I close my eyes. All of a sudden she is here beside me, whispering in my longing ears. Her words make me relax, and I am suddenly happy. She smiles.
Happiness. I haven't felt happy for so long.
Other words sound through my ears. Louder, allowing me to awake from my trance. My eyes open slowly and adjust to the dark potions classroom. There is no Lily this time.
"Well Mr. Snape? Where would I find a bezoar?" the voice asks, almost sympathetically.
"A bezoar is a stone taken from the stomach of a goat. It will save you from most poisons" I reply coolly, glaring up at my teacher.
Slughorn's gaze falters for a second. He nods awkwardly and mumbles a "correct". He continues the lesson.
She answers every question put to her correctly. Slughorn beams every time she speaks, and the few Gryffindors in the class practically applaud when she is awarded house points.
"There's no stopping you is there Miss Evans?" Slughorn laughs. "One more question before I move on; what is aconite?"
Potter exchanges a smirk with Black.
I stare at her: I told her about aconite once. We were lying in our usual spot on the grass near home, the Christmas holidays in our fifth year. She was studying potions, preparing for the OWLs that we had coming up. It was cold and windy, but we both preferred to study away from our homes. Her, because of her horrid sister. Me...well...the less time I spend at home the better. She read, I listened. She had seemed confused about aconite. So I explained. Potions was something I was actually good at.
She answers the question correctly, and Potter slaps her on the back in congratulations, whooping like a child. She glances over to me with a grin, before realising who she's grinning at. She frowns, and averts her gaze. I sigh, and feel a stab go through my chest as I fall back into my dream.
This is my fate. I've done so much that has slowly pushed her away. I didn't mean to. But now she will barely look at me. It seems as if all those good times between us, all those happy memories, are gone.
If only I hadn't said that word. That one, fateful word which has changed my life so much. One stupid little word. What's in a word? Which sad creature invented such a repulsive word?
That day was the worst day of my life. By far. That stupid...arrogant toerag. I had just been minding my own business. He hexed me...half a dozen times...was it any wonder I got angry? Any wonder I lashed out at the one person who tried to help?
She used to bring me so much joy. She was all I really had. These days I'd be lucky to get a smile.
I suppose I deserve it really...why would she ever love me? She never would...even if I hadn't said that...I was lucky she befriended me in the beginning.
Each time she told me to go away left a scar in my chest. Each icy stab left me weaker and more unpleasant. I can no longer look at her without the wounds aching. They have not yet healed after two years. I doubt they ever will.
Coming back to reality, I examine her from the other side of the room. Her flowing red hair rests neatly on her shoulder. She smiles and whispers quietly to James Potter, who has calmed down, but is still grinning.
How I loathe him. She used to hate him. She'd told me so. What changed? He is still the same arrogant bastard...still inclined to bully those he deems lesser.
He took her away from me. It was all his fault. If he wasn't such swine…
I realise I'm clenching my fists. Beside me, Mulciber is staring at me with a raised eyebrow. My glare turns him away. I sigh.
She defended me though. She defended me and I didn't care. I struck out in my anger. She will never talk to me ever again. One word…and it was all over.
I miss her smiles. I miss that beauty.
She was all that saved me. I could be myself around her. I was even...pleasant. She'd told me once that I was the best person she knew. I wish she would say it again. But she won't. I don't deserve it now. I probably never did.
What's the point of dreaming? In a year I'll probably never see her again. I'll be alone. Hopefully working for the Dark Lord will at least give my life some purpose.
I highly doubt I will ever be that happy again. When she talked to me… When she smiled…
But how much longer can I dwell in the past? I'll end up feeling lonelier and lonelier. Every time I think about her, it makes me so happy…but as soon as I get back to reality I am more miserable than before. I can re-live those happy memories certainly...but they're discoloured now. They mix with the memories of her telling me to leave...and they hurt. Each one another icy stab. Making me unbearable.
I continue to do my schoolwork. My fists are still clenched, and I can feel the tears coming to my eyes as I try to put her to the back of my mind. No matter what, her image forces its way forward. I can still hear her excited words from across the room.
I am destined to live my life alone. After this year, I will never see her again. It will be as if she was never there. Maybe she never was. Maybe our friendship was all a dream. Maybe I'll wake up one day, and realise what a fool I have been.