A Disney Channel Original Movie: Watchmen
EXT. New York Street- Night
We see a close-up of a blood-stained smiley face button in a pool of blood by a sewer grate. As we zoom out, we see a man cleaning the blood with a hose. He is soon passed by a man with red hair carrying a sign reading "THE END IS NIGH." This is WALTER KOVACS, played by ZAC EFRON, from hereon known as ZAC RORSCHACH. We continue to zoom out until we reach the top of the building. At the very start of the scene music begins to build. As we begin to zoom out, we hear Zac Rorschach sing.
ZAC RORSCHACH (VO, SINGING)
This is
My journal
The day is October 12th
It's 1985
This morning I saw
The body of a dog
Its belly caved in
Like a rotting log
I scare the city
I've seen its true face
Such a pity
Vermin drowning
In the gutters all around me
All the whores and politicians
Always on my case
I gotta tell them
That I won't save them
With a whisper
Filthy communists
And homosexuals
I gotta put a stop to them all
By now we have reached the top of the building. COP #1 leans out.
COP # 1
Gee whiz, that is one doozie of a drop!
INT. Apartment
It's trashed; a murder scene. COP # 2 stands near the window.
COP #2
Gosh, I know. Sure is a shame.
COP #1
How do you think it happened?
COP #2
Well, looks like someone broke down the door.
COP #1
Oh really, genius, thanks!
COP #2
Now, now, no need to get smart. I'm just saying, they wouldn't break it down unless he was home.
COP #1
Well, of course he was home. We saw his body outside on the ground.
COP #2
No, but the attacker would have had to have known he was home. You know, planned it out.
COP #1
You're a better detective than I am.
COP #2
That's why I get all the ladies.
Cop #1 notices a picture.
COP #1
Hey, look at this picture.
COP #2
What?
COP #1
It's the victim, Blake, shaking hands with Vice President Ford.
COP #2
Think Ford did it?
COP #1
I don't think so! They built Ford tough, but not THAT tough!
They chuckle.
COP #2
Just wish we knew who it could have been who did kill Blake. I mean, it must have been one of his enemies.
COP #1
Well, yeah, this certainly didn't seem like a friendly gesture. He was clearly thrown out a window.
COP #2
Hmm, one guy couldn't do that alone. Blake was huge!
COP #1
This investigation's gonna be a problem, I can already tell.
COP #2
How do you mean?
COP #1
We draw too much attention to it, we're going to be up to our necks in costumed avengers!
As their conversation continues, they move outside.
COP #2
Hey, maybe Iron Man did it.
COP #1
He is known for pumping iron!
COP #2
Well, it's not him I'm worried about, it's Rorschach.
As they converse, Zac Rorschach, without his mask and with his sign, walks by.
COP #1
Yeah, he's always out making trouble! Wonder what he's up to now!
EXT. Apartment Building- Night- Later
We once again see ZAC RORSCHACH, only now with his ink blot mask, trench coat and hat. He picks up the bloody smiley face button. He then proceeds to pull out a Batman-style grappling gun, shoots up a grappling hook and scales the building, entering through a window. He enters a closet, finding a button and pushing it, with an
ZAC RORSCHACH
Ehh.
The wall opens revealing a great deal of superhero memorabilia.
ZAC RORSCHACH
Hurm. Gotta keep my head in the game.
INT. Arwin Mason's Apartment
A small room above a car repair place. It is filled with much of same superhero memorabilia just seen hidden in Blake's apartment. At a small table sit ARWIN MASON and DAN JONAS, eating ice cream sundaes.
ARWIN MASON
You know, mother never wanted me to be a superhero.
DAN JONAS
Oh, no?
ARWIN MASON
No. She wanted me to go to architecture school, build things.
DAN JONAS
Well, you certainly built up a fine reputation as the Nite Owl.
ARWIN MASON
Oh, that was years ago. I play bridge with most of my old enemies now.
DAN JONAS
Oh, and here I thought what we had was special. These late night ice cream sundae sessions are all that keep me going.
ARWIN MASON
Now, you know it is special. You were a better Nite Owl than I was, you know. It's a shame you and your friends got kicked out of the business.
DAN JONAS
It's just as well. Now I have time to focus on making music with my brothers.
ARWIN MASON
You kids and your rock n roll.
DAN JONAS
It is getting kinda late.
ARWIN MASON
Oh, sure, listen to me drone on and on. I'll see you next time.
Dan Jonas gets up and leaves.
