bowl. "That's so rude!"
"You don't even like porridge," Buffy reminded her.
"That doesn't mean I wanted some stranger eating it!"
"Hey, look!" Faith interrupted, pointing past them. Buffy and Dawn followed the direction of her finger and they all scurried into the living room. They found the room in a total state of disarray.
"Somebody messed up my chair," Buffy cried, quickly putting the pillows and doilies back where they belonged.
"Somebody broke my chair," Faith hissed.
"Yeah," Buffy agreed. "You did! Remember the other night when you were practicing your kick-boxing?"
"Oh, right."
"No no no NO!" Dawn screamed.
"What? Is your chair broken, too?" Buffy asked.
"Worse!" Dawn said, tears spilling down her cheeks, "the T.V. is broken.!!"
"What!" Buffy and Faith angrily yelled in unison. They rushed to where Dawn stood trembling and, sure enough, a huge crack spanned across the screen and the remote lay in two pieces on the floor.
"Now I'll never know who The Bachelor chooses," Dawn sobbed. Buffy took her sister into her arms and hugged her tightly.
Faith's blood boiled. Pushing back a tangle of dark, sweaty hair, she snarled like a pissed off bulldog, then turned and stormed into the bedroom. Buffy and Dawn followed close behind.
"Somebody was sleeping in my bed," Buffy exclaimed upon entering, picking up her favorite stuffed animal, Scooby Doo, and kissing him on the nose. She noticed the leather jacket hanging around her bedpost but assumed it belonged to Faith.
"No one's been sleeping in my bed," Faith observed.
"Yeah right," Buffy muttered.
"Guys," Dawn yelled. She was standing at the side of her bed and blushing profusely.
"Someone's sleeping in my bed right now. And he's naked!"
Faith and Buffy gasped with delight and joined Dawn. Buffy pulled back the covers to discover Blondie Bear snoozing soundly. Drool hung from his chin.
"He's kinda hot," Faith said approvingly.
"C'mon Dru," Blondie Bear mumbled, thrashing about. "Give us another five minutes." He pulled the covers back over his head.
"Uh, excuse me," Buffy said firmly, yanking the sheets away completely.
"Hey, what the bloody hell!" Blondie Bear shouted, bolting into an upright position. He gazed at the three strange women standing before him. Instinctively, his face transformed into that of a vampire. His forehead protruded out, his eyes gleamed yellow, and his teeth grew into long, sharp fangs. He looked from Dawn to Buffy to Faith and licked him lips.
"Yikes," Buffy said, taking her sister's hand, "those are really yellow eyes."
"The better to ogle you with, pet," Blondie Bear purred. Chills tickled Buffy's spine.
"And those are really sharp teeth," Dawn gulped, squeezing Buffy's hand hard.
"The better to bite you with, luv," Blondie Bear winked. Dawn felt queasy.
"What's up with all the peroxide?" Faith asked.
"The better to... wait, you don't like it?" Blondie Bear asked, running a hand threw his already overly gelled locks. "I can't really tell, ya know. No reflection and all."
"So you're the one who broke into our house," Faith declared, putting her hands on her hips.
"I didn't break in! I knocked all proper-like and nobody answered," Blondie Bear said defensively.
"You broke down our front door," Dawn pointed out.
"Yeah, well.." Blondie Bear stuttered.
"And you ate all our food."
"And you busted our T.V." Buffy shouted. "Also, you're a vampire," she quickly added
"Oh, don't get your knickers in a twist. I'll be out by tomorrow night," Blondie Bear groaned. He curled back up and closed his eyes.
"You're going to be out a lot sooner than that," Buffy said, noticing Mr. Pointy lying on the floor by her bed. Quick as a whip she grabbed it, did a front flip onto Dawn's bed, straddled Blondie Bear and put the stake to his heart.
"Hey!" Blondie Bear yelled.
"You're messing with three vampires slayers, here," Dawn stated matter-of-factly.
"And we don't take too kindly to vamps bustin' into our house and messin' with our stuff," Faith added.
"Oh hell," Blondie Bear sighed, his eyes rolling into the back of his head. "This is just my bleedin' luck! First those soddin' government elves put this damn chip in my head so I can't hurt a single living thing. Then I get laughed out of town by demons that used to worship me. And now..."
"Hold up," Buffy said, covering Blondie Bear's mouth with her hand. "You can't hurt a single living thing?"
"Not anymore. You know, I bagged two slayers in my time. If I weren't such a neutered kitten you three birds would be quivering in your..."
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Faith interrupted.
Buffy, Dawn, and Faith all looked at Blondie Bear through new eyes. They now admired his chiseled features, bulging muscles, and washboard abs. Upon reflection, they even had to admit the vampire face was kind of sexy. Buffy playfully twisted a lock of golden hair around her finger. Faith put a finger to her lips as her body heaved with lust. Dawn just giggled and turned beet red. Finally, after a very long moment of contemplation, they came to a conclusion concerning Blondie Bear's fate...
And they all lived satisfied ever after
The End