EXT. Street- Night
We follow Dan Jonas as he walks home. At one points he passes a PUNK with a ghetto blaster blaring "Potential Breakup Song" by Aly and AJ. Soon, he approaches the door to his town house. He notices the lock is broken. Alarmed, he enters cautiously.
INT. Dan Jonas' Town House- Continuous
He clicks on lights, soon approaching the kitchen, where he can hear a slurping sound. He notices Zac Rorschach seated at the table with his mask pulled up to expose his mouth. He is eating beans from the can.
ZAC RORSCHACH
What's up, Dan?
DAN RORSCHACH
Uh, hi, Rorschach, what's going on?
ZAC RORSCHACH
I'm hanging out eating beans. I don't need you on my case, man. I got a lot of issues.
DAN JONAS
I'm sorry, I, uh, don't mean to be. Would you like me to heat those up for you?
ZAC RORSCHACH
Hey, man, if I wanna eat cold beans, I'm gonna eat cold beans, alright? The prom is in two weeks, I don't have a date, and to top it all off, I found this.
Zac Rorschach tosses the bloody smiley face button to Dan Jonas, who catches it clumsily.
DAN JONAS
(on the blood) Come on, Rorschach, I don't mind you eating cold beans in my home after you break in, but don't ruin perfectly good smiley face buttons by staining them with bean juice.
ZAC RORSCHACH
Hey, you better get off my case, man. That's human bean juice. It's blood man. The Comedian's blood. And that was his badge. He's dead, Dan Jonas. The Comedian is dead!
DAN JONAS
What? The Comedian? You mean, The Comedian?
ZAC RORSCHACH
That's the Comedian I'm talking about, Dan Jonas! I was disrupting a crime scene. A homicide crime scene. Victim by the name of Dylan Blake. And you know what I found in his apartment, Dan Jonas? Yeah, I'll tell you what I found in his apartment, Dan Jonas. The Comedian's costume! And Comedian costumes aren't for sale anywhere! Dylan Blake was The Comedian!
DAN JONAS
My god, Rorschach, you are the world's greatest detective!
ZAC RORSCHACH
Yeah, it's good to get a little recognition now and then. Anyway, someone threw him out a window.
DAN JONAS
Must we talk about violent murder in the kitchen? Come on, we'll chat in the basement.
INT. Basement
Visible beneath a sheet is the OWL SHIP. It is spectacular. Dan Jonas and Zac Rorschach head down the stairs.
DAN JONAS
Not that I'm kicking you out or anything, Rorschach, but the secret exit is just down here. Just, you know, reminding you. It's been a while since you've been down here.
ZAC RORSCHACH
From the looks of things, it's been a while since anyone's been down here. Dusty.
DAN JONAS
Well, this is the place I come to think. And I don't really have a problem with dust, so…
ZAC RORSCHACH
Hey, man, I'm just busting your chops.
DAN JONAS
You are quite the comedian. Speaking of which, do you suppose it could've just been a regular robbery or something. It could just be a coincidence, you know? Maybe the killer didn't know who Blake was.
ZAC RORSCHACH
Hey, man! The Comedian was one of the toughest guys around. No common criminal could've taken him down, alright?
DAN JONAS
Alright, alright. I heard he'd been playing basketball all over the county for different teams. Maybe it was a sports-related killing.
ZAC RORSCHACH
I guess that's possible. Nothing's more important than the game. But you know what I think, Dan Jonas? Yeah, I'll tell you what I think. I think someone's picking off costumed heroes.
DAN JONAS
Come on, Rorschach. Don't you think that's a little paranoid?
ZAC RORSCHACH
Is that what they're saying about me now? That I'm paranoid?
DAN JONAS
Well… I… mean… that's kind of paranoid right there.
ZAC RORSCHACH
Get off my case, Dan Jonas! Look, The Comedian had his head in the game for a very long time, long enough to make a lot of enemies. So what's going on with Arwin Mason?
DAN JONAS?
Arwin? Why do you ask?
ZAC RORSCHACH
They were both Minutemen. Both guarded the Tipton Hotel. And Arwin Mason just wrote a book, a book that says a lot of messed up stuff about The Comedian.
DAN JONAS
Hey, come on, leave Arwin alone, he's just kind of kooky. What are you getting at, anyway?
ZAC RORSCHACH
I'm not getting at anything, man. I'm just saying. Just a guy giving another guy a heads up, you know. In case somebody's after masks.
DAN JONAS
Well, thanks, I guess. The tunnel brings you out to a warehouse two blocks north…
ZAC RORSCHACH
That what they're saying about me now? That I can't remember the directions? These people are ripping me apart!
He leaves.
EXT. City Street- Night
We follow Zac Rorschach as he treats us to another musical number.
ZAC RORSCHACH (singing)
This is my journal again
My friend
It's October 13th 1985
Late at night
I slept through the day
Tossing and turning
And yearning for
A better way
Because on Friday night
A comedian died in New York
And I know someone knows why
As he finishes this brief musical interlude, he approaches Happy Harry's Bar and enters.
INT. Happy Harry's Bar
Standard dive. The music continues as Zac Rorschach approaches HAPPY HARRY at the bar, who looks terrified to see him. They sing.
ZAC RORSCHACH
Good evening Happy Harry
Why so nervous?
Do I look that scary?
HAPPY HARRY
Rorschach oh my word
You've come in my bar
Made me pass a turd
You make me so concerned
How are you doing, Rorschach?
ZAC RORSCHACH
I gotta tell ya, I'm just fine
Having a real great time
How are you?
HAPPY HARRY
I'm fine too
If I ask can you please
Not to kill anyone?
Zac Rorschach does that spoken word section of a song that happens in musicals.
ZAC RORSCHACH
Good evening, friends. Seems we got trouble. Right here in New York City. Yes, sir, we got trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with D and that stands for Dylan Blake. Somebody killed him. He was my friend. Who did it?
SMART ASS BAR PATRON
Friend? You don't have friends, man. You're too weird.
Zac Rorschach approaches the smart ass bar patron and slaps him in the face. The music stops.
ZAC RORSCHACH
I just slapped this guy in the face. Who killed Dylan Blake?
No one says anything, so the guy gets slapped again.
ZAC RORSCHACH
I've slapped him twice now. Who killed Dylan Blake?
SCARED BAR PATRON
We don't know! Please go away.
ZAC RORSCHACH
Alright. But if I see any of you getting on my case, I'll be back!
He exits.
INT. Massive Office
This is the office of Cole Ozymandias, millionaire and former superhero. His office, in addition to being massive, is decorated with more modern-looking superhero memorabilia, most of it resembling himself. He stands near his desk, with Zac Rorschach.
COLE OZYMANDIAS
The Comedian died? That's horrible!
ZAC RORSCHACH
Brilliant observation coming from the world's smartest man, Cole Ozymandias!
COLE OZYMANDIAS
Hey, come on, now! I never said I was the world's smartest man! It was the papers! Look, he probably got killed over a basketball game.
ZAC RORSCHACH
Yeah, that's what Jonas said. You two can sell that line all you like, this is one daddy-o who ain't buying it. We've got Chad Manhattan on our team, no one would mess with that! This is about masks, man!
COLE OZYMANDIAS
Hey, we don't know that! The Comedian upset a lot of people. His practical jokes rarely worked!
ZAC RORSCHACH
Hey, don't bad mouth The Comedian, Cole Ozymandias! He kept his head in the game! He did what was best for his team! You don't see him plastering his face all over t-shirts and dolls for the kiddies!
COLE OZYMANDIAS
Hey, that's not fair! I gotta make a living!
ZAC RORSCHACH
Look, Cole Ozymandias. I don't like you. And you don't like me. But even with that being the case, I don't wanna see you get thrown out a window like yesterday's laundry detergent. So I just came by to warn you.
COLE OZYMANDIAS
Well, thanks, I guess.
Zac Rorschach leaves.
EXT./INT.- Military Base- Night- Continuous
Zac Rorschach moves past the guards into a laboratory. He sneaks past the guards, dramatically, which is odd because he is singing loudly.
ZAC RORSCHACH
Open up my journal again
This could be the end
Still October 13th
But now it's 8:30 PM
I didn't like my meeting with Cole Ozymandias
Or with Dan Jonas
Superheroes are falling apart
All over the place
Everybody's crazy or dead
Except the two who live
At the last stop I make
By now he is in the lab. Before him stands a giant, blue, naked black dude. This is CHAD MANHATTAN.
CHAD MANHATTAN
What's up, Rorschach?
ZAC RORSCHACH
What's going on, Chad Manhattan?
A feisty, angry young girl with huge teeth enters. This is MILEY SPECTRE.
MILEY SPECTRE
Sweet niblets! What are you doing here, Rorschach? You are nothing but trouble!
ZAC RORSCHACH
How's it going, Hannah?
MILEY SPECTRE
That's Miley!
ZAC RORSCHACH
Alright, I'm sorry. Look, I came here to warn you guys. The Comedian is dead. And I think you two might be next.
CHAD MANHATTAN
Yo, I know. They told me on Saturday morning. Pretty messed up. What makes you think we'll be next? They think it was a basketball team.
ZAC RORSCHACH
I don't know about that, I think somebody's trying to get rid of us masks.
MILEY SPECTRE
Whatever, guys. Blake was a jerk. He was always trying to kiss girls who didn't even like him. He even tried to kiss my mother. I mean, ewww!
ZAC RORSCHACH
So you're saying what Arwin Mason said in his book is true.
MILEY SPECTRE
Every word of it. He's an honest guy.
ZAC RORSCHACH
Look, this isn't about Blake's moral lapses.
MILEY SPECTRE
Ink blot mask-wearin' crazy say WHAT? Chad, get this guy out of here!
ZAC RORSCHACH
Hey, get off my case! I had a hard time getting in here, especially while singing and I'm not leaving until I've
EXT. Park- Night
Zac Rorschach appears.
ZAC RORSCHACH
Had my say!
He looks around.
ZAC RORSCHACH
Hurm.
INT. Lab
MILEY SPECTRE
Hey, you wanna go to dinner with me and Dan Jonas?
CHAD MANHATTAN
I can't, Miles. I gotta keep my head in the game if I wanna bring the Crimebusters to victory next week. You guys go on and have fun.
EXT. City Street- Night
Once again, we follow the singing Zac Rorschach.
ZAC RORSCHACH
It's 11:30 on October 13th
Less than a week since a comedian died
He died in New York
They say he was a jerk
And nobody cares but me
EXT. Restaurant- Night
Miley Spectre and Dan Jonas are leaving. Dan Jonas is idly playing with The Comedian's button.
MILEY SPECTRE
Thanks for dinner.
DAN JONAS
Hey, thanks for paying.
MILEY SPECTRE
Hey, I'm an independent woman!
DAN JONAS
Hey, remember Captain Carnage?
MILEY SPECTRE
Oh yeah! He was always trying to challenge us to dance competitions! Whatever happened to him?
DAN JONAS
He pulled that stunt on Rorschach and he dunked him in a basket!
They laugh.
EXT. Cemetery- Night
Establishing. It is raining on the tombstones.
WOMAN (VO)
Hey, live girl! What's the sitch?
INT. Old Folks' Home
We see Miley Spectre by the bedside of her mother, the owner of the voice, HILARY JUPITER.
MILEY SPECTRE
What's up, girl friend?
HILARY JUPITER
Where's Chad?
EXT. Cemetery-Night
The rain continues. People begin to arrive from a funeral procession.
MILEY SPECTRE (VO)
Oh, he's at some lame funeral. A little to drab for me. Gotta be here, where it's fabulous!
Chad Manhattan arrives.
HILARY JUPITER (VO)
This funeral anyone I know?
INT. Old Folks' Home
Miley Spectre is now seated beside Hilary Jupiter's bed.
MILEY SPECTRE
Um, nope, don't think so.
HILARY JUPITER
It's not Dylan Blake's funeral, is it?
MILEY SPECTRE
Dylan Blake? Where'd you get that crazy idea?
HILARY JUPITER
Come on, Miley. I saw in the paper he was murdered. Even though it's a secret that he was The Comedian, his death still made national news for some reason. Poor Dylan.
MILEY SPECTRE
Poor Dylan? Mom, he tried to kiss you and you didn't even like him!
HILARY JUPITER
Hey, it was a long time ago!
EXT. Cemetery- Night
Funeral taking place. All the major characters we've seen except Zac Rorschach and, of course, Miley Spectre, are gathered around a casket.
HILARY JUPITER (VO)
It doesn't mean I wanted him dead.
FLASHBACK
INT. Meeting Hall
A stage is present at the front, on which The Comedian is standing in front of a microphone. Gathered around tables are the superheroes earlier seen in memorabilia. They are: Captain Moesby, Dollar Shane, Moth Oliver, Arwin Mason (dressed as the Nite Owl) Hilary Jupiter, Selena Silhouette, Hooded Jackson and Dollar Shane.
THE COMEDIAN
So, I says to em, I says, "That's not chicken broth, that's my Aunt Delilah!"
The audience laughs.
THE COMEDIAN
Thanks, goodnight, don't forget to tip your waitress! But don't trip your waitress because that would be rude!
Laughter and applause. He steps off the stage and approaches Hilary Jupiter.
THE COMEDIAN
Hey, Ms. Jupiter, how about a smackeroo?
HOODED JACKSON
Hey, man, that's no way to be!
THE COMEDIAN
You're right. Sorry, Hilary.
HILARY JUPITER
It's cool! No big!
END OF FLASHBACK.
EXT. Cemetery- Night
The funeral service continues. We focus on Cole Ozymandias and move into another
FLASHBACK
INT. Another Meeting Room
Cole Ozymandias, Chad Manhattan, Miley Spectre, Dan Jonas (dressed as the Nite Owl), Zac Rorschach and The Comedian, reading a paper. Captain Moesby stands before them, next to a chart.
CAPTAIN MOSEBY
Welcome, one and all, to the first ever meeting of Crimebusters!
The Comedian burps.
THE COMEDIAN
Sorry, I guess that chicken broth went down the wrong way!
CAPTAIN MOSEBY
That wasn't chicken broth, that was your Aunt Delilah!
Laughter.
ZAC RORSCHACH
Look, Moesby, I got some problems with this whole "Crimebusters" thing. A group this size is gonna look like a publicity stunt, and everyone's gonna be on my case!
CAPTAIN MOSEBY
Now, listen, the Crimebusters are going to be the most excellent basketball team this division has ever seen, if we all stick together.
DAN JONAS
Moesby's right! We are all in this together. Don't you remember, Rorschach? That's what you always told me.
ZAC RORSCHACH
You're right! Come on, team! Let's make this the best senior year ever!
Cheering.
END OF FLASHBACK
We return to the funeral, now focusing on Chad Manhattan and moving into another
FLASHBACK
INT. Locker Room
The Comedian and Chad Manhattan are getting dressed.
THE COMEDIAN
Well, golly, that was a heck of a game!
CHAD MANHATTAN
It sure was! Heads up, little man, I think there's someone here to see you.
With that cue, LONDON, a cute Asian girl, enters.
THE COMEDIAN
Hey, London, what's up?
LONDON
Hey, Dylan! You were great out there! Yay you! I wrote you a song: "Dylan Blake is really great! Really great! Really great! Dylan Blake is really great and deserves the opposite of hate! Which is love!" Yay you!
THE COMEDIAN
Gee, thanks, London!
LONDON
I was wondering: will you go to winter formal with me?
THE COMEDIAN
Of course I'll go to the dance with you!
LONDON
Yay us!
Clapping and high fives all around.
END OF FLASHBACK
We return to the funeral, this time focusing on Dan Jonas, as we move to his
FLASHBACK
INT. Basketball Court.
A crowd is gathered, dribbling basketballs angrily. Soon, Dan Jonas in his Nite Owl costume and The Comedian, in the full costume seen earlier at his apartment, enter, holding basketballs menacingly.
DAN JONAS
What team?
THE COMEDIAN
Crimebusters!
DAN JONAS
What team?
THE COMEDIAN
Crimebusters!
DAN JONAS
What team?
THE COMEDIAN
Crimebusters!
BOTH
Get your head in the game!
DAN JONAS
You guys ready to tear up the field?
ANGRY BASKETBALL PLAYER #1
You guys stink!
ANGRY BASKETBALL PLAYER #2
Yeah, get lost!
The Comedian throws his ball into the crowd, who flees screaming.
DAN JONAS
This isn't right, Dylan! What happened to our dreams of the perfect senior year?
THE COMEDIAN
They came true! You're lookin at em!
END OF FLASHBACK
Dan Jonas throws the smiley face button into the grave as the coffin is lowered. Also, a figure places flowers on the casket. This is MOLOCH MCGUIRE. Everyone shakes hands and begins leaving. As Moloch McGuire leaves, he passes Zac Rorschach, out of costume.
INT. Apartment
Moloch McGuire enters and clicks on a light, to find Zac Rorschach waiting for him.
ZAC RORSCHACH
What's the biz with Liz, McGuire?
MOLOCH MCGUIRE
Rorschach! You nearly gave me a heart attack!
ZAC RORSCHACH
So, my buddy told me you were at a funeral today. What was up with that?
MOLOCH MCGUIRE
Oh, well, The Comedian came to see me a little before he died, so, you know, just thought I'd stop by.
ZAC RORSCHACH
You called him The Comedian. How'd you know?
MOLOCH MCGUIRE
What? No, he stopped by about a week ago and told me some jokes, so, I just kind of nicknamed him "The Comedian." What, you mean Blake was The Comedian, like the superhero?
ZAC RORSCHACH
No. I don't mean that at all. You're crazy. I'll just be on my way now. Be seeing you. Keep out of trouble.
He leaves.
EXT. Street- Night
As Zac Rorschach walks along, he is approached by two GIRL SCOUTS.
GIRL SCOUT #1
Mister, wanna buy some cookies?
ZAC RORSCHACH
What kind you got?
GIRL SCOUT #2
Fudgey Delight, Tasty Caramel…
ZAC RORSCHACH
You got any Ginger Mint?
GIRL SCOUT #1
No, that's like Coke in green glass bottles.
GIRL SCOUT #2
They don't make those anymore.
ZAC RORSCHACH
Alright, I'll take a box of Fudgey Delights, then.
He pays for his cookies and walks on. Music builds as he approaches
EXT. Cemetery- Night Continious
Zac Rorschach sings by the tombstone of Dylan Blake
ZAC RORSCHACH
Sad clowns make me cry
Like dead comedians on the Fourth of July
And I gotta wonder why we're here
It isn't exactly clear
Everybody is on my case
It seems like a big disgrace
And I should hang with my friends
Instead of these comedians
EXT. Newsstand- Night
A man, BERNARD is minding the stand while a kid, BERNIE is reading a comic book.
BERNARD
I gotta tell ya, this newspaper business is stinkin' like a tuna fish on the Fourth of July!
BERNIE
Hey, buddy, can you keep it down! Trying to read here!
BERNARD
Well, this ain't a library, son!
BERNIE
Hey, my father pays half your salary in taxes!
BERNARD
I ain't no federal employee, you goofy kid! I'm an independently licensed sundry salesman!
BERNIE
Whatever! Trying to read!
ZAC RORSCHACH, out of costume and carrying his sign approaches.
ZAC RORSCHACH
What's the plan, paper man?
BERNARD
Oh, hey, there, Zac Kovacs! Got your copy of The New Frontiersman right here! Say, the world coming to an end today?
ZAC RORSCHACH
Sure is! Same time tomorrow!
BERNARD
You bet!
Zac Rorschach leaves and comes back a second later.
ZAC RORSCHACH
Don't forget!
BERNARD
I won't, you take care now!
Zac Rorschach leaves.
BERNIE
What a goof!
INT. Apartment
Home of Chad Manhattan and Miley Spectre. They are sitting and watching TV.
MILEY SPECTRE
The remote is low on batteries. What time is your interview?
CHAD MANHATTAN
We have time. My favorite show is on!
Suddenly, the channel changes. It is the work of ANOTHER CHAD MANHATTAN! Miley is now seated between TWO CHAD MANHATTANS!
MILEY SPECTRE
Sweet niblets! What's the big idea!
FIRST CHAD MANHATTAN
Sorry. Guess I don't always know what makes you laugh anymore.
A THIRD CHAD MANHATTAN enters.
THIRD CHAD MANHATTAN
What's going on in here?
MILEY SPECTRE
Self cloning hubby say what? Were you working in the lab during our TV time, mister?
THIRD CHAD MANHATTAN
I guess, a little. I'm sorry.
MILEY SPECTRE
Whatever. I need some air.
She leaves.
INT. Dan Jonas's Apartment
A locksmith is finishing up work.
DAN JONAS
All set?
LOCKSMITH
All in place, Mr. Jonas, impenetrable as Fort Knox.
Miley enters with no trouble.
LOCKSMITH
I tried!
He leaves.
DAN JONAS
Miley? What's going on?
MILEY SPECTRE
I broke up with Chad.
DAN JONAS
What? Why?
MILEY SPECTRE
I've just had enough. His blue skin, his naked junk, his ability to see time in a non-linear fashion, his ability to clone himself, he hogs the bathroom, he clogs the drain, and he makes me love him.
INT. Press Conference Room
An INTERVIEWER is sitting with Chad Manhattan.
INTERVIEWER
Alright, we're here with Chad Manhattan, getting ready to talk about the big game.
CHAD MANHATTAN
The Crimebusters are totally going all the way this year.
INTERVIEWER
What makes you say that?
CHAD MANHATTAN
Well, for Dan Jonas, Zac Rorschach, Miley Spectre, Cole Ozymandias and myself, this is senior year. We're taking it to another level, man. A higher level. It's gonna rock!
INTERVIEWER
Okay, we're getting an email question in: "Dear Chad Manhattan, is it true that touching you causes cancer?"
CHAD MANHATTAN
Common misconception. Cancer is actually caused by smoking.
INTERVIEWER
Alright, thanks for tuning in, thanks to Chad Manhattan for stopping by, and, remember: keep your head in the game.
EXT. City Street
Dan Jonas and Miley Spectre are taking a walk. Soon, they are surrounded by a GANG OF KNOT-TOPS. Music builds as the Knot-Tops attack them. The song narrates the action.
MILEY SPECTRE
Hey, Dan
Tell me what's going on here
We're walking around and there's
Knot-Tops all over the place
DAN JONAS
We're under attack and I don't like it. That one just kicked me in the face.
MILEY SPECTRE
We used to be superheroes you know
I just punched that one to the floor
DAN JONAS
We can fight them off if we want to
It's all up to me and you
They beat up the remainder of the Knot-Tops. They then continue walking.
MILEY SPECTRE
Well, I guess I better crash at Leslie's or something tonight.
DAN JONAS
You sure? I was gonna go by a see Arwin Mason. Wanna come?
MILEY SPECTRE
No thanks. He's kinda creepy!
INT. Arwin Mason's Apartment
Arwin is watching TV. Dan Jonas enters.
ARWIN MASON
You're late. Everything okay?
DAN JONAS
Yeah, whatcha watchin?
ARWIN MASON
Your buddy Chad Manhattan on the tube. Looks like you kids are gonna have one heck of a senior year.
EXT. Newsstand-Night
Same as before. Bernie's comic book can now be to be a cop of Pirates Of The Caribbean.
BERNARD
Yes, sir, my little comics-readin buddy, your pals on the basketball team are lookin to have themselves one heck of a senior year.
BERNIE
Whatever. I don't hang out with the lame basketball team.
BERNARD
Boy, you better watch your mouth around my newsstand!
EXT. Chad Manhattan's Home
A guard is painting the door as Chad Manhattan arrives.
CHAD MANHATTAN
What's, guard? I'm going to be heading off for a little vacay.
GUARD
In the middle of senior year?
Chad Manhattan disappears, leaving behind his suit.
EXT. Ruins, night.
Naked now, Chad Manhattan picks up a picture of him human form next to a black girl. This is TAYLOR. He then vanishes again.
EXT. Newsstand- Sunrise
Zac Rorschach, out of costume and with his sign, approaches. Bernie is still reading his pirate comic and Bernard is setting up shop.
Bernard
Hey, there, Zac Kovacs!
ZAC RORSCHACH
Hey. I was wondering, will you be able to hold my papers for a little while? I need to go away for a few days.
BERNIE
What a rip off! This book has no ending!
BERNARD
You kids and your pirate comics. Back when I was a boy, we used to read about Superman and the Flash…
BERNIE
Nobody cares, Grandpa!
BERNARD
Boy, you really need to watch your tongue.
INT. Dan Jonas's Home
The locksmith is once again putting in a new lock. He checks it to make sure the lock is closed.
LOCKSMITH
All set.
Zac Rorschach, in costume, enters with no trouble.
ZAC RORSCHACH
Hey, get a new lock?
LOCKSMITH
I give up.
The locksmith leaves.
DAN JONAS
Do you ever knock, Rorschach?
ZAC RORSCHACH
Rarely. I just wanted you to know that Chad fled to Mars. Probably cause you stole his girl.
DAN JONAS
Hey, man, I don't want any trouble.
ZAC RORSCHACH
I'm not here to give you any, man. I just feel like our senior year is falling apart. First The Comedian, now Chad.
DAN JONAS
I've felt that way for a while.
ZAC RORSCHACH
Yeah, anyway, I'm heading to Mars to try and talk Chad into coming home.
INT. White House
President Martinez is seated, talking to a general.
GENERAL
Mr. President, we need to strike the soviets now!
PRESIDENT MARTINEZ
I never strike first! I give my word as…
He turns to the camera.
PRESIDENT MARTINIEZ
The President of the United States!
EXT. Mars
Chad Manhattan appears and sits on a nearby rock, looking at the picture. Soon, Zac Rorschach approaches.
ZAC RORSCHACH
Hey, man.
CHAD MANHATTAN
What's going on, Rorschach?
ZAC RORSCHACH
I should be the one asking you that, man.
CHAD MANHATTAN
I don't know, man. I'm just scared I guess.
ZAC RORSCHACH
Scared? Chad, when we were kids you used to make bullies evaporate with you mind down at the junkyard.
CHAD MANHATTAN
Yeah. Those were good times. I guess I'm just scared of growing up.
ZAC RORSCHACH
Hey, we're all scared of growing up. But it's not like we're doing it alone. We're all going to the same college next year.
CHAD MANHATTAN
You're not.
ZAC RORSCHACH
What are you talking about?
CHAD MANHATTAN
Once you figure out who killed The Comedian, you're going to go to State on that detective scholarship.
ZAC RORSCHACH
No way, man. No matter what, we are both going to City. We're all going to city. We're in this thing together. We're ALL in this thing together.
CHAD MANHATTAN
You mean that, man?
ZAC RORSCHACH
Dude, I've never meant anything more in my life. Come on. Let's get you back to Earth.
INT. Classroom
Moloch McGuire is teaching. Someone throws a pencil at him.
MOLOCH MCGUIRE
Who threw that?
KID
It was Rorschach!
ZAC RORSCHACH
It totally wasn't, get off my case!
MOLOCH MCGUIRE
Mr. Rorschach, come to the front of the room, please.
ZAC RORSCHACH
This is so bogus!
He steps up to the front of the room.
MOLOCH MCGUIRE
Detention, Mr. Rorschach. And I'm afraid I'll have to confiscate your mask.
ZAC RORSCHACH
Lame.
He takes off his mask and hands it over. Bernie gasps.
BERNIE
What? You're that weird kid who always buys newspapers from that hillbilly!
ZAC RORSCHACH
Hey, at least I don't just sit there reading pirate comics all day like some loser.
MOLOCH MCGUIRE
That will be quite enough, gentlemen. Bernie, that'll be a detention for you as well. And I'll need to confiscate your pirate comic.
INT. Hallway
Miley Spectre is walking to class. Dan Jonas runs up to her.
DAN JONAS
Miley, I got the most rad idea for our senior prank!
MILEY SPECTRE
What?
DAN JONAS
We're gonna put our costumes on and break Rorschach out of detention.
MILEY SPECTRE
But Principal Keene banned costumes!
DAN JONAS
Hey, it's senior year! Time to leave our mark!
INT. Classroom
Zac Rorschach and Bernie and sitting, bored.
BERNIE
I can't believe I'm stuck in here with some lame jock.
Suddenly, Dan Jonas and Miley Spectre, in their Crimebusters costumes, come busting in.
BERNIE
Oh, great. Here come his lame jock friends. Miley, you're a girl, how are you even on the team?
MILEY SPECTRE
I'm getting a little sick of your lip, you little weasel!
ZAC RORSCHACH
What are you guys doing here? And in costume?
DAN JONAS
We're breaking you out of here.
MILEY SPECTRE
All of us.
Chad Manhattan steps in.
CHAD MANHATTAN
That's right.
Cole Ozymandias steps in.
COLE OZYMANDIAS
All of us.
MILEY SPECTRE
Then we're all going to help you figure out who killed The Comedian.
COLE OZYMANDIAS
Oh, that was me.
MILEY SPECTRE
World's smartest and creepiest man say WHAT?
Zac Rorschach is at the desk, putting on his mask.
ZAC RORSCHACH
Hurm? What'd I miss?
COLE OZYMANDIAS
I killed The Comedian. He was my twin brother, always getting the laughs. So I murdered him. Also, I'm about to unleash a giant squid on New York City who will kill everyone and make it appear that an alien invasion has begun.
BERNIE
Dude, this is dark.
Just then, an adorable squid creature enters. This is Lola The Squid.
LOLA THE SQUID
What's up, y'all?
ZAC RORSCHACH
I can't let this go on.
COLE OZYMANDIAS
You have to. It will bring about world peace. The world will unite against this alien threat.
ZAC RORSCHACH
I get it. We'll all be in this together!
SONG!
ZAC RORSCHACH
Woke up this morning
MILEY SPECTRE
Suddenly realized
DAN JONAS
We're all in this together
COLE OZYMANDIAS
I'm made of atoms
CHAD MANHATTAN
I'm based on Captain Atom
ALL
We're all in this together!
LOLA THE SQUID
Here comes Lola, going to knock them on the floor-a!
ALL
AWKWARD!
Laughter.
THE END